Classic but unacceptable - Step parents deserve more
All this rubbish about 'you knew he/she had kids so deal with it', and 'but they are his/her kids, so of course they are going to side with them are just excuses to accept poor behaviour and affirm step-parenting roles as second class. Not ok.
Scenario:
1. Person meets new partner
2. They fall in love/want to build a life together
3. As part of that commitment there are declarations of love/respect/care/nurturing and introduction to kids from a former marriage
4. Kids resent new partner and they find the situation challenging and threatening.
5. Kids make life difficult for new partner and are either openly rude or covertly disrespectful/passively aggressive
6. The bio parent feels conflicted - why wouldn't he/she - with unconditional love/history/attachments so struggle with boundaries
7. Kids expect their bio parent to respond to their needs/provide reassurance and spend time
8. Bio parent responds out of fear of losing or breaking connection with his/her children but doesn't assert boundaries
9. Bio parent sympathises (or not) with partner but expects partner to provide connection/intimacy/build a future
10. Partner is in a war zone and expected to tolerate horrible behaviour from SK's
Clearly a very unhealthy environment.
1. Unconditional love does not mean tolerance of disrespectful behaviour
2. Lack of overt support from your partner does not mean you tolerate being treated poorly
3. You can love unconditionally and put boundaries in place
4. Togetherness between parents (step or otherwise) needs to be prioritised to help the structure of the environment
5. Powerplays that exist constantly in stepfamily situations need to be handled as a team
That why like 70% of seconds SP marriage fail
That people divorced..Never understanding that they are creating a new relationship with everyone. That they want a new SO but fail to realize the new happy family will be vastly different then old Happy Family. The New SO wants there own relationship. Not remove ex wife,, add new wife. Life goes on better then old life.
The parent can't understand that love me love my kids doesn't work. They don't set the kids straight an cause all types of problems. New partner doesn't love the SK. New partner wants alone time. As the ex got. New partner wants to create there own family not live the old family ways.
Often the bio parent can’t understand why his kids
Don't accept his new partner or wife when exwife could move on so soon after divorce with no issues from skids. Also all too often the first family hasn't addressed their issues and 2nd spouse or partner is expected to suck it up
Too true.
The sad thing is, this isn't rocket science.
So many lose connection with their brain and think that things change in raising kids from no longer intact adult relationships.
IMHO, raising CODs is not different than raising kids in an intact family. Standards of behavior and standards of performance continue to apply.
Those cannot change.
Yes, recognize the pain of the loss for the kids. But, do not lower the expectations, do not lessen the standards, and do not tolerate inappropriate kid behavior.
No different in a blended family, than in an intact initial family.