SS8's mom wants to phase his Stepdad out
Hey all,
I am hoping for some ideas or support about an issue my DH and I just don't know how to deal with. My SS8's mother just got a divorce from her husband (she and my DH were never married, or in a relationship, this was her first marriage). Step-dad is a great guy who has maintained a relationship with SS8, seeing him weekly since the split. They were married for four years, and he was the kid's primary caregiver. He coached little league. He read him stories at night. BM is afraid that if her ex gets another girlfriend or remarries he will drop SS8 abruptly, so she wants to 'phase him out' of SS8's life now, to prevent the potential for future hurt. The thing is, ex-SD has not shown any inclination towards this sort of behavior. I don't think he has any idea that she wants to do anything like that. SS8 loves his stepdad. He will be heartbroken when he thinks that the step-dad is trying to spend less time with him. As background, she only told ss8 about the split with step-dad on the day he was moving out, after knowing for months. All of a sudden his lift changed completely. I am worried about my relationship with SS8, because I don't want him to be getting the message that step-parents are temporary. However, we don't know if there is anything we can do to prevent her from doing this. To us it seems cruel and hurtful to both step dad and SS8. It will be a major life shift for him, not seeing his step dad and we're worried he might act out. We want to find a way to help him, and convince her that this is a bad idea. So far we've thought of asking her if she's talked to her ex about her concerns (they aren't speaking), or if she's considered talking to SS8 about how he feels (he'd be devastated, we think).
I honestly think her ex deserves time with the child, after all of his commitment as a parent. He has no legal rights, though. She isn't a bad mom, there's no reason to worry about her as a custodial parent, but I think she's being reactive and immature about her divorce, and not realizing how phasing her ex out might effect her son.
-Worried Stepmom
The relationship has ended so
The relationship has ended so the guy needs to move on.
If not, this will cause problems in his next relationship.
BM is doing the right thing.
You don't say how long
You don't say how long stepdad was in the picture? Also, what does your dh think about this? I don't agree that this is the right thing to do. I think she is doing it more for HER than for her son's future pain. She doesn't want to deal with the ex and it's much easier to get rid of him. No different than a bm who wants to get rid of the biodad...they don't do it for the kid, they do it for themselves.
If I were you, I would have a conversation with the stepdad and see what his plan is. If he really wants to continue being in ss8's life, then there is nothing wrong with him doing that with you and your dh. You don't say how often ss8 is with you and biodad, but if stepdad can come for dinner, or just stop by for a little while, etc. It may eventually fizzle as the boy grows and the stepdad gets a gf/wife, etc. but that should be between the boy and the stepdad.
IMO the relationship will
IMO the relationship will fade on its own, though I understand why BM wants to cut their interaction off now.
All these comments about
All these comments about steps being temporary are really sad. If this is the way you feel, you should not be surprised when a spouse puts the new girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband 2nd to his/her kids. Because why would anyone put a "temporary" newbie in front of their own kids? You can't have it both ways. "I SHOULD BE NUMBER ONE, I SHOULD BE NUMBER ONE!" And then..."steps are temporary..." when it doesn't work out. SMH...
It is interesting to get all
It is interesting to get all of this perspective. I appreciate it, even those of you who disagree with my points are giving me valuable insight. SS8 has known SF since he was about 2, and his BM and SF have been married since he was 4 (four years, half his life). He calls (called?) the guy Dad. We live pretty far away (1.5 hours), and have SS8 every other weekend. We would be happy to include SF in our time with him, but we're too far away, and try to maintain a good and open relationship with BM, we don't want to act behind her back. I truly feel allowing the relationship to fizzle, if it's destined to, naturally would be easier than orchestrating something. I am afraid that if SS8 finds out what his mother did one day, he will be upset. I am also afraid he is already dealing with serious transition, and the more people around him who love him and care for him, the better. Regardless of biological relationship.
I hope those scary divorce rate figures change, as more non-traditional families learn to communicate and co-parent effectively in modern times. I know we aren't perfect, but we try really hard.
I also have to agree with
I also have to agree with my.kids.mom that treating stepparents as temporary is heartbreaking. I tend to think this 70% rate everyone is quoting for blended family divorce is skewed and overblown. Take a look at this piece: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/the-myth-of-the-high-rate-of-divorce/al.... Note, I am a 25+ female with a post-secondary degree, and a decent income, and this is my partner's first marriage. The same was true of BM, except she married before the age of 25, which increases the possible rate for divorce, and she's the custodial parent, and has a less flexible job. She had more going against her. I just don't think it helps stepKs or stepparents to view their situation, and their relationship, as temporary. And I don't plan to act in that way with SS8. I'm there for him, and our relationship is just that, a relationship. Whether my DH is hanging out with us at that moment or not.
My DS has wanted to keep in
My DS has wanted to keep in contact with his ex-SF but I have highly discouraged it. My x-H is the only father-figure he's known, but our marriage ended badly and my son was deeply hurt when his stepdad let his obnoxious bios tease and bully him. My son wants to continue to have a relationship with his x-SF (he still calls him Dad) and if he wants to call or email him, I wouldn't stop him, but I do not want my son around my x-skids.
I know as soon as my son was alone with either x-SD16 or x-SS10, both of them would be telling him every last detail about why the marriage failed, probably gloating about it and bashing and blaming me.
My son wants to do things with his "dad" but there's no way I would allow him to go into that type of hate-filled atmosphere with his x-stepsiblings.