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Step child does not want to visit because step parent makes her feel uncomfortable

YaniG's picture


I been around my stepchild for over 10 years. She is 12 years old and has been making my husband and I lives hard. First of all my husband and her mother cannot get along and I don't care to have a relationship with the mother. The reason I say I don't care is because I did try at one point to be civil with her and she tried to cross the line this year and I put a stop to it. All of the sudden the ex feels that I cross the line and now I make her feel uncomfortable. This comes to say that her daughter is saying the same! First of all me and my husband have two girls together a 4 year old and a 9 year old. We have a structure home, rules and discipline which with her mother there is non. Her mother let's her do whatever she wants at her house and when she comes to our house she doesn't like the fact that there are rules. What bother's me the most at this moment is that my step child told my husband that her sister the 4 year old gets on her nerves and bother's her and that I make her feel uncomfortable. That when his not around I treat her differently; she is saying that I only pay attention to my 2 girls, and that I roll my eyes at her and I don't talk to her. She was by court order to come with us for the week and she is refusing for this reasons. The mother also told her that when she turned 12 that she can make her own decisions to come and visit us. Now, I have never try to make her feel uncomfortable. When she is with us I treat all 3 girls the same and even sometimes better than my own. She get's all the attention from everyone! Oh I forgot one more thing also she said that I don't feed her or have enough food. Her mother had text my mother in law that one of the reasons she doesn't like coming is because either I don't have enough food at home or that there is no food for them. This is were my in laws and my husband knew the daughter was lying. Trying to talk to the mother is hard because right away her answer is "you are calling your daughter a lier". I told my husband that yes I do limit talking to her because I know she goes and tells her mother everything and sometimes switches the stories around. My husband has witness and family have witness how I am with my step daughter. When we are out and people ask me if all 3 are my kids I say yes. I never label her as my step daughter to anyone. Also my husband has witness how we get along, we talk, laugh, I make her feel pretty all the time by doing her hair (which her mother never does her hair) and how she comes up to me and hugs me and tells me she loves me. Now a child doing all this must not feel uncomfortable. Any suggestions of what else I can do?

ESMOD's picture

It sounds like your SD is taking notes from her mother.. and letting her feelings color her own feelings towards you.

the primary reason why the 12 yo is to come to your home is to have visitation with her father.  Whether you get along with her.. or not..that is neither here nor there.. because YOU are not the reason for the visit.  

Maybe it's time to disengage a bit more with the daughter and let your husband step up to parent when she is in the home.  He should be the one insisting on behaviors and how she acts and what she does in the home.

At 12... she shouldn't need the level of supervision that the younger kids have.  Your husband should also be reading her the riot act on being mean to her siblings.. and tell her that kind of behavior is not acceptable.  He really needs to be the one to step up.  



didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Then all that is all the more reason why SD shouldn't be around when your DH isn't. Make it clear that you're uncomfortable too, so NOPE to free daycare.  Nothing you do will ever be good enough -anything you say or do will get twisted-even stuff you don't say or do will get twisted. (In the room with her, you "roll your eyes," not in the room with her you're "not hanging out with her." And I wouldn't put it past her to eventually think to accuse you in ways that'll get CPS knocking on your door. 

shamds's picture

As what sd says is classic result of alienation.

i have been married to hubby 5 yrs, we have 2 kids together and ss21 tells hubby how me and our kids are strangers and make him uncomfortable to say a basic hi and acknowledge us and makes the most ridiculous excuses for not interacting with us but he’s been alienated

hubby lost it with his son and said “thats my wife, your stepmum and the mother of your 2 half siblings” and ss didn’t care. I have disengaged from him and do not care about his life, i go about my day as usual.

jam's picture

I have been married to my dh for 15 years. My ss was 11 when we married. Funny how things are always so one silded. SS was living with us & my dh & ss went on a week vaction when ss was aropund 14. When they get home my arrogant ss advises me that they (ss & dh) take vactions every year and that I need to get used to it. A couple months later dh & I are planning a vacation and ss will have to stay at his moms (he lived with us at the time). SS tells his father that he is uncomfortable at his moms so we did not go on vacation.

SS has been estranged from us several times. 1 1/2 years, 3 years, 2 years. We are currently estranged. SS told my dh that he is uncomfortable around jam. What he is really saying is divorce jam and we can have a relationship.

Your sd is her mothers little parrot. She is playing the poor widdle victim. She is manipulating.

My advise. Simply, do not be alone with her. It is not safe. She will twist everything you do and say and she will ALWAYS be the victim and you are villified.


sandye21's picture

I went through the old 'SM makes me uncomfortable' crap for 20 years.  Hard to believe I didn't ask for specifics from DH but once I did, he couldn't come up with a single item.  NOW if she were allowed in my home I would make it a point to make her feel uncomfortable.  !   Lol

Rags's picture

Kids don't get a say regardless of their fee fees.  Feelings are not intellect. They don't matter. What matters is behavior and for kids that behavior is about compliance to standards of behavior and performance.

The answer to a kid expressing feelings of discomfort about visiting a parent should be met with "I'm sorry you feel that way but... that does not change a thing. You will visit whether you want to or not so knock off the made up crap, pull your head out of your butt, and grow up.  You can visit and enjoy yourself or you can visit and be miserable but you will visit."

Now for BM, when BM plays the ""you are calling your daughter a lier" card DH needs to immediately confront her with two clear messages.  1) Yes, our daughter is a liar.  You know it, she knows it, I know it and her grand parents know it so she needs to knock that shit off.  2) BM, you are a manipulative bitch who needs to learn her place. You perpetrate Parental Alienation against our daughter and you will stop it immediately or I will make dragging your toxic manipulative ass to court my favorite hobby and will go to any length necessary to protect our daughter from your sick influence.  Do not make the mistake of pushing me or our daughter with any more of your sick shit or you will suffer."

Then when either SD or BM steps out of line.... apply escalating misery inducing consequences until you find the sweet spot of discomfort that corrects their behavior.  

Often just calling them on their bullshit is enough.  Once they know exactly what everyone knows regarding their manipulative crap continuing that specific behavior is more difficult for them.  Be ready for them to flip the script and change toxic behaviors.  Do not change the model of applying misery inducing painful consequences if their new behaviors are toxic. Eventually pain delivers a lesson.   Maintaining diligent oversight of those with proven history of lies and manipulation with consequences ready to apply may never end.  These types have a tendency to pop their usual shit once they feel relief of pressure to behave.  This is the usual cycle we have gone through with my SS's SpermClan. As long as they are under the hairy eyeball with an immediate smack of consequence ready to apply they remain in line. When they perceive any relaxation of oversight or absence of readily applicable consequence they immediately go back  to their toxic manipulative crap.

Know your opposition, never give them the benefit of the doubt. Be confident and protect yourself and your family. This includes protecting your SD from her BM and from herself.

IMHO of course.