Adult SD
I have been married for 11 years to a widower who had four children. I have no biological children. SD28 and I get along great and she refers to me as mom. SS24 also treats me like his mom as does SS22. The problem is SD27. I can't explain it but I get physically nauseated when it comes to her. She still is grieving for mom who she lost 13 years ago. I lost my dad at the same stage of my life and can understand where she is coming from. However, she rarely comes to visit despite living 30 minutes away.....even though she finds time to travel around the state and even to the east coast. It breaks my heart for my husband. When he was in the midst of his own battle with cancer 7 years ago, I had to bribe her to come from college 3 hours away to help for a day. She is very materialistic and even though she gets what she asks for at the holidays she will complain that the others got more. She has verbally put me "in my place" several times as a teen. DH says she was the one that their mom worried about as she was dying. However, she is the sweet "Christian" girl who is just like her mom and everyone adores. I can't express to anyone how I feel.
I did seek help from a counselor the first few years as well as med for anxiety and depression. I avoided her as much as possible. But dang it.... I don't know what to do now. Sometimes just the mere mention of her name sends me into a tailspin. I would prefer to just avoid her but I know I can't do that forever. DH is 21 years older than me and I want his life to be happy but I deserve to be happy too and not be on pins and needles.
Any help would be appreciated.....I could relay more but I feel like I am rambling.
You need to stay out of
You need to stay out of things between sd 27 and dh. If he is bothered by her lack of visits he needs to tell her.
Stay out of it. It is his
Stay out of it. It is his relationship with his child. As for gifts, why is he still giving that many gifts to adult children. My parents stopped giving us gifts in our early twenties. We may have gotten some several small pieces, but nothing big anymore. Now they spend on their grandchildren and even that is limited. Sounds like he still spoils them and that leads to some of this selfishness.
I think if you stay away from her and do not discuss her, you will start to feel better.
Thanks for the input. I do
Thanks for the input. I do my best to keep my opinions to myself as my husband knows all too well how I feel. I don't want him to ever feel like he has anything to hide from in regards to her.
Luckymomme- There is definitely more to the story. Too much to even go into. I appreciate your input as it definitely is what I need.
As far as gifts...they definitely are not being spoiled. I am the one that does the shopping. We ask them for an item or two that they need or want and try to get them something. But it is never the correct things or enough even though it is what she explicitly asked for.
Here is my true concern that is coming up:
Oldest child is coming to visit from another part of the country in a month. She, SIL, and our only gradnchild will be staying with us for about 2 weeks. From past experience, SD27 will now want to constantly be over at the house with boyfriend of the month and be involved in our daily lives. I work alot so I will be able to avoid her some. But what about the rest of the time? I don't feel like I should hide out in my room like I did when she was a teenager to avoid her. But I know that I won't always feel like having her around and don't want to be selfish by saying you can't come over it is my time with them....that will just cause more issues.
Any suggestions? I love when DH and I go to visit the grandbaby because then it is just our time.
All my sympathy to you. I
All my sympathy to you. I recognize that nausea feeling with my OSD26. I haven't much to suggest except to say that you need to make it understood/acceptable to your DH that you treat each of his kids differently, in a way that's not permissible to bioparents but is our privilege as non-blood-related relatives. Once he accepts this a whole burden will pour off your shoulders. For example, I'm very friendly to my YSD25, react to circumstances with my SS23, and am completely off with my OSD. So bad is it between us that we rarely even meet. DH and I attended a party for his parents the other day, the thing was arranged by SIL and him. OSD came along and I actually flat out ignored her -- but of course it was easy as she did the same as me. At moments it got a bit surreal as she did come rather close up at times to see what I would do. But I kept it up and I recommend it as the start of a strategy in desperate times.
When DH and I married I was
When DH and I married I was very upset at how SS30 treated him. I wanted to protect dh and help him fix their relationship all while DH enabled ss30 and endured his abuse. DH would come to me and "dump" after an abusive episode w/ss30. I used to be supportive and listen forever, get all emotionally involved, take DH's side and on and on. I would get upset each time ss30 did this to DH, meanwhile DH would turn around and defend him making me the bad guy. It was a lose lose for me. Then I went to a brilliant counselor who told me that DH needs to deal with his son alone. DH needs to feel his abuse and sit with it. I was not to allow DH to dump on me because in my own way I was enabling the situation. Since then I have totally disengaged from the situation. DH tried to pull me into one of the drama fests not long ago, I listened for about two minutes then changed the subject.
You've got to disengage and let DH deal with her.
^^^THIS^^^. My DH has tried
^^^THIS^^^. My DH has tried it with each of the adult skids in turn over the years. At the moment we are on the third and last, it's like the classic fairytale because I actually am very fond of her. So she is the acid test. I've taken a lot of strength from Still Learning's words here.
The thing is....She is
The thing is....She is 27...the parenting stage is over...Your job is done. Part of this was not your job to begin with...the relationship between your Dh and his daughter is their relationship....Trust me, I know, after 26 years of parenting my stepchildren through my DH, because he was so passive about all of it...It took me over a year of disengagement to let it go and give them to God. They are adults. You cannot fix this. It is between them and the God they serve now. You are "owning the relationship" meaning...you are going 200% because they are passive. You are taking control of the ENTIRE relationship. and trying to insure it is what you think it should be. I did the same damn thing. It just about destroyed me both emotionally and mentally...they are obviously content with not visiting. They do not have problem with it. Sometimes we have to tell ourselves...this is not my problem...not my business, and it is what it is because of who your dh is, and who they are, and what they put into it.
You are actually training them to do nothing because you will make up their part for them. A relationship consists of two people...not one doing all the work...i would disengage. and when you feel yourself being sucked back into it mentally (which you will often in the beginning)...it is a process of letting it go now. like I said Parenting season is over...they don't need to be parented anymore...You need to let them individualize and become who they were meant to be. even if you don't like it. You can now take a break. it is a new season to rest, enjoy your husband...focus on all the wonderful relationships you do have and stop focusing on the ones that fall short. Many times we set ourselves up for disappointment by having false expectations to start with...
When our stepchildren disappoint us, we have to ask ourselves if we had realistic expectations of them to begin with...Expected something from them that they do not have to offer....because people have been overcompensating them their entire lives..Do not put your life on hold to wait for the last one to come into the fold to make your family picture perfect...
Go catch a fleeting sunset with your spouse and enjoy your life while you still have time...His happiness should not be defined by 1 individual...and life is too short to walk on pins and needles because of someone else's issues...