There are no SP boundaries. You are your DH's equity life partner and the two of you are equity parents to any kids in your home regardless of kid biology. BM gets no say in shit for anything in your home or regarding how you and your DH chose to partner and parent. So, instead of tolerating her toxic crap start barring her idiot ass with the facts of her crap constantly and as publically as neccessary to get her crawl back under her slime covered rock at the shallow and polluted end of the kid's gene pool.

My SS-25's SpermIdiot and SpermGrandHag pulled some of this same kind of manipulative crap. We never tolerated it. We shredded them any time they crawled out of their genetic cesspool and they learned to avoid conflict because they knew we would bring the pain and stop at nothing to get them to stop their crap. They learned this by having their crap bared in their community, their church and their jobs.

Kids are smart. They know who their REAL parents are and REAL parenting has absolutely nothing to do with biology. My son asked me to adopt him when he was 22. I entered the picture when he was 15mos old. His mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo. No matter the crap the SpermClan pulled he knew who his dad was. So much so that when he became an adult he chose me and our family name because his SpermClan could do shit for nothing about it. It was a great day. Let me tell ya.

So, keep being the REAL mom, shred BM when she steps out of line, and your daughter will know the facts. As I said. Kids are smart.

I agree with Rags advice. Also, I would remind you that people usually take very little account of others badmouthing someone to them. I know my thought when people do this is "sad b1tch, get a life". The only person she is making look bad, is herself. Don't even deign to address the things she says, it's beneath you.

You are obviously a community minded person who steps up and does things that maybe others can't be bothered to - good for you - we need more such people. Some sniping from a mean spirited BM, is of less interest to you than a mosquito bite.

When I first started my relationship with SO, about 3 1/2 years ago, BM bad-mouthed me a lot. She taught her daughter all her skills in that department, unfortunately. She told her teen daughter that I looked pregnant (a little belly - and she is about 200lbs herself, not sure where that came from) and that I had no chin and no eyebrows (wtf?).

During some really rough times, when Winona SD18 (then 15-16) was treating me badly and arguing with me about letting the animals on the furniture, and telling me things like "just so you know I was here first". She would then lie to her sister and mother about the aweful things she said to me and then BM would text negative things to my SO "how could you be with someone like her? IS this the person you want to share your life with? What about the children we created together? She a horrible person, and you want to spend your life with her?" And on.

But I wasn't the only one she would trash mouth. She used to go to SO's family functions and bad mouth him to his own family. And to her friends. He was perceived to be the most horrible person on the planet, until people got wise.

Trash mouthing you to the community, well eventually people catch on, and stop listening. People will respect you for what you do to help, and the proof is in what your actions are, not what her words are.

As Rags has mentioned, the step-parent boundaries are that you should be respected and honored, not that you should limit the ways in which you help out.

OK, I will take the risk of being chewed out. Here it goes.

Your over kill with this. Your everywhere. Where the heck is your husband, you know the childs bio dad. Different if HE was at school and if HE was helping at activities.

This would be more palatable if dad was doing all of this for his daughter and his scheduled changed so YOU stepped in 2 days a week to cover and help out dad.

You should back off. You are way out of bounds.

stepparent boundaries - in my opinion - are not to hurt, belittle or demean stepkid - not to actively get in the way of their growing up to be strong idependent adults or to try to sow fraction and discontent between the kid and either the stepparent's partner or the other bio parent. There you go - boundaries.

Helping out?? FFS - you're doing them a favour. There's no boundary in helping your partner's kids get ahead in life. Ignore BM. 

BM used to s**8 talk about me too. None of which was true, and all while I was holding my tongue to not tell the truth. She just liked the attention and image. What I finally realized, is these girls were falling further and further behind and by the wayside. So I finally said f*** it and I'm actively the one actually acting like a mother. She's rarely around.

SImilarly, if that's what you're comfortable with. Ignore her backlash. She shouldn't be s*** talking you, but you can't control that. Just do what you think the kid needs. You're doing her and your DH a favor. If you ever are sick of it though... Have your DH do it. She can't b**** then. LOL

There you go, expected to do the work, but never garnish any thanks nor respect.  “Apparently BM is throwing a hissy fit because I'm ‘overstepping my boundaries,’ so she basically wants me to do the day to day discipline, behind the scene parenting but I'm not allowed to go to any public functions cause i make her look bad.”

And, THEN, the stepkids become older and like any kid, mimic mom, so they wind up becoming mom’s proxy—fighting her alleged battles for her with SM.  That is why: Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell.  THAT and society’s belief that all SMs are inherently somehow evil, are the main reasons why the negative issues with stepchildren and step-parents exist. 

Unless they are truly the stepkids from hell or the SP from hell to begin with, how well they get along has less to do with them and more to do with bio-mom and bio-dad.  If BM thinks she has the right to control everything that goes on in her husband’s household, that he happens to share with his new wife, the relationship between SM and SK will be strained at best, and if DH forgets who his current wife is or loves to play victim/ patsy dad, then the relationship between SM and SK will be hell +.

That is why I always say as SM you have to do what works for you, because no matter what you do, there will be someone there every time blaming you or saying you aren’t doing it right.  Do what works for you.  Let the bios duke it out, lest you become their sacrificial scapegoat.  Their divorce = their issue. 

You, on the other hand, are married to a man who is supposed to be your husband, and your household is to be ran the way your husband and you chose to run it.  Mom and dad are parents, equal parents.  This means mom gets to set the rules for her home with her new man and dad gets to set the rules for his home with his new woman.  Even if dad has a new woman and mom doesn't, If doesn’t mean that BM gets to belly-ache about everything dad and his wife (SM) does, and continue it to the point that when the SKs grow up, they more or less wind up being controlling, demanding, accusatory, ungrateful mini BMs, with their talons all set and ready for both SM and bio-dad.

I caved and gave bm what she wanted. I to did everything I could for the skids and it wasnt appriecated so backed off and gave up.

I am doing the same thing now too and they will need to be gone by year's end if things don't improve. BM now shares bed with 14 yo SD in the guest room and I am completely ignored by the three of them (also a SS, both are teens). I have done everything I have been asked to do to support them financially over the past four years (BM is unemployed) and then some, and it is not appreciated, respected or valued. Biggest mistake I ever made was to get involved with this woman and her kids. I can see nothing but hatred for me in her eyes. I do not know what I did to deserve any of this. My sadness, frustration and depression are profound. To top it off, I am also unemployed again for the past four months desperately trying to find another gig.