Just don't go. Don't put yourself through it. Let DH go and spend time with his kids. They are clearly happy with the set up so why would they do something separate?
I only once went to a grandkids party with BM, but she isn't a nasty person to my face. I get annoyed when DH isn't invited to the parties,and has to go on another occasion- when he's second best. It's a no win situation.

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't bother with hosting separate events. I would continue to encourage husband to attend the parties.

This situation seems to happen a lot with SMs. You did not mention how your relationship is with the skids but it appears they get some sort of charge out of placing DH and you in an awkward situation with BM. Otherwise they would respect your wishes. Continue to offer separate celebrations and stop going to events where BM is present.

If your DH wants to go let him but since he does not like to go without you it is a sure bet he will stop also. Do not accept blame if he stops. Make it clear he has a right to make his own choices and you have a right to make yours.

He doesn't like to go alone but he thinks you should suck it up and hang out with BM? See if he would like to go hang out with one of your exes.

I have never had to deal with this, as my DH would rather set himself on fire than be around BM. She doesn't bother me (she is not rude to me) but he will not be around her.

If I were in your situation, I would stand my ground and not go. You are not weak for setting boundaries and refusing to be around someone who is rude to you.

This is easy........

Maybe they are inviting you and dh to be polite??? Since they were told already?

But always respond to rsvp: tell them, "oh, thanks SOOOOOOOOOO much for the invite. we will not be attending but LET US KNOW when you want to come by and we will make plans. Please give us 2weeks notice so we are sure to be in town. LOVE YA's, cant wait to see everyone. It will be great. How does Monkey Joes sound??? OR a cookout (what ever YOU want OP) IF your free lets plan the week before your party???

PS: We will talk about the holidays too. I am cooking Turkey the Saturday before Thanksgiving if you want to bring the family. LOVE to have you then. Christmas I am also cooking the week before. The kids will be sooo excited to start Christmas early...LOVE TO have you IF you can come.

Learn to control your holidays and birthday events. Cant do it this time with the bday party. not really.

infants are different,,,,always work around new parents and go to them.
GoodLuck

Husband needs to put YOU 1st not his adult kids and their children.

Unfortunately, the water under my bridge turned to mud years ago. The deception and drama led my husband to draw the line in the sand. He engages with his adult kids / grandkid on his terms NOT his ex-wife or adult kids terms.

The ex even persuaded her adult kids and their spouses to pressure their Dad to attend when she wants him to be there. However, my hubby told the kids he's not going to "play the Happy Family" when they haven't been for nearly 25 years." Yet, ironically the BM would have had her wish but she didn't bother attending the grandkid's first or second birthday parties that were hosted by the Skids! Such irony.

Next, I was blamed for "keeping my husband from going." I remedied that by telling the Skids, in front of their father, that "their Dad's an adult and can make up his own mind. Moreover, if he wanted to attend, I would not stop him."

It's likely the BM and her cronies treat you and your husband disrespectfully because your husband hasn't drawn the line in the sand. He needs to step up.

Your husband needs to understand that YOU come first as well as your marriage. You can start your own celebrations / gatherings and the adult kids should respect his decision. In my situation, if I failed to attend with my husband, his ex and her clan will make ever attempt to break up my marriage and create more drama.

A board game in which you hadn't elected to play? I love that analogy and it sums up how we are 'played' by those 'other' people who we didn't ask into our lives, but who just seem to be part of the baggage. However, disengagement means you take that piece from their board and put it on your own. Say this- not my circus, not my monkeys.

Let DH go by himself, they're his kids, and his gkids, his ex wife, none of it really has anything to do w/you. Would you choose to hang out w/any of these people if you weren't married to DH? So what if SK's think they *won,* let them think whatever they want to. If DH really wanted you to accompany him then maybe he should have addressed the rude behavior 9 years ago.

You've done your time trying to please them/DH, now please yourself. Life is just too short to deal w/such nonsense.

I used to be like that, where I wouldn't attend anything that BM was at because I didn't want to deal with her rude behavior. It truly bothered me for a long time and I always expected my husband to have my back but the reality is that hubby is not confrontational, he doesn't like to rock the boat and he believes I should just be the bigger person. It took years for me to adopt this mentality of the "bigger person" but I have to admit, it has given me back my power. Now I go the the SK's events and parties with a great attitude and I just chat it up with everyone. Even BM, I'm cordial and polite. The nicer and friendlier I am and the more unbothered I come off, the more BM feels uncomfortable. LOL! I just do my best to be the nicest, friendliest, loveliest and most pleasant person when this no good heffer is around. I love when her family pays me all the attention too LMAO! its great! It is a game and thru the years I've gotten better at playing it. Sad it has to come to game playing but it is what it is.

Stick with it. Let SS react how he will- well done to DH for sticking up for you!
The SS living with you thing is a separate issue. I've been there with a SS moving in- I learned a lot about my DH from that experience and SS certainly did not get his life back but we stuck to the terms of his stay and he had to move out when we said. The passive aggression is something we all have to live with-not easy when it is under your own roof.
Sounds like now you have the birthday business sorted out now- get started on your SS!

at the point in my marriage i would not go. i just dont need the drama and all the fakeness.