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Am I unreasonable?

witzend's picture

This is going to be a long story....but I need advice.

I have been married to my husband for 7 years, we have been together for 9.  We did live together for one year prior to marriage.  At that time my daughter was 11 and his daughter was 16. My daughter lived with us as she had no contact with her bio father.  My husband took her on as his own child.  She is very intelligent and we had very high expectations of her beacuse of her abilities in her school work.  When my SD turned 17 she came to live with us because basically her mom and SD did not like her boyfriend. My husband did not like him either but would not say anything to her because he wanted to finally have a good relationship with his daughter. When she moved in with us he bought her a BMW (used). She was in high school at the time and barely passing.  Finally she graduated, no college, no trade school and no job.  Stayed at home all day everyday and be bought her fuel for her car.  Her boyfriend started staying over more and more and eventually moved in.  This was never discussed with me he was just there all of the time.  I was the cook and maid as well as worked full time.  Fast forward one year, my husband got so mad about her cat one night that she and boyfriend moved out!  Thank the Lord.  Hold up though...after one year on their own and a wedding that we were not invited to, they asked to move back in to our apartment in the basement.  My husband of course obliged..they were paying 400.00 a month rent but that is all.  No chores, no groceries, no utilities. I was spending 200.00 a week on groceries, so their rent did not even cover groceries. During this time of her and hubby living with us for one year she had a baby.  We bought ALL of the diapers, fomula and clothing for baby. They abruptly moved out one weeked.  We later found out that while we were at work during the day she was having another man over while hubby was at work.   Good thing she was out of our house when I found this out.  Fast forward one year...she had another baby. We had specualtion that this was not her hubby's baby.  The baby looks just like the previous boyfriend. Or what we thought was previous boyfriend.  My husband and I run our own business and she would often call us and ask us if we could watch 2 year old at work.  My huband would always say yes.  One morning she sent me a text and said tell dad to call me before he leaves to bring 2 year old home.  I knew something was up because with here there is always something up.  Well, when he got there side piece was sitting on the couch while hubby was at work trying to make a living for her to be a stay at home mom.  My husband did not say anything to her hubby about this encounter.  Now let me add something here, we(my huband) would go by groceries every Sunday and carry to their house so that they would have food for the week. She even told me one time that it must be awful for me to have to work a job that she was lucky that her huband worked to let her stay home.  No, your dad and I work so you can stay home! Fast forward 3 months hubby calls us and said she moved out a week ago and took the kids with her and moved in with boyfriend.  WHAT??? So my husband came clean and said that he had caught him over at their house. They divorced and she is now married to new man.  In August while away on a business trip she called us and asked could her and new hubby and both kids move into basement.  My husband said yes and get this...hired her new husband to work with us.  So basically we pay him for a job he knows nothing about, they live rent FREE, utility FREE, grocery FREE and have a baby sitter at their beckon call.  They waste money on cigarettes and weed every week.  I have stated how much I hate smoke, they do not do it in my house but outside under us.  So FRUSTRATING.  I stated to her before they moved in that since they were living free that I expected her to keep my house clean.  HAHA!!!  Every night when I come in my house.  She has let the kids play upstairs and she comes to the kitchen upstairs to cook their dinner.  Any guesses on who spends and hour to and hour and a half every night cleaning?  ME...  Am I wrong for being bitter about this arrangement?  Am I expecting too much.  Now let me explain my daughter is NOWHERE near perfect.  She started college at 15, got pregnant at 17 married baby daddy, divorced and lives in my parents basement.  My parents are retired and my mom watches baby while she goes to class and works.  My daugher is now 20 and already working on her masters degree.  She ocassionally spends the night with us with her baby, when I invite her.  My husband always acts pissed off when she is there like she is an inconvience. She has a job and has her own money. So we don't have to give her money.  Last week, we gave SD and her hubby 750.00 over his paycheck.  I have hardly talked to my hubby all week because I am so damn frustrated.  I know if I say anything it is going to be a blow up and I am being unreasonable because she has two kids to look after.  I have no issues with stay at home moms, if you can afford that more power to you and my huband thinks that it is amazing that she gets to do that.  However, he rides my daughter weekly about needing to work more hours and then says she doesn't spend enough time with her son.  This is temporary.  She is getting her masters so that she can provide for him with just her salary.  

So tell me, why am I labeled the bitch? (my stepdaughters words)



ESMOD's picture

Your SD is just doing what your husband has allowed.  I pray that you have separate finances.. and all of his support of his daughter isn't impacting your finances.

I understand it's a bit difficult to be too high horse when your daughter has made some not completely different choices and also gets help.. but it seems like his daughter is taking a lot more advantage of your household.

witzend's picture

No our finances are together.  That is part of my issue.  We can give to his daughter but not mine.

SteppedOut's picture

Why can you give to his daughter but you can't give to yours? Seems like he doesn't ask you, so, don't ask him.

I think you already know this, since you are here on this site...but you really need to reconsider this relationship.

piegirl's picture

Wondering the same thing - if finances are together, why can you not give to your DD and only SD? Does your DH have all the control over your joint finances?

Rags's picture

Why do you tolerate this asshole and his toxic adulterous whore spawn daughter and her serial fuck buddy of a DH?

witzend's picture

This literally made me laugh out loud.  I almost spit my drink out.  You are correct.  Thanks for your honesty.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You need marriage counseling as well as an impartial professional to help the two of you to draw appropriate boundaries with all your adult children. A good counselor will ask both of you what your goals are for making these adults independent And hold your H accountable for making all these dumb decisions without your input.

And I advocate for the practice of taking an equal amount of money each time your H makes the unilateral decision to give money to his baggage. It's funny how $750 is an acceptable loss, but $1500 will shock him. Be breezy and matter of fact if he notices and say " Well H, I know you want things to be equal between the girls, so... ".

You must be very wealthy to be able to afford such largesse, with well funded retirement accounts. No? Then it's time to seek advice from a CPA and a good divorce attorney so you can make informed decisions and implement strategies to protect yourself from your H's enabling ways.

fedupinwa's picture

You know the answer!  Everyone on this board will validate your frustration and the injustice.  Only you can make the decision to fix it.  I would be seriously angry at you if I were your daughter.  She is doing the right thing (now) and being rewarded with watching the shit show at your house.  

witzend's picture

Thank you all for your imput!  We are having a discussion this weekend.  I have had to wait until my temper calmed and I can discuss rationally like an adult.

Thanks again

Merry's picture

I'd have flipped my sh!t long ago. You're the ONLY one acting like an adult already.

But, yes, I get that you want to have a calm and rational conversation. Kuddos for that. I'm honestly not sure I could.