Do I have a chance at getting more custody?
Hi all! I am new but so glad I found StepTalk! I have two step sons but this post is actually about my own custody situation with my ex husband. I want to get some opinions before I go down the road of hiring a lawyer again. Our divorce was finalized 8 years ago and our original settlement and parenting plan gave us each 50/50 custody. The ONLY reason my ex insisted on having the kids 50% of the time was to get out of paying more child support. He was still supposed to pay me $350 a month in child support and I held the kids health insurance coverage. Well, obviously a lot has changed over the past 8 years. I lost my insurance coverage about 4 years ago and made a deal with him if he would put the kids on his health insurance he wouldn't have to pay me the $350 a month in CS. So that's how our arrangement has been since then.
My biggest problem is that he doesn't do anything with/for our kids. It is NOT by any means a fair 50/50 arrangement. His parents have my kids every evening until he gets home from work and then they go home with him in time to shower and go to bed OR they are just home alone until whatever time he bothers to show up. He doesn't take them to any doctors appointments, extra curricular activities, birthday parties, etc. If any of those things fall on his time it is left up to me to pick them up and take them or they don't go. School just started back here this past week. I took the kids shopping for new clothes and bought them both their backpacks, lunch boxes, gym uniforms, supplies, etc. When they came back from his house two days before school was set to start he hadn't bought them ANYTHING.
If the kids need help with projects or anything and they are on his time they end up calling me and we facetime so I can help them since Dad is never home. My daughter has severe allergies and she gets shots once a week and has allergy meds that I pay for every month. He has not taken her to get her shots one time in the two years she has needed them. I have had to pick her up from school on his weeks and take her for her shots then drop her off at his house.
I don't mind doing any of this for my kids but I don't think it's fair that I'm doing so much more with them and spending that extra time with them and we are just calling it a 50/50 time share agreement because they sleep at his house 50% of the time. I REALLY want to petition to have the kids during the week when school is in session, every week, so I can make sure they are where they need to be and doing what they need to do. I ran that idea by him in an email and offered to give him extra time during spring break and over summer break in return but he flat out refuses. He says they're fine and he's not changing anything. Am I wrong here? I can't NOT do these things for my kids but I don't think this is fair at all to me. I own my own company so my work hours are more flexible than his but I don't think that means I should always have to be the one taking off work, being late to my office, etc. and he gets to play the wonderful fun dad.
Opinions please??
How old are the kids? If they
How old are the kids? If they are over 12, what are they likely to say they want? Do they enjoy their time with him? How far away does he live from you? Is there any provision in the CO for splitting costs for things outside of CS? Does what you buy for them total more than what he's paying for their health insurance?
Anyway, those are my questions - I'd consult with an attorney.
I have a 10 year old daughter
I have a 10 year old daughter and a 12 year old son. My son tells me all the time that he hates going to his dad's house. He has a new girlfriend every few weeks and brings them around 24/7. My son says his dad is basically like a big brother and doesn't act like a parent. He lives about 20-30 minutes away from us, depending on traffic. Both of my kids are stressing out about going back to their dad's this Friday because they are worried he still wont' take them to get new school clothes that fit. My daughter has to wear uniforms and has outgrown everything from last year. She is begging me to let her take some of her clothes from my house over there for school next week. It's ridiculous! There is a provision in the CO that all medical costs will be split 50/50 but he has some lame excuse every time I approach him with a receipt. And yes, what I pay for every month triples what he pays in health insurance!!
I think after 8 years, you
I think after 8 years, you have a good chance of getting some changes made to the order at the very least, if not getting custody changed. If he wants 50/50, include that each parent will take the child to appointments, sports, etc on their time, and have him pay for half of extras.
But - beware of how he might try to manipulate/bribe/ pressure your kids to take his side if you do this, is he that type? If he is that type, might want to proceed with caution.
You've been divorced over 8
You've been divorced over 8 years,You are not going to change your ex. You need to accept he is not going to do these things. Your kids are old enough to know what kind of dad they have, Either it's important enough to you that your kids don't go without, or you tell them that's dad's time,They will have to figure it out.
I agree and I have no plans
I agree and I have no plans to try to change my ex. I am just noticing that as my children get older they are starting to seem unhappy when they leave my house and constantly stressed about how everything is going to get taken care of when they go to their dad's. It sucks.
Is it possible your son is
Is it possible your son is telling you what he thinks you want to hear, about hating his dad's house? Or that they're picking up on your stress of worrying about their care there?
Because it doesn't quite jibe with him being the "wonderful fun dad."
The CO still stands. It is
The CO still stands. It is long past time that you file for a CS review. You need to do it every 2 or 3 years depending on what the rules in your State dictate.
The SpermIdiot was responsible for providing insurance for my SS and never did. So he was covered by my employer provided insurance. The industries I have worked it provided top tier insurance. The SpermIdiot's CS was increased by the amount adding him to my insurance cost. For 13 years he failed to provide insurance. When he finally did provide insurance for the last few years of the CO the Judge laughed at him, told him it was too late, and that the insurance he provided was extremely poor and kept him on the hook for the % of CS associated with his mom or I providing the insurance.
If your experience turned out anything like ours, your X's CS obligation would have decreased a bit to cover his costs of providing insurance in lieu of you providing it.
I would combine your request for more parenting time with an increase in CS. That might give you a better position to negotiat with your X for what you want.
Good luck.
You may have a chance if you
You may have a chance if you prove that you are spending more than 50% of the time with them, spending more money, and taking them to all their extracurricular activities and doctors appointments. It would help if you could prove that there is a "Substantial Change of Circumstance." Document everything and keep receipts. Not sure of your state laws but your kids preferrence depending on their maturity may be considered.
It's going to cost you a lot of money to change the CO. Would ex consider going to mediation with you?
I would attempt mediation
I would attempt mediation first. Less costly. Also, is spending $10,000 plus worth it for a CO the next 6-8 years? Crunch some numbers and the court costs may even end up being more than your out of pocket expenses. **Also, if BD isn't agreeing for less time, it will take a judge A LOT to decrease a parents time. Usually drug use, abuse, neglect etc. Not just because he has a GF, attention is elsewhere, and seems uninvolved. You will have a lot to prove.
Do you put in writing to BD money owed for half of expenses? Wouldn't hurt to ask... even if he doesn't pay up, then it will be a good paper trail...