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Why do people tolerate this crap, over, and over, and over again visitation after visitation or day after day?

Rags's picture

Why do people tolerate this crap, over, and over, and over again visitation after visitation or day after day?

For some reason we (Sparents in general) avoid solving the problem.  We avoid confronting the crap.  We avoid rubbing our failed mate's nose and the noses of their putrid failed family spawn in the stench they create day in and day out.


Ill behaved shit. Rude crap.  Lack of hygiene.  Failure to wash clothing, clean their crap up, do their dishes, perform any chores, be respectful, do their F'in homework, spout lippy bullshit, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.........

Why is this crap tolerated?

It shouldn't be and when we tolerate it, it is on us. 


HappyEOW's picture

I did not take it at all. A little background: My husband is Swedish and in Sweden women and children rule the roost. Men are reduced to basically second class citizens and a man standing his ground and being masculine and strong is frowned upon. "Sweden, where men breastfeed" is my little slogan for this country. He was married to a toxic, covert and malignant narcissist who basically reduced him to a enmeshed servant to her and the kids. He lived like this for years because no one told him to grow a set.
Aaanyway, he finally got tired and realized he didn't love that woman and wanted out, so he left her but he was still enmeshed. His family, of course, heard what a horror he was and always sided with her. He would cower and basically obey her because he was scared. When we met I lived in the US and I could see the toxic cesspool he lived with and I tried to advise him kindly and positively. Three and a half years after meeting, I moved with my son to Sweden and was shocked at how things actually were. His kids were absolutely horrible! They would lie to his face and he did nothing, they were disgusting and he did nothing. Terrible disrespect all around and nothing happened. I remember one time his daughter was here for dinner and she started playing with a candle at the dinner table. He told her to stop and she looked him in the eye with defiance while still playing with the candle. This went on for minutes and all he could say was "Sluta" which means stop. I was new here so I didn't interfere. Anyway, this behavior was rampant. Leaving dirty clothes all over the floor, garbage on the bathroom floor and kitchen, purposefully rubbing dirty fingers in walls and doors and, of course, the lies and disrespect. 
I didn't know how to handle it so I slowly disnengaged and told him everything that needed cleaning, etc. As I noticed nothing changed, I got fed up and started being honest and blunt about his kids and their mother. It got to a point that I did not hold back and I wasn't nice. His great fear was that he was a failure. He kept being ordered around by the GUHCBM because he felt guilty about the failure of the marriage, even though he said he never loved her and he was never happy. Then he defended his horrible kids because he was afraid to fail as a father. I let him know he had already failed by having them with a horrible woman and by allowing her to raise them to be toxic liars and horrible people. He fought me a lot on this but slowly, as those kids got worse, he began to see what and who they were. The beginning of the end was the day he finally attached his balls and reprimanded the youngest for being rude and disrespectful and told him he lost computer privileges for three days. The kid said bluntly to his face that he wasn't going to obey or deal with him and left to his mother's. He then proceeded to lie about me and my son but my husband didn't believe him. Once a liar, always a liar.

Finally, I was blamed and demonized for that event and, even though I was nice and friendly, I was made the bad guy. After we married the last kid (they are two teens and one adult, so no little ones) suddenly never came back and they were finally alienated by the mother, if you can call her that.

I guess the point is that NO, we don't have to take their lies, filth, disrespect and toxic behavior. My husband is a kind and loving man by nature but he needed me to show him that he could not be passive and  allow abuse and disrespect. Of course, once he found his balls, everyone decided he wasn't good enough. He's not chasing after them or doing anything with them anymore. He sent the mother to suck lemons and she, in turn took him to court, so he gave her all the power over the kids. I would have given her full custody but he didn't. To me he is an amazing husband, I regained my respect for him because I see he's not a doormat or ATM anymore. He's a good father to my son and I am blessed to have him.

Do not take their crap!!! Stand your ground, set boundaries and don't sugarcoat anything. If he doesn't see the toxicity and dysfunction then it's on him and if he takes it out on you then think long and hard if you want to continue that relationship. I'm thankful my husband opened his eyes because it could have been a disaster all around if he hadn't. I'm proud I say he doesn't breastfeed anymore, lol!!

Yesterdays's picture

Been there, done that. Different expectations at each home and having to repeatedly have the step kids nose wiped in it, unending issues. It can result in two things. Either the kids start behaving better and being more respectful or they simply choose to stay at the other house where they are picking up all of the bad behaviors.. The place with zero expectations for behavior. 

Someoneelse's picture

In the beginning I thought that SD just acted out because she was jealous, and if we solved the ROOT of the issue, it would solve the problem. Then I thought if we SOLVED the root of the problem, and ALSO taught her that her behavior was not ok, she'd be punished... but that didn't work either. So then we talked about counseling... but DH doesn't have the right to give consent on medical treatment, so we tried to convince BM to take her, BM agreed, especially after DH's father passed away, and said that SD was on some waiting list for someone that BM trusts.... but it's been 4 or 5 years and SD still "is on the waitlist"


I ended up figuring that BM is the enabler to SD's behavior, because we only have SD EOWE and thursdays, 1 month in the summer, and split holidays... So what ever punishment we dole out only is for a few short days, and then she goes to BM who "poor baby, your father is detrimental your emotional/psychological wellbeing" and tells SD lies about DH abusing her.

but this is years after trying everything to help her adjust, to help her "fit in" to help her feel like she's NOT an outsider... trying everything I know, everything everyone suggests, everything that I read about... then realizing that because BM has her majority of the time, no matter what we do, she's always going to end up the way BM raises her... to be an over endulgent, spoiled lying manipulative, narcissistic b!tC# just like her