You are here

scared for my relationship because of sd lieing

birddogman99's picture

ok...I am going to warn everyone, this is a crazy situation..but I am desperate. Where do I about a bit of background.

my partner and I have been together for almost 2 years...and I love her a lot.

she has three girls ages 4,7,9. Her oldest is from from one biological father, and her two youngest are from her ex-husband. The oldest sees her biological father occasionally (once every month or so) and the two youngest spend every other weekend with their biological father. Even though the oldest also considers the ex-husband as a dad, she refuses to spend time with him when her sisters go every other weekend.

I have two sons 4 and 7 and I have a daughter 9. My kids are with me every other week, and with my ex every other week. I have a what I believe is a very good relationship with my kids and I considered myself the primary caregiver of the kids before my divorce.

So now here is the issue.....for the last 18 months I have had serious concerns about my partner's oldest girl (SD9). She is extremely intelligent, and is very manipulative and conniving. From a variety of actions she has turned my partner against my children (especially my oldest daughter) and she has even divided my partner away from her own two youngest daughters to a lesser extent. SD9 would constantly lie but I was never able to really prove it (until now...which I will explain below). My partner show absolutely no love or affection towards my kids and even borders upon contempt and dislike against my oldest daughter (BD9). This was not always the case, because at the start, my partner was very good to my kids...but I believe SD9 has driven my partner against my kids. I have tried repeatedly to ask my partner to try and love my kids, but she constantly blames my kids for her reaction.

So now we come to this weekend....I finally catch SD9 in lying...and I am able to prove it to my partner. SD9 signed went online and signed on as my 7 year old son (BS7) and sent an email to my ex telling her to "f*ck you". When confronted of course BS7 denies it as he had no idea it had happened. My partner and I confront SD9 and she denies it up and down. I spent 15 years in law enforcement and let me tell you that this kid is good at lying. My partner believes her and again starts blaming my kids. She says that if BS7 didn't do it...then BD9 did it.....or maybe my ex is making the whole story up.

I couldn't sleep that in many nights when the issue of the kids comes up. I decide to do my own digging and low and behold, I come up with the evidence that I needed to prove that it was SD9. So in the morning, I explain it to my partner, and while she is still hesitant to see it, we confront SD9. After about 10 minutes, SD9 finally admits that she did send the email. She even admits to purposely misspelling words in the email wrong to make it look like she didn't do it.

Now this is where it really gets crazy. My partner of course is upset. She asks about a couple of other issues that have happened in the past but SD9 denies everything else. I then sit down with SD9 and have a little chat. After a little time, I get her to start admitting to a number of other issues....these include;

about a year ago, SD9 gets an email sent from my BD9's account saying mean things. When I confronted my BD9 she denied sending the email...and even though I show her the email, she insists that she didn't send it. I always suspected that SD9 signed in on my daughters account and sent the email to herself, I was in a pickle. My partner insisted that my BD9 was lying and needed to be punished...which I did. Well guess turns out that SD9 did actually send the email. I finally get her to admit it!!!! Now as you can imagine, I am extremely upset....not only did the SD9 lie through her teeth, but I punished my BD9 for something that she didn't do!

Also about year ago there was an incident where some writing on the wall appeared. It said, "*SD9name* likes having sex with *BS7*. SD9's name was spelled incorrectly. Of course all kids denied writing the message on the wall....but as is the case, I suspected SD9 but was not able to prove it. My partner of course blamed my kids. Well guess forward to this week....and SD9 finally admits that it was her!

As you can see this kid is conniving and troubled. I am worried about having my kids around her. I am worried about myself being around her. I don't trust her at all.

Now, she is still continuing to I have other evidence, which I have not confronted her with yet....but I need help. My partner is starting to realize that she has a serious problem, but I don't think she comprehends the full extent. I don't believe that this is normal behaviour and SD9 needs professional help. For a kid to lie is one thing, but to deceive by trying to get other people in trouble to the extent that this kid does is way out there. This has caused serious problems with my partner and I. I have come very close to leaving several times. I love her but the problems we are having because of SD9 are enormous. I need help....I need her to fully accept what has been happening.....I need to her to realize the rift that SD9 has caused between my partner and my kids....I need her to realize the rift that SD9 has caused between my partner and her two youngest.

Please help me. I want to fix this issue, but I am not sure we can. I don't want to risk my kids or my relationship with my kids. I am so scared.

aidenmama's picture

ok this is crazy for a 9 year old to lie, so much and do evil things, but not un heard of because I have a ss9 who lies very badly as well. He tries to blame my son, who does not lie at all trust me if he did it he will tell you that yes i did it, even his school is baffled by his honest spirit.

my ss9 had been caught throwing my puppy several times, and tried to blame my son, he tried to kick my son and when my son hit him back he lied, but little did he know I had the baby monitor in my son's room and heard everything that happen. he is very nervous around me because he has gotten caught in so many lies. It's crazy, but for you with her being a little girl and lying and cursing and falsely accusing your bs of having sex, you need to start documenting this, do you have any way to get access to a spy camera, because you sure dont need these lies to go on any further. she may go to school and lie and say you tried to touch her. You just never know

oneoffour's picture

I would move out. You have no obligation to take on this troubled child and if my SSons were causing that much trouble and accusing my kids of things they didn't do....I would already be gone.

Also you have the GF who does not like your kids. Is it fair to allow/force your kids to live with an adult who blatently ddoesn't like them? Now I would never force anyone to love my kids. I think it is a personal thing. But to just not like them? They are part of you and you come as a package deal. So accepting and loving you means she should have some degree of affection for them. More like an aunt maybe? Can she even manage that? If not I would be moving out.

I think this SD needs to understand that crying wolf all the time will lead to her needing someone to believe her but no one will because of her lies. If someone steasl her bike why should anyone believe her? Also it may be attention seeking. Or she doesn't like her mother having anyone else in her life and the way to get you out is to alienate her mother and half siblings from you and in turn your kids.

Think long and hard about allowing your kids (who really are not able to make the choice where to live)to remain in this toxic home. I would already be gone. No man or woman is worth it.

Eyes Wide Open's picture

You know, in talking with DH's family, they say that SD24 knew how to "work a room" when she was just a baby. She learned very early on that if she cried loud enough, or hard enough, she got what she wanted. It's even been said that if she wanted something that SS26 was playing nicely with, he was asked to give it to her to appease her. No WONDER she's like she is! She can manipulate her parents, her grandparents, and her aunts. (she's even got the taxpayers fooled!) I'm about the only person who sees right through her, and she doesn't like it one little bit. Oh to be her!

Being as I walked into this mess when the skids were adults and already past your SD's age, I can only offer my condolences to you and suggest that you think this through VERY carefully before you get married. Everyone can dream that the skids will grow up and move on, but those of us with adult skids can tell you that they NEVER leave!

birddogman99's picture

thanks to those who have commented so far.

With respect to my partner not liking my children, I believe it is largely due to the manipulation of SD9. My hope is that now she realizes that SD9 has been so dishonest and manipulative, that she can rebuild the relationship with my kids....or is this too much to ask for?

So this is what I am thinking of doing....

First of all, I need my partner to commit to seeking counseling...for SD9 as well as the whole family for the damage that SD9 has caused.
Secondly, I need my partner to commit to rebuilding her relationship with my kids. She needs to accept what SD9 has done to ruin that relationship.
Thirdly, I need my partner to commit to speaking to her ex-husband's family and trying to rebuild that relationship. I don't mean between my partner and her ex-husband, so much.....I mean between SD9 and her sisters and the ex-husband. The fact that SD9 has wrecked havoc on her relationship with her own sisters and their extended family will cause problems down the road unless it is corrected right now.

If she can not commit to these three steps, then I have no choice but to leave. No matter how much I love this woman, I can not be part of this destruction of this family because of her refusal to accept SD9's issues.

Is this the right approach?

birddogman99's picture

one thing for sure is I am scared! I have spoken to my family about the issue and they are supportive of my plan, except my sister warns me that she expects my partner to agree to my plan verbally but won't follow through with it. My sister holds little hope out.

As you can imagine...this is sad. I am waiting till the kids go to bed before I sit down with my partner tonite.

foxxystep's picture

this is a tough situation, and a serious one at that. The problems start with parents allowing too much, not paying more attention, the create monsters unknowingly and when these monsters come out to bite everyone else, there's always the one person who gets the title of villian. In this case birddogman, its you. Also, be careful of not becoming obsessive over catching this child out. She's got a problem, and you have not created it. You are bearing the consequences of it. In an attempt to save yourself and your kids, you may just be doing your own kids some harm. Paying so much attention to the problem-child often leads to the other kids feeling neglected. They then see that acting up means you get attentin... and therein an ugly sycle begins...

Most Evil's picture

If the mom is harming your kids, you must consider breaking off the relationship. It is just not worth the cost to them. Sorry.