Your relationship with BM
im interested to see how much of a relationship you all have with the BM in your life.
BM and i dont talk. At all. She hates me and has so much animosity towards me (she feels the same about her ex-husband, who is now my fiance).
I know SD is well aware of her mom's hatred of me. i know this affects her ability to build any sort of positive relationship with me. We get along ok but she's very guarded and we are not close. at all.
i have reached out to BM via text on several occasions to extend the olive branch. once was an offer to share pictures i took of SD at a recital. no reply. once was to ask her to meet for coffee to talk. no reply. once was to ask her if SD had any dress shoes to wear as she needed them for an event and i was taking her to get an outfit. no reply. the last one was to simply say that i wanted to resolve our differences for the benefit of SD adn that i was willing to try if she was. no reply. these messages were sent over the span of nearly a year.
everything ive read says its obviously in the child's best interests if all parties get along. i know this was a chunk of the curricululm of the parenting class that the courts require here in our state (MA) for anyone divorcing with minor children.
im not expecting us to get our nails done together. but you think she'd want to get to know her daughter's future stepmother since the child does spend a fair amoutn of time with me (and it is very likely to increase in the near future).
i guess its too much to expect logic and sound thinking from BMs?
I'm curious...I'm not a BM
I'm curious...I'm not a BM but just a SM. Let's just say that your ex was marrying his new GF do you really want her to try to contact you and be nice? Or even meet her? I'm just curious to get a BM's perspective on this whole SM thing. I had to meet my BM before I could be around SD. I didn't mind, I probably would too if I was in her shoes. She then wanted to go to lunch, I declined the invitation.
As a BM I never wanted to
As a BM I never wanted to meet exH's girlfriends. The one he married was only the second woman he dated after we split up. I decided I had to trust his judgement in regards to whom he allowed around our daughter. As long as DD is not being abused and mistreated I am okay. I never felt that I needed, or wanted to, be involved with the people he chooses to spend time with. The only reason I have had any contact with his wife is because they forced it upon me by her being the one to meet me for exchanges, and her being the one to call with questions, etc. That has not happened in a while though because I asked for it to stop and it finally did. The way I looked at it, as a BM, is that I didn't pick her so there is no reason that I need to have contact with her. She's not who I adopted my child with. As far as from a SM point of view...same thing, I'm not the one that married and had a kid with BM, so I don't have to have anything to do with her.
Stop wasting your time.
Stop wasting your time. Expending energy on getting the BM to talk to you is wasting your energy, time, etc. Be as good to your SD as you can and forget about BM being civil. She probably doesn't want to talk to you because she is jealous of you and what you have with her ex that she herself couldn't achieve, even if she is the one that wanted the divorce in the first place.
I've been in your shoes and it has been pointless. As soon as I think SS7's BM is off the crazy train and going to be rational something happens and I'm always to blame. (Yes, I am the mean ugly SM that makes her not have enough money, good clothes, decent home, etc.) Truly, I get blamed for stuff that I wasn't even a part of because her jealousy and pettiness runs so deep. I stopped trying. I only converse when I absolutely have to. It has set my mind at ease and I no longer fret about her or her screwed up parental ways. As long as SS7 follows the rules in my house when he is there, it's all good.
Relationship? BM and I have
Relationship? BM and I have no relationship. In the beginning I reached out to her and did the whole nice thing, until she would talk sooo much shit about me to SO and send him pictures of her and underwear she was buying. After this, I do not want to be anything with her. I feel as a SM, I don't need to be involved with her. BM has texted me a couple months ago saying that we should "be good" for the sake of her daughter. I didn't feel the need to reply becuase we could be good for about a week until her and SO fight again and then I'm an the shit list again even though I have "nothing to do with her daughter". Obviously your BM doesn't want to get along with you and it's probably for the better. I'd stay away from BM and not try to reach out anymore. Plus if you are taking her to an event and SD needed dress shoes, just buy them for your house. That's what we do, SD has her own things at our house. You don't need to share clothes etc. And whatever SD comes in goes back to her mom's house.
My husband didn't want to
My husband didn't want to have any kind of relationship with her, why would I?
In 17 years, I have talked to her maybe 5 times. Neither DH nor I have talked to her at all in about 4 years (SD is 22).
I do not like or hate BM.
I do not like or hate BM. She is not a necessity in my life. I tried once because I too felt it was best for my SD, but I doubt that it would have made things easier on SD. BM hates my DH and that is where the root of the problem is. IF she doesn't have respect for him I will be damned if I give her any respect either.
I have no relationship with
I have no relationship with BM. I have never tried to contact her. I have only met her 3 times: SD's high school graduation, the day SD moved into her dorm, and SD's college graduation. SD is older, but even when she was around 15, DH stopped having SD as regularly, and I left everything up to him. It was nice to not have any reason to deal with her.
As a BM myself, I'm not sure if I would want any contact with a future SM. I guess it would depend if DH and I were civil after a divorce. If we were civil, then I guess it would be ok to at least know who the SM is, but if we had barely any contact, I think minimal contact would be best. DH is older, so I don't think he would either be interested in having our kids around enough to need a woman to "help" him, nor do I think he really would want to be in a real relationship ever again. He has told me many times that he will never remarry if we were to divorce or if I were to die.
I am a BM as well as a future
I am a BM as well as a future SM. I have three biokids with my exhusband, DS16 (17 in Feb), DD14 and DD7 (8 also in Feb). I get along quite well with my exhusband. He did get remarried but it ended.
Here's the thing: I WANT A STEPMOTHER FOR MY KIDS TO LOVE THEM, HELP MY EX TAKE CARE OF THEM AND I VALUE HER OPINION. That being said, yes, I still am the mom and in the end any major decisions will be made by my ex and I but why the hell do I want someone who could give a shit about my kids? No, I don't want her to have to be a nanny or full time caregiver. That's not her problem. If my ex is going to date or remarry, I want someone my kids will love, someone who will add to their lives and be there for them like my FDH is as a future stepdad.
The SM my kids have had some emotional issues. They got married way too quick and she ended up alienating my ex's entire family. This eventually spilled over into my relationship only because she demanded I cut my own kids off from their extended family. Sorry, lady, I can't do that. As a result, I became the devil. Ironic.
The BM's that purposely pull this alienation bullshit and hurt their kids should be shot. I have never and will never allow that to happen to my children. Their father and SM and I were in screaming matches after a time due to SM's resentment of me not supporting her against the family but I never prevented my kids from seeing their dad nor did I allow them to be disrespectful brats. Some of the crap I read on here that kids say to their SM's? I would rip my kids in half if they ever behaved that way to their SM! If she verbally attacked them, I told them they could defend themselves but woe to the kid who started something. Respect and consideration at all times was my motto for them.
If you are an insecure BM or bitter or nasty, you will be a bitter bitch to your own kids, your ex, and any poor woman coming in. Be a damn adult and look at what this woman can do for your kids. you don't have to like her, you do however have to acknowledge her as a good person to your kids.
Too bad my future skids' mother is too much of an insecure Golden Uterus to be such an adult.
I wish you were the BM in my
I wish you were the BM in my life!!!
Well if my ex husband would
Well if my ex husband would have the balls to divorce the nutty SM (they haven't spoken in A YEAR but she is living in a house that she is not on mortgage - he and former FIL are), I could be LOL
Hahahahaha!! I think I have
Hahahahaha!! I think I have read about your SM "situation". She seems crazy!! BM in my life is just so immature....
me too!
me too!
You summed up exactly how I
You summed up exactly how I feel as a BM. I've hammered it into my daughter's head from day one that I will not tolerate any disrespect towards her dad or her SM, unless, its in self-defense, of course. I've told her this in front of them too, so that she knows they are aware of how I feel and that they can come to me with any issues.
These BM's who try to cause issues with the SMs are only hurting their kids. Why would you not want as many people as possible to love and care for your children?
I am having an issue right now with DD's SM nit-picking every little thing I do in front of my DD....that is going to have to be addressed.
You women get it...I think
You women get it...I think because you are a BM and a SM. I don't want to be mommy to SD. I just want her to be comfortable and feel welcomed and cared for at our house. I agree, my BM is only creating issues for her daughter later on down the road. SD is 3 and will occasionally say, "Mommy doesn't like you FTMandSM." I say "That's ok but I love and care for you, SD." My SO and I are worried that since BM doesn't like me and she tells SD that all the time, then SD won't like me just because BM doesn't. Which may happen, I can't predict the future. I can only do so much.
I don't have a relationship
I don't have a relationship with BM. I mean, we are polite to each other when we are around each other, but I'm pretty sure she pulls a smear campaign against me in regards to SD15. I have absolutely no contact with her, however, unless it is absolutely necessary.
We are cordial to each other.
We are cordial to each other. I actually met her when my partner and BM were still married and twin SKs were 18 months old. (They're 5 now.). My partner and I were coworkers before they divorced. He and I started seeing each other about 18 months after that. BM and he were divorced shortly after I met her. She seemed rather eager for me to like her -- it was strange.
BM seems to try really hard to make me like her even now. She has strange small talk with me at pick ups/drop offs and will send me pictures of the kids or drawings. When we were in court last, she was even singing my praises about the relationship I have with the twins. My relationship with her is pretty strictly business with the kids. She sometimes deviates and complains about her life or my partner and that's where I have to shut her off.
She's been good to my face but she's also been nasty in the past. She told my partner and twins on more than one occasion that my partner was with me only because I'm "young and skinny." (I'm 2 years younger than my partner and 5 years younger than BM. We're all in our 30s... She's overweight -- not my fault.) She also told my partner and the kids that I'm not a "real woman" because I haven't given birth. Unsurprisingly, she is downright nasty to my partner and treats the kids like they're still 18 months old...
So, uh, we get along so long as it's only about the kids. I don't like her, I don't have much respect her, but I appreciate that she's cordial and acknowledges the positive relationship I have with the kids. It's best for the kids in the long run, anyway.
Relationship with the BM?
Relationship with the BM? NONE!
It will never happen. She to much of a person who wants to run the whole show and it is not going to work.
She has embedded her self into my husbands family where it is none of her business. Her excuse is she has to take the kids to his family so they can visit which is a crutch she leans on to no let go!!!! We are suited to take the children around the family WITH OUT HER HELP!!! but since she insist to do so and it does not help that his family plays alone. We no longer visit his side of the family anymore nor does he have any interest to ever step foot into that town again.
She has tried her best to use the children to get him to travel 3 hrs to her town to do things and she was more then open to provide room and board for him. ( I sure bet she does) I told my husband he choose this route to pack his shit and don't come back because I would have a set of divorce papers waiting for him if he is so stupid to think this is acceptable.
She had ran us through the court system for 4 years after we got married and all the traveling for 4 hours between the city we lived in before pretty much broke our bank in the 3rd year we had no way to having enough money to go pick up the kids for the summer nor feed them through the summer and she through a big fit about them not being with us that summer that she got in her vehicle and brought them down herself and cried on the MIL shoulders about the food situation and got her to spend her Social Security check to buy the food for the children to have something to eat that summer. So she would not be stuck with them that summer. turn around picked them up and through us back into court again a week later!! We rolled over our electricity bill that month to afford to drive 4hrs for his court date and spend a night in a park! a day before the date because we could not afford a hotel room.
This messy BITCH has cost us nothing but money and if it wasn't for moving in with my family for a little while to get up on our feet, we sold our home and move in around the area I grew up in and was able to get back up and living a little bit of a normal life in the last three years I guess the bitch kind of figured out she is losing at this game. Ha as a matter fact her playing this game caused her lose her house and move in to a two room shack she has to pay rent too. WE gain a house from my inheritance. WE live in a more decent house then she does. She is very bitched about it. She has already accused me on several occasions that I sell drugs and some how she is going to find out
yea what ever bitch! you keep dreaming that dream. "ROLL EYES"
Don't have a relationship of
Don't have a relationship of any type with her, and I don't want one.
She has made it abundantly clear that I'm "just" a stepparent and therefore have no say or bearing on the raising/care of the skids. She has changed her tune now that she's remarried and wants her husband to have more of an input, but our stance remains the same.
Parents handle the raising and decision-making regarding kids. Stepparents support or are involved to the extent they feel comfortable within the confines of their own marriages and households. BM is blocked on my phone and email accounts, so any attempts to contact me directly are never received.
I don't talk with BM. Never
I don't talk with BM. Never have. In fact, that may be for the best.
I did, however, try to extend an olive branch. I did try to say hello to her when I saw her once. Not to be buddies, but to try to be cordial. She didn't respond.
It would be nice for the kids if all the parties- moms, dads, stepmoms and stepdads-found a way to work together civilly for the kids. In this case, it's too bad BM didn't feel the same way.
DONT DO IT! My relationship
DONT DO IT! My relationship with BM is zero now. About a year into SOs and our relationship BM dedided she really wanted to be my friend. When I say friend I mean lile friends go out for coffee and such friends. I still think she had some sort of alterior motive. We did however communicate since SD7 and I have a great relationship snd she was opening up to just me. BM asked me to start writing my own blurb on exchange emails. Thats said whenever something happeneed that she didnt like it was all my fault even if I had nothing to do with it. Even if it was more about her and SO. I think we communicated for about 4 months maybe. And I would get disrespectful emails and nice ones a complete roller coaster emotionally with her. Then one day she sent me an email that I just could not walk away from with any ounce of self respect and when I was confronted with screaming on an exchange day that was that. If BM absolutely has no choice but to call me she will and that is fine we have dealt with eachother 2 times in the last year. This is only because SO works out of town. BM, when she went off the deep end, made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me. She does somehow still manage to drag myself into drama and blame me for everything. That said life is sooooo much left stressful now that there is no relationship whatsoever. Do not waist your time! Anything to do with BM is your SOs job. That said I do edit his emails for him so they are not emotionally charged with hate lol.
IN MY Case i felt like i had
IN MY Case i felt like i had to include the BM in our circle. at first i wanted nothing with her. I would say hi when being around her but i had to change that because it felt like she tought she could still contact my husband for any reason, bored, flat tire etc ....anything to make conversation with him. She had no boundaries and was still very much codependent of my husband and every guy she dated wanted nothing serious with her. So I noticed that because i didn't want mom inside our home or conversating with my husband their kids my bio kids were resenting me for that. So i contacted her and told her that i was okay in having a relationship with her if it made my step kids happier and i introduce her to my guy friend and they are now dating and she has stopped contacting my husband and everyone seems happier.
I tried to meet BM when I
I tried to meet BM when I started babysitting SD. I thought it was the right thing to do. She threw a big fit & ignored me, saying she wasn't going to meet me on "yals terms" she was going to meet me when she was ready.
Later she was begging DH to have my # when we were engaged & moving in together. I told himw ahtever, I didn't care. She tried to be all buddy buddy, I didn't like her - she annoyed me. I blocked her calls and texts. Haven't seen or heard from her in 6-7 months.
Its weird seems like as soon
Its weird seems like as soon as you hit serious points in your relationship BMs all the sudden decide they want a relationship.
Mine is too crazy. And not
Mine is too crazy. And not just because she's a loon, but she's also unpredictable and unstable. Her own family thinks she's a bitch, her sister moved to Europe to get away from the toxicity.
I was cordial in the beginning, then turns out she was badmouthing me all around town. I didn't get upset or anything, I just ignored her. Too many people have now seen her crazy for what it is. Then because she didn't get the rise out of me she wanted, she harassed me to the point I called the police.
She now stays the hell out of my way. If i happen to see her, I pretend she's invisible. Don't give a rats ass if that is childish...
In the beginning, BM tried
In the beginning, BM tried being my buddy. I was cordial, would send her photos via text, and we'd briefly talk about SS. However, she'd give me tips on SS, but I knew she didn't know her own son at all because all the "tips" where wrong.
When she started neglecting her son during visitations, DH cut off contact. BM started texting me asking me to undermine my DH and side with her. When my SS had pneumonia twice, I was the one taking care of him and taking him to the doctors - not her. Her contact with me then turned into 20 texts a day telling me I'm not SS's mom, I don't understand maternal instinct, and so on. She took it to Facebook when I refused to engage her. Her whole family called me horrible names, personally attacked me, accused me of trying to replace her, and so on. I didn't engage her still.
If I'm present during exchanges, BM will try to get my attention by standing on the side of the car I'm in, talking loudly about how much fun SS will have with her, and glance in my direction repetively. BM's mother comes to the exchanges and glares at me the whole time. I use this time to read StepTalk and ignore them.
I never want a relationship with BM. It is never an option for me.
I am married the BM in my
I am married the BM in my life. My SS is an only child in our home. My XW and I fortunately did not spawn ... thank God!
Now the Sperm Idiot and Sperm Clan are a different story. My only relationship with them was to smack them around the head and shoulders with the CO any time they tried to slime out from under their rock to manipulate and poison the waters with their toxic bullshit.