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The Baby Showers

MorningMia's picture

SD stopped speaking to me and DH (supported by her mother) during the first 2 years of our marriage. I mentioned elsewhere here that when she needed money for college a few years later, she predictably began speaking to us again. Due to her rude behavior for the next few years, I said no more. There was a devastating holiday visit that still haunts me that resulted in a family member of mine being excluded because of the skids (long story). After that, SD and I went 7 years without speaking to or seeing one another. Then comes her wedding engagement, so she "had" to make friends again (once again, predictable). The relationship thereafter was fake and distant. DH and I were treated horribly at her wedding. THEN come the pregnancies. To please her daddy, to pretend she's a good person, and to get gifts, she put me on the invite list to her baby shower. She goes off and on. ON when cash or presents are involved. Silly me. 

I, foolishly, had fun shopping for her and sent her two nice gifts (why?!), as I couldn't (and wouldn't have) attend the shower. The shower was followed by loads of social media posts with many shots of ALL the gifts arranged so that each one could be seen by the viewers of the photos. WELL, guess which gifts were "missing" from the photos? (I was also MIA in all the wedding

Then comes Baby #2. AGAIN, I get an invite to a baby shower. I pretended I never saw it. I don't even acknowledge that she has children. I stopped signing birthday cards to the skids years ago. Stopped buying Christmas presents for them about a decade ago. I spend my money on MY family members. We have relationships with MY family members and their little ones. SS in particular seems jealous. 


Marianne's picture

I understand how you are feeling. I don't play into the drama or set myself up for rejection now. The thing is that it is a connection that always going to have the potential to unsettle and disappoint. Being excluded doesn't feel good nor does being used. You have moved on and so have I, but it still rears its ugly head from time to time. Letting go and letting go some more is a good place to start.



CajunMom's picture

I'm in your shoes. I have not spoken to or seen DHs kids in over 5 years. This year saw me "try" one more time and that was a disaster so I'm done. Like you, I don't sign cards, buy gifts, acknowledge birthdays, babies, etc. They are DHs kids and that's his job.

Things abruptly changed for DHs kids 3 years ago when the BM died. And now the division is really affecting them as DH, while in relation with them, is still somewhat distant and doesn't see them often. That is NOT my problem. While the past events of not being included hurt me deeply, today (after lots of counseling), I'm doing well with that. If I get a bit sad, I remember their karma....they shorted their children another human to love them....sad. On the flip side, I have more money to spend on myself and those I love. I'm a very giving person and those grandkids of DHs would have been treated like my own had they had the decency to include me but we all have choices to make...and those choices have consequences to live with. 

 It does get better, especially if you put some counseling work into yourself (either one-on-one counseling or reading books on the subject). Best to you.

Harry's picture

She only wants money.  Kisses up until the she gets the money, wedding shower, then you are dead again.  But this plays out and plays again.  Disengage totally.  Next kid. Don't let you know,  no money.  She will be kissing up when there's a need for taking the kids on vacation. Sports, cars,  ect

Catmom024's picture

Ugh, these drama queen SD's with their weddings and damn showers are the worst!!!  I'm glad you ignored the invite to shower #2 and have stopped doing for her and her offspring.

When my SO's mini wife had her 1st kid with loser baby daddy #1 (what a sh*t show that was) my SO's sister called HIM to see if I'd come to the shower if she sent me an invite (she was just stirring the pot, she should have just sent me the invite and waited to see what MY decision was).  He laughed and told her NO.  Lol, yeah no way I'd go.  The sister said it was time to mend fences...oh, by me buying Princess something?  Lol.  No!!  Another shower was just held for her for baby #2 with baby daddy #2 who is a federal felon.   I received no invitation.   I haven't laid eyes on her or her kid for years and don't plan on it.

My SO's daughter is head over heels crazy for baby daddy #2 and is no doubt hoping it leads to marriage.   I'm dreading the dysfunction and drama of that happening.   I would never attend.   She hasn't spoken to her father in several years but I can see her wanting to reconcile if there's a wedding ($$$$).  He will be drooling and saying "she said she wants a ReLaTiOnShIp with me!!!" and "sHe's mAtUrInG". Idiot.  I can see him paying for the wedding because he's commented in the past how the brides father pays for the wedding.   Not in this day and age especially when she's living with a guy and having kids.  

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture grandstepkids yet but I already know where I will stand - I will be a nothing and treated poorly so I am mentally detached from it all. I don't have any feelings whatsoever towards whats to come and I plan to focus ALL my energy on the cute nieces and nephews I have. Any energy will have to come from DH - I am happily hands off. Truly happy about it. Of course they are going to miss out on a very generous and loving person for their kids but I see the writing on the wall. BUH BYEEEE. :D 

hereiam's picture

Good for you! There is no reason to spend your time, energy, or money on buying gifts for someone like this, I don't care who they are.

DH has a daughter who has been estranged for years (I rarely talk/write about her, she's not the SD I refer to on this site). The only times she has come out of the woodwork has been when she wanted something.

When she had her first kid, she had not spoken to DH for 2 years. But pop out a kid and suddenly we were supposed to buy particular gifts for a late baby shower (we did not attend, did not buy gifts), we were supposed to babysit the child EVERY weekend (did not happen), and she expected DH to just hand over cash for things she "needed for the baby". Imagine her surprise when DH took her diapers, instead of cash!

Needless to say, she went back to being estranged. Good riddance.

DH tried to have a relationship with her, many times, but that is not what she wanted. Ever.

Catmom024's picture

Yup, when they (unfortunately) reproduce it's just more of the same b.s., except now they have a kid to use as a pawn to try to get stuff.

My SO wrote a monthly check for quite some time when Princess popped out the first kid...guess he missed the good old days of paying child support.  We'll see what happens this time. 

Rags's picture

I chose to not give a shit.

So, for those who do not earn a give a shit from me, I don't give a shit.

Sorry you have had to deal with this.  

I am also blessed with the ability to write off the toxic and pretty much once I write them off, they are gone from my world and memory. Unless something triggers a memory, say when referencing my own experiences when others are experiencing toxic crap from idiots in their lives.

In which case, I can call it up mostly with an enjoyable smirk at how the life of the toxic person from my past ended up in a flaming nose dive of pathetic failure.

Time to write off the SKids and the GSkids if the GSkids are drinking the toxic Skid KoolAid.

Sadly, shit children generally become shit adults and in turn breed another generation fo shit children.

Good riddance when the they alienate themselves out of our lives and the lives or our mate and the quality people in our lives.

Just my thoughts of course.

If you want to participate in the shower for a GSkid, I suggest that you purchase a US savings bond in your name with the GSKid as the named second beneficiary. That way the GSKid's toxic parent(s) can never get their fingers on the money.  If the GSkid turns out to be decent, give them the bond when they reach the age of majority, or when they are looking to buy their first car, or pursue their college education.  And... if the GSkid just turns out to be yet another cycle of the shit shallow and polluted gene pool of their shit parents, once the GSkid reaches the age where you deem them a write  off... cash in YOUR bond and take a vacation.  Give a card at the Shower mentioning the Bond.  Do not give the SD the bond directly.  Keep the bond in your safety deposit box and let that bond simmer in the mind of the toxic Skid.  It will drive the toxic SKid nucking futz, and all of the attendees at the shower will be all twitterpated over how you are investing in the GSkid's future.

Have fun!


MorningMia's picture

You are "my people!" What it means to be understood! THANK YOU!!!

Bonus Mom 1981's picture

My husband & i was invited to 2 baby showers in Jan. 2019.  2 of my step-grandkids was having a baby at the same time. We went & had a good time, was good to see them since we had not seen them in a long time and they were even calling me "mamaw" that day.  When the children was born we went to the hospital to see them.      After that, they made no effort to talk to us or come around and see us. Then the step-grandson's wife had another baby which we was invited to that shower too, and we went, but i was not acknowledged as "Mamaw" that day.  Again, we never saw that baby. We don't know them and don't never see them. Well we recently learned that the step-grandson is having another baby & shower, we got a facebook invite to that shower as well. My husband & I both feel the same same way about this. We beginning to feel like we getting invited to baby showers for a GIFT. After that, we don't even see or hear from them. My husband don't even know his great-grandchildren. We never see them. So we dicided to not attend this upcoming baby shower & won't be sending a gift either.  We both are kinda tired of buying gifts for great-grandkids we are not going to see or know.