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You are NOT the father! Paternity test

Fedupmama's picture

Every few months it gets brought up, or a comment made about my DH's oldest kid. When I first met my SS's I questioned it, and as I got to know my DH's family, his brother, mother and grandmother all have wondered the same thing. 


I've heard all the stories from DH about his ex coming home with her underwear in her purse, the guys he phoned off random numbers from her phone, the love letters he found (I actually read one haha, barf)...etc. and he was suspicious about his ex and someone around the time she got pregnant with their first. He just recently questioned the suspicious male, and he never denied it but asked my DH "is that what you think?". So DH told his BF about that, who mentioned it to his wife, and now she can see "the link" between his oldest and the male in question. 


I'm just asking if anyone has done a paternity test this late in the game and how did that go after? My DH is tired of it being a re-occuring issue, I'm tired of it being a re-occuring issue. Is it best to just find out and move forward (how I feel) or constantly question it? The reason this has come up, AGAIN now, is our second baby together was born this year and although he resembled my strong features he now looks exactly like my DH's second born when  he was a baby, who everyone said our first baby together looked a lot like. This is all hair colour and eye colour aside because they are all different combinations, but their demeanor and physical traits are all a like, except the one. 



OKtoStep's picture

I guess the only one who's opinion counts in this is your DH. Does he care if the oldest child is biologically his or no? If he's happy with the polite lie then the rest of his family needs to mind their own business and just be happy to have more love in the family.

Curious Georgetta's picture

And more that you know about his relationship with his ex. He sees the same resemblance between himself and you 2 children that you see. 

In summary , he knows and sees all that you know and see, and yet he does not and has never felt the need to request  a paternity test.

If he is satisfied to be identified as the father, what gives you the right to  interject yourself into this particular situation.  Over time, he will likely resent your intrusion into a matter in which you have no standing and in which your input has not been solicited.



Fedupmama's picture

Interject? I don't "interject". I havent mentioned anything of the sorts since the start of our relationship. My DH brings it up as life does happen though always making him wonder. 

STaround's picture

(in many states 2 years), and either he was married to the mother, or signed the birth certificate, it may be too late to do anything about his legal paternity.   what do you hope to accomplish?

tog redux's picture

What would be the end game? Would he stop seeing the kid if it's not his?  He won't be allowed to stop child support.

I guess I don't know who would benefit from this at all, and the kid would benefit least.  Nothing like your family gossiping about your paternity behind your back.

Let it go. And DH needs to tell his family to knock it off, too.   It's his son, for all intents and purposes.

Fedupmama's picture

He still and would always consider himself the father regardless of the outcome. He would still support and raise him. 

It's just a re-occuring subject as life goes on. 

tog redux's picture

It really doesn't have to be a recurring subject, and shouldn't be.

Can I be honest? It seems like you'd like to know that your kids are DH's only "real" kids.  None of this is healthy for anyone. The time to question paternity was years ago, and he chose not to. So everyone needs to let it go.

Also, genetics are weird. It's entirely possible to have a child who looks like no one in the family whatsoever.  So all of this talk about "strong" and "weak" features is just erroneous speculation and not based on any knowledge of genetics.

tog redux's picture

OK, well - either way, everyone needs to stop bringing it up and perhaps consider that he may very well be his son, but even if not, let it go.

MissDenise's picture

I would order a kit and do the test OP. At least you can tell your kids down the road if that one is no relation. I don't understand why people think it's ok to cover for a ex that scammed no only the DH but his family as well. Since you have kids you have just as much say in this. If DH doesn't want to do it you can do it on your own without the kids knowledge. 

ESMOD's picture

I used to be convinced that my YSD wasn't may husband's child.. she was very different than her sister.. but when she became a teen she clearly developed a lot stronger resemblence.

I'm not sure who keeps bringing this possibility up.. but they need to stop.  Your DH needs to tell them that the child is his and that is the end of any discussion.

You need to accept that as well.. 

Besides being a parent is more than just genetics anyway.. and your DH seems as though he considers himself the parent regardless.

Curious Georgetta's picture

for the dad. It seems to be more of a recurrent theme for busy bodies.

You husband might be advised to tell all of these busy bodies to focus less on his relationship with his child and more on their own lives.

Kudos to your husband for knowing what matters to him in his life and not being moved by the intrusion of others.


notarelative's picture

If DH will always consider himself the child's father, he needs to shut down this re-occuring subject as life goes on. You, brother, mother, grandmother, best friend, best friend's wife, and anyone else involved in the speculation need to stop. DH is the (legal) father and will continue to act as such.

Stop before this speculation reaches the child's ears and has consequences for all.


BethAnne's picture

The child will find out someday with this number of people speculating. Hopefully it will be when the kid is old enough to process the news.

Letti.R's picture

If you know anything about genetics, you would know that a kid does not need to look like a carbon copy of either parent for them to be the real biological parents.
Genes have a funny way of playing "roll the dice".
(Case in point: I don't look very much like either of my parents, but I strongly resemble my father's mother (my Gran) to the point I could be her double at the same age, with my father looking like his father.)

If your husband wants to settle this issue, he should get a paternity test.
However, what does this accomplish?
If your DH is on the birth certificate, he wont get out of his obligations to his son - whether biological or not.

To me, there is an element of malice rather than search for truth here.
Be careful how you and your DH play this, because the whatever the outcome, the consequences will be far reaching.

To be honest, unless there was an urgent medical reason to do a paternity test, I would leave this alone.
Years have gone by and all this is going to do is alienate a child for the "sins" of BOTH parents: Mom possibly being a version of the town bicycle and a DH who chose to go along with possible infidelity and lies in the first place.
Re-writing history does not undo a stepchild.

If it is a re-curring subject, whoever brings it up should be told to shut up and mind their own business.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Outside of the parent or presumptive parent, other people questioning the paternity of a child are at best nosey Parkers and at worst spiteful people intending to cause hurt or harm. In the case of a step-child, this seems particularly malignant to me.

I support the right of a parent or child to definitively question/know the parentage of said child via a paternity test if required, but anyone else should really mind their own business.

People "see" what they want to see: I was out recently with my husband, son and stepson. Someone remarked on how much my son looked like my husband (not biologically related) and how much my stepson looks like me (we aren't biologically related). Things are viewed/seen through a lens of personal bias.

Unless your husband wants to know, now after others are watering doubts in his head, please leave this alone.

Booboobear's picture

I would insist on a Paternity test if BM was forcing DH to watch the kids during the time she was getting CS for having them but refusing to take them, and DH had to work, so SM had to babysit all of them, unpaid, and when BM got the kids back she was being a Bi**&H to the SM at pick up.

tog redux's picture

Except in most (all?) states, if he was married to BM and is on the birth certificate, then he's the father.  He'd just be punishing the kid, not BM. He'd still have to pay.

bananaseedo's picture

Actually no, even the state I live in which is very pro BM allows a dad to relinquish paternity rights if it's established through courts.  YES I have personal experience with this.  My DH was advised by his attorney he could do so. That would mean no CS either....kind of like the other poster and the older child.   That said, you have a certain time to act once you have knowledge of they can prove that is 'tricky' though.  

hereiam's picture

WHAT? You make absolutely no sense and none of that is a valid reason for a paternity test.


Booboobear's picture

I had to watch the skids, For years, and I didnt get paid for it, because DH had to work, and BM refused to take them, but when he would go to court to reduce the CS, the kids would lie to the judge and say they were with BM.  So he still had to pay, I had to provide unpaid care, and BM collected CS and spent it on herself.  

Then she would be screaming at me and calling me a BI*&H and accusing me of stuff I didnt do or say to her kids.  Then I needed to reduce the abuse of me by telling  DH to file to establish paternity.  Then we were done with her afair kid and I only had to take care of DH's kids while we paid BM CS. 

Booboobear's picture

I was giving a valid reason for a paternity test.      There are some valid reasons.   Paternity test cut down on the times when BM would cus and scream at me in front of the skids, because she was no longer transfering her afair child back and forth to our house.  It aslo kept her from extorting money from my DH on behalf of her afair child.   

MissDenise's picture

He can be father of the year. However many others are involved. The child has the right to get to know his real father, and that family. Genetics is another one. OP needs to be able to tell her kids, and yes the other family members. If the ex was having those kinds of affairs, and the kid doesn't look like OP's DH, or his family then I can see why everyone doesn't think the kid is his. It's like the Arnold Schwaarzenggar case. Very obvious that ladies son was his, not his father on the BC. Though he raised him and is still his legal father he was completely scammed though I would think he knew for sometime. 

Disneyfan's picture

You didn't HAVE to do anything.  You made the CHOICE to watch your husband's kids instead of making him get a sitter.  You can't blame BM for the choices that you made.

Booboobear's picture

I made the right choice to help my DH while he was slaving away to pay CS, because now that they are grown, I get to enjoy living with the best husband in the world.  I have the best life!  My POINT was there are some reasons why it is ok to get a paternity test- and this one was to get protection from an abusive person.  

bananaseedo's picture

You don't have to justify this to anyone...that was a decision between you and your DH. IMO there are plenty of good reasons to do a paternity test...the dad will never ever be in the wrong for choosing to step away from a kid that isn't his-even if he helped raise it.  It is 1000pct on the mother.  Will the kid pay a price? Maybe-maybe not.  They might go on to meat their real parent and establish a relationship.  There are plenty of kids that pay prices for their parents actions....but the cost is NEVER on the deceived father for wanting to know the truth.  

Thumper's picture

I believe every child should know who their bio parents are as early as humanly possible. OR that they are adopted. It is hard to explain 15, 20 possibly 30 or more years of being lied to.

I also believe just because there may be a connections found on 23 and ME or ancestry that is NOT the green light to make contact looking for mommy or daddy.

A woman knows who she had sex with. To string along a man OR child is inexcusable. Really crappy when she was married and holds that info private too. . THEN add on top when the marriage ends poor guy and child is punished again by mom, possibly paying for another mans child is distasteful.

Everyone has different opinions on this subject. It appears I may stand alone in mine.

I know a kid who looks just like his moms 2 or 3rd husband (old boyfriend from many many years ago)  AND the kid also looks like Moms that 2 or 3rd  husbands nieces and nephews. BUT mom was married to another man during what would have been conception.

Someone was doing something with somebodies they should not have been. To the untrained eye it is easy to see who the kid looks like. It isn't the man she was married to before or who mom 'claimed' was the Childs bio dad. About genetics---when a child looks like the milk man and not hubby, well,,,,


Its wrong,,,,just wrong to lie.

Just my cents.





Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

You don't stand alone. In my OP, I wrote, "I support the right of a parent or child to definitively question/know the parentage of said child via a paternity test if required, but anyone else should really mind their own business."

Having been through a paternity dispute relating to my 19yo SS in this very year, I know first hand what happens when people lie. I have seen the damage, hurt and anguish caused when this happens. Therefore your comment on honesty cuts two ways. 1) Children deserve the truth about who their parents are. 2) People making allegations about incorrect paternity should also examine their motives in questioning paternity and be honest as to why they state what they do.

In the case of my SS, his Dad was his father and had always been. ExSD was being her normal bitch self and strung together just enough, BS, half truths and out right lies to claim SS was not IPOD-H's son or her full brother. Nice way to treat your own brother, mother and father. Even if I was indifferent to BM, not even I believed exSD's vicious crap. And... believe it or not, exSD is at it again with new paternity allegations at this very moment. It is hurtful to the people involved because it is so untrue.

All lies are wrong and cause hurt to somebody at some or other time. The general jist of what I read here from other posters is "put up or shut up". Constantly harping on a hurtful allegation is wrong, especially when it does not concern you.

tog redux's picture

This kid is like 8 or something. Too soon to open that issue, especially with just suspicion. You don't have to look like your parents to be genetically theirs. OP and the family are gossiping and should let it go. DH can decide when the kid is older enough whether he brings this up. 

hereiam's picture

What does your husband want to do? He has the right to do a paternity test, if that's what he wants to do.


Saints Are Back's picture

"My DH is tired of it being a re-occuring issue, I'm tired of it being a re-occuring issue. Is it best to just find out and move forward (how I feel) or constantly question it?"

What do you mean? Your husband keeps getting children with her? It done. Does he accept the child as his? Does he love him?

My husband's son is not his, and even though he has not done the paternity test, it is pretty obvious. When I met my husband he told me that he does not want to do the test because it would change the way he feels, and he loves the kid and feels like he is his. 

I would really love for my husband to get this test done and say "I was lied to and don't want anything to do with the kid" but I know that won't happen. I would never force him to do it as this would break his heart. It's just something we know about it, we just don't talk about it.

See, my situation is worse, because he is too great to point to his family that the child is not his, and they keep treating the golden womb like a golden womb. And she believes that no one ever suspected her "crime" and that she got away with it.

Its just something I have to accept and live with...

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

being with a man who's BM had a court ordered paternity test and disestablished his rights as the child's father because she was not his, I would suggest to let your husband make this decision on his own. I mean how old is the child even? Every state has different laws about when anything can be done about a situation like this. In VA, my bf was married to the mother at the time of conception, his name is on the birth certificate (he was deployed when she birthed the child), and has been a father to the child for almost 5 years, but BM was still able to take his rights away. In other states, you have 60 days or 2 years, etc. and even then you might have to pay child support still, it all just depends. 

Now on the emotional side of things, if your husband does not want to do the test and he does not really want to know, then let him not know. My bf knew because his ex as he served her for divorce told him that the child wasn't his, he did his own test and found out, but still wanted to be her father, but then ended up getting screwed anyway and now has no rights to her. It has been an emotional rollercoaster for my bf and he says he feels like the child has been kidnapped from him. He has been doing better about accepting everything and focusing on moving forward, but I know it still hurts him. At the end of the day, the only person who has a say in this matter is your husband, I'm sorry, but what you want isn't really priority at this point. I have not put my input in about the child that I have known wasn't his since I met him, until 1+ year later, after his rights were taken away by BM, because it was not my place. Even now some people might argue it is not my place, but as we further combine our lives together and our plan is to get married and have children together, I do have a little bit of say at least in my relationship on what our lives are going to look like, but that was only AFTER the child was not legally tied to my bf.

Sounded like I rambled a bit, but if I could take away the pain my bf has from all of this, I would in a heartbeat because it has just been so awful.

Siemprematahari's picture

He only has suspicions of 1. 

With his suspicions.....were they enough to motivate him to take a paternity?

No, it wasn't so I'd leave this one alone. If he truly wanted to know, he would have taken the necessary measures to make it happen.


Rags's picture

I think the test should be run.  For two primary reasons.

1. So family medical history can be determined for the Skid in the event DH is not the BioDad.

2. So DH can go after BM for fraud and extortion of CS for a child she knew damned good and well was not his yet she sadled him with the kid. 

In the event that ihe is not the BioDad there is no need for DH to end his relationship as the father to the child. He is the child's father. However, he is not the child's BioDad.

BM should be confronted and destroyed financially, socially and publically for her manipulative crap and whoring around.

IMHO of course.

I have zero tolerance for this kind of crap.  My XW was knocked up by a boyfriend when she moved out of our marital home and we started the divorce process. These types of people should have their noses rubbed in their characterless crap for life when they pull this kind of shit.

Even their kids should have a clear understanding of how despicable they are.  In an age appropriate manner of course.

stepgirlfriendfurmom's picture

order BM to pay her DH for the money he has put out for the child. There are documented cases, even one guy paying for like 12 years or something, but the court will not make BM pay a dime to OP's DH for the money he has spent on a child that is not his. I have read of father's trying this tactic, but none have been successful unfortunately.

Rags's picture

So far.  Eventually a judge with character and balls will make it happen.

It can't happen soon enough IMHO.

stepgirlfriendfurmom's picture

Either that or they need to start having paternity tests at the birth. It is ridiculous that this is allowed to happen. Meanwhile as a woman this can never happen because you can only have your own baby or someone else's when you're a surrogate haha. They need to change the system somehow!

Rags's picture

DNA does matter.  Particularly when mom is whoring around and tries to stick the pregnancy on a man who is not the BioDad.

If my XW had attempted to nail with her OOWL crotch nugget from whoring around  I would have tested the crap out of that kid.  As it rolled out, she was knocked up when she moved out of your marital home.  I did not know that she was pregnant and even if I had there was no way it could be mine.  We had not been intimate in 9+mos.

The one advantage to a sexless marriage is being married to a cheating spouse.  Getting saddled with a non related kid is easily avoided.