Worried
I am very new to the whole stepmother thing and frightened. I do not have any children of my own and have only ever taught kids in Vacation Bible School and the like. I loved working with the children but also never had any real difficulties.
Problem: My stepchild is special needs (his mother says autistic) and has been neglected by his mother. At five years old, he's already tortured small animals and set a few small fires in the house (not our house but his mom's house). He bites, scratches, kicks, and curses everyone around him whenever he is told "no." I have no idea what to do with him. So far it hasn't been an issue because my husband and I have lived too far away to visit (other side of world). Now we are only 11 hours away and the visits are going to be regular. I'm terrified for my dogs and house. I feel selfish for thinking of these things instead of thinking how great it will be to have my stepson around. I have talked about my fears with my husband who seems to think that all of those behaviors will stop once his son is here in a nice normal home.
Am I a bad person? I've busied myself getting my stepson's bedroom decorated and planning a nice beach trip since he's never seen the ocean. Am I being ridiculous to be so worried and frightened?
You have every right to be
You have every right to be frightened. I am a parent of a special needs 6 yr old and belive me it is tough. First thing that needs to be done is ss needs to be seen by a nurologist (sp?) and have a proper diagnoisis. Personally it doesn't sound like Autisum to me they thought that my son was autistic but isn't he is Global Developmental Delayed with Inattentive ADD and Low Tone. So needless to say when he is not medicated he is a handful. The Dr say consistent disipline and structure are some of the best ways to handle him. Oh and letting him know that there are consequences for his actions. Even though he has problems they know right from wrong. Patience Patience patience belive me sometimes it is hard. If you need anything know we/me are here for you to talk to. You are human and be frightened is perfectly normal.
Live for today,you may not have a tommorow
Thank you
Yes, I agree that it doesn't sound like autism. He is not "in his own world" or any of that. He is very manipulative, vocal, and violent. Honestly, I had no idea that behaviors like that could start this early! What will he be like as a teenager? I would like to be able to help him or at least prevent further damage but we will only have him for a weekend here and there, then two weeks each summer. It seems like that is hardly enough time to make any real progress. My husband's insurance covers any/all medical expenses for therapy and my SS's mom has started taking him after we suggested it. From the paperwork we've gotten back, I don't think that there's been a solid diagnosis.
Thank you for your comforting words. I will remember them over the next two weeks.
Agree ...
Agree, not autism. Try hyperplexia, ADHD is probably a definate, and Aspergers ... my nephew does the same thing ... medication for ADHD helped, but he's worked himself out of daycares in their small town. I worry about him.
You could make arrangements for your dog to stay elsewhere - I'd be worried too, my dog is my child!
He does need to be diagnosed in order to be able to properly address the problem. I'm not sure a neurologist is the right place to start though - only if there is actually a problem with the brain. This might be a mental health issue, I'd see a child psychologist and have a psychological assessment done ... that will pinpoint the problem and then you can work on solutions to the problem.
Good luck and keep us posted.
~ Katrina
Sorry to hear about your troubles
I saw a child similar on THE NANNY show, he was diagnosed with ADHD I think and she kept saying one-on-one time with child was best. When child throws temper, hug the child tell him it is wrong & that you love him and he can't do things like that. With homework make a big deal if he gets a question right so he doesn't get frustrated and Medication is also a big thing. It helps with the behavioral issues.
As for torturing smalll animals - hum... I would probably keep my dog in the house. I have a large Golden Retriever but I would put in an alarm system and make sure that your dog stays at your side most of the time. I am sure that if your dog senses this child is out to hurt him, he will stay away from the child. But with alarms you will at least know if this child gets up and is wandering the house or what rooms this child is going into.
Also, what type's of animals has he tortured? And why did he set fires? How did he get his hands on matches or lighters? I think you should just keep away temptation from this child. And it will be easier since you do not have any other children.
I had similar issues with SS. He called himself a PYRO, he beat up all of the neighborhood kids, he had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, stealing the oddest things. It doesn't get better but I have just learned to adapt to his behavior and be aware of things to look out for. You could ask a therapist to diagnose this child, and to give you some options on how to handle this child in your home.
I wish you all the best.
Julie (31)
Bio-Children - Son under 1 with BF, Son age 11 from previous relationship.
BF - Son under 1 our's together, Daughter age 20 from prior marriage, son age 14 & daughter age 10 from previous relationship.
Thank you
Well, my stepson's visit actually went quite well. The first few days were TERRIBLE. He wouldn't eat, called me a few horrible names, and then on the third day he calmed down. It was amazing. He started to relax in the house. It was then that I realized how neglected he's been and that all of this behavior is from those experiences. He made HUGE progress. He went from throwing books at us to requesting that we read them with him. My husband and I kept the tv off the entire time and focused on playing t-ball, bocce, soccer, reading books, and trying fun new foods. He doesn't want to go back home. Thank you for your wonderful advice. Your words eased my fears. Thank you.
Awesome!
I'm so glad it went well. Now you see what a positive influence us SPs can be to the SKs ... maybe his "autism" or "disorder" that BM feels he has is because she isn't giving him the attention he needs!
~ Katrina