Accepting Where I Stand
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Well, after nine years of marriage, I am again reminded of where I really stand in my marriage and with my DH. SD, 35, was talking with DH on the phone last week and she told him that I act like I hate her. His response to me was "I want a divorce if she doesn't feel welcome here". Wow - once again, exactly what I thought would happen and a confirmation of how I thought he really felt about me and our marriage. I know what I should do, even though it breaks my heart, but need time to get my things in order. It's really hard to accept, but I know I must. Comments?
I am sorry. That is
:jawdrop:
I am sorry. That is terrible. I could see that stance if the kid was under 17-17. But not a 35 year old that does not live with you. WOW.
I hope you get it together soon. That is an awful way to live.
I think it's unacceptable at
I think it's unacceptable at 17 MONTHS never mind 17 YEARS or in this case 35 years. SD needs to grow up and put her big girl panties on. She should have NO say so in her father's personal life. Period. She is his child and forever it stays that way.
Your DH is the problem. Sounds like SD has had "adult spousal status" for a very long time; probably since she was THREE.
Disgusting.
Wow - Auteur - she needs to
Wow - Auteur - she needs to put her big girl panties on were exactly the words that I told him when he told me the situraion. You're right she SHOULDN'T have any say, but boy does she.
As far as the adult spousal status, I have been reading up on this and stepfamilies dynamics all around. You are exactly right, I confronted him and told him that I thought that was the problem. Funny thing was, he agreed with me and said he had let her have this place is his life (spousal status) all those years because he was single from the time she was 7 until up in her 20s. Sad thing is, she also has that position in is heart, and I don't see it changing. Just heartbreaking.
Agreeing is one thing. .
Agreeing is one thing. . .DOING something about it is entirely another.
Sometimes, in more lucid moments, GG will agree with me that his kids are being raised up WRONG. Yet he will NEVER confront the Behemoth or stand up for his own parental rights. It's just easier to let the Behemoth and skids have their way and then take his misplaced anger out on me.
"I could see through her
"I could see through her games and bullsh*t"
And there is the Pivotal statement in all this.
These manipulative brats from a very early age know that we SMs can see through their crap.
And of course daddykins puts on his blinders to it all.
:sick:
Well, I'm wife number two.
Well, I'm wife number two. The sad thing with my situation is he was divorced for 18 years, from the time his "girls" were 7 and 5. So, they had him to themselves their whole lives basically, until they were in their 20s and I came along. They are now in their 30s and things haven't gotten better, only worse. I'm heartbroken, just trying to accept the situation. Have been trying to fix it - I just can't fix by myself and the truth is, they all like it just the way it is. He said he had a perfect life before me. Has only stood up for me one time in the entire marriage, and this was with the younger SD, the oldest is the problem - NEVER with her.
We will go through times when
We will go through times when I feel fairly good about our relationship and then something like this will happen. I guess I keep thinking if I love him enough, he will finally love me back like his wife. But I'm really tired of trying. I never really can completely trust him, because I don't trust her, therefore I can't trust him with her. One time I found a husband's only will form and two power of attorney forms, unsigned, she had given him and told him he needed to fill out. He won't stand up to her. I think he's really scared of losing her, much more of losing her than losing me. I will never enjoy being around her, can't trust her and I know how she feels about me. Very manipulative and dishonest, critical of others. She's very good at initially coming across as a different type of person, but it doesn't take most people long to see her true colors.
He says I act different around her, get real quite or sometimes just leave the room. Those are the reasons he says she feels like I hate her. I have also never told her that she's not welcome here, just the opposite. I have told her numerous times that she is welcome here. I also told him when this first happened the same thing you said, she may never FEEL welcome here.
She lives about 100 miles away, so we don't have to deal with it every day. But it's always a strain.
I mentioned this to the younger SD and she said that alot of what I receive from oldest SD is really anger towards the Mom (who they all just act like they adore). When I told DH this, he just got mad. Such denial on all their parts. Youngest SD also told me to watch Pink's Family Portrait video and I would understand more - wow - anyone seen it? Then she told me oldest SD had just never accepted the reality of their parents divorce - 30 years later!
DH told me - we can still work this out, I want you all to talk. So I texted her - no response. Fighting a losing battle.
FaithL, I found that once I
FaithL, I found that once I quit allowing DH and SD to put me on the defensive things changed. Ask if DH and SD ever made YOU feel welcome as part of their family. Why did you start getting real quiet or leaving the room? In other words, who started this mess? You should not have to keep defending yourself being so outnumbered. For 20 years I put up with the old "SD feels uncomfortable here and it's your fault." For years I wondered what in the heck I had done. When DH was not around SD and her husband would play immature games, being nasty and abusive, then turning into an absolute sweetheart when DH would appear. Just before Christmas she and her husband became so abusive, then reamed me over the coals for making them feel "uncomfortable" while DH ran out the door and pushed me away saying he didn't want to be in the middle. It upset me so much I called friends, found this site on the Internet and read the book 'Stepmonster' (gave it to DH to read). Suddenly I was hit with a good healthy dose of reality - it isn't ME!!! When I told DH to call SD he replied, "I'll find out what you did wrong to make them so uncomfortable." I answered, "No, THEY make ME uncomfortable in my house. You can tell them they are not returning until they can behave like adults." When he read a post Rags wrote, about the marriage being the primary focus, DH agreed but added, "Yes, you and SD are 'equals'. I reminded him, "No, we are NOT equals." I don't want to bore you with the details, but the top and tail of this is that I finally reached the point where I realized that I was no longer willing to sacrifice my human dignity for a marriage where I was placed so low on the totem pole. Is it really worth it to stay unhappy? DH has made a lot of changes in his attitude – he had to. You have to make a decision – good luck.
I read Wednesday Martin's
I read Wednesday Martin's blog and have really been helped by her insight into these situations. I have really been wanting to read the book, but haven't gotten it yet. I am at the point you said that you were, where it's really not worth it anymore. I don't think he will ever have the courage to see it for what it is. Well, I think maybe he really does see it,he just wants to pretend he doesn't. It' so frustrating when even the youngest SD can see it and makes comments to me like "SD just plays Daddy" and another family member on his side told me "SD acts like DH is her boyfriend". But when you mention these, he just gets angry.
So far it appears DH chose to
So far it appears DH chose to respect my feelings rather than go through the cost of a divorce. But he knows I am not playing the game anymore. He can BE angry if he wants to - it's his choice.
They should be welcome on the
They should be welcome on the condition that they can behave like human beings and not returning royalty or chimps on crack.
You hit the nail on the head
You hit the nail on the head - they are terrified of their daughters and it is truly pathetic.
"I do not have the POWER to
"I do not have the POWER to make your daughter feel ANYTHING. Whatever she feels is of her own doing. Thank you for thinking I am that powerful. AND if you think so little of our relationship as to toss the "D" word around like that, you'd BEST get to packing. I'm sure your daughter will WELCOME you living with HER!"
Have to think of my son, put
Have to think of my son, put planning.
All of these SD's think they
All of these SD's think they have so much power because their father's GIVE it to them! No one can control you unless you LET them control you! Do these SD's realize that, if they run off the wives/girlfriends of their fathers, that THEY will be changing their father's diapers when they are older!?
In our case, SD only wants a relationship with DH when SHE wants one. She's only nice when she wants something. She loves to have the ball in her court all of the time. SS26 isn't much better. Neither have an ounce of respect for themselves, much less anyone else.
And, yes, SD gave me a good run for it right from the start, but I handed it back to her on a platter. Apparently, no one had ever given her a taste of her own medicine before. With me, she had met her match, and I wasn't backing down or kissing her butt. She didn't like it one little bit--still doesn't.
I gotta say, though, that DH has RESPECT for me because of this. I don't back down and I stand my ground. I think he needed to see this so he knew what to do with her.
Never ever let them win!
If she doesn't feel welcome,
If she doesn't feel welcome, that's her problem. And your DH should be ashamed of himself for throwing around the D word. That's really helping the situation. Doesn't he realize that SD is manipulating him? I can't understand how grown men are so clueless when it comes to their daughters. His defense should have been in your honor . .not come back and threaten to end the marriage. I too would start planning.
My DH pulled that same BS . . . "SD (27) feels that you don't like her." The only difference is that she lives with us. Now this is on top of her causing conflict in the marriage. I told him, "oh really, well let's see .. here are all the crummy things she's done to me. Would you like my son if he pulled that?" DH looked silly and shook his head. I also told him not to ever mention anything she had to say about me again. . . because it was negative and was causing more conflict. He'd gotten to the point of using that line whenever I got in his behind about her.
Finally, I told him she needed to keep my name out of her mouth, focus on living her own life, and minding her own business. She has yet to pull another foolish stunt, and if she has DH knows better than to mention it to me.
FaithL, those are pretty much
FaithL, those are pretty much the exact words my DH has said to me. I am currently trying to figure out my future as well as how interested I am in continuing this pseudo relationship. I'm sorry for you, I know it's painful.