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Worthless Bio Mom Using SD

Susy_Q's picture

Hi all... I'm at a loss and need some advice. My SD (12) lives with us full-time. I have been in her life as a step-parent for 6 years. DH has always had custody - BM is a partier, pops pills & drinks a lot. As I'm writing this, I think I know what to do but want to hear your feedback.

BM has standard visitation but rarely uses it. Her current boyfriend is a welder and travels to different states for jobs. Her husband (yep, still married to #5) is also a welder with same situation, so she's been a gypsy for a while. For Thanksgiving DH agreed to let SD be with her mom and her boyfriend. When SD returned, I learned that she was left unsupervised (she was 11 at the time) with a 13 year old boy who was a relative of BM's boyfriend. Then SD admitted they "kissed"... later she said they "made-out". Remember, she's 11!!!!! This morning I found a note in her room that said she "almost fucked him". BM is completely worthless and has a long history of small crimes. 2 weeks ago she was arrested for making false/ abusive 911 calls. I have her arrest paperwork, mugshot (my new fav pic!) and have been in touch with the district attorney's office to provide them with many other police reports I've collected on her over the years. She's always claiming her boyfriends have beat her up, gets them arrested, then pawns all of their stuff. These guys are morons because once they're out of jail they take her back and the sick cycle continues. The police reports from different states/ counties supports this and my goal is to show she has a history of abusing 911 and try to get her in jail for a little bit. It's a Class B Misdemeanor in Texas, so could be 6 months to a year. Meanwhile, SD asked me to call her BM with her so she could ask her questions about being arrested since she was really upset and worried about her. BM lied through the whole conversation to the point where I read the police report to her and asked who was lying, her or the police. In that call (which I have recorded and is legal to do in TX) SM admits to drinking beer while SD was with her over Thanksgiving, but says she was never left unsupervised with this boy. The custody papers state that BM is not allowed any controlled substances while SD is in her care - nothing 24 hours prior to getting her or during the entire visit. After the call, SD and I agreed to block BM's phone number from all of our phones because all of the lying, etc is taking it's toll on SD. Now SD wants to call and talk to her because she feels guilty. It's a toxic relationship and SD is only 12 so I understand that she wants her BM to be a better person, but there is no way we are letting her call BM right now.

DH and I are sick about this. BM's family is completely on our side (except the mom). My gut tells me to file to remove all visitation unless supervised which would cover phone calls too. I honestly want to remove all of her rights, but DH is on the fence. What are your thoughts?

Some additional details - SD usually calls me Mom and we have a close relationship, but only when BM isn't manipulating her mind.

Thanks in advance.

Evil stepmonster's picture

Ask for supervised, the BM will probably just fade away into the background once she sees it's work to have supervised visits. A friend of mine asked for it and they take the kids to an office that's just for supervised visits. The CP and NCP don't have to see each other, the visits are recorded, and the NCP has to pay 60.00 to see the kids. Go for that, and she'll go away.

somedevilishbeauty's picture

When BM got arrested we had to explain to SD what had happened it was soo hard even with BM denying her part in her charges. We had to explain to her that her mom just needs time to get help and straighten her life out. She may call you mom and sounds like your a great role model and mother figure for her but to a kid they will always want there mother and hope they will change. As for your decisions all you can do is give your thoughts to your DH,but when it comes to it it is your DH's decision about his daughters mothers rights. I know it suck because you do more than the bio mom but that's the life of a step mother. All you can do is support your husbands decision not make it for him.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Someone needs to have a talk with your SD about sex. She MAY have been exaggerating to "show off" to her friends (I'm assuming it was a note between her and a girlfriend). MAYBE. 11 is waaaaaay to young to be sexually active.

Susy_Q's picture

Aniki, totally agree 11 is way too young. I talk to her regularly about it and also understanding her worth and that sex doesn't equal love or respect. Seems that BM encourages that behavior (totally sick) and that's just another nail in her coffin in my opinion. Thanks for your input!