Am I Completely Off The Mark???
Hi Folks...new to these forums so please forgive me if I post something incorrectly. I have a general question that I want to ask that will lead into some further comments about my current situation. Let me begin by saying that I am a lesbian and I have been in a relationship with the same woman since 1998. When I met her, her daughter was eight years old. Life was never perfect, as nothing ever is. Her daughters behavior was really horrible at times, both towards me and her mother. The daughter is now twenty two years old, married with a two year old son of her own. And, unfortunately, she still treats both of us as though we are terrible people - more to me than anyone else.
When my partner and I first got together she told me she wanted me to be a parent to her daughter, which I took as teaching her about life, right from wrong, etc. I think this didn't work out because my partner never sat down with her daughter to explain anything to her. The respect factor, which was very little to her mother, was non existent to me. And, when the daughter was out of line, either verbally or physically, her mother very rarely stepped up to correct her, which, of course, didn't help the situation. As my partner was recently divorced from her daughter's father, I think she felt bad and didn't want to upset her daughter. Personally, while I can understand this, I don't think it can be used as an excuse NOT to discipline a child when their behavior is out of control.
So, my first question is - Do you think that when our relationship began, should there have been a conversation between the mother and daughter about the situation, what to expect, and that respect was expected for all involved in the new household?
I disapprove strongly of
I disapprove strongly of parents that don't censure their own children's bad behaviour - it is usually out of laziness or a mistaken belief that the kids will think less of the parent, or love them less.
I agree with the previous post that you can demand respect from the SD directly - in any interactions you have with her - it's never too late to start being assertive in this way. If your partner questions this new attitude of yours, you can just explain that you have seen the error of your ways and feel that you want your step grand-daughter growing up with respect for you and your partner - and how can she if her mother doesn't show respect?
Okay, so now lets move
Okay, so now lets move forward...daughter gets involved with a young fella with no ambition, no job. The daughter manages to manipulate both myself and my partner into thinking that the other one has okayed that he lives in the house with us. He cleans the house occasionally. But, mostly plays video games all day with no job. He then gets a job, but doesn't put hardly any money towards the household or paying any bills. I purchase a fixer upper car that we both work on and sell together for a decent profit and the money goes towards an order of a full tank of heating oil. He bitches and moans about it. Daughter then gets pregnant, gives birth to a beautiful baby boy, but the father still has no ambition to get a job or support his son. Unfortunately, because of the lack of respect that I had prior to this, I still get none and my thoughts on the situation are null and void. I allow them all to stay in my house in order to keep my relationship with my girlfriend. Was I wrong to allow this in my home, even though I really considered this to be our home.
It depends really on what you
It depends really on what you personally feel you can live with and what you cannot. I have told my DH that I am not prepared to have either of my late teen SDs living here - he has the right to move them in, but in that situation I would have to move out.
If you are prepared to put up with the lazy bf etc in order to keep your girlfriend that is your choice. It is wrong, however, that there is no respect for you - and personally I would lose respect for my partner if they allowed their son or daughter to treat me badly and made no attempt to tackle this with them for the sake of keeping the peace.
There is little point in
There is little point in finger pointing now. Consider the essay linked below and see how it can contribute to how you deal with this young mother. You will find that once this adult step-child realizes that she no longer has power over you because of how she treats you she may alter her behavoir. If she reaches out to you then you can carefully try to bring her into a mutually respectful relationship. If she doesn't she'll be out of your life ending the grief.
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html