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Step-parents right to be at pick-up/drop-off.

Susanna's picture

I am sometimes asked to drop my SS off at his Mother's and this has occured without event. Meanwhile my husband's second ex is petitioning the courts to have me court ordered not to be in the car for drop offs.

My husband drives two hours each way and if I am exluded I miss out on 8 hours worth of family time every other week. In the court papers, she claims that I am "interfering" with the drop offs. Ex Wife is prone to calling the police if anything isn't done her way and making up allegations. She has threatened me, insulted me and gotten psychical with me. She has tried to get my husband arrested for being ten minutes late.

There were no facts provided to substantiate the claims that I am interfering. I stay in the car. The only time there is conflict is when she walks over to my car and starts sticking her head inside our car.

The lawyer says she has no right to say who rides in the car with my husband. My husband wants to fight this issue out in court. Part of the concern is that; Today it's the car I can't be in. What will it be next time? My home? Where does it end?

Everyone has a different opinion on how I should handle this and I am really getting fed up. I am the step-mother to those children. If I am good enough to cook and clean and drive them around, I feel I should be good enough to ride in the car that, incidently, I paid for.

// Susanna

Anonymous's picture

Unless you are ordered by the court or restraining order I would go along. BM is just trying to control things and I wouldn't allow it if I were you. You give into her on this and she'll have the upper hand and continue to do this with other things in the future.

I would go along for the ride, stay in the car and completely ignore her. Focus on family and pretend like she isn't even there. If she talks--I wouldn't bother to answer as she may just try to pull you into an arguement. If anything needs saying let your Husband do the talking.

Who do these women think they are?

Anonymous's picture

Who do these women think they are? We are the ones that gave birth and raised those children that you now get the privilage to mother when that help was not asked for. I understand that every situation is different, but again, i did not ask you to cook clean or do anything for my children, so please do not come back that you are entitled to anything from me. You want acknowledgement, go to the childrens father. It is his place not yours.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

just because a woman gives birth, it doesn't mean that she is a wonderful mother and is doing a great job of raising her children.
Maybe the help isn't asked for because maybe it is court ordered that the father has residential custody of the children because of things mother isn't doing for their children.
A good step parent is only helping/doing the cooking and the cleaning to benefit the CHILDREN!

Dawn

sweetthing's picture

That's very interesting point of view. I sense some real hostility here too. Are you a BM & a SM or one or the other?
Yes, BM gave birth to that child but the ex husband helped create & raise that child in most cases up to the point that the marriage terminated. Yes there are many men that are dead beat dads & many women that are unfit mothers. In my case my DH is a devoted dad & BM is a very devoted mother as well. They just are not good together.

So here's the deal I don't think that my BM or other BMs would appreciate it if their exhusbands wives or GFs ignored their children when they were at their house, let them go hungry and wear filthy clothes. My DH cooked & cleaned & did his childrens laundry before I married him, but we are a team now. Lets face it, I am a better cook than DH, I prefer a cleaner house and wake up earlier on Saturday & Sunday than he. If I told those kids they needed to wait & eat when daddy got up or better yet ate infront of them I would be a real bitch... someone totally selfish and that is not me or the other woman who have gathered here to support each other. Dragging my exhausted DH out of bed to feed them when I am up is selfish as well.

My DH does appreciate everything I do out of love for him & his children. So do the kids..as much as little boys do. I know my BM rarely says thank you for the things I do, or the fact I know she is their mother & I am the stepmother..but some things are unspoken.

People in general rarely point out the good & tend to point out the negative.

You may not have asked your childrens stepmother to care for your children & help your ex keep them happy & safe while they are away from you, but be glad that there is someone who does that for them because your children are not a privlidge but a gift for both parents and for the other people in their lives who love & care for them.

stamina's picture

That step parents are a gift. Ugghhh... Kids don't ask for the gift of a step parent...they ask for parents who both love them. I don't believe that I am a gift in the life of my sks or that my husband couldn't have cared for them just as well on his own. Yes....we all have to get on with our lives when a marriage fails but let's not be too self righteous about how much we love our sks and that biomoms should be thankful to the stepmoms. Please....I don't expect my husband's ex to be grateful to me. I am tolerant because of the feelings that I have for my spouse and I hear a lot of tolerance in a lot of posts. That is normal but most of us hardly warrant badges of honour or any such thing. If it weren't for the men that we are with, how many of us would have chosen to have sks?!

Milomom's picture

Sweetthing said that the CHILDREN are a gift, not the step parent. I think you should re-read her post.

Oh, nevermind - I didn't even notice that I'm replying to a post from 2007

Greenfig's picture

".I don't expect my husband's ex to be grateful to me. I am tolerant because of the feelings that I have for my spouse and I hear a lot of tolerance in a lot of posts. That is normal but most of us hardly warrant badges of honour or any such thing. If it weren't for the men that we are with, how many of us would have chosen to have sks?!

So true. It has always made me so uncomfortable to talk about my relationship with the skid in terms of love. I feel the same way about that as the word forgiving and closure. So over-used for everything. There is so much pressure to compartmentalize feelings. Boundaries are important, but simplification of feelings is not.

In the other hand I like the word tolerance because tolerance indicates choice. It also suggest ongoing work that requires open mind. Tolerance does not say, should, would; it IS.

luvmydh's picture

I'm new here, but when I chose my husband, I chose him....and his kids. I mean when we really think about it, I chose them even more than I chose my own. I knew them, their personalities, their needs, and still CHOSE to be their step-mother. I am also a bm, and my husband feels the same way about my kids. He CHOSE us. feelings like "If it weren't for the men that we are with, how many of us would have chosen to have sks?!" are what give us SM to be preceded with the term "WICKED". My exdh left me for another woman, and is still with her today (8 years later). I hated her at first for her part in my split, but now I appreciate her for the way she loves and cares for my kids when I'm not around. My kids are happy because they have 2 sets of parents who love them enough to put other feelings aside for their sake. I wish I could say the same for my SD's BM. That's a whole other story!

Exhausted SM's picture

Well if you were any ounce of a good person you would be grateful that someone that did not give birth to your child is taking the time to do these things for your child. It is one thing to cook/clean and care for your own children but when the child isn't yours and you take care of them as if they were,that says a lot. I never get how bitter ex wives aren't just happy that their exes are with women that just adore their kids. Instead they are too busy feeling sorry for themselves and insecure. They should be thanking god that their children have it so good because it could be worse. I'm sure you didn't ask for us to do these things but what do you think happens on our weekends? Would you rather us not lift a finger to care for your children? Would you rather us just ignore them? I'm sure if that happened you would be on the phone bitching and complaining about unfair treatment. Just shut up and go find a bitter ex wife forum because we don't want to hear it!

Ms.J's picture

I especially like the line "you are not entitled to anything from me". I don't see anyone here asking bms for anything other than to be left the F*CK alone. And THAT I believe we ARE entitled to. And thank you for reminding me of how privileged I am to be raising your child. I often forget that when I'm doing everything for him and he is wishing I was dead. I feel so privileged. Everytime the phone rings and it's you on the line wanting my man to come over and fix something that you've broken at your house. And I loved it when you called to tell me when I need to send all my kids to bed... yes, the privilegeness (I think I made that word up) is overflowing in me now. Thank you anonymous poster.

frugalmom13's picture

I completely agree with you. I have a BM that acts the same way. I never interfer when it comes to my husband and his son but when the BM starts calling asking my husband to come over and fix things or do stuff around her house, I step in. I understand that they have a kid together but when the conversation or favor has nothing to do with the kid, why don;t you find someone else to do it? I just dont think that poelp realize how hard it can be to be a step-parent. You are expected to care for and love this child "like" they were your own even though the kids will go out of their way to make you feel like you don't matter and that they hate you. I love my step-son but he makes it really hard to do so a lot of the times. We have talked and talked about everything trying to let him know that I am not taking his mom's place but nothing helps.

happy's picture

I am not only a step mom but also a BM. I am elated to have another woman in my childrens life with there father. She is good to my kids and I include her in every way. And even if I did not ask for her I am divorced and cannot expect my ex to stay single forever. So just because we gave birth to our children does not mean that we get to dictate everything in there lives. Our choldren with whom we give birth to never forget there mom's.
Maybe in your case you did not want your divorce? I am not sure but instead of looking at it the way you do think of her as a bonus. In all actuality that is what she is.
Also try to reverse the roll here. What if you were the SM and the ex said exactly what you said up there. How would you feel. I have to tell you that I think its very selfish of any of us on here to say "these are my kids and I don't want this". Our children are gifts from GOD and whether any of us like it or not he can take them from us at any given time. Our job while we are here and they are here is to take care of them and teach them about life. Not be selfish with them. They need to learn how to love unconditionally and not have to divide homes in the sense that they cannot come to my home and speak freely of there fathers GF, or go to his home and speak freely of me and my husband there SD..
I think you should really think about what I am saying. IN THE PERFECT WORLD WE WOULD ALL STILL BE MARRIED TO THE FATHER/MOTHER OF OUR CHILDREN BUT NOW DAYS ITS NOT LIKE THAT. AND WE ALL NEED TO COME TOGETHER FOR THESE CHILDREN. ITS NOT EASY I REALISE BUT HAVE FAITH IN YOUR KIDS AND THEM KNOWING WHO THERE BIO PARENTS ARE.

stamina's picture

Our ex's new wife who becomes the step partent, but we have a harder time accepting our husband's ex, who is the parent? Is that partially our perspective, our insecurities, etc? It just seems to be a huge paradox. Is it because we are done with our exs and feel protective of our relationships with current spouses?

pixi's picture

"I am not only a step mom but also a BM. I am elated to have another woman in my childrens life with there father. She is good to my kids and I include her in every way."

My lords I wish all biological mothers felt this way. I don't have children of my own but my boyfriend has two and their mother hates me even though she hasn't even taken the time to meet or speak to me. While I don't expect the two of us to be friends, I do expect us to be able to be cordial.

If I did have kids and their father had a new woman in his life, as long as she was a good woman, I would be thrilled to have another person looking out the the well-being of my children! How can it be bad to have a bonus mom-like-figure (because I doubt that most women in a step-family are trying to replace a biological mother) who loves, cares for, respects and supports (either emotionally, financially or both) your children?

belleboudeuse's picture

I would love to have the BM in my life feel that way -- or at least just leave me alone and let me live my life.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

BabyRN's picture

What is really frustrating to me is that BM was never even married to DH, as it was a college month long fling and BM acts like DH is her husband! She constantly berates both DH and I in front of 2.5yr SS, who has known me all of her life. BM was all excited at first that I was going to be her child's SM, even before I was engaged to DH, then once vows were said, she turned very ugly! I agree, children are gifts from God and as a BM myself, I would be happy if someone took such interest in my child and my child felt comfortable calling the other woman mom or just being with her. Stepparents love their significant others and are willing to make some sacrafices. My DH is very involved with his daughter, but if BM had anything to do with it, she would get him kicked out of SS life and just ask for more money as she has tried that many times. I think it would be harder to take on a child when they were older, but since SS has been a part of my life even before marriage as a newborn, it is a lot easier...BM is just difficult.

Hope4Me's picture

I challenge you to ever become a stepmother. Let me assure you, we do not think we are your children's mother. We KNOW we are the stepmother. We aren't trying to take your place as their mother. We ARE your ex-husband's new wife and a part of your children's lives. I would LOVE it if people would realize you are only HURTING YOUR OWN CHILDREN by causing conflict involving the children. Don't kid yourself if you think your disdain for us doesn't affect them. You speak of us receiving a "privilage" of mothering your children? My guess is the majority of us accepted your children in order to be married to their father. If we are treating your children well, we are entitled to at the very least, your respect. You don't have to like us, but for the sake of your own children, keep your mouth shut, smile and pretend you are happy that your children's father is happy and that their SM is WILLING to help take care of them. As a SM and BM, I am ECSTATIC my daughter's SM likes her, treats her well, takes care of her and in return my daughter likes her. What a tragedy it would be for HER if that wasn't the case. GET YOUR MIND OFF YOURSELF AND FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS ON THE CHILDREN.

Persephone's picture

My situation is that I turned down the first two marriage proposals even though I knew he and & I had a good thang go'in on. It was his X-situation that I wanted nothing to do with. She is miserable (her own doing) Silly me, after 5 yrs of dating it "seemed" that his kids and I could make it work, I finally said 'yes'. (I have three and went through the "wonderful" teen-aged yrs). I waaay know that I am a step mother and am reminded of it repeatedly. I am NOT a STEP-OTHER and remind them of it repeatedly. The BM has such insecurites, inflicts them on her kids and I have tried to undo her devastations. NOW??? I do not let DH & BM use me as their back-up. (full deal baby--- not the cafeteria plan) I take care of my own... DH & EX can do their own thing. My little ones notice the 'difference' of our parenting skills and I boldly state.. oh well, thats how DH handles it, I handle it differently for your own good--and look at your sister, she is 19 happy, self-sufficient, successful, and look at your steps ... which way do you want to go??? Even now my 11 & 13 yr old have way more self confidence than his 15 & 16 yr olds... that is why it is becoming easier for me to detach and hang onto my values. When and IF BM wants to coordinate efforts I am willing, if not her lose. The hard part is that their kids have such great potential that is wasted AND that is hard to watch. But I am not going to save theirs at the rick of mine own. Sorry for the blather, but it feels sooo good getting it out.

Snflwergdess's picture

Wow! Finally someone took the words right out of my mouth! You go girl!!!!! Thank you for standing up for not only the stepmom's who put their voluntary effort into children that aren't naturally theirs, but also for the CHILDREN who are being affected by jealous bio-mom's who can't accept another woman in her children's lives. Children learn respect from those who are their role models. Are your children really happy if you encourage them not to show affection or disrespect the person who is with them 24/7, which causes conflict in the home???? Mutual respect between bio-mom's and stepmom's is totally 100% crucial to your children's ultimate happiness. And, unless there is real "abuse" happening, please just sit back, enjoy your visits with your children, and send them back home to a happier home without conflict.

laughsalot6's picture

Thank you, This is so true!!! I'm sorry but it really takes a dumb ass to do this because, just like hope 4 me said, let's be tha adults & think about our kids!!!! HELLO!!!! this makes me so mad!!!

melrham's picture

AMEN!!!!my thoughts exactly....that's where the main problem is...people are not focusing on the welfare of th children

OldTimer's picture

I agree with most of these women who are rebutting to your Anonymous post which I also realize you are responding to the previous post which lasts line is your first line... Who do these women think they are? Were you intending to be sarcastic? I think you can tell by the reception that it was not received well. I even realize that you probably aren't even 'checking' for responses.

It's pretty obvious to us that you are the mother... yet, somehow BM has to constantly remind us that we are not... Why is that? Is it because it's an automatic reactive response from an insecure BM? That in itself speaks volumes, since they are questioning their own roles, which reinforces their insecurity.

Yes, you are absolutely right. You did not ask me to cook and clean or do anything for your children- your ex did. He married me. I do not feel entitled to anything, nor do I feel privileged to 'mother' your children- but your ex did. He married me. What harm is there in letting someone else love them as much as you?

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

-- Author unknown

Persephone's picture

I do not feel entitled to anything, nor do I feel privileged to 'mother' your children- but your ex did.

Your above statement says it all!! Psycho BM's feel rejected by their X ; Hath no fury like a woman scorned--even at the expense of their own children. Ironically, it only confirms why they are divorced in the first place.

stamina's picture

Not all BM's are rejected by their ex's. Some biomoms get rid of their spouse because they are irresponsible, drinking, drug abusing, chronically unemployed, abusive, philandering, #$sholes...usually not all of the listed qualities in one individual but one or more of the above. So biomoms are not all scorned, many feel renewed, alive, energized...you may not be married to their ex...you would know if you were..they are officially known as ex-holes.

So no worries...not all women pine over their ex's. Perhaps if most of the biomoms did not have children with the DHs on this site, they wouldn't care whether he moved on or not. Finding out about the DH's dynamics with his ex and his kids are probably key pieces of info to know before getting into a relationship with a Dad! That is the lesson that I have learned over time.

Persephone's picture

I was referring to PSYCHO BM'S. Not all BMs are psycho. They are out there and this web site is a testimonial to that. I was very cautious about ex issues before I married--after 5 yrs of dating. Our problems began when we got married and DH was no longer BM's sherpa.

BTW I left mine for many of the same reasons you listed.. he was a psycho DH everytime I dated. The only time he was okay was when I was not in a relationship. He reared his ugly head when I remarried. So BDs can be just as guilty.

Green-eyed monsters are not limited to gender.

tiff's picture

and some bio dads get rid of their exs because of the same reason. And as for annonymous post- My skids did need me- their pos mother cared more about shooting up drugs then feeding them. I have been there blessing- i am the only mom they know and without me they wouldn't have any mom at all. so while no i did not give birth to them that does not make me any less their mommy to them and i raise them and support them because i love them and my dh - and if its wrong to love my skids as my own then i will be wrong in that case. i would think that a bio mom would appreciate that i treat them with respect and love them not be mad about it- and no not all bm are doing such a great job raising their kids with out us step moms- just look at all the posts here

tynkertoyz's picture

* I could not have said it better myself.*
= )

~2 thumbs up & a twist~
I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.
J. D. Salinger

shandee's picture

I love your thoughts!! This is crazy!!! I will use a line that my pastor suggested to me today. In reference to the anonymous poster... I'm sorry you feel that way!!
I thought this was step talk,I am a bm and a sm.and i have none of those feelings. My oldest girls' sm is one of the best ppl i've ever met! I thank god for her all the time. I didn't ask for her but god gave her to me and my girls and we do thank him for her!! She always keeps my ex and i in check if we have a disagreement, she can speak frankly and i don't take offense and learn from it. Wish more ppl could find that!! ( this is only one section of my life though, there is an evil bm lurking just happens its not me)

dawnmblack's picture

I get along great with my ex and my kids are doing fantastic. My bf's ex (the bm to sd) is a bitter, hostile person also and guess what her kids are a mess. I'm not sure why there are so many anonymous people on here today. I don't think people should be hiding their feelings. I gave my bf the web address and my user name and password and he read alot of things, in fact I think it really helped him understand where I was coming from.

laughterandtears's picture

Anon, you really need to get get your head out of your A$$. Forgive me, but where the hell are you when YOUR kid is at MY house throwing up all over MY floors, taking the medicine I bought for him, wearing the clothes I bought for him, eating the food I cooked, hugging MY body, asking for MY advice, helping with his homework... Oh I could go on and on. DOn't come here preaching about how privillaged I am when in fact I am exhausted, worn out and just plain tired of dealing with the spoiled brat YOU have created.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.

momof1's picture

It is so true, with the exception when the BM is milking your husband and your self for everything she can and when you finally have enough and tell her no more, the money tree has run dry you become the most ignorant person on earth. Not to mention the last 5 years you were working full time, cooking, cleaning, laundry and everything else skids were demanding from you. It is a crying shame that we SM's have to sit and put up with it. I was never the one that was out drunk every day so some one could take care of my kids. You know what is really bad I even taught the BM to cook and take care of the kids....quit my job to stay home with step son due to medical issues. I could go on and on. I think we should just start a list of what all of us step mom's do in place of the BM when they are in our houses. Hell BM was even arrested on the day before mothers day due to domestic violence with her live in boyfriend. I am not qualified to have any opinions but, guess who spent mothers day with her kids...I would really like to compare stories. I know I have got some winners my self...Now if we can just get the courts to see what step mom's can do for these children, instead of just being a pain in BM's assssss..Jess

Step2be's picture

Why is it that the BM thinks she is the only one who can care for the children? You are right in the fact that we did not give birth to these children, however...we CHOOSE to take on a role for the sake of the BF and for the children because we actually care enough to do so. Why can't BM's be thankful that there are people who care and are NOT the stereotypical "wicked stepmothers"? We love our step children...we are not trying to usurp your role...we just want acknowledgement that we are doing what we feel is best and trying to love the children that you are trying to turn against us!!!!! Being able to bear a child does not automatically make you a great parent. Being a caring, loving, nurturing individual does that. That is all we are trying to be!

Cruella's picture

To the Anonomous poster you are totally correct I DO get great acknowledgment from both DH and SKIDS. They appreciate me. I know better to go to a totally self centered, manipulative, lier for ANY kind of thank yous. She is too much of selfish nutcase to even expect that. SKIDS knows who does for them and it isn't BM. I don't need her acceptance. Her kids already love me.

Step2be's picture

You gotta love the self-entitled BM who thinks that just because she gave birth to someone it makes her the only one who could possibly care for them properly. Especially the ones who act like what you do is inconsequential. I would think that someone who truly loved her children would be grateful that a step-parent who didn't "give birth" to these children is willing to be a loving, supportive addition to the children's lives. Jealousy of a new step parent is really only harmful to the children. Unfortunately, in my experience, it is more about the BM's vendetta against the BF than it is about making sure the kids have a loving environment in both homes. Its very sad!

StrongWoman75's picture

As a former stepmom myself I would stay home, there is really no need to stir up a court battle or hostile feelings between anyone.

You know what you should do, you just don't want to give in to the mom.

shandee's picture

as my husband would say...... and hide behind an anonymous post. When you feel you can take off the mask and make a post like that to a bunch of parents that are hurting come on back. Try to bring a better attitude though, this is a learning sharing thing I thought. All I learned from you today is you are lost, so let me share something with you.....
Jesus said, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Matthew 5:44

So can everyone pray for the anonymous poster today? and maybe we wont see a post like that again

southernshellgirl's picture

I've been getting a lot of comfort from that Book lately. I'll send up a prayer for anon, not much to ask to help someone who obviously needs it.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-

belleboudeuse's picture

"...you now get the privilage to mother when that help was not asked for..."

First of all, "privilege" is spelled with an e.

Second, uh, "that help was not asked for..." Really? So, YOU did not ask for me to be in your life. That is true. But in the case of my situation, my DH did not ask to be kicked to the curb by a BM who then still expected him to do absolutely everything for her, including paying her a MOUNTAIN of child support while still being willing to go over and fix stuff in her house, etc., all the while apparently being expected to stay single and lead the lifestyle of a monk.

You know what? You are DIVORCED! When you split up with your former husband, you lost all of your rights to determine what his life would be like without you. You should have thought about the fact that eventually he would probably move on and get remarried when you were planning the divorce.

We stepmoms, collectively, put up with a lot of crap from people like you who think they should have the ultimate say in every decision their former husbands make, for the rest of their lives. Move on, accept that the relationship that produced your children didn't work out the way you wanted, and realize that you now both get to make the decisions about what goes on in your separate households WITHOUT the input of the other.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

PnutButta's picture

Straight, honest, and to the point per usual, BB. Just the way I like it!!

Smile

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost

stepmom2one's picture

Who do you think you are saying who can or can not ride in a car you did not pay for?

If BM does not want you on her property that is fine--they can park on the street. SM will stay in the car and DH can walk up to get the kids.

life84's picture

I'm a BM and a SM. I understand where you are coming from saying that you didn't ask SM to cook or clean for the children but the thing is this SM is in your children's life. Getting physical, verbal abuse, etc. isn't alright. And complaining about something as petty as SM riding in a car to go drop SKs off is really petty. This has nothing to do with acknowledgement or what anyone has asked of the SM it has to do with BM's insecurities and pettiness. As a BM, I would never let my children see me react in such a hostile manner to another person period. If I felt like my children were in any type of danger because of SM then I'd be suing for full custody and telling my Ex to get rid of her or you will have to come to my house for visitation. And I would need some type of proof before I went around making allegations like that. Also as a BM, I would think about how my actions could potentially influence my children.

notresponsible's picture

Speaking only from a male stand-point. BELIEVE me, WE MOST definitely didn't ASK for the privilege of raising your child whether it be by financially providing for them, cooking and cleaning, of which takes time away time from US. If everyone in the world was so PRIVILEGED by raising others' children then babysitters would be FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IMO SPs are the most GIVING and tolerant people on earth. Most anyone can produce a child, alot of those people can raise them. But how many can raise one that's not their own? Not just anyone that's for sure.

pollygirl's picture

WE ARE THE STEP MOM THATS WHO WE ARE AND FACE IT WE ARE NOT GOING AWAY!! Entitled to anything from you? Your tone is exactly why step moms are so frustrated. If I understand you right, you would be okay your child going to their dad and step mom's for visitation and step mom ignoring them all weekend? WELL......You really are privilged to call yourself a mother.

StepMadre's picture

Well, you can't have it both ways. Your kids would suffer a lot without the SM doing all she does in their lives. YOU didn't ask the woman to take care of your kids, but your ex did when he married the SM. There are SMs that love, like and enjoy their skids and some of us grow to love them, but trust me, if we could choose to erase that our husbands ever had mistakes with an ex, most of us would choose that! SMs are not babysitters, maids, chauffeur's or child care workers. The nature of blended families is that we SMs wind up parenting our skids whether we, the skids or the ex like it or not. I would suggest not complaining about a SM that is good and loving with your skids and thank your lucky stars that you don't have an SM that neglects or is hateful to your skids. I hate the psychotic pig that birthed my skids and she is technically a mother, but has no idea how to raise kids and my skids are lucky that I care enough to be a bonus mother to them. I separate them from her. She is a disgusting freak and my skids are their own people who just happen to have 1/2 of their DNA from white trash genetics. They are not their mother and I treat them as the individual people that they are. I care and mother my skids for their sakes, not their cow of a biological mother.

RaeRae's picture

Just for the hell of it, I'm gonna pretend you are my skids BM. There are a few things I want to get off my chest but I've been biting my tongue.

Bitch, when you are stealing food stamps in your kids names, and your bi-husband is making online videos with you talking about all your gourmet meals you fix for him, it looks like SOMEONE has to be cooking for your kids, because it sure as hell isn't you.

When your kids come back to my home with food in their matted hair, your little girl's hair hasn't been brushed or washed in 5 days, I think SOMEONE should clean them up, because it sure as hell isn't you.

When you take child support and go on your extended vacation rather than paying the gas bill, and you tell your daughter to scream or sing really loud and she won't feel the freezing water in the shower, in the dead of winter, I'd think someone should show some concern about these kids, and it sure as hell hasn't been you.

When you and your husband are f*cking your boyfriends instead of helping your kids with schoolwork, when you are dropping them at The Zone rather than spending time with them because you don't want to gain the weight back, when you are spending child support at Victoria's Secret and sending the kids to school in clothes 2 sizes too small, rather than buying them the things they need, then SOMEONE needs to act like their mother, even though I know I'm not.... because YOU SURE AS HELL DONT ACT LIKE IT.

I didn't ask your permission. I will not wait your approval. My husband and I have provided a home for our kids, you're the one who screwed around and screwed up. It's your loss. And one day, my skids will grow up and look back and wonder what the hell you were thinking when you f*cked up their lives because you wanted to f*ck around.

MeMakes3's picture

Just WOW! Sounds like a few unresolved personal issues here. I would think that with so many deadbeat parents out there that one would be thrilled that their child had not only the other parent but extra adult that cared about them as well.

ultrak788's picture

I am going through something very similar. My husband was recently granted court ordered visitation with his son. His ex is trying to control the situation to the point she put together a 7 page letter on how she wants the visitation to be conducted. Among other things she does not want me to be with my husband when he picks up his son. The first time I was with him since the court order I stayed in the car and she came up to the car to pick a fight with me. She told me I had no right to be there and that this was between a mother and father. I am not one to back down when being disrespected so I got out of the car and a screaming match began between us with my husband trying to break us up and his young son crying in the doorway. I think what what women like that are very bitter and want to provoke us to get us going so that they can go back to courts to say we are hostile. (she has already tried but failed) The best thing to do is to stay in the car and be the better person. But I will be at as many pick up and drop off when I am available. You have to make your present known. They have to get over this childish behavior and give you the respect they would like to get. As long as you stay in the car and ignore them you have every right to be there and they better get use to it.

Snflwergdess's picture

I have had the same, unfortunate encounter with my fiance's ex-wife. We have custody of her 3 children, and 2 of my own. The difference was, when she came to pick up the children for a visit I wanted to talk about some things with her concerning the kids, and how disappointed they had been with her consistent canceling, no shows, etc. She looked at me and said that this was between My fiance and Her, not me. I looked back, and stated blatantly...."No, you are wrong, if it were only between you and him, you'd still be married!" Parent's on each sided need to remember, that the children have 2 natural parents, but that each is entitled to move on with their lives. And that, involves other potential "Stepparents". We as parents need to encourage our children to respect their other stepparents just the same. Remember, if you encourage your children to disrespect you ex's spouse...eventually it will be you with a spouse that is getting disrespected. You may regret your actions later. What goes around, comes around.

Anonymous's picture

Who do we think we are? I have not received child support for one year, ever since my ex remarried. Not a dime. She insists on coming to my house for every drop off and pick up. She has been mean to my daughter in front of several witnesses from his family. I don't want to fight in front of my child. Just one example of her, She said that my daughter should be able to read summer after finishing Kindergarten and told her that if I was a good mother I would have taught her how to read by now. My daughter is hearing impaired and has struggled with self esteem issues because learning to read has been difficult. I am a teacher and have strived to and paid for every kind of assistance I can find for my daughter. Like I said I do not want to fight with her especially in front of my child. I have asked to arrange any other drop off schedule to avoid this. His mother has offered to be the mediary so that there will be no coinflict, but she enjoys making nasty comments and causing conflict. Why do you need to be there? Are you insecure about the exes relationship? I kind of understand that it is a long trip and everything, which is not the case with us. We live twenty minutes away from each other, but it seems if you do not like her, why would you want to be there?

stepmom2one's picture

How can she be attacking anyone if she is in the car? Again, if yu don't want her on your property tell your ex that--he will have to drop her off at a store till the kids are picked up. Its not that hard.

You can't say she can't ride in HER car.

happy's picture

stop you even by trying to petition the court from you going. Especially if you are married. She would have to have a viable reason for you not going. Like you beat her up or something.. So I am not to sure that it will work.
It sounds like she is just trying to control what you are doing. She may not like you but there is nothing she can do about it. How petty is that.. Tell her if she does not like you going that maybe she should drive the child the whole way.. Then she will not have to worry about you being there..

Just a suggestion...
happy

lovin-life's picture

Too bad for her! Her whims and insecurities don't give her the right to dictate who travels in the car YOU pay for....she's just going to have to deal with it!!

My x's GF...actually picks up the kids ...all by herself..on occasion and has picked up my son, drove him to, and attended his Christmas concert..AND dropped him off...all by herself!! It's no big deal! I think in your case..the biomom will learn to accept it ...especially if she has no other choice..so stick to your guns....

OldTimer's picture

You know, move all your pick ups and drops off to a designated public location and have it finalized by the courts. Then you are on public property and guess what... she can't do crap about it. Problem solved.

In the beginning of me dating DH, BM used to drop by with SS at his home. But once she got wind that he was dating, and it was pretty serious, she started to pull all sorts of crap, major tantrums, and even went out of her way to be melodramatic in front of the neighbors, claiming that he 'abused' her. Even to the point of peeling out of his driveway making big scenes. She literally lost control of herself. It was sooo embarrassing.

Well eventually they ended up in court, again. So DH had it put in their court order that their designated drop off, pick up was at the local grocery store parking lot- a completely heavily public location. She no longer could accuse him of any 'spousal abuse' while dropping SS off at his home. This new designated spot at a public location was open, and she was too embarrassed to carry on like she did, because there was too many witnesses now. Plus, it's public property, so she can't say crap about who is with him or comes and goes. (I think she didn't like the fact that I was there too, but oh well...) And if we have problems, we can call the police pronto. The judge saw right through her. The judge agreed. And that solved sooo many things.

Anne 8102's picture

The judge will be totally disgusted with her and make her pay your husband's legal fees, because this what is called "frivolous" and a waste of the court's time. Judge's do not take kindly to that. This is ridiculous! It's a free country and if it's your husband, your car and your stepchildren, then she's the one who is interfering.

~ Anne ~

clynn82's picture

She sounds childish and petty. I am in the same situation in that my husband drives 2 hrs to meet every other weekend on Friday and Sunday. I don't feel like I'm missing out on any time, but that's me. I have no desire to drive in the car for that amount of time, and I would feel like I'm interfering honestly. If your staying home makes her happy...then just do it and see if she let's it go. I use this time to do some housecleaning, laundry or just have some alone down time for me. It's actually quite wonderful...try it!

On the back side though, I would let her know that this also means you don't want to be asked to do any future drop-offs to bio-mom's house. It goes both ways you know.

Susanna's picture

Personally, I would not really mind staying home during the drop offs. My concern is that once one judge rules that I can't be at the drop offs, a precedent will be established. Once there is a legal precedent the other judges will tend to follow along

I have so many things that need my attention, but once I start giving up my rights to this woman's whims, it may never stop. It is easier to defend my right to this freedom than to try and regain a lost freedom down the line.

BM has convinced judges to bar SD from seeing her cousins based on an allegation that was never substantiated in any way. I actually study law in school and from what I can tell about family law in WA, it is incredibly arbitrary with a not so subtle favoritism shown to Mothers over Fathers. It seems that in family court a he said she said is enough to make a legal decision fly.

My husband was almost arrested for "false imprisonment" of BM because the skinny 19 year old process servir walked slightly in front of her car to serve her legal papers. BM was court ordered to provide a mailing address and refused. When she is served at the drop off she calls the police and tells them she is a DV victim scared for her life. The police watched the incident on the gas station video tape and determined that there was no laws broken. They told him that he was not allowed to serve process at the drop offs ever again. The said they didn't care what the courts said about anything. As far as they were concerned if BM wouldn't provide an address it was for her safety and wouldn't consider any other explanation.

No one asked BM why she didn't just get a dang PO BOX. Of course that would involve reasoning skills, which don't seem to be all that important.

Sorry if I sound a little bitter. I have had to take legal actions against extrmely abuse people and recieved zero enforcement of my rights. I am really coming to the conclusion that the only way to get protection is to be a liar with financial motivation.

I can't count how many perpetrators I've known of who never spent a day in jail or court, yet the system chases my husband around with a big stick because he wants to have the courts enforce his right to be a Dad once or twice a month.

I'm just so tired of people that think domestic violence is a nifty card to play in a court battle. People out there are really being abused and don't get believed because of the ones who lie. It really just sickens me.

Candice's picture

I'm in WA State myself, and don't be too down in the dumps on this one. I'm no attorney, but our bm wanted to pull a lot of crap during court preceedings, and judge's didn't always go for them. Just b/c bm doesn't want you in the car, doesn't mean she will get it. Unless you have a lot of police records with assualt, or instigating a fight, a judge probably won't give it any consideration.

I do feel like WA is very biased towards mothers, but I'm actually optimistic that you will prevail on this one.

One thing that I use to do was write a memorandum responding to bm's requests, stating the implications her ridiculous requests would have made, and the hardship it would have impacting our family, and there were times our attorney used them. Just use word, and write memorandum on the the top, and sign it and fax it to your attorney. If they use it great, if not well they have it.

Keep your hopes up on this one.

Bests,
Candice

Susanna's picture

I'm not sure about that whole thing about the angry BM. I have no illusion that I am Mothering my skids. I think of myself as being there to support them in a difficult situation. I could just detach from them, but then my SD would never find her socks. I don't feel I should deprive my skids of a relationship with me, just because their Mother is being nasty.

As far as the court stuff, me and my husband are going to stick to our guns in court. I am going to write a memorandum, thanks for that idea again. I have decided that I probably will not actually go to the drop off's unless we are traveling, but I want my legal rights protected anyway. I have zero criminal history and I've never struck a child or an adult in my life.

There are some other legal things going on and BM's tendency to lie all the time is starting to catch up with her. I think that I am going to deal with a lot of petty behavior over the next years, but I think that ultimately, my attempt to be the best Step Mom I can be will make a difference; weather I am acknowledged or not.

Thanks to all,
// Susanna

"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan."
Ani DiFranco

Anonymous's picture

Oh, and who cares if she goes along for the drive??? Why is that YOUR business??? Sounds like you have some serious issues you need to work out. Get some help. I'm sure that hostility is hurting everyone (especially your kids)

mb's picture

I am currently living with my fiance and he has custody of two teens. One is about to complete highschool and turn 18 and is living in my fiance's house, and the other is living in our new apartment with us and she just started highschool. A few months into it, I am regretting that I wanted us to live together. I wasn't counting on so much compromise. Honestly, my 40-something, childless self is not understanding what is so spectacular about parenting. Their own birth mother shows an extreme lack of interest in their lives. She calls them once per day and tells them about how busy she is and neglects to spend time or make time for them on her weekends. I cannot believe how bitter I am about having to compromise so much when the BM is placed on a pedestal for doing nothing. Don't get me wrong...not looking for praise for anything I do, but I am also not looking forward to sacrificing my remaining good years and/or my interests to be replace an absentee mother. Worse than anything, this girl is hungry for a mother, adores me, and wants to please. I don't know how to feel, as I don't have the feelings I might need to be a better roll model for her. My honesty is causing a big problem with my finace as I believe he had some unspoken expectations of me......I think he thinks I would have fallen in love with these kids once we were all living together. BUT, my resentment toward all of them is building as the BM continues to contribute nothing and sacrifice even less. I have years of independence behind me, years of doing as I please, and years of creating a home that feels right. This invasion into my future, my money, my space, and my general sense of hope has got me right on the edge of making a decision that will hurt two other people. I want to be with my fiance' more than anything, but the level of sacrifice and the inability to communicate the hard stuff is leading in a bad direction. If any of you SM's can relate, please help!!

Anonymous's picture

As long as you stay in the car and dont respond to her , she cant do anything as far as the courts are concerned your in the car not on her property ( even if its in the driveway ) the father wants you there , the children want you there. End of story

jen1028's picture

I have been in your same shoes. The original order for the exchange of my step daughter was at the Ex's house. When I rode along, I would get sworn at, yelled at, insulted, and called pretty much every name in the book. I used to get horrible stomach aches because of it. I can't imagine how it was to my step daughter. Either way, don't purposefully try to push her buttons in any way, but at the same token, don't back down. She HAS to get used to you sooner or later weather she likes it or not, and by at least not being present, all you are is prolonging it. Wear her down bit by bit. Smile

One of the last times that my husband went to court, his EX tried to stipulate that I was not allowed to go along, and the judge moved the location to the Mc Donalds parking lot instead of her house. I think the judge realized she was crazy too.

On a positive note, eventually the ex needed the exchange to happen at a different location at a different time and she couldn't get ahold of my husband. It seems that I am not so bad after all.

Lauren973's picture

Damn. There is a LOT of material here. I commend the Birth moms who come here trying to get advice and understanding. I commend the step moms who come here and are willing to listen to the birth moms and hear their side. Both sides, when reasonable, have great wisdom to share. I hope to learn how to be a better person from people who are trying to be better people themselves.
We are, on this board, often a polarized voice. And we have reasons.
I am NOT an BM, but I have one.
And she was a great mother. For all she has done for me in my life I have great respect for birthmothers. My father, was a step father to my sister but my real dad. I never thought of my sister as half sister, because my parents were GREAT people, and they gave a damn about how we grew up to interpret the world.
Thats really our job, isnt it? Wether we are teachers, parents, advertising executives, in the media, neighbors, stay at home moms...?
Isn't it our greatest responsibility to shed light into the MINDS of these CHILDREN that we raise? Wether they are ours by birth, by marraige, by accident or mere proximity?
And who says it is a priviledge? It is a down right BURDEN sometimes - wether BM or SM.
Mothering is all too often THANKLESS.
I know because at times in my life I was a thankless child. (I'm sorry mom).
The truth is, no matter how great my mother was, there were far too many times when I was influenced by the world around me. She couldn't have been good enough to raise me to be perfect. NO ONE PERSON CAN.
MANY hands go into the making of a human mind.
The truth is, people have to work TOGETHER to raise children.
A conscientious parent (by birth or marraige) should be GRATEFUL if the weight of the influences in our childrens lives are loving and teach goodness and give the children reason to want to live and have children of their own.
There are too many reasons not to.
If I had a child in an unhappy marraige that ended, I would hope one day to show my child that love isn't always unhappy. If that came in the form of my ex loving a different woman, I would be glad my child had LOVE in their life. If there was another woman who was in my childs life often enough to be called a step parent, I would do EVERYTHING I COULD to make sure that woman knew that I cared for her as a meaningful influence to that child.
I AM GRATEFUL FOR ANY STEP OR BIRTH PARENT that makes ONE MORE CHILD into a LOVING creature rather than a hateful one. This world has TOO MUCH HATRED.
This isn't about Birthright or step parents rights - it is about THE CHILDREN.
How do we make good people?
Well, look at the way we fight. Perhaps you will see why we don't make very many really GOOD people anymore.
BE THE BEAUTY YOU WANT TO SEE.

Anonymous's picture

My situation is probably the worst it can get. I am 26 years old and my husband is 47 we were just married and he has two kids 10 and 13 from a previous marriage. Keep in mind throughout this story that he left his ex 2 years ago. she dragged on the divorce a year plus and called 42 times a day yelling, screaming, harassing him and myself. In the past two years she has...thrown his cellphone and broke it twice, threw icecream on him and his car, showed up at our home screaming and crying and trying to push her way in the door....driving past the house just to see what we are doing....showing up at my husband's work yelling at him and waiting for him to pull out for lunch.....calling his work multimple times so much that he has had to have the secretaries downstairs screen his calls....jerking the children around and trying to turn them against their father, telling them lies....getting a private investigator to check out my background to see if she could find anything about me to tell her ex.....I could go on and on ......her father even sexually harrassed me during a baseball game so much that the coaches came out of the dugout and the old geezer had to be escorted out. I took him to court and get a restraining order. Keep in mind the children have seen most of these things. My husband has really stuck by me and constanly tells her it would be in her best interest to get some help, up her meds and accept it...at least for the sake of the children. She is so jealous of me and her ex that she takes it out on the kids. My husband was the hands on parent when he lived with the children. he would take them everywhere and his ex would just do her own thing. She will call and ask how to work a tool or do something at the house and my husbend will say figure it out yourself or ask your dad. Before his used to help but he has backed off completly because he pays 1600 bucks in child support and allimony for her to live in this big house because he wanted to get her to sign the divorce papers. This woman is an absolute nut. When my husband tries to tell her to move on with her life and that she is making things so hard for the children all she says as she has been saying the the last 2 years is "well your the one that did this and this is what you have to deal with since you deserted us. They have shared custody and when it is the ex's turn to watch the kids she sends them off to friend's houses. They are never home when she has the kids. Just last night she dropped them off at the baseball field for the 13 yrs old's baseball practice and left the 10 year old there without proper adult supervision. thank goodness my husbend wanted to watch some of the practice so we went and found out the 10 year old was left with some other 7 yr old unattended. Some people might wonder why I continue to stick through this but I love my husband so much. He is truly my soul mate. he is so supportive of me and I love him with all my heart. His daughter adores me but who knows that her mom says about me. Please if there are any BM out there listening.....please please please, find it in your heart to move on for the sake of the kids....
To this day my husband's ex still tells him I will never accept this, my children do not have to accept this and I continue to tell them that. The 13 year old refuses to come over to our home because his mother tell him it isn't okay and he doesn't have to accept this. this has broken my husband's heart. The fact that I am so much younger than his ex doesn't help she is constanly finding someway to bust on my 5'5 120lb figure. I am not saying all BM are like this but if this description sounds like you.....find it in your heart to accept it for what it is....make the best of what you have and do what you can to help your children adjust. My husband and I are planning to start trying for a baby in a few months......I can only imagine what is in store for us in the future.....

signed
frustrated stepmom

Anonymous's picture

Obviously the bm shouldn't act that way, and one would think have a little more pride and dignity so your in the right about that. However, looking from her viewpoint and the childrens... the fact that her 47 year old husband took up with someone age 26 would disgust many. Its too much of an age difference, and I wonder if the father was not making sexual overtures, but basically harassing you in general for your part in the pain caused to bm and kids. (which of course isn't an excuse). Most of the blame falls on your bf/husband ( I wonder if your really married to him), because he betrayed his kids most of all and probably for the most part ended his relationship with them. If you can see ahead with the age difference and all the issues you would be wise to find someone your own age. Sorry but I have to side with the children above all, it must be truly embarassing for them and I would hope you have enough sense not to attends any of their functions. Especially considering your not that much older than his oldest one. I'm afraid it doesn't speak much about your s/o and his values, and you both have brought on their reactions to a great extent.

I am confused's picture

Holy cow. I'm surprised you haven't blown a gasket.

You're seeing things fairly clearly for a 26 year old. I think at 26 I was just worried about where the best happy hour was.

I've been in a similar situation with a BD who investigated me, trashed me to friends, family, and kids, and hung on for dear life in the divorce. I finally hauled ass recently. I wish I had your stick-to-it-iveness and trust in my partner. I finally decided she was allowing it to happen and left. Time will tell if it was a mistake but I'm just not sure I could have held on like you did/have... Congrats to you.

Krissy's picture

Not only does the OP have every right to be at pick-up, but she may also have the right to actually DO the picking up. Depends on the wording of the CO. BB used to refuse to let me pick SS up, to the point that she would see me driving the car and turn around and leave the pick-up spot. We went to court and the judge had language added to the CO that allowed me to pick SS up. She also really was not happy with BB. Just my story.

EnoughMe's picture

I find it laughable that these women think they have any sort of right to suggest that they do not want us SM in the car for drop-offs. Now that you know it winds her up, make sure you attend all of them and to wind her up even more, lavish loving comments and praises for your partner and child to her hearing. I would also advise that you take along, some sort of recording device so that you can get a picture of her being violent or abusive and you can even ask leading questions, just to get her irrationality on record, for future purposes.
We as SM's need to start giving as good as we get or else you will start getting depressed (mentally ill because of someone else?...NO!) and you will start taking out your resentment on your partner and your kids (what a horrible thought).

Being the Real 'You' should Always be Good Enough

kristina0121's picture

Just because a woman pushes a child from their stomach does not mean they are owed the world. Or even owed their children for that matter. Not every step parent is out to get you, but too often BM's feel that way. There are good and bad step parents out there. There are those to push that child away because they never listen, and then there are those who take the time to work with the child to create some stability and comfort in their life. There are also good BM and bad BM. There are those who accept that there will always be another "mother" in their child's life, and there are those who will resist and make things difficult. But you know all you BMs who resist. All you BMs who try to turn your child against their step-mother and have to go to court every 6 months.. you... YOU are the ones messing up your children. Do you really think that's what is best for the child?? Or don't you ever think of your child?? Don't you think being civil and allowing the child to get their own opinion of their new parent rather than feeding their mind with lies and making their life as unstable as possible is doing more for your children?? Or are you so selfish that you can let go of the fact that there is another parent in your child's life? You are hurting yourself and hurting your children. I know that... because my SS's BM tells him all sorts of things about me. But guess what? He's starting to hate BM. He actually says (at 5) that he hates his stepmom. Why? Because she is telling him all these nasty things about a woman (me) that treats him so well. I am the one that feeds him. I am the one who washes his clothing. I am the one who bathes him. I am the one who reads him a bedtime story. I am the one who plays with him. I am the one who teaches him his abc's and how to spell and everything else. I am the one who lays with him in bed at night. I am the one he cries to when he has a bad day. It's my arms he jumps into when he gets home from school. I am the one who cuddles and watches movies with him at night. I am the one he cries for when he has a bad dream. It's me. And when you tell him that I'M a bad person. He knows better. So what you are doing is digging yourself into a hole. Because guess what. Children grow up. And whether they know it now or they don't know it until they are grown, they will know who was the good person. They will look back on you for all the trouble you caused and blame YOU. Or they will be in therapy as an adult and realize that all their problems stem from their BM. And guess what.. then it won't matter is you "gave birth". A REAL mom is one who takes care of their child and puts that child before anything. So stop being so technical on what a biological mother is.. because guess what.. as that child grows.. they will know who their real mother is and it's not always going to be you.

BTW.. my step son started calling me mom. I have never told him to call me that and no one else has. But guess who he looks to when he says that sacred word... ME!!

funnimom's picture

Wow! I'm amazed and shocked by all of the posts here. I'm also very confused. Why as a biomom would you want your children to hate the person that's making their Father happy? Do you honestly think that it's a privelage for for the SM's to raise your children when you apparently have done everything you can to turn them against her?

I am both, a BM and a SM. My youngest lives with his father and soon to be wife. This was a choice that was made by his father and I before he was born. My Son's SM has got to be one of the most amazing women I've met. He's not really changed his dirty dog ways, but they've made it work, and for that I am thankful. On numerous occasions I have had to have a chat with my son about the way he treats her, a little more respect for her role and ability is called for and he obliges and apologizes and we deal with issues together. Her and I deal with them together. He (my son) needs to understand that I support her in her role. I may be his "BM", but I am not his every day mother and dammit she DESERVES to be respected for all that she does. In fact, she has not just stopped with my son that lives with her, her kindness and family inclusion has extended to the children I had before I was with my ex-her fiance. We do Christmas gatherings together, gift shop together, as they now have a child together, I babysit, buy gifts for their little one etc. We have grown together, and are now at a point that if something happens to my ex, my son stays with her and his sister, if something happens to her I get my son and her and my ex's daughter.

Now, not everyone is like this, I completely understand. My current issues and reasons for joining this site are for how my ex is dealing with the end of the relationship more so than how his ex is dealing with it. So far, his ex is not an issue. Although it's still a pretty new relationship, and I've not had a great deal of interaction with her. But, as one of their boys lives with us and the other with her, I would think that if issues were going to arise they would have already. I believe (from what I've seen) her only issue is understanding or seeing that there is now someone there to help out her ex husband. That will come in time, I'm positive of it. I would love it if we could have the same type of relationship that I have with my ex and his soon to be wife. I don't expect everything of course, but, having the children able to spend christmas all together without separating them all the time would be fantastic.

Regardless, my feelings for my step sons are not dependant on whether I love their Father or not. They are dependant on me being a parent. They are young boys growing to be men in a world where not everytning is what you thought it might be. Mom and Dad were everything, and now that's over. How are the boys to know that the relationships that their parents are in will last? My caring for the boys will not stop if my relationship does not work out. I am not privelaged to have them in my life, but, I am pretty damn lucky. They didn't ask for this type of life. They are victims of their parents issues. How fair is that? I don't count the things I do for the boys, nor do I tally them. But, what I do, do, is ensure that they have a safe happy home that allows them to share "ALL" their joys. No matter who's home they experience them in.

I saw this one for adoptive parents. I feel it's very true for step kids as well.

Not flesh of my flesh,
nor bone of my bone,
but still, miraciously my own.

Don't ever forget for one single minute
that you did not grow under my heart.
But, in it.

stableone's picture

Hmm...I thought that what I was going through was bad...I have been enlightened....I find it interesting how BM's can feel like they can do whatever they want but if the BF does the same thing then they are reamed out for it. My DH has week on week off custody with his two girls ages 3 and 4 and all the things we have went through is just so much drama. She chooses to fight and yell in front of her kids as I calmly tell her that I choose not do this in front of her kids. she doesn't care. she is a pshyco. BD wanted to get girls hair cut one time(because the l4 year old was asking if she could) so he called to let BM know and she immediately started screaming on the phone going off in all directions and then wanted to talk to her 4 year old to talk her out of getting her hair cut....she then proceeded to tell her that if daddy cut her hair then she was going to take the scissors he used and cut her daddy's throat with them. this is just the tip of the ice burg.she has gotten worse and tell's me that it's none of my business.....SCUSE ME?????it is my business when she is totally trying to manipulate my husband and his CO rights...I never threatened her or laid hands on her but now she is trying to get me fired from my job at an elementary school...because I showed a text message that she sent to my phone to a couple of my co-worker/friends. she is just mad cause she knows she sounded like an idiot and she is grasping for straws...to get to me,It was my personal phone and my business...I didn't break any confidentiality rules.... she is so jealous of the kind of mother I am and my relationship with her ex and her children....she is the one that left him...she need's to get over it and be thankful that I am not a wicked stepmom.

Completley sickened and frustrated

Rags's picture

pick up and drop off. SCREW BM!

Let the Judge smack her around in court a little bit. I truly hope the BM actually puts this in front of a Judge. Even the dip shits in the stupid black robes that we have dealt with would chew her up and spit her out for that crap.

Best regards,

TinaKay's picture

SS is now driving nbut for many years before he was driving, my husband picked him up because his ex was just as ignorant and we decided it was not worth the hassle.
Now that he is driving, he can drive to our house to see his father and me and my husband does not even need to go near his ex's house.

In the past she would sometimes ambush him when he was picking up his son, and many times he said I may have to pick him up and bail him out of jail as he left to pick up his son.
Sure am glad all thats over with... but what did help our situation is when she started dating, as she did not focus so much on my husband and him picking up his son. Seemed to be that the more single and not dating she was, the more she would hassle him.
She sucks and is a loud, rude woman who looks much older than her age due to constant tanning, smoking and drinking. She has low self esteem and anger issues. I'll be so glad in a few more years when my huisbands son turns 18 and we are legally done with that stupid crazy old hag.

In your situation, good luck to his ex trying to dictate who can be in the car for pickups, the judge will laugh his butt off at her attempts to control that ! She will look like a laughing stock, so tell her to go for it and take it to court, as she will look like the fool she is.

EsandEm's picture

LOL. I think that everyone should be appreciative of anyone who treats their child well and does the best they can whether biologically related or not. I'm not asking for BM's to LOVE us SM's..quite frankly I don't give a damn if the bitch likes me or not...but they should at least have the decency to be SUPPORTIVE of their child's relationship with the SS. We don't take the place of BM's generally, we just help fill in the gaps sometimes.

BUT Im still interested to know who thinks SM's have some sort of right to be at the pick up/drop off? Well I guess MY situation is that if my fiance isn't off work, BM will take the kids to his work instead of our place where I'm already home? It's really stupid b/c HE'S AT WORK. either stay home and we'll come get him after he's off or just drop him off at our house...

Or how bout this, JUST FOLLOW THE DAMN RULES. That's what divorce papers are for right? Yes, some things have to be worked around, but for the most part they are a helpful guideline to provide stability...not so it's guesswork and ambiguity all the time! Stick to a damn schedule.

jaylady999's picture

And as BM, I could care less about the woman who is in my child's father life making him happy. If he is happy, great for him! I dont interfere with my child's EOW and entire summer visits with him. I am sure that his GF is there to help out which is also great for BD. But me appreciative of this? NEVER. I am sure BD appreciates this and he should. HE.CHOSE.HER. And quite frankly, she is doing herself a favor by treating my son fairly because treating him any other way will get her booted right out of BDs life anyway.

As SM, same thing. I love my skids to pieces and would do anything for them just like I do my son. But I am pretty sure BM's only concern is that my DH takes care of the kids while they are with HIM. And whatever his support system is, she could care less about. And she shouldn't. She did not choose me for her kids SM so she has no reason to be grateful of my being kind to them.

Any SM who thinks BM owes her gratitude for treating her stepkids nicely is full of arrogance and is living her life with complete blinders.

Rags's picture

for a visit with the other parent then each parent should STAY THE HELL OUT OF IT until the kid gets back to their home. As long as the child is being adequately cared for and not abused it is none of the OTHER parent's business what goes on at Dad's or Mom's.

Neither parent should try to control what goes on at the other parents end of the equation and don't try to eliminate participation with the kids life (school, sports, extracurriculars, etc.....) on the opposite end of the equation.

What goes on in the homes is off limits to the other parent. However, what goes on at school, sports, band, dances, etc..... is equal participation, information and access territory.

So, JL999 I agree with the perspective you bring both as a BM and an SM.

It is those psycho dipshit parents who are more focused on executing revenge on their Xs and maintaining control of the other parents home and life that are the reason that we are all here.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

Totalybogus's picture

Its not the wants of the exwife or even the wants of the children that I care about. I don't clean or cook for them. My husband takes care of the responsibilities of his children. What I do care about is what my husband asks of me. I would rather not ride four hours in a car only to be faced with hostility, but if my husband asked me to I would for him. I don't really care what anyone else wants. I married him, not his xwife or his kids.

vgill's picture

I feel for you!having to deal witha Bm that is so petty and self centered and jelous of you that she no longer even wants you there when picking up the kids!! like where does she think they are going and who does she think they are going to spend time with!! is this woman completely stupid or what!!
Just leave her alone and be happy, it will piss her off even more!! Beside if you ignore her she'll just do something more stupid just to entertain you!!

If she gets any dumber she'll need to be watered!!LOL!! some people never cease to amaze me with their stupidity!!
Have fun!!

Angel72's picture

My dh's ex would also say i was 'interfering' HAHAHHAA...SHe is intimidated by you being there and this is why she doesn't want you in the car AND you can be a witness to how she is with your dh'.....Like you are watchign her behaviour. My dh's ex did these years ago when i was dating him, i never budged an inch . I came for every pick up and drop off and i brought a camera too just in case. My sd asked, why do you have a camera' i said, why not? Do you have a problem with that. She said nothing and mommy would nto step near the car.
SO, no court in HELL can order you not to be in the car. and in my situation i was paying and am still paying for that car. If she doesn't want me there, SHE cna drive 3 1/2 hours to bring those kids and back and waste the FN gas! And basically spewed that one early on to sd when she made a remark. I dont exactly remember but i remember saying, my car , you dont like , tough.
Do not take any crap from this woman
Personally i would never go pick them up or drop them off. Its my ddh's business...but if i feel like a country ride and to go to the farms for some shopping of fresh produce, its none of that woman business.

HummingBirdHunny's picture

I have almost been in a similar situation. BM's loser bf wanted to stop me from going with DH to drop off the kids but supposedly BM changed his mind. I have every right to be there...if it means I have to sit in the car then so be it but I plan to go every single time. Although now she had SD tell us after she dropped them off back home today that when she (meaning the BM) calls us, that DH is to answer the phone! I couldn't believe that she thinks she can say who is or isn't allowed to answer my own phone. Which is all the more reason why I will answer the phone each and every time.

Christina Marie's picture

I say if your a good parent bio or Step, the child knows it. There are no secrets in a house with children, they know who talks crap, whos nasty whos hateful and who isnt. They know who is respectfull, kind, loveing and caring and who trully loves and cares for them. As they grow this knowledge is instilled in them and they carry it with them in their lives. Remember this all parents when you act an ass for no reason at all or talk about the other adults in your children's lives , hurting them because they love them. It doesent matter whether you like the new stepmama or stepdaddy..what matters is the child does, what matters is the child loves them. What matter is they will always remember each adults nastyness and stupidity and the only person that would be hurt is the child.

~Chrissie

Loving Wife to David, Mother and friend to Dannie, Lizzie, Stephie and Willie

iwishyouwould's picture

BM once spent half an hour screaming at DH on the phone because she WANTED me to be at pick up. DH told her he was not going to bring me with him just so that she could scream at me, and BM told him "I wish you would" in a nasty little voice... LOL!!!

zuzieq611's picture

:O You can't let a BM dictate your life. If she has jealousy issues....then they are HER issues, not yours, your husband's or the kids. As long as you are there to accompany your husband and the kids and are not goading the EX, then let her stomp her feet, she'll just look bad to the judge.

IAMTHEMOM's picture

My ex is a d*ck and his wife is a homewreaker but .. they r good to the kids to me that is all that matters once you have parted ways and settled the other mess.

I am confused's picture

I think you should make the dropoff and pickup without the BD, just to stick it up her ass. And if she refuses, have the Sheriff waiting with the court order that says she has to turn over the kids to BD/agent, and have her tossed in the pokey. That'll teach the bitch.

mom2five's picture

I'm going to respond to the original post. Your husband's ex-wife does not want you at drop off. From your descriptions, there have been multiple ugly scenes at drop-off and pick-up. Ask yourself why you would want to put yourself or the kids through that. You can still take the trip with your husband. Have him drop you off at a coffee shop a couple of blocks from the pick-up/drop-off location. Relax and drink a cup of coffee while he deals with his ex. Then take the trip back home with your family.

It's not about your "rights". It's about what is best for those kids. Is it really worth fighting it out in court? Seriously? You want the expense both financially and emotionally over something like this? Of course your lawyer is going to be willing to take this to court! It's more money for him!

I am a bio-mom and a custodial step-mom. My stepkids chose to live with us about two years ago. We did the visitation nightmare for years and years before they moved in with us. This is not a hill worth dying on. When you allow this trivial stuff to become an issue, you feed into the bio-mom's need for drama. Let it go. You'll be happier, your husband will be happier, and most importantly, the kids will be happier.

I understand the need to "win". I've been there. However, you'll only find peace when you decide to let this stuff go.

ddakan's picture

okay so in reverse, all step moms aren't evil child stealing psychopaths out to steal a woman's husband and take him for herself.

i'd rather pay child support than raise the little mo-fo's myself. they are self centered little brats! thank God they eventually grow up and go away!

sickofitall's picture

I had the OPs problem also. Police,physical attacks etc.Court hearings you name it. We brought a video camera.We really didnt know if it was admissable but it made psycho BM SOMEWHAT stop some of the antics. Like you we both sat in the car minding our business.She would come out to the car and perform her antics.She scratched DH,made threats,would yank SD out of car etc. We showed her the camera and told her we are taping these drop off and pickups. When she realized that it wouldnt just be her "story" of us starting with her things calmed down somewhat.Not great mind you-still a struggle but not so off the wall.Every once in a while she would start again when we let our guards down but thats what worked for us anyway.

Good luck.Dont let her dictate where you can and cant be.She has zero rights. Thats what divorce is about.Thats why people should not take it lightly when they decide to divorce with children involved.Ive had friends say they wanted to leave DH because theyre bored or whatever(not talking about abuses or anything like that-thats different) and I always say please think about it first-you dont know what you are getting into.Try to make it work.BM loses some control of who is around the child and what that child does.Thats just the way it is.

I have also learned(just recently actually) that staying calm and not playing into the snippy comments and arguments makes her more insane!! Very difficult but well worth the reaction.LOL

NavyChiefWife's picture

I have and still deal with the BM not wanting me to be with my DH for the pick-up and drop-offs of my SD. This has been going on for a decade now.

First, you want to know if she has a right to say you can't be there...If you are being verbally or physically abusive towards her, threatening her bodily harm, on her property, or endangering her child, then YES she has a right to say you can't be there. She can either get a restraining order on you or have the judge order you not to come near her.

Now, if you are doing none of the above, just along for the ride to support your DH, not on her property, then NO she can NOT force you not to be there.

In my situation the BM tried to get the judge to order that I am not allowed to be with my DH during the pick-up and drop-offs. The judge told her that he would not order that. That whatever DH does during his time with the child is his choice. We also live 14hrs away(1-way) so its a very long drive to pick up my SD. There is no way I am going to miss out on that time with my DH and my SD. We really enjoy our long drives together. All of our kids enjoy it.
The BM has acted crazy during most of the pick-ups mainly focusing her anger on me while refusing to allow DH his time with his child. The cops have been called on occasions as well. We park in the street so we are not on her property. I stay in the vehicle until my SD comes out. Once she is to the vehicle I always get out and give her a big hug. I don't care if the BM hates this it's what I've always done and always will do. My SD is always so happy to see me that sometimes she's even crying and just clings to me. Of course, sometimes those tears are brought on by the horrible actions of her mother too. No matter what the BM says or does I never retaliate in anger(this sometimes takes a LOT of strength to do). I usually stay quiet or I will kindly ask her to please not do this in front of the kids. Once we are in the vehicle we tell SD we are so happy to see her and we are very sorry she had to see her mother act that way. Sometimes the BM will scream lies about me for my kids to hear. My young kids have learned to plug their ears with their fingers if she starts screaming. They don't even look her way since she pointed her middle finger at them before. Once we drive away everyone finally relaxes and we enjoy the long 14hr drive back home.

Stupid's picture

Ladies,Ladies now step back for a moment. Your ex is your ex for a reason. Think back. On the BM side, so you really want him back? There is a reason you split! On the SM side! There is a reason they split! Now the issue. STOP IT You are fucking your kids up!!!!
Yes he was a complete asshole and yes she was a frigid bitch. You obviously had the same feeling for ever how many kids you have. I had to deal with a SM mother who didn't know both parties could get along. I only hope she has sense changed. I am now a SP and wish BM would just calm down. I have the unique privilege of seeing from both sides. When one or the other can't see where the other is coming from or even try that is when the hell starts. "I wrote a lot from this point but deleted it all because sometimes what is the point. People thrive on confilk. If they focus on that they don't have to look to closely on their own life. It is now 3:32am and going to bed hoping SS have given up on snicking out for this weekend.

Robertsgirl32's picture

These are my thoughts on it.  I don't have a problem with my child's step mom which really isn't even her step mom because she's her dads girlfriend I've told her many times I'm glad she is in her life treats her well like her own and her family treats her like there own here is my problem the over stepping is my issue texting me saying what I can and can't do how I should raise her what I should teach her I can't dress her like this or that showing up to parent teacher conferences doctors visited siginf permission slips like she's the guardian those are the things I have issues with.  She puts her noise in our business it would be different if she just sat In the car or what not and he is trying to replace me with her he has said it a few years ago and I made it clear than as it is know it won't happen. But to her credit she does treat my daughter right and she was the one who finally last summer sat us down and said the drama needs to stop and we're all somewhat civil know