Adult Step Daughter living with us
I need advice....here's What's going on.
A little over a year ago, my husband now 48 yr old daughter moved in with us due to her loosing her job directly as a result of depression and mental illness.
Her Doctor put her on Anti-Depressants and sent her to a Phycolagist. She is still on medication but refused to see the Phycolagist after just a couple times, refuses to see a different Phycologist as well.
She is very sweet and nice to everyone, but me. She is manipulative and jealous of my relationship with her father. (Her parents divorced when she was young, and her mother passed a few yrs ago)
She continually accuses me of looking at her wrong, acting as if I'm causing problems....after months of this, I agree it does cause problems and I get irritated and sometimes angry.
She has admitted to being jealous and said she wants her Dad to herself.
Tonight, she slammed her bedroom door into me twice, while we where arguing....i admit that made me very angry...i told her to get out. I won't put up with abuse.
She told me to get out and I just laughed at her. She then said she was leaving cause her father didn't love her or care about her anyway.
I didn't do anything to stop her. I'm so tired of the constant arguments, and her blaming me all the time.
She left for a couple hours and now is back home as her Dad called her, after she called him at work and told him I kicked her out.
I'm seriously tired of all this crap...its ruining my life and my marriage.
I am really sorry to read
I am really sorry to read that this is happening to you. Dealing with mental illness is hard on families and they need support for themselves to stop them going under too. It sounds as if you are a focus for her paranoia and this is all in her mind and nothing to do with your behaviour. She is an adult and despite her problems has to live in the adult world- you are right in saying you should not put up with this abuse.
Is your DH aware of your feelings? I figure he must be because he found out you had told her to leave- it is really important that he listens to you and acts on what you are saying.
There are all sorts of ways this woman can get help which doesn't put the burden on you and DH.
I can imagine that you are tired and fed-up- you have to make sure DH knows everything that is happening and if he refuses to act then you have to protect yourself and make plans to leave- but I hope it doesn't come to this. ((hugs))
DH thinks I'm to hard on SD
While my DH agrees that I shouldn't have to put up with abuse, his actions in getting his daughter back home are saying otherwise to me.
I had asked him several times to talk to her about getting professional help, but he refuses to get involved.
After reading many, many of the posts on this forum, I'm beginning to realize my situation is neither unique or likely to improve without my husband's support. Which in the past has been to absolve his daughter and tell me I'm to hard on her.
I have no idea what to do at the moment....Husband called from work and said we'll talk tomorrow....I hope and pray this time he really listens and does something real about the situation, but I have serious doubts that will happen.
Stop putting yourself between
Stop putting yourself between your SD's door and her arm reach... you may actually get yourself physically hurt if you keep trying that route.
There really isn't much for you and DH to 'talk' about. This situation can not continue and all really left to decide is when and how SD exits your home. She has to go, that's all there is to it. Does she qualify for disability (mental illness). Does she have any income left her from her mother' passing (inheritance?) Might she qualify for a group home?
I won't
I won't be putting myself anywhere near enough for her to touch me again.
Yes, SD is on disability. Plus she works. She is fully capable of living on her own, but why should she when Daddy won't make her?
Husband is supposed to have a talk with her tomorrow (later today) we'll see where that goes.
I suffer no delusions that anything will change....from my talk with DH just a few minutes ago, he just wants peace. News Flash! Me to!!!
Not going to happen as long as SD is here and jealous.
No $ left from Inheritance
No, she spent all the money she inherited.....and then her Dad bailed her out last year to the of over 5K in rent, bills etc when she was to depressed to go to work. That's why he moved her in, couldn't afford to keep paying her bills.
Your DH is playing ostrich
Your DH is ignoring the fact that SD is seriously ill. He thinks that by having her in the house he is helping. Wrong. He is enabling and preventing her from getting the serious medical help she needs.
Moreover he is ignoring the effect on you and his marriage. So this situation is not helping her while causing damage to you and your relationship. A destructive waste.
She needs to get help. She needs to be moved out. DH needs to see this.
Cut and Dry
Thank you. Very cut and dry. I needed to see that and acknowledge the truth of DH behaviour.
Often, people who develop
Often, people who develop serious mental illness in their adolescence don't mature emotionally, especially if they aren't pushed by their parents to be as functional as possible.
I'm with the others here, I think you need to decide whether or not you can continue to live this way, if DH continues to refuse to make her move out. It's your house, too, I assume, but without his cooperation, getting her out will be hard. So ultimately, the only thing you can control is whether or not you stay there.
If, for whatever reason, the house is in your name only, you can give her thirty days' notice to leave, and then evict her if she does not. Probably won't make DH happy, but he doesn't seem to care about your happiness.
You can’t deal with crazy.
Her mental illness, is going to distroy your marrage if you let it happen. Your SO is putting his DD first over you. The more you push the more you are going to lose. You got to get her out of your home .
When you talk to him, talk to
When you talk to him, talk to him as if her moving out is a foregone conclusion and the only possible solution. Don't dwell on the problems, just dwell on what you and he need to do to get her setup in her own space. Don't waste time bickering about what she did or what she said, just talk about where the money will come from to set her up in her own place. Period.
You need to send the message that you're done and it's time to move on to the next situation. He, of course, will want her to stay there and for everything to stay the same. You just tell him, "Look, we tried it, it didn't work out, so what do we need to do to move her on?" Do not allow him to think for a moment that her moving out isn't going to happen and stick to your guns.
If he still gives you trouble, tell him, "It's not up to you. She treats you fine. I'm the one who is mistreated, so I'm the one making the call that I've had enough. So how are we getting her out?"
Remind him frequently that you tried and it's not working so the ball is back in his court, but never give the illusion that you're giving her more time to work it out. Your line in the sand is that you're done and the situation must change.
Just doing some simple math I
Just doing some simple math I figure you and DH are in the retirement phase of your life. I couldn't imagine being "done" with the whole child rearing thing and having a grown abusive mentally ill SD move in. That's really unfair to you and putting her back into the role of child instead of adult out making it in the world.
If she is truly mentally ill then she needs help, being allowed to abuse you is not helping anyone. This would be a hill to die on for me. I would give her her legal written 30 day notice to vacate and personally I would live somewhere else at DH's expense during that time. If he refuses to go along hire a lawyer and file for legal separtion with full spousal support.
There are organizations that will help SD; group homes and services that will help support her in daily living from her own home. DH really needs to look into these services because he won't be around forever to take care of her.
Alot to take in
You've all given me sound and sage advice. It's alot to take in. I have some serious decisions to make.
Thank you all.
My own daughter has add/ same
My own daughter has add/ same thing refuses help from psychiatrist.
i suggest you get her out of your house. Getting my daughter out and not allowing her back in saved my life. She put pills in my drink.
‘So, I’m just telling you from my point of view. Plus, this is a sd. Not only is she suffering from mental she also hates you. Get her out immediately. If you have to call the police do so. I’m sorry don’t mess around with this.
i mean you don’t want harm to yourself from this person, your house torched or anything. Get her out . I wouldn’t give her a written notice that’s too long if she’s being destructive and you’re in fear. The police can get her out plenty faster if she tearing up your home and ranting like that.
my daughter , I love her but she’s never allowed to move in with me.
‘There’s help out there from group homes to psychiatrist wards where she can get the help she needs. Then can also evaluate her more throughly and come up with an appropriate placement
Time for the directive rather
Time for the directive rather than the discussion.
"She immediately goes for Psychiatric help or she is out. She remains under regular psychiatric care or she is out. You enforce this directive or you are both out."
End of discussion. Lather, rinse, repeat.
The burrying one's head in the sand method does not work nor does ignoring problems. The emporer was butt naked whether anyone said anything or not. Say something, keep saying something and .... enforce the directive.
Take care of you.