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being told "u don't understand"

december82's picture

basically there is a re-occurring issue we have in our family... Skids want the best of the best everything?!? They want the latest and most expensive gadget, clothes, shoes etc. Im all for buying them decent stuff and willing ro splurge on high end brand names on occasion BUT when skids go threw 5 top of the line cell phones EACH in 3 years, leave/lose their clothes at their friends house and so on, I tend not to want to replace these items with the next new thing and figure they can settle for something more reasonable in price until they prove they can take care of what they have. SD 16 has a make-up collection and a wardrobe that is probably worth more then what I've spent in the last 5 years on my own stuff lol... She got $600 dollar hair extensions a few years ago for grad 8 grad, Wtf?!?! And SS is only mildly better with his skateboards and stuff, neither us or BM are even close to being wealthy so how do they convince their parents to say yes to this stuff?? Another but... Both my friends who have their own kids and my DH have said not being a bio parent myself that i don't understand this deep desire to give ur kids everything they want and more. To be honest i think they just don't know how to say no and they r making their kids unappreacative, careless and spoiling them rotten. Is there really some mystery force driving BPs to sacrifice their hard earned cash and at times even go into debt, to get their kids stuff those of us without kids would deem extravagant???

Bluedy's picture

December, I completely agree! "U don't understand" really means that parents can't say no to their kids and can't set proper boundaries with them. I get the same thing when I tell DH to stop catering to SD25. Dig in for a long ride, because unfortunately, this inability for your husband to say no will continue into adulthood with your Skids. You will get "U don't understant" when you complain that he won't call them out on their stuff, when you complain that you don't want to be around them, and he will eventually go behind your back and do for them anyway. As for the driving force, sometimes I think it's parental guilt. Hang in there! Smile

oldone's picture

Crappy parents who have stupid materialistic values are the ones who have an "obsession" to buy their kids the top of the line stuff.

I know some ultra wealthy parents (many divorced) who do not do this. They will spend a ton of money on their children's education but try to teach their children not to judge on what brand names someone is wearing.

ba8yp1nk's picture

My SD6 has a cellphone her BM thought it was necessary for her to communicste when she is at our place..the first and only weeken she brought it she was not allowed to have it. I do not think it is necessary for a 6 year old to have one. So I told hubby she isnt using it and sje wont be allowed to play with it or even touch it when she is in this home. The BM called sunday a lil before we were gonna take her back and asked why she hadnt answer any of her calls or txt and hubby told her she didnt have the cell and if she needed anything she could call his cell. She made a fit but got the pic she couldnt control us last I knew she no longer has a cell.

Parents are parents because you raise a child not because you buy them all the "new" stuff outthere. I have a biodaughter who is 3 and she will not have a cell until shes probably 15 if not later. She is being raise to say please and thank you and it frustrates me that SD cant even do that just demands. So I've told the hubby she will be ignored if she doesnt ask properly which at first he got mad but later understood why I was doing it. I only have EOW with her but I will try and help her wth her manners and raise her properly the way the mother should but never wanted (even if she has all the time in the world cause she doesnt work)

Orange County Ca's picture

It is a materialistic society we all live in in the western world and that's certainly a part of it. It's double downed when a divorce is involved and has been said here the guilt factor kicks in.

After the depression of the 30's and WWII prosperity finally returned and people who lived through one or both wanted their kids to have a better childhood. Since money was starting to flow it was a natural to spend it and once a home and car were provided the attention turned to the kids.

With that the "greed" generation was just around the corner generationally speaking. That greedy feeling transfers over to their children who now have become the entitled generation who think it should all be theirs using credit as the means when cash isn't available. What effect The Great Recession will have remains to be seen especially in light of the tremendous $16,000,000,000,000+ debt which the current administration is struggling to make even higher.

Does anyone here have any idea how much a billion dollars is? Can you really grasp it? Can you picture spending it? You can buy 4 thousand hand built $250,000 automobiles for a billion dollars. A trillion is a thousand time that.

Another example: http://www.pagetutor.com/trillion/index.html

elle94's picture

I don't have any kids, just a couple of step brats, and I think the reason they act so entitled is because too many people in the family gave them the best of EVERYTHING they wanted instead of saving such extravagant gifts for later in life. i think you should give your kids only what they need and not everything they want. i think it would help them to appreciate things more.

december82's picture

Well SS has made it to 6 cell phones as of this weekend... Howd he break the last one??? Left it on his bed fell asleep and knocked it off into a bucket of water beside his bed... Not sure if im more pissed about the phone or that BM allows SS to keep a "bucket" in his room! Now DH gave him more than enough cash in a card for xmas for him to pay to get a new phone... But neither DH or SS have brought that up, SS says he can buy a phone on his own for cheaper, but i can pretty much guarantee SS will go home spend all his xmas money and call DH in a couple weeks and wine and complain about how he couldn't get a phone, none of this was his fault and he will get DH just to spring for another phone. GRRRRRRRR

december82's picture

Well DH and i had a talk about SS, I told him what i thought and bet him he will be hearing from SS very within the next 3 weeks with an excuse for why he couldn't get a phone and bargin with DH to get him one, surprisingly DH didn't get all defensive and just said SS was not going to get another cell out of him... so now we wait and see if Im right... if he does call I'll have earned to have my opinion respected a little more and if he doesn't Im Soooo screwed cause it will take me years to live it down lol

CyndieMac's picture

I know this is a bio free zone but I just have to say... My dh and I bought our children their first phone and after that it is on them. If they lose their phone, too bad. (we have a blended family with 7 kids)

So anyone that tells you that you don't understand is WRONG. This next generation of kids is scary because these kids don't know how to work for themselves.

My ds worked for 2 months, mowing, cleaning bathrooms, dishes and LOTS of picking up dog poop for his latest phone. And hes PROUD to tell anyone that he worked for it. He doesn't get things handed to him.

december82's picture

O it gets better turns out his younger sis who recently got a job is going to pay for their mutual friends ipod that SS apparently lost. because being her friend too she doesn't want her to go without it. SS says he needs the xmas money he received to get his license... Which DH just gave him the money for no strings attached like 6 months ago... Money is gone and he still "needs" a license. DH is just bleeding money to his kid cause he can't bring himself to teach SS a lesson. I feel bad cause SS has the potential to be a good man and smart enough to be quite successful, but everyone seems to be enabling his self destructive behaviours.

In a previous post i mention SS dropped his phone in a bucket and i was pissed he managed to have a "bucket" in his room without BM losing it on him... Apparently not everyone knows a "bucket" is an object used to smoke... Something other than ciggys. So there really isn't a question as to where all the money he does get goes... So why do people keep giving cash to him?!?!? Grrr again

SunnySkies's picture

Cigarettes?! Lol, oh my god I thought it was so he could have a pee in it in the middle of the night to save getting up for the loo! Thank you for enlightening us, I was wide-eyed reading your first post!!

My skids are the same - I've had two phones in about 8 years, they must have had 8 in 2 years.

december82's picture

I was trying to beat around the bush when i said " buckets were used to smoke... Something other then ciggys" I've never been good at being subtle so its totally my fault but ill be direct this time- buckets are used to smoke marijuana, sorry for the confusion!

DCGIRL's picture

MY BF does the same thing and I think its stupid and wasteful....How are you teaching your children the vaule of a dollar by jumping and getting them anything they what at anytime...Its not realistic....He isnt rich, so when they grow up and have to support themselves, they are gonna get a rude awakening... Money don't grow on trees...He recently bought his 6 year old a IPAD for Christmas... Huh, a 6 year year old!!....You might as well put your money in the middle of the floor and set it on fire cause you don't want it......His reasoning for this, the child was crying for it....He got pissed and told me I don't understand after I told him, the kid is 6, that is what children his age do...