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My mom is mean about my bios and stepkids

MissMaryMack's picture

My mom has always been that grandma that wanted to be the favorite, wanted to buy my kids the biggest gifts and take them on the most expensive vacations but she was never the helpful grandma. I mean that she was all about buying them stuff but could really only spend a few hours with them before she would get annoyed and be ready for me to take them home. Now that I married my DH and have to stepsons as well, it has gotten even worse. I have DS12, DD10, SS11 and SS10. DH and I have been together for four years, married for almost a year. So my mom has had plenty of time to get to know his kids. She has treated them the same way she has always treated my bios, wants to be the "favorite" grandma but doesn't REALLY want to spend much time with them. And that's fine with me... I mean, it is what it is. 

But lately she has actually been slightly mean to all four of the kids and I don't get it. All of a sudden she has started treating my oldest son better than all three of the other kids including my bio daughter. She has him over to spend the weekend all the time and the last time she had him over she took him out and bought him a TON of school clothes even though we had already shopped for all the kids. I called her and told her I didn't really feel right about him bringing hom bags and bags of clothes in front of the other kids, especially BD, as their feelings might be hurt and OMG all hell broke loose. She was totally offended and said she doesn't play favorites but she shouldn't have to treat all the kids the same, especially my DH's kids as they are not her grandchildren. I was shocked. I have never asked her to do or buy anything for the stepkids and she had never said anything like that before... 

Then this past weekend my mom spent three days at my brother and sis in law's new beach house for Labor Day. SIL is also my best friend and she begged me to make the two hour drive on Monday to bring all the kids up so they could hang out and fish, swim, etc. at their new house. So I did. To my surprise, the kids were perfectly behaved and had a great time hanging out with everyone. Except my mom. They all tried to hug her, talk to her, show her the fish they were catching and she basically had nothing to say to any of them. She was just fine with me but seemed aggravated at the kids the entire day. Now, it's four young kids and they were excited so of course they were somewhat loud and it was chaotic but they are KIDS. She kept saying things to me like "I don't know how you live your life. This is awful. I'm glad you decided not to have a baby. How do you handle having all four of these kids in your house?" I couldn't believe the things she was saying and honestly didn't even know how to reply. She has never said anything like that before and maybe it shouldn't have bothered me but it really hurt my feelings. 

As we were all packing up the cars getting ready to leave I heard her whisper to my brother and SIL "Just think in about 20 minutes they'll all be gone and you guys can enjoy your house again". WTF?!?! Has anyone dealt with a grandmother like this before? My dad passed away a couple years ago and she is super lonely and guilt trips me constantly for not spending enough time with her (she lives three hours away). But she always wants me to leave the kids home with DH and come spend the weekend with her. Or take time off work during the day and drive out and have lunch. Honestly, I have a full time job and four kids in my house. I had bios before I even had the stepkids. She knows I have kids they are a package deal... 

Picardy III's picture

I'd guess most people don't enjoy the company of kids for more than a few hours, especially rambunctious preteens. Even kids they love and care about. 

Sounds like your mother could be kinder and more tactful about it, though.

tog redux's picture

Well, you said it was loud and chaotic but "they are kids" - she may see it as poor behavior. Not all kids are loud and chaotic, especially if their parents don't allow them to be.  My brother used to allow his son to climb all over him and be rambunctious in restaurants and he thought it was "normal" - I thought it was lousy parenting.

It was rotten of her to get your son clothes and not your daughter, but she's right that she owes your stepkids nothing.

MissMaryMack's picture

I agree with you 100%. I actually don't allow my kids to be loud or wild at all. My stepsons can get that way but I stay on top of it. What I meant by them being kids and being loud is that there are 4 kids under the age of 13. Even when they are just talking it's loud. I can't stand chaos and don't allow it period. But when there are multiple kids on a dock fishing, or sitting at a table eating there's not much you can do about them talking... That's kind of what kills me. I can't even imagine how my mother would handle being around badly behaved children!!!

Abay's picture

I'm so sorry. That is really hurtful. Your mom sounds depressed to me. I know it's hard but I would try to work with your siblings to get her some help and hobbies. Losing your spouse at that age is very traumatic (I saw research that the stress levels are equivalent to losing a child and last for about 5 years). So I would try to give her some grace. That said...you have to protect your kids first. They are of the age I think you could talk with them and explain some of the stuff going on with Grandma. Perhaps try to limit time with her and them. You have to remember that you are busy and have a full, rich life right now but she doesn't. She sits around and probably spends a lot of time thinking and because of her loneliness and depression, those thoughts are turning negative. Be patient with her and love her through this tough time but if her behavior gets worse, step up your boundaries with her. 

MissMaryMack's picture

I definitely believe she is depressed about losing my dad and being alone. I have encouraged her to go to counseling and to find hobbies she might like. I have been patient with her for a long time but it's hard when she's being hurtful toward my family. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It sounds like your mom doesn't like children, and can only handle then in small doses. She also sounds petty and self absorbed.

Was she a good mom when you were growing up? How open is communication between you? How is your relationship with your brother? Does your mom play favorites with the two of you?

I don't blame you for feeling hurt, as she basically invalidates your choice to be a mother and the joy It brings you. But that's  between the two of you, while her playing favorites with your blended family is something that can cause harm and undermine the peace of your home. You need to draw a boundary with her regarding the favoritism and steer her away from the empty materialism she prefers, as it's not something that should be encouraged in kids. Maybe emphasize that you prefer experiences over stuff? I feel for you, as she sounds like a difficult person.

MissMaryMack's picture

She was a decent mom when my brothers and I were kids but she could lose her patience quick and I remember a lot of yelling, screaming, and her getting mad at us for any little thing. .And she favors my middle brother very obviously. He and his wife are the ones whose house we were at and they are expecting their first child. My mom is already trying to butt in there and take over the baby. I feel bad for my SIL...

Rags's picture

"Mom, why would you think that I would want to spend time with a miserable mean old lady who is more interested in being adored than being an enjoyable part of her grandchildren's lives or the lives of her own children? Make some meaningful changes and you might find that people will make more of an effort to spend time with you. Until  you do, enjoy being lonely. Love ya. Buh-bye."