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Adult Step Kids

tuffcookie's picture

Its been awhile since I have been here. I'm back.....Ive been married 11 year's now...It has not been easy.

I have come back looking for advise....3 adult steps...They have caused so much stress for me and it continues as the world turn''s.

A step daughter who is 33 has done drugs for 11 year's that I know of., went to prison for 18 month's for writting her own prescriptions . Got out and was out for about 6 months went back to doing drugs.

about 3 months ago she got caught again 4 times plus 2nd degree burgurly ...sorry not a good speller.

she did a month in jail is now in rehab AGAIN. I'm almost positve she will be using again just a matter of time.

1..Has broke into our home

2. Has 2 other 2nd degree burglery

3..4 or 5 felonys

4..stole money out of my purse

5. stole my jewelery

6. got into the closet and took some of her dad,s pills and money

7. has had about 7 to 8 car,s in 11 years sells them within a week to a month. dad always gets her another 1

the list goes on and on.

she got mercer from shooting drugs she told her dad that wasnt true but I was there and was told she had it. but dad dont beleive it.

for now thats it I dont want to burden you all with all the other BS....its gotten to the point I dont want to be around her or talk to her or hear her lies

sandye21's picture

It is so sad you are going through this.  I adopted older children who did the same (drugs and stealing, etc.) and it is just horrible to live like that.  You wrote that DH continues to buy her cars after she wrecks them.  It appears he is enabling her with that and possibly other ways?  And this is your real problem.  You are going to have to create boundaries for both SD and DH. 

Do you own 1/2 of the home?  If so, you have the right to keep her out of your house.  You have the legal right to serve her with a restraining order on her and DH can visit her away from your home.  If DH owns the house, save up for an exit plan.  You did nothing to create this problem, you should not have to put up with it.  You have to do what is best for you now.  Best luck and please keep the faith.  (((HUGS)))

sammigirl's picture

I am so sorry you are going through this.   Your situation is critical.  I don't know what State your SD is in, but here it is "3 strikes and you are out.", meaning 3 felonies and you go to State prison for a long time.

Your DH is doing all the things to help his daughter go back to jail.  I went through this also.   One day the door opened for me and I stepped through it, no planning, it just became an opportunity. 

YSS55 went through all you have described here.  He began at the age of 15, just paroled from State prison 4 years ago at the age of 51.  I banned him from our home when he was 20.  I sat at the breakfast table with all family there, one weekend, when everyone was visiting; YSS55 had wrecked yet another of our vehicles the night before.   It just dropped off my tongue, " you get out tomorrow, you will never drive our vehicles again, you will not live here under our roof again, you will never steal from us again, you will never use our phone again.  You pack your shit and move out today, get a job, and the purse strings are cut, the well is dry.  Do I make myself clear?"  

You could have heard a pin drop in that large house.  Just 6 months ago, he calls DH crying, keep in mind he is now age 55.  He has been living with BM since his release 4 years ago (3 hours away, thank God).  They had an argument and YSS55 wanted to come stay with us for a couple of days.  I said absolutely not now, not ever.  Haven't heard from him since that day.  His Dad has been very ill, he has not even texted him.

I am the mean SM according to SD58.   I could care less what they think, I have peace in my home.  DH is actually happy to have me be the bad guy.  He never took the responsibility of parenting anyway, as neither did BM.

Just saying, I get it.  ((((Hugs))))

Rags's picture

I am 55yo.  As of Monday of last week. If I behaved as  your SS-55 behaves my 76yo very fit USMC father would be kicking my ass daily to force me to pull my head out and man up.   I would be no where near my parents home without near fatal consequences.

I am happy to hear of the peace in your home.

sammigirl's picture

Rags....somebody had to do it.  Guess I had enough of it and had not realized it, until i stepped forward and took it upon myself to fix it or go thru a divorce.  It never goes away, not to be fooled.  But I will be in control of my own destiny. 

As far as the age of YSS55, the issue with him is, the rules do not apply to him.  He was even dishonorabley discharged from U.S. Armed forces for not following direct orders.  Sick man!

As you know SD59 has been the major issue in our marriage.  It also will never go away.  I spent years trying to keep everyone happy.  I neglected myself.  Now I have peace, at a price of course.  My marriage changed, but is what it is.  We are moving forward, thanks to disengagement and immense support thru this site.

Again, ((((hugs)))) to toughcookie.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Thank goodness somebody was the parent Sammi, so sorry it had to be you. I love my husband in all other respects  but parenting is not his strongest asset either, that is evident.  You did the right thing, given your situation. You did the only thing.  You did the best thing for all parties involved.  Who cares who thinks who is mean?

sammigirl's picture

For me CANYOUHELP, it was as if it was a natural reaction.  It was as if someone opened my mouth and did it for me.  That is a sign of "enough is enough," i'm guessing.

Now it is a new way of living my life as I wish.  It is easier.

ldvilen's picture

Just like Sammigirl stated above, in these type of situations, you need to be the mean SM.  After all, this is the label everyone pretty much slaps on you anyway, without even having to meet you or look at you.  They just hear the term "SM" and auto. attach "mean" to the front of it.

If you have a truly psycho. or drug-addicted or other major pain-in-the-butt step-child, esp. when they are adults, you only need to be as involved as you want to be.  Seperate out your SD's behavior from your husband's actions.  From your perspective, mean SM, who cares if SD does drugs, goes to jail again, gets a 3rd felony and so on.  That is none of your concern.  Not your monkey; not your zoo.  There is no reason to permit this monkey in your home.  What she does outside your home, Pfft!

On the other hand, your DH enabling her and blowing money on her and wasting what is both your funds and resources, now THAT is your issue and one you need to address with your DH.  Look at it as what would you do if he was seeing and supporting another woman, which is basically what he is doing.  Would you tolerate him supporting a drug-addicted ho otherwise without taking some sort of strong action?  Sammigirl finally saw the light and took the necessary action.  She realized her marriage wasn't worth it if it meant she had to continually kowtow to another woman (or man) and put up with a 3-way marriage, with her winding up at the bottom pretty much every time.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You married into a dysfunctional family, OP. All the adults are sick together, with your H the ringleader enabler. You're being held hostage by other people's problems and behaviors.

You can't fix, change, or control the drama. You can't help or save these adults, who may not even be capable of change. All you can do is take steps to protect yourself from it, or leave. 

If you stay, insist your H to go counseling. Individual, couples, whatever, but make sure it's with a therapist experienced in addiction issues. Ban the criminal(s) from your home, your wallet, and your life. Be strong, because your H is weak, and build a big thick wall between you and the dysfunction. Zero tolerance is your friend.

If you leave, pour gasoline on the bridge and toss a match behind you. Erase all of them from your life.

My DH has a sister and adult niece who are addicts. Their lives have been a train wreck - they've even done drugs together. But you know what? I worked on myself, and despite pressure from other enabling in-laws, stopped enabling their crap. I wish them well but don't even know where they are. And my home and marriage are peaceful.

 

 

 

Rags's picture

TC,

I am sorry that  you are having to deal with all of this again. If again is the correct word. It sounds like it never ends.

Take care of  you.

Please.