Dealing with guilt trips.
I sometimes hear a lot of SM defending themselves on this site and it totally rings true to my own experiences. I am often accused of things that never happened, blamed for things I have no control of, and criticized harshly for standing up for myself.
I could go on with details, but the real issue is in trying to not get sucked into guilt trips. My in-laws are extremely hard on outsiders who marry in to the family, almost to the point of a blatent double standard. I am always trying to figure out how much, how long, and how extensive of put downs and digs I'm willing to put up with for the sake of supporting my husband's relationship with his family.
I don't think any of the BM's, skids, or in-laws are sitting around worrying about weather they did right by me, so why am I always worried that I did something wrong. I have no allusions that I'm perfect, but I certainly don't think I'm resposible for half the stuff that gets laid on me.
I am trying to accept that these people were this way before I came along and will probably always be this way. The irony is that these guilt trips only work because I am the sort of SM who cares. There have been some times when my in-laws stood up for me, but it was a pretty extreme situation and they were defending me agains another outsider (drug dealer boyfriend of SD who was psychically threatening me.)
I would just be interested to hear how other StepMoms/Dads deal with guilt (weather it be from internal or external sources) Does the very nature of being a second or third wife invite judgments and scapegoating, or am I just being First Name - Gull, Last Name - Able?
// Susanna
There is definitely something to be said for saying
F&** it in the face of adversity. My in-laws don't like Wife 1 or 2 much either. Actually, I have made more of an effort with them than many of the other outsiders have. I guess I'm just a stubborn one. I even recieved a hand made quilt from my Mother in law (signifying that I don't completely suck I suppose.) I was told by my MOther in law never to tell my sister in law/her daughter that I had been gifted a quilt because it would enrage her.
LOL I'm thinking at 40 years old it might be time to cut the apron strings and not worry so much about weather Mommy gives someone a quilt or not, but I never really had one of those well nice caring sorts of Mothers so I stopped being emotionaly dependent on family around age 10 or so. It's hard for me to relate to people who feel the need to compete for their parents attention so late in life.
I guess if I had my own family it would be easier to blow of the in-laws, but I think a part of me would really like to have family in my life. I am really active in my spiritual community and that softens the blow of being more or less an orphan in this life. The hard part is that some of my in-laws have been really nice. I hosted Turkey day and my sister in law (who would not be able to attend because BM ordered her children not to be around my skids) helped me do the cooking along with my Mother in Law. I get along ok with some of the other outsiders in the family, they get a hard time of it too.
So, yeah, at the end of the day I can just bring a book and some headphones for when things get ugly. F&* IT!!!
// Susanna
"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan."
Ani DiFranco
I'm lucky...
As far as all my inlaws, but the guilt trips from SDs burn me up. A family therapist once told me, "you are doing more for them than your own kids -- you are overcompensating because you feel guilty that you are not their biological mother. They are using you. Stop." Well said...