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Would you hang a Father's Day picture that bm made?

counseling.advocate's picture

Bm gave a poem with their footprints on it, framed to dh from the girls and the girls want to hang it. The girls said their mom did everything, painted, she hand wrote it everything. Every time We walk by it, we will think of her. Bm hates me by the way and we recently had a fight and it's no surprise she is trying to piss me off.

The poem is "walk a little slower daddy" I wonder if it means something.

It's so frustrating. He offered to put it in their room. Then I offered to put it in the hall but that is right in the view where I see when I lay in bed watching tv on the left, so I can't win. She's everywhere I go.

Would you allow it?

EOWinparadise's picture

Oh man. I don't know. I would be torn on this one. I wouldn't want to hurt the girls' feelings, however, I would not want anything produced by BM hanging in my home. Does he have an office he can hang it in at work so you don't have to see it?

kathc's picture

Oh, I love this idea! Does he even have a "pretend office" he can claim he's taking it to hang it there?

counseling.advocate's picture

Dude he works in management in retail. No office hahah. No office at home either.

EOWinparadise's picture

Yes, a pretend office. He can say he is taking it to work so he can see it all day long.

momandmore's picture

Ooh tough one. BM would never do this and I know DH would toss it if she did. I would put it in their room or something. If DH didn't toss it.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Girls room. Or Dad takes it to office. He can keep it in a drawer there and put it on his desk if girls show up to office for any reason.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Also, dream up your own sickly sweet project you can make and send it back with girls for mom's house. Make sure you drill it in to girl's heads about you doing it. Maybe even sign it.

Maybe mom will figure out not to do it again.

kathc's picture

oooh, yes....it's not too soon to think about the holidays, is it? Trace their hands and turn them into turkeys then frame that shit and send it on over...and make sure it's obvious that YOU did it.

kathc's picture

The kids don't get to dictate how you decorate your home. It either goes in their room OR it doesn't go up. I'd be bitchy enough to put it up then say it "fell" while they were away and the "frame broke" so it's "down for now" (Translation, of course, is "I smashed that shit when you weren't here and I'm only hanging on to it until you forget about it then it's going in the trash where it belongs") If the kids made it themselves, sure, hang the stupid thing up until you can get away with removng it...but when it's a BM art project? Screw that.

counseling.advocate's picture

Wow a lot of ppl think their room. I was worried the girls would be offended their gift put in their room would be an insult since we have empty walls. Should he talk to them about it? Explain it? Should he talk to bm?

ChiefGrownup's picture

I would not explain it to the girls. They sound too young. They will just feel rejected.

He may, on the other hand, want to start talking at random moments about how much it means to him when THEY PERSONALLY choose or create the gift with their OWN hands.

Put it in their room boldly and cheerfully as if this is of course the natural place to put it where they can proud of it/reminded how much daddy loves them/blablabla. Just think of some rhetoric like that, it'll be fine, if even necessary at all. If asked why not daddy's room (I don't see them bringing it up but just in case) say this item is about you having a great father so it goes in your room! DH is not my father so it doesn't go in my room.

Retail? He can still take it there. Keep it in his locker or under the counter or break room. One day the break room bulletin board gets cleaned. Ooops! Ah, well, look forward to your gift next year that came from YOUR hands!

Jenna29's picture

You are nicer than me. Whenever BM and child bring a present for my DH it goes in a box in the closet and I always tell him to tell her to stop.

counseling.advocate's picture

I think this is a good idea! It can prob go in a box with their keep sakes like art work from school

counseling.advocate's picture

I wish he would set boundaries. I beg him to, but he doesn't because he says "it's pointless to try, because she won't listen, it won't change anything" because she will continue to do what she does.
But I'm so affected by each and every incident.

Delilah's picture

He is missing the point and YOU need to make it clear this is a none-negotiable...its not about getting her to listen or change, ofcourse she wont listen or change ffs so its pointless to try that (in fact it can actually gleefully encourage their meddling if they know its going down like a turd in your bath). What he needs to understand is HE needs to change his own acceptance, management of the ex. So instead of sweeping it under the carpet, esp if something bm is doing is designed to offend, intercede in your home while sticking one to you and perhaps dh, he should acknowledge her inappropriateness to you privately (so you dont feel marooned on a desert island invested with sharks) and really nicely encourage the girls to make these things themselves, while silently losing bms helpful gift and or get you to repay the favour in kind }:) Wink

another step's picture

I sincerely HATE that "it is pointless to try to set boundaries because she won't listen." Boundaries do not require consent!!! "Do not send personal items or items made by your hands to my house" can be enforced no matter what she says. When one shows up, it gets sent back - without fail.

Yes, it will upset the kids at first but that is when he is SUPPOSED to use it as a teaching moment to tell them that some behavior is appropriate and some is not and if a person tells you they are uncomfortable you need to respect them or risk losing them as a friend. If your friend tells you to stop picking your nose in front of them and you do not, they will stop playing with you. And if a friend always hogs the swing set, you have the right to tell them to let you have a turn and if they do not, you do not have to keep playing with them. Rather a good lesson for a child to be taught, I would say! "Mommy and I are having a disagreement over the rules of our friendship and we both have to respect each other's needs. This is has nothing to do with you. We both love you very much." Repeat as necessary.

Actually getting your DH to do it is another story. I never managed to get the skids' father to establish boundaries or even attempt the conversation. Anything BM wanted to do was OK - just in case his refusal would "upset the kids." When she moved across the country with her new boyfriend, she dumped everything she was not taking with her on our porch. (She was less than half a mile away so she just loaded it in her car and drove it over.) You would not have believed all of the crap! Everything from coffee tables to half-empty bottles of Windex. Basically she did not want to pay for a dumpster or haul it away so she "gave" it to us and told the kids that she was being sooooo nice to us by doing so. They bought it hook, line, and sinker. They wanted to keep EVERYTHING like it was long-lost treasure. Luckily I was able to fill countless trash bags before they got home and throw it in my good friend's dumpster but it kept coming. Every day for 2 weeks there was more! And FH did nothing. Boundaries my ass!!!! Hopefully you will have more luck than I did!

SweetMom's picture

Fuck no I wouldn't hang it. H x sent pictures of his daughter and her sister, same pictures of a day they all took ( I saw on sd Facebook) which was their memories. Those pictures are still In h truck, slammed all wrinkled in glove compartment. It's appreciated if they made it of a memory of us, not their BM because she doesn't run in our circle. Now I'm not gonna be too petty so they do have a blanket and a pillow I. The room that came from their BM house. I try to pick and choose my battles. In time you can let it can play it off and let it fall and break lol

counseling.advocate's picture

Thank you all. After 6 years I'm so done.

Bm wins. I'm telling dh today that either he takes control or I'm leaving him. I can't do this anymore. He's controlled by her still and I'm suffering.

counseling.advocate's picture

I keep thinking it will change, after every conversation we have about it over the years, we fight and make up and love each other but love isn't enough. I learned that from my first husband.

I can't be miserable right? 9 more years until youngest is 18 and then who knows there could be adult SD issues and bm issues. My son and future kids will be older and know what's going on

counseling.advocate's picture

I just told him and the conversation didn't go over so well. Hefuckin threw the picture on the ground (it didn't break tho that shit is legit) and told me if I leave him he's keeping the apartment. Asshole

ChiefGrownup's picture

Sorry you're going through this, counseling.advocate. Make yourself happy. Life is too short.

SweetMom's picture

If the picture didn't break then put it up and break it..lol it's just a thing , material. Your feelings and the way he is going about it is a scar on Your heart that can't be repaired, only patched. He is choosing another womans feelings over you. Kids will adjust! F no he can't have the apartment, not without a fight. He needs to figure out how he is going to make you happy by placing boundaries. Like I said, kids will adjust.

Jilly's picture

I would give it to the children. They can decide where to put it. I don't want the children's reminders in my space.
They can keep it in their rooms or in a keepsake box.