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My stepdaughter is excluding her father

angusfish's picture

I'm living with my boyfriend of 12 years and am a "stepmother" of a 17-year old girl who hates her father. My SD is in foster care in another state and I've been working with her since her mother died a year ago to reunite her with her estranged father (my SO).

Her father has a mild form of autism (non-diagnosed) and can be difficult to get close to. I have managed to do so since I understand his condition and have learned to work with it.

The father/daughter relationship has been estranged since her parents divorced in 1999, but she has become fond of me and my family over the past year. Now I'm in a position where she wants to include me in things and exclude her father! *facepalm*

She recently came to our town for a spring break visit and stayed with my adult son and his family as she really loves them and didn't want to stay at our house. She invited me to come visit and when I told her "we" would come over, she informed me that she only wanted to see me and not her father. Did not want to see him at all.

I explained to her that I would not exclude him and that our family doesn't exclude people in family functions. I stood my ground because I refuse to give in to anyone's emotional blackmail, let alone a teenagers'. Since she's so bent on hating her father, she wouldn't change her mind, so neither one of us went to visit. I'm not sure what I've just done to the relationship with my SD, but I suspect, if nothing else, I've given her something to think about.

I'm in the middle of a father/daughter feud and trying to set boundaries with both of them. I hate the chaos, stress and heartache this causes everyone and I really don't know how to deal with it all sometimes. I don't know who to turn to for help and support. Her father relies on me to help him through this and I feel very unqualified for the job. :-o

Her high school graduation is coming up and I already know she does not plan to invite her father to commencement and he just informed me that he's going. I feel like I'm in the middle of a bad dream and just want out.

Anyone have any general advice/thoughts on this big disaster in my life?

Comments

angusfish's picture

She was raised to hate her father due to the divorce and what was said about him by her BM. He has gone through therapy, worked with counselors, taken parenting classes, written her letters, sent cards, tried talking to her via phone for over 10 years (they live in different states) and she refuses to have anything to do with him. The last time they lived together or had any contact for more than a few days was in 1999, when she was 3 years old.

Because of his condition, he can be to-the-point and very analytic (he's a geek), so not a warm/fuzzy person, but not a monster either. I've heard some of their conversations in the past year and didn't hear anything untoward.

Of course, neither of them have fully confided in me, so your guess is as good as mine right now. Sheesh.

Kilgore SMom's picture

I think you handle the visit well. And what you told her about families not excluding each other. You and DH should have went to your brothers house. SD in blaming DH without giving him a chance to hear his side or get to know him. She may be scared of being abandon. I'm sure she feels that way since her mother pasted and shes in foster care. DH has done alot to try and improve himself so that he could have a relationship with her. SD may not be mature enough at 17yrs old to be able to forgive and move forward. DH is like a stranger to her and with her mother being dead, its easier to blame him than it is BM. No matter whos fault things were. Sounds like shes very confused and angery. I would let it rest. But if she wants to be a part of your family that would include your DH also.