Inappropriate Father/Daughter Behavior???
I am a somewhat recently single single mother. I have been dating a man for the past 6 month who I knew growing up. We have already introduced our kids as they are older and we didn't feel we needed to wait an extended period of time. My kids are girls ages 15 and 12 and his is a girl age 13. A little background, I am a working mother and I have a home with myself and my two children and I have them 100% of the time. The boyfriend works and has is daughter every weekend, he is almost 40 years old and lives with his mother and step-father and when the daughter comes on the weekends they share his room, they have a bunk bed. Now, I had decided that everyone has their own life, story, background, living situation and I was not going to judge this man based on this unconventional "lifestyle"/ We see each other twice a week on Sundays after his daughter goes back to her mom's and one night during the week, my kids and I do not spend much time with his daughter but he is around my kids at my house....he always come to my house since I have my own house and last night him, my oldest and myself were in the living room just watching TV and I don't specifically recall how/why the topic of "titty twisting" came up but he told us that his daughter titty twists him all the time and he does it back to her and my first reaction was "No you don't" and he said "yes I do" and I said "You DO NOT touch your 13 year old daughters boobs" and he said that yes, if she titty twists him he always does it right back to her and I was so taken aback that I don't quite recall how the conversation went from that to him basically "admitting" that when she stays over she sleeps on the bottom bunk with him. I said something like "You shouldn't been sharing a bed with your 13 year old daughter (or touching her boobs in any way shape or form)" and his response was that she's comfortable with it so that's where she sleeps...the whole time we've been dating I assumed she slept on the top bunk, it's even set up with a curtain around it for her privacy (or so I was told). After hearing my "opinion" on how he shouldn't be titty twisting his 13 hear old daughter or sharing a bed with her he got up and went outside, I had to leave (with my oldest) to pick my younger kid up from a birthday party, I did not see him before I left or when I got back. About an hour after I got back he came and got his bag and said he was leaving, I was already asleep and just went back to sleep and we have not contacted each other since. I am not sure if he felt like I was attacking him and his daughter with my opinion or if he felt ashamed, he had also said something like "If I was rich I'd have my own place and she's have her own room" but I told him that irrelevant as even though they share a room when she comes over she has her own bed and should not be sleeping with him in his. I am actually posting this to see if 1. I should just let the relationship go as we obviously have vastly different opinions on what is and is not appropriate regarding fathers and teenage daughters 2. Will I have dogged a potential bullet by letting this relationship go? I was looking on-line about extremely close father/daughter relationship and came across Mini Wife Syndrome and it seems to sort of fit them, she is 13 and always attached to his hip and "daddy daddy daddy" and he even made a comment recently when we had all the kids and his family at a water park about how she was going to be jealous and give him a hard time because he did not stay with her the entire time. 3. There are certain other factors in our relationship that I have been "on the fence" about as well, could this just been the straw breaking the camel's back? I'm an intelligent independent woman and think I know the answer, but I just wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience and what did they do? And what do people think about the "titty twisting" and bed sharing???
You just outed a perv and he
You just outed a perv and he scrammed. Doesn't matter how "old" a friend he is, just thank your lucky stars you dodged a bullet.
Of course it's not normal for a man to sleep with his 13 yr old daughter, let alone touch her breasts. No "independent, intelligent woman" should even have to ask such a thing. I wonder if you are trolling us?
If you are for real, don't let him near your kids, in fact, warn them about him.
I've actually just spent the
I've actually just spent the last hour and a half taking to my kids about the whole situation and I've been talking to my best friend about it too. I am not "trolling" I just sometimes think I have very strong opinions about things and have a hard time seeing the "other side" of things. I have read a bunch of articles all morning where people seem very divided between what's ok and not ok when it comes to kids sleeping with parents and I for one am on the side that at a certain age it needs to stop and that teenage daughter/father and teenage son/mother bed sharing is just full on inappropriate, but a lot of people seem to disagree....when it comes to the inappropriate touching, that is where I'm just taken over the edge, maybe I just needed to vent and perhaps see that other people agree that it's inappropriate and that I'm not just being crazy. Since this all came to light I've actually been wondering if the mother knows about this...about the bed sharing and if anyone "knows" about the "titty twisting"...is this something they do in public at the store? In front of family? Does the family think it's weird/inappropriate? Why does the daughter continue to "titty twist" her dad knowing his response is going to be to do it back? Why hasn't he just told her not to do it anymore because it's rude and an invasion of personal space? About "outing a pervert and him scramming", it kind of makes sense, I'm sure the look on my face when he said these things was a mix of shock and repulsion. I also think that signs of their oddly close relationship have been there all along and this is what opened my eyes to it and I'm glad it did before I invested any more time and energy into the relationship.
Everything SMforever said.
Everything SMforever said. And let me add.... :sick:
If you are an intelligent and
If you are an intelligent and independent woman as you say you are... you dont think that you know the answer. You definately know the answer.
Write this loser POS and his toxic father/daughter relationship off and let them fade in your rear view mirror as you continue on your own successful life. You dont need to tie your star to a rescue project and his progeny.
Take care of you and your own. When you find a man of quality to be your equity life partner you will know it without question.
IMHO of course.
Thank you. I think I have
Thank you. I think I have actually known in the back of my mind for most of the last 6 months that I should not be dating this man. I have been trying really hard not to judge him just because he doesn't have a good job or make much money (I do have a good job and make a decent living and end up having to foot the bill all the time), or because he lives with his mom at almost 40 years old, or that he's a grown man with a bunk bed in his room that he shares with his daughter on the weekends (I have wondered countless times why a 13 year old would even want to share a room with her dad much less sleep in the same bed)....and as think back to comments here and there I can see where their relationship is toxic not to mention super strange. For whatever reason I guess I needed the signs to come at me like a Mack truck to open my eyes and make the choice to, like you said, put this relationship in the rear view!
And you didn't report him to
And you didn't report him to the authorities because????
I kept reading because I
I kept reading because I expected the OP to say she reported the creep.
This is more than
This is more than "inappropriate", it's sexual abuse of his daughter. He was likely telling you to try and normalize it in his mind - if you are ok with him doing it, then it's not wrong. It's flat out sexual abuse, and may progress as she gets older. You need to call CPS now.
As to why she keeps doing it
As to why she keeps doing it - all young teens are somewhat inappropriate, and we as the adults, need to teach them what is appropriate. She is desperate for his love and attention, and if that's what it takes for her to get love, she will do it. He hasn't set any boundaries with her, and seems to be encouraging it, and that is what is creepy and abusive.
The fact he is 40 years old
The fact he is 40 years old and lives with his parents should have sent you running for the hills. Sleeping in the same bed as his teenage daughter and touching her boobs for any reason should have you calling authorities, and blocking him from contacting you in any way, shape or form.
I think the first thing you
I think the first thing you need to do is call CPS, right now, and report this.
Then, have a long, hard look at why your first reaction was to go on a forum full of strangers and ask if this is the right relationship for you??? I think your compass is way off in terms of your priorities here. Why have you allowed the blinkers to remain on in the face of other, more 'subtle' evidence of dysfunction or inappropriate interactions? You are doubting your instincts even now, wanting to check you aren't 'crazy'. What other evidence do you need that this guy some serious issues??? His behavior and judgement are so off here, but then so are yours.
You have a responsibility to be extra vigilant about anyone you let into your childrens' home/lives as a single parent, not less. It sounds like you have had a very casual attitude and very few boundaries about vetting this guy thoroughly over time prior to introducing him just because your children are not 'young'. Our children are vulnerable to abuse at any age, and you are supposed to be the gate keeper. Research the statistics about increased risk for abuse for children who live with/spend time with an unrelated adult, especially for girls. You could have avoided exposing your daughters to this man had you been more discerning PRIOR to allowing him around them and then actually listened/responded to the warning signs. I think you should reflect on the risk you have exposed your family to and the message this will have sent to your daughters. You have some explaining to them to do about your decision making process and lack of mobilization for their safety in the face of warning signs.
I hope you spent the last hour and half talking with your children about whether they have ever experienced anything inappropriate with this guy and not asking them for advice or opinions on what is your adult stuff to handle. This is called parentification.
Lastly, change the locks if he has a key and end this relationship. Protect your children and work on your self before getting involved with another partner. Work on your boundaries, trusting your instinct, your own map for relationships, and your ability to protect them over and above your own needs for love or validation. At best, this is a lucky escape for your children.
we call them Purple Nurples,
we call them Purple Nurples, here. I do it to DH all the time when he's annoying me, and though he tries to return the (un)favor he never does it anything less than gently.
If he ever did it to one of my girls, I'd have him out of here so fast his head would spin.
If he left because you gave him your opinion, he's shown you that he's not open to discussing it - not open to see your perspective on it - not open to change anything about it - and he's basically just shown you that his interactions with his daughter are more important than your level of comfort/happiness.
Let him go. If he acts this way about you sharing your perspective on reasonable boundaries when it comes to physical interactions between a grown man and 13 year old girl, I would imagine there's a reason why he's still living with his own mommy.
People have circumstances that make them live in awful places - I lived in my car for a while - so I can understand not wanting to judge someone based on their living circumstances... but it sounds like yes, you definitely dodged a bullet with this one.
Don't call him - if/when he calls back, just tell him you're not comfortable with the level of shared intimacy between a grown man and a young girl, that it's best to discontinue the relationship if he feels differently, because you worry that your girls would be subject to the same treatment and you wouldn't have their best interest at heart if you didn't protect them from a man who thinks nothing of twisting his own daughter's nipples and having his own daughter sleep next to his morning wood.
This is sexual abuse. You're
This is sexual abuse. You're aware of it. You need to call CPS, end of story.
I have to say I agree with
I have to say I agree with this. ^^^^^
If you're unsure of whether or not an issue exists, let CPS figure it out. I feel pretty confident that a report of a man fondling his young teen daughter's breasts is going to garner a visit by the authorities.
No question marks needed,
No question marks needed, yes, that is inappropriate behavior and there's no way in hell I would continue going out with this creep.
Gross on soooo many levels.
Gross on soooo many levels. 40 years old and living w/mommy. Sleeping w/his teen daughter and twisting her nipples. Disgusting. As suggested above, call CPS. This is not normal in any way, shape or form. Can you imagine him being a father figure in your own daughters life? NO no no.
How in the world did you meet this guy???
Call the cops and CPS if you
Call the cops and CPS if you are not a "sushi roll". If you are for real you know that is the only course of action.
Never heard that
Never heard that expression... what does it mean?
I told SO about this post
I told SO about this post last night and he couldn't even formulate a response he was so disgusted. I forgot to mention the girl was 13 until the end of the story and he was still speechless.
"I have been trying really
"I have been trying really hard not to judge him"
There is a big difference between not judging someone and ignoring red flags.
You know that a 40 year old living with his parents and not working to his potential is not a potential mate. That's not being judgemental, that's being observant.
Add in the sexual nature of his relationship with his daughter and you've got a grade A looser.
I understand coming to a forum and asking if it's just you or if he really is a deviant. I'm a strong independent woman too. I go overboard sometimes and think that my way of thinking is the only way.
It is nice to have other random people tell you you're right.