Facebook BM Issue

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I would like to vent about something that happened to me this weekend. DH, along with others in the family, went in together and got my elderly MIL a computer for Christmas. She has never had one and doesn't even know how to turn it on, but we have been working with her. My BIL and SIL set up her a facebook page. They had been showing it to her - asking different ones to be her friends, etc. We were eating lunch at her house yesterday and she asked me to show it to her and read what anyone had sent her, etc. So I pulled it up, and it said BM and BM's sister have accepted your friend request. Also, a message from BM telling her how she looked forward to talking with her and how much she loved her. WTH? DH and her have been divorced for 30 years and MIL hadn't even asked me to be her "friend". I know this sound so childish, but wow. Been trying to discreetly figure out who initiated this, she doensn't know how to use this nor does DH. Had to have been BIL or SIL or adult SD (who despises me) and constantly tries to passive agressively make sure I know my place. Comments? or any suggestions on how you would handle this? Always thought she and I had a good relationship - this one really got me wondering about all of them? Know it wasn't DH - believe me he doesn't know how to use Facebook. BIL and SIL are "friends" with her, but I believe she asked them and they politely accepted. Lots of history with this woman - cheated on my DH multiple times while they were married and still at it - still trys to act likes she's a part of the family and has some say so - most of that I put a stop to after a year of so of our marriage. Really hurt my husband for many years, so very surprising this "popped" up for me to read to her when she asked me to. I can see someone in the family accepting someone not to offend, but asking her? Don't really know what to think.

FB can be such a dang turd

FB can be such a dang turd stirrer... I would just let it go... it obviously means nothing to your MIL, she will never respond to BM, she will never message BM, they aren't really "friends" so don't let BM win by letting on that you give two hoots. I got pissy when one of my DH's Aunts (who I like and we have a good relationship) was all of the sudden FB "friends" with nasty BM. I thought about how I was going to de-friend her, how dare she, what a traitor etc. And then I was like "who cares?" and then I also remembered that I am FB friends with my ExH mother. She was my MIL for 10 years, we had a great relationship and SHE actually sent ME the friend request. This may very well burn ExH, ExH new flavor of the month, or who knows who else.. but whatever.. it is what it is.

i need someone to give me a

i need someone to give me a dollar for everytime one of us has a fb issue with being a step.i'd have enough to pay next months mortgage:)
facebook is satan in computer form }:)

Exactly what my husband says

Exactly what my husband says - Facebook is from the devil. I guess what bothered me was the request came from "her" - not really her, but someone who was signed in as "her". Not sure who, and that really bothers me - don't know who I can trust.

A request to me from "MIL"

A request to me from "MIL" didn't come until a couple of days after I saw she had requested BM and BM's sister. That was one of the things that really stung. As soon as I saw the request on my Blackberry I started texting around, trying to figure out who was "running" her page for her. Found out that day it was my niece who was visiting her that I am close with. I did tell her why I was asking and she was really surprised like I was. I thought about declining, but then I thought now I AM the DIL, whether some would like to accept that or not. This all happened probably two months after I saw BM had added my SIL (DH's brother's wife) on her family tree as her SIL - wth? SIL and BIL weren't even married when she was married to DH. They have ocassionally seen each other at sporting events, parties, etc. They were never SILs.

When I deleated a bunch of

When I deleated a bunch of people from my fb and they complained or questioned me i just lied and said i got hacked.it worked and they didn't hassle me to re-add them either

I bet you it was the SD too!

I bet you it was the SD too! I would just ask MIL who send out the friend request from her FB account. Obviously it wasn't her. One of the worst by products of these silly games these passive aggressive chicks play is that it does make you question everyone. Who can you trust? There is no reason on this earth BM should be a friend on your MIL’s facebook and if BM had any sense of propriety (which clearly she doesn’t) she would have declined the request. I agree it’s the work of nosey parkers meddling in other people’s private lives where they have no business.

BM is divorced and is no longer part of DH’s family, like it or not. Her choice. The kids are part of the family, but she isn’t. They can continue to act as though she is, and in the process of attempting to “bug” you, the person they are completely betraying is your DH. I don’t understand how these women don’t get that part. What, do they think men are mindless automatons with no feelings at all? So a woman who treated her ex like garbage gets to remain part of HIS birth family; How profoundly cruel.

Ha ha and now BM is even trying to pretend she is a SIL? What a dolt!

You might want to give your MIL some computer lessons and explain to her the vastness of Facebook and that it isn’t just a private and convenient way to share information.

Love your quote from

Love your quote from Stepmonster - that is my life in a nutshell. Haven't read the book, but have read several excerpts from it and try to follow her blog. I can see you probably deal with the same type issues I have. Just a little history - BM had at least 6 affairs that he found out about, who knows how many really. He was very depressed and had a very hard time for years - and someone in the family wants to be "friends" and initiates it? But SDs (34 and 32 now) have for years tried to keep the image of "their" family together. He was divorced for 18 years, from the time they were 5 and 7 until we married 9 years ago - he and BM were married 8. But even so, the oldest makes sure I don't hold the same honor as one with a child by DH. Hardest thing I've ever dealt with. Better now than it has been with DH - it took him YEARS to see. No telling how many they managed to run off in those 18 years. DH even told me that OSD wouldn't let him hold other children or babies as she was growing up - it would upset her - very jealous. WOW - have on my own read alot about emotional incest and situations like ours and understand it alot better. Still hard to deal with at times. He agrees he let her be surrogate wife in an emotional sense during those years. Very hard situation to deal with (for everyone I'm sure). So when I saw BM and BM's sister "accepted" MIL's friend request really surprised me.

Facebook CAN cause a lot of

Facebook CAN cause a lot of problems, I admit. But I'm friends with several of my XH family. We were married for 21 years and I enjoy the pictures of their families. If it bothered my ex, I would defriend them. My DH's family are friends with his 1st wife and it doesn't bother me at all. She still knows them alot better than I do. Besides, I defriended all of his family to avoid all the drama. There are a few I really like, but it's not worth it.
If I were you, I would go in and defriend them and not say a word.

I know how you feel and I

I know how you feel and I agree that facebook is very troublesome.. We can all agree though that that disgusting flutter in our stomach would appear when we saw that bm was on the friend request list.. I have people on my page who are mutual friends with bm cause like almost every bm out there, they CAN'T accept the fact that they are no longer in our man's life, or connected to his life in some form. They will always feel that they were there first. I'd let this one slide off your shoulders, don't let it consume your thoughts

Do MIL and BM have a

Do MIL and BM have a relationship normally? If so, does it really matter who added whom? I mean, this is presumably the kids grandmother, right?

Either way, there's no real way to know who added whom. And, if could have just been a friend suggestion by FB anyone which either one of them initaited at FB's prompting, which to me is close to the equivalent of being asked.

Also, you said MIL isn't that savvy, so it may not be an intentional slight, like you seem to feel.

My MIL told BM that she could call her anytime and blah, blah, blah. At first it hurt because MIL and I are so close and BM and her had never even met (BM is from a one-night stand), but then I realized that MIL is the kids grandmother and I can understand having friendly (more or less) conversation with the BM.

Facebook is evil when it comes to BMs!

No, they normally don't have

No, they normally don't have any type of relationship. I know that MIL asked BM and BM's sister, because she asked me to pull up her facebook and read them to her, she doesn't even know how to open it. Your right, she is the kid's grandmother and was already friends with them. I don't think it was an intentional slight by her, but it was by someone in the family. I've always been civil and friendly to her when we have to be around one another, but would not consider her my "friend" in any shape or form or my MIL's for that matter. You would have to know her and it would take all day to explain that. One word - narcassist.

My profile is set to the

My profile is set to the same. I feel the same way you do, it would be different if they just couldn't get along. But she was a serial cheater, and still is. Caused him years of heartache and depression. It upset my husband too, he said she wants to go around and act likes she friends with everyone and like she never did anything wrong. She really has some issues. That's the reason I guess I was so taken back. The SDs don't like to think about how she really is, but they really know.

I delete her as your mil

I delete her as your mil friend then when some one asks about it then you know who requested her as your mil friend.

facebook is the first word

facebook is the first word that is the problem (fixing to delete mine) my sil is friends with both my dh's ex wive's he and i are both thinking about deleting the sil that is accepting these requests on facebook, merely cause we don't want the ex's to be able to read our posts, i honestly could care less if the ex's are like sister's to his siblings the point is i want nothing to do with it. and anyone who has anything to do with it will not have anything to do with me!

you can't control who they friend on facebook, just accept it and move on. Just because your dh and them are divorced don't mean that the family doesn't still have a relationship with her. My ex's family still calls me family (in their mind once family, always family) it kills the smom in my situation, but i really dont care i'm not "close" to any of them, but there when something major happens like a funeral or sick relative (they are good ppl and i know them so i pay my respects and am there for my dd, smom can get over it)

Ha ha...do this...log in and

Ha ha...do this...log in and delete and block them...When mil goes to look for them she won't be able to find them because they won't show up. She won't know how to unblock them.

You don't know how long it will take her to figure out they aren't friends anymore, so hahahhaha!

Deny, deny, deny...

FB caused scene with us too....BM adding people. Now I have blocked her and can't see her anymore. I wish that would work in REAL life!!!

This is exactly why I hate FB

This is exactly why I hate FB (yet I still have a page. go figure). I have my profile on as super private as possible and I STILL have issues. I was recently told by my ss that bm set up a profile for their dog in an effort to spy on me an SO. I had to block a dog's page (really!). also, the same bm has contacted the people on my friends list in the past saying all this hateful crap (before I set it to private). So because of this sneaky wench I have had to delete most of the people on my list, and I've also had to make it damn near impossible to even find me if you wanted to.

Alright. Question? IF you are

Alright. Question?

IF you are "friends" with someone on facebook, is it possible that even though you are "friends" that they can block you from seeing their comments/ wall?

Anybody know?

YES, you go to privacy

YES, you go to privacy settings and add their names to a HIDE MY POSTS FROM list. Then they are still your friends but are unable to see your WALL.

OMG- THAT is why BM's wall

OMG- THAT is why BM's wall has looked vacant since Christmas- she must have caught on to my "profile." Uh-Oh deleting it would look obvious though, don't you think?

You can also prevent a

You can also prevent a specific "friend" from posting comments on your wall or pictures. I had to do that to my bs after discovering that his bf was going on his profile and posting things on my page under our bs's name. (who the hell DOES that!!)

I actually just deleted my

I actually just deleted my Facebook yesterday. My DH had the nerve to tell me that the drama between his family and I are all FB related. So I just decided that I want no connection to anyone in his family and deleted the whole damn thing.

I still can see more on my

I still can see more on my fake one than my real one? It is odd. After she proudly badmouthed me on facebook and announced her new fiance, her page was like never wrote on after that? It does not look like it, at least? She normally lies on it every few days about us then not a peep? :? for almost an entire month?

I honestly believe that if

I honestly believe that if you want to keep your sanity, then you should just delete any ties to BM on your facebook.

We had it for proof of

We had it for proof of badmouthing- several contempt charges. I think we have enough anyway.

This could have easily

This could have easily happened in my own situation and I do understand your upset. I don't think I would help MIL with her FaceBook acct anymore and just try to ignore what SIL or BIL might be trying to create here, it's really not worth your time and energy.

Years, we are talking 10 years, my inlaws ran down my husband's ex telling me what a horrid person she was etc. It was obvious to me that she was not liked by anyone in the family, not one of them said one nice word about her. When the oldest boy graduated bio mom came for the graduation and all the inlaws greated the ex like she was a long lost friend with lots of hugs and "it is so good to see you." You can imagine my shock as this was just the opposite of the words out of their mouths. I realized then what hypocrits my inlaws were and that was one of my first steps back from them.

If it is your SIL and BIL that has encouaged this I too would be upset, however, it is possible that ex contacted MIL first instead.

FaceBook is creating alot of trouble with family, friends, exes.....I have had my share of trouble with FaceBook and even posted here about it. It's too much info put out for anyone to twist into something it is not. I have been so tempted to close my account but instead took all my family off, all my inlaws off and took a bunch of old classmates (I graduated 30 years ago and I was getting friend invites from people who attended the school that i didn't really know). Talk about a a war that set off. I got a nasty email from one of my husband's cousins who I do not think I have ever had a conversation with, saying I offended her and her sister, they are in their late 20's early 30's. I think FaceBook is more trouble than it is worth.

Funny I should find this

Funny I should find this board today, and happen upon this posting. I had an "interesting" moment on FB with BM this weekend, it really has me sort of tweaked.

My soon-to-be hubby and I renovating a kitchen which hasn't been remodeled since 1978 (complete with gold linoleum...ughhh) We both have been posting photos on FB since we have a lot of my family that is not local, and we use FB to keep up with each other - one of the many blessings of FB. I should also add that both SDs (21 and 24) and BM are on my FB page, mostly to share photos of the new SGD.

So I found it odd when a post of BM's popped up on my news feed blabbing on about how last week's snowstorm was NOT the fault of southerners or non-english speaking drivers in the DC area, and that people who think this should shut the hell up. (please note she was stuck on the highway for six hours because she was stupid enough to go to a hair appt during an ice storm - yes, we're dealing with a true rocket scientist here.) I quickly went back to a post and subsequent thread I had on my page, and my instincts were right. Her comment was directed AT ME and her words were taken nearly verbatim from MY conversation with friends that had been posted. This told me two things...first of all she was probably checking my FB page regularly - and doing so to see what was going on with the kitchen renovation (we were told by bratty 24 y/o SD over the holidays that it was WRONG that we were renovating the kitchen, and that HER mother had BEGGED her dad to renovate it and he would not. I wanted to tell her that it was probably because BM a) refused to get a job, and b) had been having an affair with her brother's best friend for 17 of the 26 years her parents were married.) I was good though. I kept my mouth shut. No doubt she ran straight to BM to let her know that I was getting my dream kitchen. ;o)

Anyway, I digress. After reading her post on FB, and NOT being able to resist the urge, I posted on my wall "NEWS FLASH - there is an ICE STORM predicted for Tuesday. Here's a tip, NO ONE can drive in ice, so STAY HOME. Now, back to our regularly scheduled kitchen renovation." I assume she read it, because today I found she had blocked me from reading her wall. I responded in kind and did the same. I also blocked loudmouth SD and her hubby. Now none of us have to worry about overstepping or misconstruing anything on FB.

FB can be your best friend, or your worst enemy. If you don't want someone reading your posts, go into your privacy settings, and customize it so they cannot read your wall. That way, you do not have to go thru the pain of "unfriending" or "blocking" them, but they won't be privy to every conversation you have with others. My two cents. Let me know your thoughts.

by the way, i'm so happy I found steptalk.org. I've read so many posts of women going through the same crap as me. Suddenly I no longer feel isolated.