Adult Narcissistic Stepdaughter is driving a wedge between my shuband and me
My Stepdaughter and her new boyfriend came to visit us recently and she treated me very rude by not appreciating the things I did for her like cook delicious meals etc. She did not thank me or appreciate anything I do for her.
We took them both to play golf with us (I rarely play) and paid for their rounds and cart fees etc. and I think it pissed her off when I asked her where she and her BF were taking us to dinner! I know that it would never happen unless I took the step to ask! They did grudgingly!
Her new BF is very close to his mother and so she is now acting like the daughter she should have been to her Father. ( I think it is only to imporess this new BF) Her parents divorced when she ase 9 and she has played the two dads to her advantage to get what she wants Anyway she feels threatened by me and wants to make sure that she gets a large part of his estate since Dad is on the outs with her brother, the drunk.
Whenever she comes to visit us and it is often 4 times this year she never, I mean never, offers to pay for anything. She makes over 125k per year and in the 12 years I have known her she has bought me coffee twice. Dad always jumps through hoops for her.. as an example she saved money by flying into an airport 100 miles away last spring knowing that her Dad had to drive out of the way to pick her up which is fine with me, but I think selfish.Her Dad is so afraid that he is going to lose her because I became very upset with her and let her have it before she left town to go back home.I told her that she needed to brush up on her manners and that I felt that a thank you would go a long way. Also told her that she acted like royalty and that this was my house too! Well shockingly her Father sides with her!!!!!
He thinks that I looks for ways to pounce on her and that I am to never do this again without talking first with him!
I know that she is a textbook Narcissist because she is not interested in talking about anything but her. It is so sad that she manipulates everybody and uses people, but her Dad thinks she is wonderful. I now know why she is this way because he has always told her how special she is. She works for one of the huge internet software companies where all of the employees feel entitled and are better that everyone else.
Now my husband has turned on me and thinks that I have alienated his entire dysfunctional family. They are passive-agressive and I am one who gives it to you straight if you have pushed me too far. Husband is one of these wonderful guys who lets people walk all over him.
I'm thinking that we should do counseling and he is willing to go,but he says that changing anything about his relationship with his kids is off limit. Think we will go anyway and see what transpires... Help??? Does anyone have some wisdom for me. I love him and want to stay!
I would tell my husband (if
I would tell my husband (if he got knocked on the head and had brain damage because this is the only way he would ever want to think like this) that it is about time he visited his daughter in her home town. It would be nice for him to go and visit her without the feeling of tension and he deserves time alone with his daughter.
Do not discuss the daughter. If he announces she is coming to stay for a week, inform him he needs to spend time with his daughter without you because her attitude is unattractive. However he is welcome to entertain her himself and you will be spending the 7-10 days at a hotel
I suspect once you are not around to act as a buffer he will realise what a slug she is. Or he won't and you won't have to put up with her.
I have come to believe some parents don't want to agknowledge how awful their kids are because that is unAmerican. So instead when the s/parent voices what they secretly know in their heart, the truth is out there and all the parent needs to do is agrue about it. The s/parent is the fall guy.
I would never stay in a hotel
I would never stay in a hotel while she visited, but I might fly to another state and visit someone who I would enjoy.
I think my husband has been in competition with his daughter's stepfather that he has gone to extremes to pamper and spoil her with words of lavish praise!
She unfortunately lives in a horrible climate and since we now live in the sunbelt and her new BF plays golf she suddenly now wants to take up the sport and since we belong to a club here she has designs to entertain her new sweetie at our expense. By the way she never expressed an interest until she met this guy and now she wants to come down here and play all of the time with her new clubs!
Yuk!
Oh thank yougoforit...this is
Oh thank yougoforit...this is great advice and the one that makes a lot of sense. I have decided that I will not cook again for her, but this means that we have to take her out for every meal and pay for it and whoever she chooses to bring along which she does often. Sometime in the past I used to encourage her and her Dad go out without me and that is fine but it is something I need to do again.
We will never be close..unfortunately because she is a narcissist and there is no cure for this disorder. Deep down they are very insecure so apparently this is why her behavor is so nauseating. Can't fill that hole.
I can see her chomping at the bit to get her hands on our new beautiful home that we have created a wonderful environment to live in.
Hell no, I'm gonna fight this little witch and beat her at her own little nasty game.
We have worked too far to let her destroy what we have.
He says he is willing to go to therapy so I think we will go.
Has anybody else had any type of therapy for a narcissistic family member?
All of the research that I have done says the best type of relationship to have with a narcissist is None!!!
Any more words of wisdom? thanks for letting me vent..this is a great forum and I'm glad I found you all!
Oh, but she is a princess and
Oh, but she is a princess and she is going to get her daddy to spend money on her every chance she gets!
She even times the trips to coordinate with her birthdays so she can get a gift from us.
Never recriprocates. If she does do something nice, I hate to say it but there is a reason and she has an ulterior motive.
Her new plan is to take up golf and bring her new golf lovin' sweetie down here and entertain him.
I am starting to see that her father is a huge part of this entitlement thing she has going.
When he told me that this was her house too I nearly threw up! Both my hubby and I worked hard to make this our dream home and I resent this very much. We are getting along very well now that the storm has passed, but I am sure that we will have head knockin in the future. Good advice and thanks to all!
Am I crazy to think that he is off base telling her that this is her home too?
Her home?!? Does she pay the
Her home?!? Does she pay the mortgage? You're not off base at all. She's an adult with her own place to live I presume.
Dealing with a very similar issue myself with my SD20. I wish I had all the answers *sigh* I have to think therapy would help, since he probably does react so badly since he knows deep down you're right. Good luck!
My thoughts exactly. You're
My thoughts exactly. You're trying too hard to get SD to like you, to accept you. When she doesn't matter. Stop giving her that power over you. Let DH keep jumping through hoops, he appears to always have been. Eventually he will stop seeking her approval for his life and stop being a puss her emotional manipulation. It reminds me of the high school story where everyone is trying to get in good with the popular girl. But when its all over, years later, we discover how really trouble she was. When you stop kissing her butt, she'll get better. Besides, at $125K she should be taking you guys out. Next time, instead of them coming over, meet them outside your home. I truly believe we have to be careful who we let into our homes, even family. Everyone doesn't have your best interest at heart.
Oh my!! This situation
:jawdrop: Oh my!! This situation sounds familiar. I have been dating someone for over 2 years now who has 3 "adult" children (20, 23, 25). The son (23 y/o) is the only one left in the house, and the 20 y/o moved back in with the ex-step parent because she could not take the narcissist son anymore! I do not have children. So, the person I am dating is a Dr., and is a therapist - and so am I...which makes for a doubly interesting situation. We both know that narcissism develops from trauma-related experiences, so our approach with him (mind you I do not live there) is understanding and we never yell or get angry - as the response will only promote defense mechanisms. However, he is verbally abusive, and feels that he can go off the handle for 3-4 hours into the middle of the night, while his mother just sits there and tries to provide what he needs to hear. However, he goes off on her all the time, and is abusive.
So, in my opinion - she is acting more like his therapist than what she really needs to act like - which is a parent with clear, firm boundaries. In some ways - I feel that she is promoting the narcissism by not being as straigh forward (in a kind way) that she needs to be...which may be forcing him into moving out. I'm sure it is difficult in her position, knowing what she knows about trauma, etc. - however also appears somewhat blind to the situation because it is her son. Her two other kids are fine with us, and know that he is not right.
More recently I've talked to her about my feelings, and what I feel might be helpful (e.g. setting more firm boundaries, providing therapy information as to who to see). My concern is about witnessing the verbal abuse, as there have been times where I step in the room where it is going on because I cannot tolerate it - then he goes off on me and tries to wedge himself between us and create problems (e.g. "why is she here when I need to talk to you"). She needs her time with her kids, but when it comes to abuse - I cannot tolerate it. She shouldn't either.
Any suggestions? Recommendations?
Our days of dealing with my
Our days of dealing with my Husband's daughter, whom we finally came to understand, has narcissistic personality disorder (she's 37) are over, but it took 7 years of dealing with her to get to that point. My good fortune was that from the time we agreed to marry 6 years ago, my husband assured me that we were a bonded couple and that his difficult children would not come between us.
Of course, that was not perfectly true. His daughter, a very highly paid professional, increasingly stepped up her punitive treatment of her father for remarrying and the problem we had was that he took it out on me. Being a counselor, myself, I asked him to go to therapy so I didn't have to be his therapist in the situation, so he went for 3 years. It allowed me to be a wife with all the feelings and reactions to the situation that were normal. We were fortunate that in the 2nd year of therapy, she moved half way across the country. Her abuse of him was withholding love in the form of distancing and silence and it felt less painful from a distance, but it still went on in full force. While she was nearby, it grew from 2 months to a year at a time. When we did see her, she would be cold to him when they'd formerly had a close relationship. We all went to the beach the first year (she was 30) and she clung to him like a jealous 13-yea-old, smiling at me coyly, had 6-year-old tantrums when she didn't get to pick the evening restaurant, and pretended to have an ingrown tonail (she didn't) that I was to nurture for her (she's a physician).
Sigh. I took it all in my stride, I think both because I tend to be laid back around people but also because the behavior was so shocking I didn't know what else to do!
It was my husband who was directly and definitely threatened with loss of her love, as so many dads with daughters like this threaten, but she actually did it instead of got in our faces and made us miserable in our home. I was just invisible to her. Perhaps her reaction ws because her dad consistently confronted her with great courage. This is not a disorder to coddle, like I've read above. This is a disorder that cannot be worked with. Parents of adult children make this mistake instead of taking care of their own relationships, where the real emotional food is.
Finally, a year ago last summer, the daughter got married and with no warning, did not invite her father. He'd been exchanging letters with her for two years, but she lied to her new family and brother that they had not been in touch in that long and there was no reason to invite him. She also lied in the last of those letters to her dad that no one in either of the bride or groom's family was coming to the destination wedding in the Carribbean except her brother, but the cd with pix and video the son gave his dad showed otherwise. The grooms extensive family was there and very few people for the bride.
After that, she wrote a newsy note to her dad two months later, as though they were still communicating. Since she rarely wrote first, I knew she was testing the waters after excluding him (and her mother) from her wedding. He wrote her back a loving but firm note that their relationship was at an end, that she seemed happy and he was glad for her but that there relationship was no longer working. No argument from her, no communication since then.
With that weight off of us, our marriage has grown happier and more secure. Still issues with the son who is bonded to the sister from childhood (mother was mentally ill) and that causes occasional problems, but nothing like we went through from the daughter. We hear she has over-extended herself in a grand home, expensive car and grand vacations, but that business is not going well. Well, she has a husband to work on that with now. Not our problem.
My husband continues the same tough love with his son, who recently told his dad he doesn't like our marriage, that we were both too strong willed, and didn't want to come to our home. This from a man who married an 11-year-youger woman who'd been a stripper for 6 years, was bipolar and got pregnant by another man while they were married - the marriage lasted 3 years. She's now in another state, prenant by someone else again. Funny, the son and she were having to go through fertility treatment because of a problem she had. The fertility problem must have been that they slept in separate bedrooms from the beginning of the marriage. This son is not liking our marriage??? Goodness.
Don't get me wrong. My husband was terrified of losing the love of his children. That's why he allowed the daughter to go on hurting him so long, but he finally burned out - and had a lovely male counselor to talk with - who by the way, never really gave up hope they could reconcile. And yes, my husband's just as worried about losing his son. But he feels he and I are his life. We spend our days and nights together and do not live with them. They could be a pleasant addition to our lives and visa versa, but they aren't and they, not we, chose to live like this. We are old enough in our 60's to know we need peace and safety, not to be battling for what does not exist.
My son calls us "his parents," and shows up for holidays, treats us well, takes care of our computers and there is peace. My parents adore my husband and all of this puts my husband's children into the perspective they belong in. He knows he doesn't have to turn into a pretzel to be loved and doing that isn't worth it anyway - not when it brought chronic upset to our lives. After each incident, we'd be upset for a week and venting to one another. But it took a lot of years to get to that point. I like to say I cried enough tears over the matter to cry for a week. But the parent of the troubled child/children simple has to take a stand and hold it and without arguing with the child who's enmeshed and engaged in the destructive behavior. Let them go work it out somewhere else. This is the limit, period.
There's a book called Step Wars for older people who marry and the adult children cause trouble. It was renamed in subsequent printings, but I think you will find it under that to get started. It helped us. It allowed my husband to see that he was not alone in the problem. Not enough is written on this topic. I recommend this reading - good luck and courage to all.
Peace in Ohio
Well all---here I am almost 1
Well all---here I am almost 1 year later and things are a bit more settled because my 38 yr. old "Narcissistic Stepdaughter" eloped with a fellow who she only dated for 1 year! He has no job, but owns rental properties where he supposedly earns money from. I think he must be dealing drugs personally, but I am much happier because she is focused on her "happily married" image now. I just about fell out of my chair when she made the announcement in the form of an email to the family that she was engaged and she attached two images---one of her ring and the other some boutique lodge where her proposed!!! No pic of the future husband, the playboy. With her Dad, she is so hot and cold ----one minute and is sugary sweet and the next ---- no contact for months. We just got back from a fabulous trip about a month ago and she has yet to call and see how it went. Before our trip she was so sweet saying that she couldn't wait to see the images, etc.
I have learned to let go of my troublesome thoughts about her and focus on the positive things in my marriage. Now the drama has shifted to hubby's alcoholic son who is using meth now and has impregnated another woman who is also using! Son stands to inherit a generous sum of money one day if he lives that long and I am sure that he has told her that his ship was coming in soon! I am just amazed at all do this dysfunction but have decided to let go of it, and not let it affect me like in the past. His estranged alcoholic son called earlier in the summer and told his Dad that he wanted him to divorce me because he was choosing me over him! His Dad told him that he was choosing us both. When his grandmother turned 96 this year he said that if I was coming to her party he wasn't. Well he came with his new girlfriend and was obviously high but was so warm and friendly towards me I couldn't believe it so I was incredibly nice to his as well. He gets enough money from a trust fund albeit a small amount just to keep him afloat, and not working. I informed hubby that I will call child protective services if I get any wind of neglect or abuse when the child is born.
SD is so adept at using people that she will more than likely try and figure a way to come visit (impose) again with her new spouse and sponge off of us....this from a woman who makes over 125k per yearand never opens her wallet. How she could marry a man with no job is just amazing to me. By the way---the new hubby has yet to call my husband and connect. Possibly it's because he had an alcoholic, absent father and has issues with male authority figures. Not my problem.
Supposedly SD is trying to get pregnant. I think she would be an absoululely horrible parent since she is a textook narcissist, but I have let go of the outcome of this as well. Now I just focus on my boundaries and do not let SD or SS jerk my chain like they still do with their Dad.
BTW the book Step Wars is very good as I purchased it a few years ago, and it did clarify some of the reasons why stepkids do these crazy things and money is probably the No. 1 reason there is conflict--they are afraid they aren't going to get their fair share of Dad's estate.
Really sad that that is their main focus.
Still haven't heard anything
Still haven't heard anything from Narcissist SD, but I am thrilled that she hopefully is concentrating on her new husband and will leave us ALONE. I get blamed by husband and he chides me sometimes for not being able to have relationship with her, but I tried for 12 years to be nice to her and I only got taken advantage of. One year she came and visited us 4 times!!! At Christmas she gave me a keychain...this is from a woman who makes 135k a year. So selfish, entitled and if you do any research on NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) there is no cure!
I hope she never comes to visit again because I can't stand the sight of her!
Dad overly praises her so I understand partially why she turned out this way. We have a very good marriage, but the 15% that we have issues with are all based on his two adult children. BTW the son is a flaming alcoholic and now drug abuser. Their Mom is supposedly now a "recovering" alocholic. I question this because if she were truly practicing a 12 step program she would have made amends...something I have yet to see. I sometimes think that I need to go and see a therapist but only when things flare up.
Today, I had the revelation that any woman of sound mind would have difficulty getting along with his grown kids!
My SD is like this too. She
My SD is like this too. She is so cheap you can't get a needle up her butt with a sledge hammer. She has a very good job, makes decent money but expected us to pay for everything whenever we visited her or she and hubby (who always orders the most expensive thing on the menu) visited us. One time when we were out to dinner we decided to wait them out. We all sat there for what seemed an eternity. Daddy finally broke down. After that, I made an agreement with DH: He would pay for dinners with his family and I would pay for dinners with mine. This Christmas will be interesting since she was banned from our house due to her behavior last Christmas. She came over, made cookies for all of her friends in my kitchen, treating me like I was invisible. I rated one cookie. And the 'gift' I recieved was a minute jar of apple sauce and an outdated bottle of sugar water from her cupboard. The Christmas before last we didn't rate as much as a phone call.
A few years ago I started to
A few years ago I started to ignore her most of the time and do not treat her as nicely like in the past. I am civil to her, but have set up very strong boundaries so now she can't pull most of the crap she used to. When she and her new boyfriend (now husband) visited I said "Where are you all taking us to dinner?" because it NEVER would have happened if I had not spoken up.
In the past when she was single we always paid for EVERYTHING! She bought me a cup of coffee once or twice in the last 12 yeasr and this was probably from a credit card that her company gave her! She makes over 135k per year and is the tightest person I have ever met. I have decided that I must sit her down the next time we have some time alone together and say "We will never get along as it is obvious that we don't like each other"
I think this is the best way to now handle this because it is true. That we both love and care for her Dad should be the focus because he doesn't need to be in our crossfire and for his sake we need to get along better. Then I will lay the ground rules for the future in case she plans on coming to visit which I know will happen because she is cheap and uses us like we operate a hotel for her.
There is no way to have a ealthy relationship with a textbook narcissist so I try and avoid her as much as possible. If I never saw her again it wouldn't be soon enough!
Just wondering if she is an
Just wondering if she is an only child like my SD? Or could my SD have a secret twin? LOL Yes, you are SO right about narcissists - there is no hope for any relationship with them. They refuse to admit they are ever wrong or partially responsible for the miscommunication (my SD), feel they deserve your worship, and you owe it to them to pay for everything. I only wish I had asked SD where she was going to take us out to dinner before she was banned from our home.
Question. I suspect my SD16
Question. I suspect my SD16 is a a narcissist too. OK my Mum who is a psychologist is sure of it. Just realised that I may have made a mistake in buying her very lovely antique earrings for Christmas. This is me unfortunately. I cannot help doing what I think I would have liked at that age. Trouble is SD16 is so much like all the descriptions above (and more) that I had the reread it all with amazement. Describes her entitled and rude behaviour. Currently in the process of punishing Daddy for his first shaky attempts at parenting and discipline. Imagine a child who has been getting $100 per week since she was 13 oh and straight after Mummy and Daddy split up. Good one Daddy. Am I enabling her by buying her nice presents when her behaviour to me does not warrant it? Too late this year because DH knows but I would love advice from those experienced with our special narcissist friends.
I doubt SD will buy anything
I doubt SD will buy anything for me for Christmas - nothing new, because isn't Christmas givng supposed to come from the heart? I could think of a few good gifts for SD like a book on manners or maybe a donation in her name to an ethnic education fund - something that would rile her. Maybe a broom with a note: "We finally bought you a car to fit your personality." Maybe a big 'smiley' pin to help her to change that constant scowl. Maybe a diet book or a book on how to be positive. OK - Sorry I got caught up in the fun.
Sorry I got so sarcastic. It
Sorry I got so sarcastic. It really isn't necessary and I am being as immature as SD. I'll try to behave myself more - promise.
please don't apologize.
please don't apologize. Actually, I would like to hire you to come up with a list of gifts for my skid #2 and his fat, nasty, lazy, gold-digging wife.
I don't like them -- just in case that didn't come across, LOL!
Why are you rewarding bad
Why are you rewarding bad behavior? The parents need to stop the 100 bonus because they are just creating a monster by rewarding her with cash.
They are teaching her that she desereves money just because she draws breath. Is this the message you would want to send your kid? Make them earn it!
Narcissists are very manipulative and use people, have NO empathy for anyone, the rarely say thank you and they have no feelings for anyone.
They never talk about how they feel they are only concerned with their image and how they present themselves to the world. They think everyone is jealous of their wonderfulness.
The world revolves around THEM. Another thing they do is find careers that elevate them above the normal person. The lowly rest of us aren't intelligent enough, etc whatever to be in their ranks. The will buy cars like a Mini Cooper or something that shows how cool they are. They work for companies like Microsoft or Apple, Amazon etc. or become professors at prestigious universities. "Enough about me...how do you like my hair?"
If I could give anyone advice in my position if you think you have a narcissist in the family then do what you can to avoid contact with them and if you have to then I would never let them see that they are getting to you and just don't pay them any kind of special attention. It is nauseating to see my husband praise her constantly, how smart she is, how many times she has been promoted in her company... blah, blah blah. I've recently had to tell him the she is not a very nice person and that I do not like her!
Oh also they are terrible gift givers! If that isn't already enough.
She does have a younger brother who has been a total f..up and is a flaming alcoholic 20 years now. Good kid/bad kid family dynamic going there! Thank goodness my husband has finallly gotten it after therapy, and several Al-Anon, Open AA meetings, so he has learned to detach from the son. He is awful too.... I could write a ton about his bad behavior towards his Dad but the daughter is more fun f... with!
These are very funny
These are very funny responses. A good laugh is wonderful medicine at this stage. Thankyou for sharing and really I should not be crashing the adult step child forum but hey my SD16 is a totally hardened and scary Lolita mini-wife so I claim honorary membership. The way she insisted Daddy be the only one that drove her to the semi-formal (friends not allowed in the car until Dad insisted) in her strapless red dress and layers and layers of make-up. Clue to NPD origins when her Mummy cancelled her music lesson because a whole day of beauty, hair and professional photography was booked for a 15 year old's semi-formal. Wow I am being a total B...h and do you know what, it is fun. What an outlet.
Unfortunately the $100 per week was done before I came along. In the court orders no less. DH decided it was a way to shave $100/week of ex's weekly hand out apparently. Think it is one of the poorest parenting decisions I have heard of. Have beaten him up for it endlessly though and need to back off now. I think it should be stopped and he should associate money as reward for tasks for a 16 year old. It is madness! What can I do?
I had a gut feel that her Christmas gift was a mistake as I walked out of the store, if I were honest. One of those crazy nice person Christmas moments of pretending the world is a good place. My weakness has been projecting good emotions onto my inherited narcissist. Why does SD16 and narcissist seem such a common link? I only met mine 2 years ago and have been thoroughly punished and worked over for my diminishing bouts of niceness. All efforts and gifts and compliments are just sucked into Vampira's void of selfishness and craziness.
SD16 gets good marks. Like edwina7's SD much is made of her dedication to study. Do you think our DHs just cling to things? Do they really put these young women up on pedestals or is it all guilt? What about real virtues like integrity, honesty, empathy, caring for people, unselfish actions, work ethic and manners. Wow I am angry aren't I? Sorry this a full on vent. Do you know that not once has DH16 said thankyou for my cooking dinner. I have a couple of university degrees which I got by working my arse off cleaning and waitressing all the way through Uni whilst doing a double degree. But in my household after al that I am just a meal provider. Maybe that is why, yes I am just going to write it, I do not like her style of entitled young woman. I raise my lovely little boy well and have had both full and part time jobs all the way with him because I had to. He is 4 and voluntarily does tasks to help out in the house. I am not kidding. He likes to take plastic bottles to the bin or put his cup in the dishwasher. Meanwhile SD16 has not once said "Thankyou for dinner" or volunteered to do a task. Oh I get it, it is because she is a narcissist. It is never going to happen. She cooked dinner once in 2 years because for once her Dad parented and we incorrectly gave her lots of praise. "You did a great job. You are a good cook etc etc." The answer, yes you guessed it. "Yes, I know."
Thankyou for freeing my inner angry person. I really appreciate it because actually I need to get control of myself soon tonight. Thankyou, thankyou. I get it the world revolves around her in her head and her parents have enabled and funded it. We are just servants and nobodies. Detachment is the only way. No guilt just even more detachment. I love you fellow evil step mothers. Thanks to you I have invested solid time is reviewing information about how to deal with and communicate with narcissists. Unfortunately the first piece of advice "distance yourself as much as possible" is not physically easy for me right now with a young son in the house. Do you want to hear scary after being jealous of an disdainful to my little boy she has now figured being nice to him creates reflected glory for herself. Praise from Daddy and attention from friends. Poor little fellow is delighted in her recent attention to him and then sad when cold shoulder is turned the moment he is not someone to show off with.
My God I am in need of this vent. PS I am sorry for your SS from above. Dragged my DH to counselling too and the light has slowly switched on. Slowly slowly slowly.
I think it's ok with letting
I think it's ok with letting her know that she did a good job with her cooking, but her dad overly praising her and letting her run over you is a huge part of the problem. Dad wants her to love him and thinks that by giving her everything she wants and never saying no to her then she will love him more! I think it is based on guilt that these fathers let their daughters (esp daughters) have whatever they want and treat them like royalty, never expecting anything in return. What kind of person do they think they are creating for theirfuture sons-in-law? This is not how the real world functions. You sound like a great gal who has worked hard and you have much to show for it so I guess that your modeling your good behavior is one way to set an example for her. I would definitely sit down with her when she is rude to you etc. and have a talk with and let her know that her behavior is unacceptable and that she is not to treat you like that. Set good strong healthy boundaries with her. When you start to feel whacko remember"Take the focus off of her and place it on yourself" because you are only able to control your life and how people treat you!
DH told me that I have should have no expectations regarding her behavior WTF??? He is so smart and perceptive in every way but with his grown kids it is a totally different story. I hate the fact that I have to ever see either of them again. I would never want him to think that I have wrecked their relationship, but I have to remind myself that this family was way dysfunctional before I married into it. They are very passive aggressive and I am from a hot Italian background and when you mess up bad, you're gonna hear about it!
After the last time she visited when I blasted her he was so mad at me!!! Well that let to a series of heated discussions so I finally had to let him know how I felt about her and I really felt a whole lot better once I did! Deep down he knows that she is rotten to the core, but hey "Blood is thicker than water," my friend.
In desperation I was looking
In desperation I was looking on the internet for a way to deal with my adult SD of 17 years. I am about to divorce my husband over this SD as he doesn't want to acknowledge how she treats me and she coddles up to him to get her way. Narcisist? You bet. She demands constant praise and adulation. The moment you stop she gets vicious.
Sadly, we recently moved down here to be closer to his family (meaning her) and it has turned out to be the WORST move I ever made. Before the move we, the SD and I seemed to get along alright, she called me Mom and was nice. Since we moved down here, well she has done a complete turn around.
The SD, and she is in her mid 40's always likes to talk about other people, their problems, etc. and how SHE is above all that. I use to put this down as, well, ignored it until I noticed a very mean streak in her. She was bragging about how she, and her boss, fixed the wagon of a technician who had given notice, because the boss was mad (yes mad) that he was resigning. She was actually gleaful about what they did! I must admit, it made me do a heads up as it was pretty darn vicious.
All of a sudden anything I say to her she is HURT by and goes crying to her father, who says I am right UNTIL she cries to him and then he takes her side. Here is one of the things she got upset at me about. We moved from WI to IN and her husband and her helped us because she wanted things that we were going to get rid of. I told her that I wasn't going to cart the stuff down and they could come and get it. Well, there was a lot of packing going on and things were put all over. I was looking for my blood pressure regulator thingy and asked if it might have been packed in one of her boxes. She went into a tear, not saying anything at the time, but going back to her home, packing her car with stuff and dropping it off in front of our door and then calling us with a nasty message.....err, make that call her FATHER with a nasty message about how I had hurt her feelings by ACCUSING her of taking my blood pressure cuff! Oh, Hubby didn't like this and said he understood my asking, and saw nothing wrong with it, but would I apologize toher to make peace. This I did. BIG MISTAKE
Then one day she calls her Father and I answer the phone. Before I could get from the phone she started mocking me: "That's right, run down the hall and tell my Father is darling Daughter is on the line." Then she says: "Oh, did YOU hear that? Sorry". She knew exactly what she was doing. I told her, without getting upset that I heard every word.
Then comes the day that she sits in my living room crying, I mean bawling, because she is scared that my daughter will get everything when we pass and she will be left out.....she just KNOWS this. her father goes out of his way to console her that is not so. I even told her that if there is something special she wants to let me know and I will see she got it. What she wants? Not the stuff, but the $$$. Now, I want to tell you that I am only in my mid 60's and in good health and my husband is 70 and is also in good health so it is not as if we are going to pass on shortly. But it does start me wondering.
Christmas was the coup de forte. She and her husband gave me....sit tight.....an old used glass ash tray!! I don't even smoke. They got it in an auction box lot, she said, and knew I just had to have it!!! Now, I have to say, the darling's father is not a big gift giver, but I try to treat both my girl and her the same. I gave her one of my family's jewelry trees, the ones made from antique jewelry with lights in it an a great antique frame. She had been hinting for it for a long time. I also gave her gloves and a bottle of her favorie perfum.
Even my Hubby said that what she gave as a gift was terrible. So, being hurt, a few days after New Year I called her and told her how badly I felt. My SD Narcisist's response? That I was terrible, she never wanted to see me again and I didn't understand just how long and hard and how much thought it took to pick out that ashtray out of the box lot!
Like the above, Daddy doesn't want to lose his daughter, but I have had enough. Oh, she sells Pampered Chef and is always at me to have a party, buy stuff etc. I am certain that I would be a great pal if I did that, but I have no need for more pots and pans.
The little narcisists demands things, takes from us, expects more and more and gives absolutely nothing in return. Hubby and I are retired and since we have been down here a year now, they have taken us out for dinner or lunch 0 times. We, on the other hand, have wined and dined them at restaurants at least once a month. When my Daughter comes down with her hubby, they take us out and insist on picking up the tab.
Anyway, I have had enough. There is a lot more. Denise EXPECTS constant adulation about what she does, how smart she is, how well she is doing, how she knows so well how to handle problems and most of all, how NORMAL she is well the rest of us have oh so many problems.
I am making a stance that we move from this area and away form the lil darling or I am leaving. I can't take it any more. Hubby admits to me that she has "problems", but when she cries to him he pushes me to apologize to her, eventhough she has insulted me, to make peace. She, in her own mind, is NEVER WRONG.
Oh, Mrs. Perfects children didn't turn out that well. Out of 3, one is a drug addict and bum, the other one only seems to get part time work. The third, who is a good kid, went into the military. My daughter completed her masters, teaches, has been married for 10 years and, like the rest of us, has her own set of problems, but doesn't think she is perfect and every one else is not. Also, she has not cried into hysterics that she is afraid we are going to short her when we die.
I am at the end of my rope.
Addition. I recently found
Addition. I recently found some fancy Easter eggs that I bought 15 years ago for myself and the two girls, but I put them in one of those places I would know where they were and they didn't show up until I was unpacking some more boxes. Her Father tells her what I have and though the little darling has no time for us, she skoots herself up her to collect her egg. I was in bed sick at the time but I have never heard a thank you or anything from her. Am I surprised? Nope. But she will be back if she thinks she can get something else from us.
Are Naracisisst's takers or is that another phobia? As I said, she thinks she is perferct, her house is perfect, her kids are perfect, SHE is the only one who is NORMAL, everyone else is a jerk and she is mean (I don't trust her).
I could never get good at
I could never get good at ignoring someone in my company, in my home, in theirs or in public. I think it is an awful way to have to live. My SD however had no problems with it for so many years each and every time she was in my prescence she made a show of "isolating" me, it was just awful. Eventually my only recourse was to, after a particulrly distressing incident, ban her from my home. 8 years of it and I can honestly say I never got used to it and I never would. Why would I accept being treated like that my entire life and why should I sink to that appalling lack of manners, I have no wish to be like my SD.
YES! I have that problem too.
YES! I have that problem too. SD's come over and start snooping around looking for stuff that was in the house when bio parents were together. Then they think they have a right to either ask for it or take it home since it was something from their childhood's home. Never mind that DH and i have been together for 20 years. Stuff that may have been around before me is treated as if SD's own it. Most of the old stuff is now gone thank goodness, but SD got soo upset when i threw out an old electric frying pan years ago because she remembered her mommy cooking breakfast on it. Sheesh. Annoying and weird.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. It was so nice to find this site. Needless to say, I am very unhappy having this narcissis around to deal with.
I did something right according to what you and others have posted. Friday, Hubby had to take the dog in for shots and, as it is on the way, suggested we stop by as he wanted to give her the family tree portrait he has been working on. Rather than go and see her, I delined saying I had some things around the house I needed to finish. Why put up with the little darlin bitching about her real mother (who can do nothing right, is a jerk, never does anything for her, etc,) but has no hesitation taking the vintage jewelry she gave her. Why bother with some one who treats me like garbage and expects me to adore them for doing so.
Hubby said, when he got back that she was crying about how she misses her Mother-in-Law, who passed away about 6 years ago. That was the only person, according to her, who ever gave her unconditional love. Boo hoo hoo. My thought? I bet the MIL tolerated her and didn't say anything - narcissist I don't believe know the difference. Oh well. She must have been having another bawling spell about how terrible I am to her, probably for not being there.
I am serious about leaving if things don't get better on this and hubby keeps taking the poor darlings side. I should not have to put up with being insulted and humiliated by this twitt. I have suggested counselling, but he won't go. I want to go go counselling myself then on this matter but he says it is a waste of money we can't afford. Guess he'll find out that a divorce is much more expensive.
Easter is coming and we bought a ham for Easter dinner. I have not even suggested that she be invited over for dinner. Not that she would come. It seems lately she is a bit leary about being around me as I am not gushing over her and telling her how wonderful she is any more.
Oh, as for class.....this is a dig and you must forgive me for it. She doesn't even know how to set a table properly. They rarely eat at the table but around the family room, but for Christmas dinner (I had Christmas eve after which we go to midnight Mass) she tried to impress me by pulling out the antique china I gave her way back before I knew what a terror she was. Anyway, she put the knife on the left side and the fork and spoon on the right! I noticed it right off (my own mother would have had a fit if I had ever done that) but I never said a word to her or my husband. She considers herself very classey and always has to have the best. She is never going to get invited to join the Junior League (which is one of her goals) doing that.
Oh, and Sat. she called wanting to borrow our lawn mower. Seems their's broke down and they haven't got around to fixing it for a few weeks. Hubby said the grass looked like a vacant lot. Thankfully he said no as he was using it. He said she got mad at him and slammed down the phone. Oh well. She needs to hire someone to come out and do it for her, not us to do it for free.
Say, maybe now that I am up front about leaving or moving, Hubby might be re-evaluating her and her narcissistic behavior?? Think there is a chance? Would be nice.
I can not Thank you all
I can not Thank you all enough. To know I am not alone. I honestly did not know what to call my step daughters behavior. Until NOW !
My breaking point was last week. She got news that she needed a c-section so she says. And, low and behold she scheduled it for 4/9/12, April 9th is the day I myself lost my daughter due to a still birth. And, even though it has been 24yrs., that day is very hard. And, to know that and schedule a c-section for that very day, then condeme me for not wanting to have to deal with anymore than just getting through the day, pissed me off. And, as far as her Dad yep, I am the bad guy, God forbid I not praise the nut case.
Almost 9 yrs. ago we had a daughter together, and it started a little while before with her antics. She first would go after my son. But, 3 months prior to my due date I was admitted with serious health problems. They did not know if I or the baby would make it. During the whole ordeal and me being an hour away from our home. I got to hear how he could not stay his daughter was afraid to go in the house alone, she is crying. Just to be clear she was a senior in HS. She doesn't want to stay at a friends, so he would leave. The day before they took her, the nurses told him he should not leave. That due to my condition it would be a spur of the moment choice to take the baby. he left because of her. And, yes I that day going through hell all alone. No he didn't make it to be with me for her delivery. He had to go pick her up and then come, because she was whinning. Two weeks I spent trying to manage my son then 8 at home, and him and the SD. The night before she could come home, he swore he'd stay. SD did not want her to come home, she wanted us to wait until after the holiday to bring her home.He sent my parents home giving us his word he would stand up to her and stay. Well,I had to have my Dad come pick me up the next day with a 3 month early baby in tow to deal with all this.
Needless to say, I feel like I have been in a living hell most of the time. Sure I manage, but this last stunt I don't think I can get past.
I know that they twist things make us think we are nuts when it's them, BUT I mean how do you get past this ? I mean every year now for my granddaughters BD, I am going to have to either dye a little more or have a huge blow up to try and keep what sanity I have left. And, my little girl that is caught in the middle of this mess. Her sister, her sister's kids, I mean i see no way out. I do not trust this girl at all. If I leave my husband how do I protect what she sees as a threat, my daughter. How do I keep her from safe ?
I am sorry for any spelling mistakes or for being all over the place. I'm just so alone in all this and there has been so much and right now it's so raw it's hard to put it out there.
I could really use the feedback as to how any of you would handle this, with the baby. Or the whole mess really. But, right now I need some feedback to help me stand my ground that I am not the one being unreasonable.
Any advise would be so helpful. Thanks !
I know where you're at with
I know where you're at with wanting to protect your kids. But no-one else but her can choose when she has her c section. You have to tell yourself she had medical advice to do it on 4/9, even if you suspect that's not true. It's the only way to deal with it. And just never get involved in any of her birthday celebrations, that can be your "you" day where the rest of the world is shut out. Start a new post and give more information, you will get a lot of responses.
Not alone
I found this forum and all of the comments a relief. I honestly thought I was alone. My husband and I own a business and my stepdaughter believes it belongs to her. She's even said so to me in front of my husband. She has said hateful things to me when he's not around but is super sweet in front of him. I broke down recently and told him some of the hateful comments she's made. So now I'm the villain. He wont do counseling. So I'm thinking the marriage will end as soon as we sell our business.
Replying in 2019
If you look above you will see a reply I made to this post from 2012. My SD was much like yours, saying the damnedest things to me when daddy wasn't around, then being sickly sweet when he entered the room. An example: One morning I was making breakfast. I told SD I had just made a fresh batch of strawberry Jam. She bent over the bar, scowled at me and spit out, "I HATE strawberry jam!" Of course, when I told DH about it he responded, "I didn't see anything."
I owed the house but SD acted as if she owned it too. Plus I was supposed to be her invisible maid and whipping post while she was visiting.
Eventually, in 2010 she had a meltdown and DH ran out the door. I gave him the choice of leaving or working on the marriage, but SD was banned from our home until he could tell her in front of me that she was to respect me as his wife. It is 2019 and he has never had the courage to do it so I haven't seen her since 2010. Now I hope he never finds the courage. It's been great not being around her sour face and attitude. But the fact that he never had the guts to tell her to respect me as his wife, and his habit of throwing me under the bus has left somewhat of a cloud over our marriage.
Disengage from SD. If there is any way to secretly record her do it and play it back for DH. His reaction will save the marriage or break it. But remember - it isn't you. You deserve DH's respect and nothing less. Think of how you want to spend the rest of your life. Give your DH just so much time to see the light then move on with or without him.
Record her toxic ass. DH can
Record her toxic ass. DH can't rationally take issue to recordings of his toxic spawn abusing his wife.
Nail her ass, and his to the wall with the facts.
Anytime SD is around, keep a microrecorder in your pocket. If she calls, record her calls. Daddy will gain clarity and start jerking a knot in the tail of his toxic adult crotch nugget as you beat him with the play list of her toxic voice.
Enjoy baring her ass and dragging DH by the short and curlies to clarity regarding his spawn.
Never mind. This is a 9yo thread. I should have checked the original date before responding.
Lesson learned. Now... can I be consistent in maintaining contact with the lesson?
Your not alone
I have been dealing with 35 year old Narcissitic SD for 15 years. My husband is much to afraid of her and her taking away the crumbs she toss him, to stand up to her. I am always the villain. I finally stood up for myself 6 months ago or so. She has now really stepped up her games.
She is now super sweet to her Dad. He is back in mini-wife heaven. I can now see that he is as sick as she is. He created this mess, and created his daughter to the evil, manipulator she is. The pattern here with all of this is that they make you out to be the bad guy. These fathers of these daughters can't live with the fact that they created these evil evil human beings. So they bury their heads in the sand. It really is sick.
I asked my husband exactly what I did that he feels gives his daughter the right to abuse me. He has no answer. He wants me fixed so that it will no longer bother me and she can go on abusing me and they can have their mini wife marriage.
I am not the one who needs fixing. I now realize that after 15 years of tearing myself apart. No one but no one has the right to abuse someone just because they married the abusers father. After reading many articles about emotional incest. It is 100 right on in this cases. These me substiture their martial emotional relation with their daughters. The daughter end up thinking the father is their property. They also feel their fathers are cheating on them with another woman.(you).
It doesn't matter if the mini wife gets married she still feels that her father is her property and has no right to cheat on her.
Really really sick on both father and daughters part.
I usually ignore really old
I usually ignore really old posts - but this one caught my attention. Especially the posts from she she’s driving me crazy in my retirement. The Twitster only got worse.
I do not have a sd - but the best thing I ever did was to ban my SS from my life 100%.