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Adult step-daughter is interfering in my marriage to her father

hellodoily's picture

For 30 years, I have been a good step-mother. We paid child support, flew his daughter all over the country to be with us during holidays, vacation, etc. His daughter has always been "better than me" - always a comment or two just to me about my cheap bedspreads or inferior toilet paper. I never told her dad the way she treated me. I just thought she would grow up and go away. WRONG! She's married with 3 kids and lives 700 miles away. She talks with my husband daily. By the time he gets home from work, he has already talked about his day with her - so he really isn't interested in going over all of it with me. That is not fair to me. I don't have anyone to talk to about my day - we can't share with each other anymore. It isn't like she is doing all this on her own, my husband still thinks she is 8 years old. He calls her too. I'm over it. Her children are rude and obnoxious. She and her husband are rude and obnoxious to me. They treat my husband like a King. I've told him in the past that I couldn't handle their relationship. I get the silent treatment. Since their visit, I wanted to talk to him about some of the things that happened while they were here - he won't even say a word about her. So, I stopped talking about her too. Even now, weeks later, he might mention her name, but I don't discuss her. I love my husband and don't want this between us - but it is. I don't want a divorce, but I certainly don't want this. I'm 2nd place in his life - don't need that. I want someone who loves me and puts me #1 in his life. Is this too much to ask? I don't think so. I can't figure out how to talk to him about this. Any suggestions?

SammyJo58's picture

Welcome! I recently discovered this forum and it has been a Godsend. My situation sounds very similar to yours. I have been a stepmom for 20 years to DH now 25 yr old daughter. Even though she is married and now lives provinces away, she is still causing problems in my marriage.

I recently decided to disengage after she played the straw that broke the camel's back (see my blog for my story). I also started counselling, and it has helped. As she said, by constantly trying, you are only empowering her to hurt you more. StepAside gives good advice. I now am seeking out companionship with people that are supportive. It is making a difference.

caregiver1127's picture

I have to disagree - you are married to your husband because you love him and want to be with him and share your day and life with him. You spent many years catering to these kids and now IT IS YOUR TIME AND TURN. If you husband does not see this then I think you need to go to counseling together and work this out. Also if he allows her to be rude to you that says alot about him. Maybe if a unbiased person gives their opinion on how he needs to be more attentive to you and that his daughter has a husband and a life and you two need to have the same maybe he will change. If not I say you will need to divorce.

You say you don't want a divorce but you don't want to be #2 (which being his wife you should never have been #2 but this seems to have been going on for years) and you want to be #1 to someone. If it is not him then you have the right to have that happiness and be #1 to someone. To disengage and find a friend is not solving the problem you will still feel bad and there is a lot of resentment and with good reason but to always feel this is not good for you or your health.

I am not saying any of this to make you upset but you deserve to be #1! I will pray for you and good luck!

tofurkey's picture

Like!! Smile

teri438's picture

Hi. I understand your frustration, but you need to focus on your husband now. Your SD is grown and out of the house. You as parents need to rekindle your relationship, is he willing? Let him know how you feel. Councling for you both seems like a good choice now.

As for her, forget it! Dont let her hurt you anymore.

SammyJo58's picture

Caregiver - just to clarify my above post, my DH has agreed to go to counselling with me. If he had not, I would seriously be considering divorce, however, there are other issues with us not related to the SD issue, although that is the major one at this point.

I meant only to disengage from the SD, NOT the husband. I am planning a vacation get-away for DH and me for January. We need time on our own as a couple. Every couple needs that in order to stay connected. But supportive friends and family help the stress of the SD situation. They understand, whereas many of our DHs can't see the forest for the trees.............. :O

hellodoily's picture

Thank you Thank you Thank you all so much for taking the time, just taking the time to let me know I'm not the only person feeling this way. I'm so very tired of feeling this way. I finally sat my DH down and told him (again) that I just could not go on with this situation with his daughter. He was defensive at first. But I explained that I shouldn't have waited so many years to tell him how his daughter was so rude to me. And now that she is married, so is her husband and kids. I told him their constant phone calls were ruining our marriage. I felt better just saying everything out loud. He assured me that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I agreed - I don't want to leave either. And - that's kinda where we are. The more I think about it, the more I realize that nothing has changed. Nothing at all. It will all be forgotten about and swept under the rug. He is content here, and is not going to change. He loves his daughter and is not going to tell her about my comments. Everything will stay just the same. I think I'm gonna be sick. It's useless. I've been in therapy for years over various things and have received tremendous help. This particular situation is sticky. I'm 56, he's 65. I don't want the SD in my home again. He is free to go see them (900 miles). The grandchildren are his. I have tried to be a "nana" around them, but they seem to have no need of another one. Just a sad situation.

Minnow's picture

Hellodoily,

I know I'm late responding but i just joined this site yesterday. Your story is very familiar to me. I sat with my husband last night and explained once again that I do understand his love for his children (I have my own BD) but it isn't fair or right that he continues to allow his adult children to treat me with disregard and disrespect. I reminded him that I am his life partner, I am the one that will be sharing his present and his future and his children need to understand that he will not tolerate their disrespect and rudeness toward me.

Last weekend my husband was angry and frustrated with this situation and contacted one of my SD and said he wanted this all resolved and put the speaker phone on. This SD is 25 years old and married to a man who totally disrepects me because she told me he "just doesn't relate to Mother figures". Both of my SDs and this new husband have lost their Mothers as teenagers and believe me my heart goes out to them but I never wanted nor did I ever try to step in as a Mother figure. I just wanted to be a friend, soomeone they could come to if they wanted to.

I felt during that hour conversation that I was being attacked and was put on the defensive. My SD number one complaint during this conversation was that she is upset that I did not spend 4 hours in a hotel room getting ready prior to her wedding 2 years ago because at the time my Mother had dimentia and I wanted to dress at home so that my Mother could see me and my husband all dressed up and hopefully realize who we were. To make a long story short this SD said that her wedding was "her day" and it didn't matter how I was treated prior to that day by her or her fiance or whether I wanted to see my Mother, I should feel remorseful for not spending that 4 hours in the hotel room with 10 other people getting ready for her wedding and making sure she was happy.

As a side note, my Mother died. Until the very end I took care of my Mother feeding, bathing and dressing her. I will never feel any remorse nor will I ever apologize for any tiime I spent with her. This SD did not come to my Mother's Memorial but I did receive a card.

I'm sorry this post has gone on so long and the point really was to tell you I do understand how you feel. My husband and I have been through counseling for years but we are now 8 years in a marriage and I still feel that I will always be somewhat of an "intruder" in his children's lives. I don't feel I am the priority either. You are right, it is very sad.

edwina7's picture

Wow! Sonrisa before I read all of your posts, I knew that most of your Skids issues had to be about money! I hate to say it, but I thought that there must be a large inheiritance that might be the cause of the SD being such a biatch! When there is a Will at stake regarding adult children, you can bet that the skids want to make sure that Daddy doesn't forget them, even though they may not be all that infatuated with dear ole Dad. I have found in my own case that his brats only stay close now to make sure that they get a cut. They only call him at Christmas and sometimes on Father's Day, never send cards or gifts and act like they "adore" him. Very hot and cold. This has only been lately as Dad is now 67 and they fear that he will leave it all to me! So sad, but blood is thicker thatn water and no matter what the do or don't do he loves them like crazy. They expect gifts from us, but this year I said that I didn't want to send them anything. His daughter waited until late Chritmas evening to call him and when he asked me if I wanted to speak with her , I said NO and she of course didn't tell him to wish me a MC. so sad that she is such a miserable, manipulative woman, please pray that she doesn't concieve a child at 38 because she would be a HORRIBLE parent. By the way, I am psoitive that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and her brother is an alcoholic/now meth addict with a kid on the way. Help!

madbee's picture

This really sounds like what I go through. His daughter seldom visited or called him over the years, but now that he is in final stage liver failure, she's  all over him, flying in to try to take charge and when not here, calling constantly  to the point that he can barely  rest. She is very inconsiderate.  She and his step son from another marriage have banded together to demand to know what they are inheriting.  They have both let me know they expect me to move, so our house can be sold. My name is on all paperwork regarding this estate as we were married when we obtained land and home. I would never again marry anyone with a daughter. They will resent your presence and disrespect you. Most men do nothing to stop it.

AVR1962's picture

Stepson admired his dad also until his dad finally stood up for me, took him 20 years. I tink hsband did the right thing and finally took a stand with his son. And while I feel this had to happen, there has been so many years of BS that has come between husband and I concerning his family and the stepkids. His family and I no longer speak to one another which makes it very hard, all the way around. I too have thought of divorce many times and wonder if that would actually get rid of all the tension. Is it possible to walk away from all of this and leave it behind forever? Husband and I have a child we share and in some respect we will be tied in one way or another.

I feel bad that all of this has happened but I would have had to have been an absolute doormat to these people to make it work. Husband had no backbone and wanted to make everyone happy, life just work that way.

I am sorry for what you are dealing with. It is not easy and I wish I had the magical answer but unfortunately I don't think there is one. Thank goodness for groups like this and friends hat are willing to give us support.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

i do understand.. I wish to god I didn't. SD calls DH everyday or he visits her everyday. She lives around the corner so it is very easy to stay close in touch. I wouldn't mind the visits and calls if she didn't have an ulterior motive. These are the times she uses to belittle me and put negative thoughts about me in DH's head. Some days he is soo crabby and mean after one of their sessions that I JUST KNOW they had a big gossip session. There are even times when he will say something that it totally not his style of speaking - he is reiterating something she said. I recognize the different speaking sytle immediately and have recently called him on it. The other day, he said oh you are just jealous. This is NOT something he ever would have said in the past so I know sd said it. When I said so, he got all huffy - he gets that way when I am right and hit the nail on the head. Just trying to disengage right now and keep my DH and my relationship happy. Soon she will notice and comment how I am being mean by not calling her. The next round is going be real ugly, since I plan on telling DH that I will no longer pretend to be the "stepmom". My job is done - she is now 35 years old for crying out loud. I have been her SM for 20 years and this is the thanks I get. I no longer wish to play in this wicked triangle. Life is far too short and getting shorter every day I waste on this foolish woman. Hugs to all the step moms.

53andtired's picture

It is so amazing that these stories go on and on. Skid's can totally ruin our lives ,so quickly. Thank God for the support on this forum and all the Step parents everywhere. I have to say as much as I Love My Husband I am not sure I would do it again. The stress that his girls have put on me has sucked the life out of me and left me feeling so alone. As most of you have said I also have NO support from my husband. It's a sad way to have to live out your life, when we should be close and having some fun as we get older. At least one day it will all be over...." Broken Hearted On This Day"

madbee's picture

A man with a daughter will always be pulled in her direction. It's the rare SD who is kind and reasonable, and it is the rare man who can see his daughter for what she really is. I deeply  regret the marriage.