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Hate the person I've become

MJL2010's picture

I teach yoga, for goodness' sake. I am a teacher. I have patience for the most frustrating kids day in and day out at school. I try to "walk the walk" where mindfulness, breath, compassion, and ease are concerned. I used to be a really good parent and once I even approached step-parenting with my heart in the right place.

Now? I seem to always let the skids get the better of me. Their foul attitudes, constant backchat, and other things make all good stuff about me fly out the window. I rant and yell and swear in front of my own kids. I feel out of control.

So again I am doing this mini-disengage- not because I think it will do anything to help the situation, but because I truly cannot stand to even look at them, much less speak to them, after the events of the last two days. They are at yet another sleepover tonight and I'm so glad.

When they return, there will be another ice-breaking, another apology for the rudeness and backchat, which they will mean but never ever be able to follow through on, because they are THEM and they cannot change their DNA. That will be it until the next time. And there is always a next time.

There is no way to break this cycle except to either completely disengage, which I can't do because there is just too much to be done in this family with five kids, two full-time jobs, and tons of activities....or to completely stop caring. Which I can't seem to get the hang of; if they are disrespectful to me when DH isn't here, I can't relegate myself to "Wait til your father gets home.".

I desperately need to figure out a way to not let these two get to me.

What has worked for you?

Comments

TwoOfUs's picture

Yeah...I'd say if DH isn't there, skids aren't there. You need to have that talk. I had it after a horrible weekend where the skids walked all over me when their dad left for a business trip on Saturday and I had them through Monday. I don't care if it's "your weekend" -- you're not here, skids aren't here.

Now that they're older and I've been in their lives for a while, I've relaxed on that front a little bit...but not much. This coming spring break, for example, DH will take SS to a college visit for the first couple days and SD will be with me. I can handle one, usually. When they were younger...all three were getting dumped on me when DH had work! Also...DH and I both work from hone, but my office is upstairs right next to the living room and DH has an office in the finished half of the basement. Guess who disappears for hours to work and who gets interrupted every 15 minutes? We had to have that talk, too...skids are here, you're available, present, and engaged.

If you have them full-time I'm sure it's harder, but still doable. Daycare, sitter...these are the things he'd have to do if he wasn't married to you. And he didn't marry you just to have a live-in babysitter (I hope).

WalkOnBy's picture

^^^^^^^^^^this

I'm waiting for all of them to be gone. Only then will I truly be at peace in my own home.

TinyDancer's picture

The hardest thing you might ever do is to internalize the thought of 'no one can MAKE me feel a feeling, I feel how I do because I choose to'.

Make it your mantra. Live it. I've been doing it for over 15 years, it's true and it works.
Creating a peaceful home isn't easy mentally, it does take time for everyone to adjust, but it is doable. Start creating small boundaries that you feel are easily enforceable and stick with it.

I started with what a friend called 'bug watching'. Instead of engaging in whatever was going on, I sat and observed. Learned about the kids more then I thought I would. Knowing what really makes them tick makes it so much easier to work them. My home is a place where it's my rules or find a better place to live. No compromise, I'm the adult, this is my home, I don't negotiate with kids.

If I'm going to be called a 'bit*h' then I might as well embrace it. We made it through the teen years without any major incidences and all is quiet and clean.

MJL2010's picture

Thanks, everyone. They are back tonight and we're supposed to have a "talk" about the new regime. I have no idea what DH is going to say to make this one different from the 1,000 other "talks" we've had.....but maybe he will feel better afterward. Ugh. Tiny, yes- I am going to try to engage in some "bug watching". I think it's important to note that they behave this same way at BM's- they are horrible at her house and if anything worse than they are here. I have to give them some credit. I just can't stand when they interrupt and backchat and then the drama starts- gag.