At wit's end....
I don’t even know where to begin….and I’m still afraid that even though it’s a site people with similar issues, I’m going to be lashed out at. But here goes…this relates to SD and her mother…
I literally, don’t know what to do, and I have no where to turn. My stepdaughter is 3 and a half, and she is the epitome of a whiny brat. I will admit, she has gotten a lot better from when I first came into her life, but she is still unbearable. Her dad and I met almost two years ago after he and his ex had just broken up. He called off the Wedding a month before it. Needless to say, the mother is psychotic. She is under the impression that he left her for me – and her goal in life is revenge now. She uses the SD as a pawn in her twisted revenge. For almost two years it has been constant back and fourth of dealing with her shit. She threatens, she takes him to court, “if this, then that” everything. And then on top of it, she has molded her daughter into a brat. She can’t speak without whining, she has an attitude that would make your jaw drop, and she treats her father like shit. After everything with her mother, all that crap she’s put me and him through for the past almost two years, and then how horrible she is, I don’t know if I hate her for her, or if I hate her because of her mom. I know though, I literally DREAD the days that we have her. I can’t stand them. I spend the entire time by myself avoiding her until she goes to bed. I don’t want to hear her. As soon as she opens her mouth, and uses her whiny little voice – I feel like jumping out of a window. She falls two inches and lands on her hands and starts screaming bloody murder because she knows daddy will come running. Her mother and father have conditioned her to be a needed, whiny, annoying little brat. When she gets hurt – I don’t care. I honest to God, don’t. And I know that’s horrible. I have tried so hard to love her, and I do love her, I just can’t stand her. I will never see her as my own. I resent her because I know that since she is alive and on this planet, I will always have to deal with her mother and all the crap that she does. My husband and I have a 6 month old together – and if it weren’t for her and my drive to give her the best possible life, I would have left. I know that. I do not want my SD has an influence in my daughters life. My husband tells me “ my ex is doing this,” or “ I need to do this because she’s gonna do this” and tells me I need to be supportive of him. And I know I do – but I DON’T WANT TO ANYMORE. I have been supportive for almost two years of his battle with her to keep his stupid kid – and I don’t want to anymore. I honestly pray at times that when she takes him to court she gets full custody because then I don’t have to deal with it anymore. And then I feel awful for thinking it because I know it’d kill him to not have his kid. She talks to me, and I say as little as possible, and leave the room. I don’t want to do anything with her, all I want to do is make her go away…I don’t want to see her. I resent her more than anything in the world and she’s not even 4. She’s whiny, and bratty, and rude. We’ll have her for the weekend and by the end of the first day she’ll be an angel because WE know what we’re doing – so it’s not that she’s incapable of being normal. But she goes back to her mom, and after two days with her we get her back and she’s the devil himself. She undoes everything that we did over the time we had her. Her being bratty, and everything else she is I can handle because it’s only temporary. But it’s HER in general I can’t stand because as I said, I know as long as she’s in the picture her mother will always be. I don’t know what to do – and I know it’s not her fault, but I can’t help but blame and resent her because even though it’s not something SHE herself is doing, it is in fact BECAUSE of her……….I know this makes me a horrible person, but I do not know what to do anymore.
I've kept out the details of just all the crap that her BM has done over this time, but if it's necessary for the post, then I have no problems adding it. Just let me know if you think you need to hear it...
I feel for you really. I
I feel for you really. I wish I knew what to say. Maybe somebody else can advise.
Best,
MWC
I honestly have no advice
I honestly have no advice either, other than to say as long as SD will be around, her mother will too. And some cases, even once SD leaves the nest, BM will find a way to plant herself in your life.
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Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
Would you consider getting
Would you consider getting counseling for yourself and asking your husband to get some for SD?
Counseling is a great way to vent and figure out healthier ways to handle negative emotions, especially when it comes to the complicated puzzle that is a blended family.
Whenever you feel yourself getting really stressed out over SD/BM, take the baby and go for a run, exercise, go run errands, etc. Give yourself a break from that environment. We all need to do that sometimes, both kids and adults. That way you can come back a little bit more relaxed. All people can sense when they're disliked. I'm not saying this to bash you. I do think, however, that it could be part of why your SD acts out.
You're not a horrible person. You're human. You do, however, need to find healthier ways to channel your negative emotions for everyone involved in this situation, including SD, and I think you know that.
I wrote a blog on this not too long ago. Hopefully, it can help you to know that you are not alone in how you feel, and that others have felt that way too:
http://www.steptalk.org/node/23210
Please feel free to comment on it, and I hope it can help you.
She doesn't really "act
She doesn't really "act out." as I said, she's very well behaved for the most part after about a day of being with us. It's just that as soon as we get her back she is horribly whiny, and rude. I have not, and do not let her know my dislike for her. I stay away from her, yes, but she knows that I am caring for her SS which is why I do not spend time with her and her father. I do not yell at her, I dont talk meanly to her, I don't let her know I dislike her, and she is not old enough to know that my avoidance is just that - avoidance. Here's the biggest thing: i am 21 years old. I gave up EVERYTHING for this little girl - and she's not even mine. Every big moment in my life for the past two years, i gave up so that her dad wouldn't lose her. When I got pregnant, i wasnt allowed to tell anyone cause he was afraid the BM would find out. When we got engaged, i wasn't allowed to twell anyone. The first 6 months the SD knew me, her father didnt let her learn my name because he was afraid of what would happen. So he gave me a nickname for her to use. I had to hide my car in the garage wheneer I was over beacuse he BM would drive by, and the father was afraid if she saw my car there, she'd do soemthing. The list goes on. I did all this for a child who isn't mine....I am not a bad person...but i can't bring myself to make the feelings of resentment go away because i know the cause of my misery is her.
*edit* I read your blog and replies however, and you are right - i hate the BM and I resent and hate the situation that I am in because of SD, that being said though - I still can't change any of it and the feeling wont go away**
First, let me say I totally
First, let me say I totally sympathize and I've been exactly where you are a couple of years ago when Creature (SD5) was 2 - 3 years old. Things still aren't perfect, but they've improved.
Second, you are right, you are NOT a bad person. You did what you thought was the right thing for a man you love and now you resent it because the kid is a terror and you wish you could take it back. I've been there too and I am sure we aren't alone. DH spent nearly $90K in attorney's fees, mental health professional fees, etc. We spent 8 months "supervised" at his parent's home 3 hours away EVERY weekend. Life was pretty much hell and we won the opportunity to spend more time with a kid who acts like the devil, told many lies (about us abusing her), and think her psychotic mother walks on water. Keep in mind that SD didn't ASK you to do any of this. You did it because you love dh. Resent the situation, but not the kid.
All that being said, you don't really hate sd, you hate your situation. Sometimes it is really hard to separate the two, especially if sd's behavior mirrors her mother's behavior. It seems to me you have more than one problem here and you need to break them out into what you can control and what you can not control.
1) BM is crazy and likely lies about you and certainly babies, coddles and fails to discipline SD. You can't control ANY of this and you will drive yourself crazy thinking about it. Let BM do whatever the hell she wants (this is key) IN HER OWN HOME AND WORLD. That means a) don't let her control what happens in your home and b) if she oversteps - damaging your property, etc. - call the police if you must.
2) DH- you didn't give a lot of detail here but since he asked you to keep certain information a secret, I'm going to assume that he is a little afraid of BM, at least on some level. He needs to get over that. He took her to court. It looks like he "won" to some extent and has a custody order outlining his rights. He should stick to that order and let BM rant and rave however the hell she wants, but he should NOT give in to any ridiculous demands that give her any power or control over the two of you. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. Also I didn't like where you said, he babies her if she falls and he says "bm does this, so I have to do this". First, he needs to stop the babying because she'll expect to be babied forever. Second, he doesn't have to do anything based on what BM does. He needs to be a parent in his home, regardless of what bm does. If he isn't willing to do this - you have a problem with dh. You can control this because if he won't stick up for you guys, you can dole out consequences of your own.
3) SD - Her behavior sucks BUT you did say that by the end of the first day she "gets it". THIS IS GREAT NEWS. This shows that she is cognitively able to respond to discipline, routine, etc. At her age, she is going through a "transition" when she shifts from one house to another and she is confused. This gets better with time. At almost 6, Creature still gives us an issue when returning from her mother BUT at her age we can discipline more effectively and it is short-lived or she goes to her room alone until she can regain control of herself. I know 3 years seems like a long wait, but it improved slowly over time. Here is my problem with your approach (not that I don't understand it because I still largely avoid Creature). If you avoid SD and leave her all to DH when she is there, you're setting a VERY DANGEROUS precedent where she thinks that when she is there she gets daddy ALL TO HERSELF. This will get harder and harder to break as she gets older and when she is there you'll feel like you and BS don't exist. Nip this in the bud NOW. I know it sucks to be around her but you must demand some attention from DH when she is there or you'll regret it.
I found that the best way to let go of some of the resentment (not all - I live with it everyday) is to talk about it. Put it in perspective. I was totally pissed off about all the time, energy, emotion and money that went into getting a kid who showed no appreciation. I had to force myself to focus on how happy dh was / is. Consider yourself lucky to have your own child to focus on. I don't have that and it makes my resentment even more pronounced. Let your dh know what you will and will not tolerate and what you expect him to change, keeping in mind that you can't change bm (and neither can he). Quit hiding when she is there. Go about your life the way YOU want to and ignore her tantrums. Whining is something that can easily be stopped by merely ignoring it. You, nor dh, should respond to her when she whines. She whines, you tell her once to use her normal voice and demonstrate the difference and then ignore her.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
I think that this situation
I think that this situation is primarily being caused by your DH. If he is so afraid of BM that he made you keep your pregnancy and your engagement a secret, then BM is in control. And everyone knows it. Which means that nothing will change unless he changes. And as the kid gets older, BM will train her to be worse, and probably will train her to dislike you -- UNLESS your DH puts a stop to it. It is really all in his hands. Have him do some research on guilty parenting, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with the ex, and creating a happy remarriage (there's a lot of info on line -- you could even find some articles and have him read the ones you think are most useful).
As far as the child, I do suggest that you get counseling to deal with your feelings. I don't blame you for them, but you've got to get a hold of yourself, for your own sake. And you also need to set some rules and boundaries with your DH. I agree with soverysad's advice re responding to her, which only encourages her.
You say that she gets better after about a day. So, I would suggest that you tell your DH that he will need to deal with her on the first day of visitation, until she's better. You take your child and go out for a while. It is, after all, his daughter, and ultimately he needs to control her.
Good luck!
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved