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BM wants child support but won't put fDH on birth certificate - just venting

foxycountrymom's picture

My fiance has a BM that was one of those phone calls you get "hi your daughter was born 15 days ago you are a daddy". We had a DNA test done and yes he is. BUT BM WILL NOT put him on the birth certificate. In beginning says it's her baby, blah blah. He offered child support but not until he's on the birth certificate, she said no I dont' want it. Now that I"m prego she wants child support becuase she says it's not fair he helps me and not her. And again he said "I never told you I wouldn't but if you want it we are going to go through the system and you have to add my name to the birth certificate to do that". He wanted to give it to her anyway so went to DSS and they said they couldn't take it out of his paycheck unless the mother instigated it. As soon as we get money to take her to court to get visitation and his name put on the birth certificate - it's very important to him. Now I'm afraid she's going to come back and want back child support really out of spite becuase she's jealous of our relationship. BUT keep in mind when she got prego she dumped my fDH to go back to her ex and changed her number and told him never to call her again. I am so sick of this women!!!!!

foxycountrymom's picture

Oh I don't care if he pays child support, I'm encouraging it. We want to pay it. We tried to get it done but he can't ask DSS to take it out, BM has to request it. She wants us to just give her money and is mad that we won't just hand over cash. It all points back to she does not want to go through the system because she does not want fDH to have any legal strings to the kid becuase as she said "it's her kid" and that's why he not on the BC. He wants to be a good dad but she won't let him more or less now becuase she is jealous we are together and starting a family and she thinks it should be her.

We are always asking if she needs something and she always says no becuase(we have all text messages to prove). When she does ask for something we get it. He also added his daughter to his insurance (much to BM dismay - she liked being on Medicaid). We paid the big bucks to get the DNA test that can be used in court but it takes $2500 to get a lawyer to get all the legal BS done. He can't add himself to the BC without a court order unless the mom concents which is not going to happen.

My concern comes in when we finally do get all this going that BM is now going to come in and say I want back child support and wipe us clean. We have text messages where he offered and offered and she refused but not sure how that would stand up in court. By no means am i against him supporting his daughter at all, i'm just against BM doing stuff just to make our lives hard. When my FDH lost his job a few months ago I even stepped up and helped buy stuff for his daughter to make sure she did not go without. What makes me even more mad is BM WILL NOT get a full time job and sits on her butt and since she works for schools isn't even entertaining getting a summer job. As my dad says, she has champagne taste on a beer budget. We both work full time jobs and work hard for our money. She has no ambition or drive to do better and now that fDH is moving up in the world and is getting happy she is wanting to tear him down....yep sterotypical BM.

nothinforya's picture

She can't collect any CS for the time period before she files a petition with the court. NOT the time of an order, but when she filed the request for an order of CS. Stop buying stuff for BM or the daughter. Instead, put the money in a separate account until the court makes an order. BM's champagne tastes will send her right to the courthouse, very soon. At the time she files a petition, the BD can file a counter proposal himself. You have no standing.

herewegoagain's picture

DO NOT giver her a DIME until she goes through the court or your DH goes through the court and gets everything written down. While some may think they child deserves support from the father regardless, it is the BMs responsibility to then actuallly request it. NEVER give money away to someone like that. She can later claim you never gave her a dime and make you pay all over and who knows what. Every state is different. Start putting some money aside in a separate account just in case, but do NOT give her a dime or buy anything.

misSTEP's picture

Since the paternity has already been established and DSS says the mother has to initiate the CS process, can't he at least go to the courts and have a visitation schedule set up? That would definitely spur her to file for CS.

In my state, I was told to NOT put my son's father on his BC and they still had a CS order that they enforced.

doll faced sm's picture

not so. DD 11's bio dad is ordered to pay CS,, and he is not on the bc. He refused to sign it when she was born, and paternity was established later . To now be added he would have to file a motion for it in court.

misSTEP's picture

He did not contest paternity and, in fact, was at the hospital when my DS was born. I can't remember why they told me it would be better to not have him on the BC, I had just had a baby and was half out of it. Not to mention, a young college student who really didn't have a clue.

foxycountrymom's picture

I guess we could but wanted to use a lawyer since she's a sneaky thing. We don't know all the laws and such. I sat in on a case similar that was before my divorce one and neither of those had a lawyer and it was not very pretty so wanted to avoide that had have everything we needed to get it done and make sure it's done right so we can minimumize stuff that comes back and bite us in the butt.

icehockey101's picture

If you're worried about back support, have him use the online CS calculator to get an estimate. Then each month put that in a savings account. When CS is calculated, he will have money set aside that will help cover any back support costs.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

I think your SO needs to consult with an attorney. He can have his name added to the child's birth certificate and he can motion to have a custody/visitation and child support order in place.

ownpersonalopinion1's picture

My stepdaughter intentionally left the father's name off all her children's birth certificates so she can continue to be on welfare, section 8, food stamps, medicaid, school grants, paid utility bills, TANF, free school lunch and on and on and on. She will have to name the father(s) to collect child support, so she claims to not know just so she can be on the government tit.

Anyway, that is my wonderful, ambitious, motivated stepdaughter's reason to spit out welfare kid after welfare kid with father unknown on birth certificate.


My blood pressure boils just typing.

Kilgore SMom's picture

If she wants cs she needs to go through the legal system and get it. Never pay cash. Always go by a court order. Also, There are group that are free that will help fathers get their rights. In my state anyway. So start looking in your state.

DH found out he had a son when the son was 18 months old and Bm had put another mans name on the birth certificate. SS got taken away from Bm and the grandparents got full custody. They are the ones that asked DH to do a DNA test. DH did the home test and once the result came back he started paying the grandma with money orders. That lasted a year and a half, BM was on drugs so bad the grandparents felt it would be better if DH took full custody. DH had to borrow the money to go to court and do this. Because like ya'll we didn't have it. I've learen in dealing with BM you should always have a court order and follow it to the T.

foxycountrymom's picture

When she first came into the picture and saw I was there she did ask him to sign over his rights. That was never an option in his mind at all. he found out he had a kid and he was going to make sure it had a father. He went through heck to even see the kid. She likes calling the shots in everything, is a spoiled brat and don't like to be told no. And yes, she likes to ride the system. She was soooo pissed when he added the baby to his insurance and told her she had to get rid of Medicaid. If she did or not who knows but he had proof he told her and she has the card. Now she's worried about all her other "benefits" going away which is another reason for her not to go through the system. I'm all for getting help when you need it, I've been there but came off as soon as I had the chance too. It's there for help, not a job option but that's a whole other topic. She can't afford to put the baby in daycare and we can't pay the whole bill since I already have two in it. If she would get off her butt and get a full time job she could get daycare help but they don't grant it to part time people. Grrrrr

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

People often misundestand the whole "signing over rights" thing. 99% of the time if a bioparent is going to sign over rights, there has to be another person willing to adopt the child. Courts are not going to creat single parent entities that can burden the taxpayers.

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

Your dh can have himself put on the birth certificate. You file a motion with the court for legitimation. Bm will be served by sheriff and will have to either acknowledge or deny paternity. I am not sure what happens if she denies it but I am sure that because there was a paternity test done there are ways around it. Because there was a paternity test he may not even have to have bm served, it may just be through the court. Once the baby is legitimated a new birth certificate is issued with the fathers name and it permanently replaces the existing one

Rags's picture

Your DF needs to use your state's online CS calculator to estimate what his CS obligation to his child will be and pay that in to a dedicated account starting immediately. That way when you finally get to court if they do order back CS he can just pay it.

IMHO there is no need for your DF to file for paternity. Let BM do it. Your DF can answer her petition when he is served.

The key is to take control of the situation now, learn every rule, regulation, etc... and when DF does finally get a CO for visitation/support know it inside and out.

Start keeping a journal of every call and conversation with BM, every bit of inane blather she spouts, record every telephone call (if legal in your state), save every V-mail, E-mail, Text, etc..... It is all potentially valuable in future court action.

The difficult part of dealing with the blended family dream is never lapsing in holding the toxic oppostion accountable for their crap and to keep as much control, influence and power over them as possible.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.


foxycountrymom's picture

Thanks, We did that but when he lost his job we ended up having to use it to pay bills until he found a new job. But now he's got her on his health insurance so at least that gets taken out of what he owes.

Rags's picture

Insurance is most often awarded in addition to CS and will usually not reduce any CS arrears. I would suggest getting back on the pay CS to an accunt plan and be ready for back CS when this finally ends up in court. Invariably it will and unfortunately it is the NCP that invariably gets hammered financially.

The good news is that once CS is set any back CS is usually reovered at a rate of ~$50/mo depending on what state you are in. Back CS is awarded and you have the money in the bank be very careful about paying BM other than through the direct payroll withholding of CS. Often any additional payments directly from your DH to the BM will be considered to be a gift by the courts.

When my SS's SpermIdiot ran from process servers before our last court date back CS was awarded once he showed up for court. Recovery was ordered for back CS at $50/mo which is the highest rate of recovery allowed at that time in OR. I believe $50/mo recovery or CS arrears is still the max in many states.

IMHO of couse.

Good luck.

foxycountrymom's picture

In NC insurance is deducted from CS payments. We got that info from the lawyer we talked to, just don't have the $2500 needed to hire him LOL

amber3902's picture

I've never heard of health insurance costs deducted from CS payments, either. Maybe that attorney meant if the NCP pays health insurance the cost of the premimums are used in CS calculations, and the costs reduces how much the monthly amount of CS will be.

I'm in SC, and since my daughters are on my insurance policy, the amount I pay for their coverage is one of the factors used to calculate CS.

I'd get a couple more free consulations from other attorneys.

misSTEP's picture

In our state, the insurance premiums were not DEDUCTED from CS payments but they were taken into account when assessing how much CS my DH had to pay. It was pro-rated based on the number of people on the plan (i.e., we had five people on - me, DH, DS and skids, so DH got an income reduction credit based on 2/5th the cost of coverage).

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

No you likely did not misunderstand. Many states offer the NCP a child support discount or credit for paying health insurance premiums. It is state specific thought and not uncommon. Just like NCPs can get a break on CS for travel expenses involved in visitation...again that is state specific.