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Hate Mail

dan_nicole's picture

My 2 SD's (13 & 14) have been filling out info on the web/phone requesting information in fictitious insulting names to be sent our house!
(BM did the same thing to us about 5 years ago! I called the companies that were sending the packages/mail and a couple had request cards with her handwriting on them and sent them to our home. Then we caught her stealing our trash and the police had taken it back off of her. After being told that once our garbage was put at the curb it was pretty much fair game, we invested in a paper shredder. Then she was vandalizing our automobiles. I gathered all of the info and took her to court finally and pressed harassment charges against her and she took the kids! I felt like we were beating her off with a stick.
It seemed as though if we didnt bend to her every demand then she would hold the girls over our heads. DH and I took her to court for visitation rights and they both had to take parenting classes, mediation, etc. She wasnt showing up for half of the court ordered classes... I told him I couldnt do it anymore. It was too much to put up with and I refused to pay another dime for his cause. After her trying to sue in Family Division court over and over for more money, changed telephone numbers... I was through. (After all I have 3 children of my own to him to worry about and refused to neglect them another day over her bs)
So a couple years go by with phone calls behind her back and letters here or there (only to him, they hate me and their siblings) and DH brings up visiting and asks what I think, I say of course (I figured years have passed and maybe we can act like adults). So they ask their mother and she screams at them and they bitch at him. Mean emails get sent to us, nasty phone calls from SD & BM, nasty words get tossed around, my husband and I are ready to kill each other and her... I told him this is why I dont want to be bothered with this shit. Every time theyre around, things are insane. We normally live a full, busy life and while its normal to have your children in your every day life, unfortunately he had 2 kids to a physcho and I wasnt paying the price for it anymore.
Well now here we are.. I have fundraising companies calling here asking for Olivia Homewrecker (my daughter Olivia!)travel agencies, etc. Tons of magazines, packages, college information, all with insulting names to our children. I had to talk with the postal workers, which was really humiliating, change our numbers. They even sent things to my husbands work! And though DH will go to any extent to prevent this drama and he does try to comply he is so upset. It just leaves this void in his life. Every Holiday etc...drives me nuts! So its either ruin my life and drive my home insane where my kids are or deal with his blubbering! Or divorce...at this point it doesnt sound bad. I just can't do anything to change this situation. I've tried so hard for so many years, and the girls loved staying with us. The asked to live in our home, think thats why BM freakd out in the first place. Then the brain washing began, now somehow me and my kids are the bad guys
Now what? Any ideas please? Im next to begging! Ive had enough of this bs with my SD's, they're like little BM's!

Comments

Done's picture

I have SD's 12 & 13 in the almost identical situation. Psycho mother who alienates the kids against their father along with help from their grandma. It is a losing battle you will never win unless you have money to keep dragging her to court which we don't. BM feels threatened by you and will do whatever it takes to make sure those kids hate you. My DH has seen his kids once in the past year and a half. I quit trying it is pointless. Nothing will ever be good enough. I am waiting for the day if they ever mature then they may want to have a rational relationship with their father but as long as psycho bipolar BM is in the pic it wil not be happening. Do whatever you can to save your sanity.

Sita Tara's picture

Except that mail fraud, harassment, and ID theft charges need to be brought against anyone who is stealing from your trash. I realize it's too late for that one if BM is no longer doing it. But there has to be a way to hold the SDs accountable.

I would seek a lawyer once again and find out what your options are.

This kind of stuff makes me ill. This woman should have gone to jail for it 5 yrs ago. Now instead she's passed the tradition onto her daughters.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

aka's picture

Harrasment comes in many different forms and this sounds like one of them. My Skids haven't come over to my home in over 6 months because of the constant harrasment in email from the BM and also some allegations she made against us about how we were taking care of the the children. We stopped all email from her and this has taken care of most of it.

This sounds like this is a malicious act and the only way to stop it is to file something with the court about harrasment. I think if you ignore it, eventually she will get tired of doing this..

dan_nicole's picture

and at first that was the plan. I didnt even speak a word about it to them at all, we pretended it wasnt even going on. Thinking if they realized it wasnt working, it would simply stop. Instead it actually got worse. This whole thing is so embarrassing and crazy

sam's picture

Like she is stalking you lay stalking charges because she is very unstable and i would be scared for my life.

Anon2009's picture

And not their BM? BM could be extracting info about you guys from SDs and using that in the hate mail. I would go have a chat with your lawyer and see what your legal options are. If it is the SDs, they might have to do time in a juvenile correctional facility. I would check with your lawyer about the legal repercussions a 13 & 14-year-old could face (if indeed it is them). Maybe some time in the juvenile correctional facility would help them to realize the errors of their ways and they could get some much-needed counseling there.

dan_nicole's picture

Well Im not really sure. I know its coming from that house for sure because its the same exact thing that happened 5 years ago. Its weird the way the conversations go...for ex: Jim had received hatemail at work and then one of my SD will ask where he works the very next day. Or we get loads of calls about these subscriptions over our home phone and they they will call and ask if they can have our home phone number.
And its gets frustrating because he's text them our numbers and they know where we live. I feel like theyre playing stupid to clear themselves. There has been mean myspace messages sent to me and Ive printed them out and showed DH. The girls do blame their mother for all of it but my DH actually feels its his girls. We just cant tell

Anon2009's picture

to see how you can legally go about finding out who is doing this- the BM or the SDs, just to make sure it's not BM hacking into the SDs myspaces acounts and writing those comments in their names and not sending stuff/making comments under the SDs names. IF it does turn out to be the SDs they could possibly face time in a juvenile correctional facility. Would it be scary for them? Probably. But it might scare them into turning their behavior around (if it is them) and they could get counseling there that it sounds like they're in desperate need of. If it's BM saying/doing all of these mean things under the SDs names, you could use them in court against her and at the very least get her arrested for harassment. A question, though: if BM did get arrested, who would the girls live with while she is in jail? When my SDs BM got arrested, we were granted temporary emergency custody.

dan_nicole's picture

I have taken BM to court and filed harassment by communication charges against her and won. She had to reimburse the monies paid out to the phone companies for number changes etc. Its just Jim wont file suit against his daughters, so I contacted postmaster and he advised to send the packages back etc. Its just insane. Im afraid theyre going to continue to follow in her footsteps and then there be 3 of her!
I argued my point and he agreed 100%, changed his number and hasnt spoke to them. Its just a shame it has to come to that. Today is the youngest SD b-day and he woke up in a pissy mood

Sia's picture

I dooooo understand where you are, as I have been there myself, many times. I almost left DH after our first was born b/c of the crap BM was pulling. Get him the book, "Divorce Poison" and have him read it. I think it may help. I think he probably needs to come to terms with the loss of his daughters and just let them go. If he doesn't, he may just end up in a mental ward somewhere b/c this kind of crap can drive a person insane!

dan_nicole's picture

And I told him he might end up losing his wife and three small children over a broken family from 14 years ago thats malicious and mean. I get so pissed that he's not 100% on Christmas etc with our kids. I know it must be hard for him, but its out of my control ya know

Sia's picture

try to look at it as it's NOT his fult she's crazy! He needs therapy, badly it sounds like.... Would he go?

dan_nicole's picture

He's said a hundred times over he has no control over her and the girls and the choices they make. Its still hard at the end of the day when my children are being attacked not to want to kill him for it regardless. I think we could both use therapy actually for our marriage after this craziness but I doubt he will go. I have brought it up and he shrugs it off like this is a part of life with broken families. Almost likes its normal for people to still your trash and harass the living hell out of you... makes me think hes crazy or trying to protect them?? I cant tell anymore

smurfy1smile's picture

Write on you mailbox the names of the people who get mail at your house and make note that only those names get put in the box. I used to get mail for my ex and I have to do this and it worked. Or get a PO box and do the same thing - these names only in this box.

squeegie_beckenheimer's picture

Not by BM, but by a girl that was dating one of my ex-boyfriends. (We were all teenagers at the time)

She started following me everywhere I went. Often, she would follow me & dumb ex-bf would go along with her. She would wait until I could see them & then start making out in front of me! It was so bizarre. I couldn't help but think, "Honey, you have him. I don't want him. He's all yours. What is your problem?". People thought I was crazy when I said that she followed me....until they started noticing that she showed up wherever I was.

I got all kinds of junk mail. Magazines, catalogs & other junk. My name was spelled incorrectly on every piece, so I knew they all came from the same source. At one time I had a large shoebox FULL of stuff that had been sent to me over a very short period of time. After contacting the companies, some of them sent me those pre-paid postage postcards that come in magazines, with the original request for this crap. And guess what? The writing matched this nutjob's! (She worked at a store & my mom had gotten a hand-written rein check from her.)

I can't even remember half of the crazy stuff this psycho did to me. It's been over 10 years & I've repressed as much of it as I can. My dad is a cop, so he had an idea of how to handle this. (Because it is stalking and/or harassment) We had all the stuff she did put into a police report. The police never went to talk to her because really, unless I got a restraining order, there wasn't really much that could be done. BUT having this on file is good in case something happened in the future. Plus, when some in law enforcement runs her name, this stuff will come up. So if she starts harassing someone else & they file a complaint, they'll see that she's done it before. (I like to think of it this way: People that are truly rotten may not get in trouble for the awful things they've done immediately, but eventually, it will catch up to them!)

What ended my harassment from this was simple. She enlisted one of my brother's friends to join in on her crusade to make my life a living hell. My brother's friend, not being a very smart guy, but liking the booze she bribed him with, made an obscene phone call to me one night. But the dummy left it on my answering machine! So my dad had a chat with this guy & he admitted that this psycho girl was obsessed with me & had been doing all this stuff to me. She never bothered me again! I run into her from time to time & she's as scary as ever! Only now, she has a kid with some guy she met when she was living in another state. I think that was the only way she'd ever find a guy dumb enough to stay with her...by meeting a guy from out of the area, who has no clue how crazy she is.

It may be worth filing a police report on the junk mail you're getting. I would at least ask to speak with an officer & see what they say. Especially if you can match the hand-writing. Also, if you have harassing emails or the myspace stuff. An officer may decide to talk to BM or the SDs. Let them get belligerent with the officer & see how far that goes! And if they play it cool and/or deny stuff, then harass you even more about it, let the officer know. You might need a restraining order. I do office work in a law enforcement setting, so I see some of the complaints that come in. Our officers do follow-up on harassment complaints. Sometimes all it takes is people knowing that it's become a police matter to make it stop.