Who gets to GRIEVE?
I came here today because once again in my long history of step-parenting I find there is no one who cares to understand this issue from my point. A little background. Been a step-mom since 1976. I got married and raised his boys from 11 and 14 to now, #2 son still lived on our property. We have four kids, plus one. We married and had his boys, had a daughter and son after. Went on to raise son #1's daughter from 5 to now, her first year in college.
I feel like 40 years gives me the right to be a grieving parent when #2 son passed away last month suddently. But apparently not. Only my friends get it without my saying it. My dh, who really is a sensitive great guy, doesn't get it. Or isn't able to process anyone else's grief. Poor guy. Why do I feel selfish for thinking I am entitled to some grief. To something besides being the work horse, who held it together, made all the funeral plans, all contacts, reception, coroner, autopsy, etc. DH is so lost for someone who is usually fully take charge and the EX has been crying for a month. Can't pull it together to do one thing for her son. At least Dh was at the funeral home with me, at the cemetery making arrangements beside me, picking out the headstone. In body if not mind. She did not do one thing, nor pay one penny of $9000.00 we are now in debt.
People in my family who I thought would understand my point of view, pull it together and get things done, don't. They think I am not grieving enough.
Thanks for the vent, maybe more later. I am exhausted and just wondered if anyone had any suggestions of how to be seen here. And how to stop feeling like I am selfish for even feeling this way, UGH!
My condolences on your
My condolences on your loss.
You are not being selfish. Nobody else gets to determine how deep your grief goes or how you should or shouldn't express it.
Take some time for yourself.
great big hugs to you. No one
great big hugs to you.
No one gets to tell you how, or whether, to grieve. Sounds like you had a great relationship with your skids, and if you need to mourn that loss, then by all means, go ahead.
Grief is different to everyone. I wish you peace as you move through this process.
I'm sorry for your loss, and
I'm sorry for your loss, and can relate. My SS died suddenly at eighteen, and like you, I was the one who did the heavy lifting during that dark time.
Your feelings are yours alone and valid. I found myself playing the momma bear role, taking care of my DH and the day to day minutiae, then crying in the shower at night. And the complexity of feelings! Sadness, anger, frustration and exhaustion, coming in waves, daily.
People outside of steplife can't possibly understand the unique position of a grieving step parent, so it's important that you develop a support network of friends and family you can rely on. Don't waste energy on people who don't get that you are too busy taking care of practicalities and your DH to take the time to grieve fully.
Again, I'm so very sorry. Feel free to pm me if you'd like.
I am so very sorry for your
I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my two bio teen sons in an auto accident 30 year ago; it seems like just last week, as far as the grief goes.
With that said, I do not know how you feel, but I DO understand how you feel. Time does help; I have moved forward with my life, as my sons would have wished for me to do. I focused on what they would have expected of me and would have wanted for me. I never expected anyone to understand my grief, because everyone handles grief very differently. My DH (stepdad to my sons) always treated my sons like his own. He was marvelous to them; so I know in my heart he grieved and still does at time. DH never said or says a word about how he felt or feels; but I know he felt grief, as well as felt my grief.
If you need to cry, CRY. If you need to vent, VENT. Do it your way, but do not expect anyone to feel what you are going through. I always felt like I was grieving alone, but I know I was not. It is a horrific experience and you have to carry that for you and only you. If you feel you cannot bare it, please seek counseling.
For example my grief did not surface for years; then as I grew older, I realized I was going to be old without my sons, grandchildren; they would not be beside me when I passed. That I have learned to accept as well.
I wish nobody had to experience losing a loved one, especially a child, stepchild, or spouse. The one thing that helped me; I know I am not the only person that has experienced losing their children and I will not be the last. I see it on the news every day.
Stay here with us and vent, vent, vent!
((((hugs))))
sammigirl
Anyone that cared for that
Anyone that cared for that person gets to grieve. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs.
^^^^^THIS^^^^^
^^^^^THIS^^^^^
Thanks everyone. I haven't
Thanks everyone. I haven't been on a Step group in years and you have all reminded me that there just isn't anyone out there except another step parent that see's anything from this angle. I keep thinking that crying in the shower isn't okay because I am not even sure what I am crying about. Is it self pity because no one here gets it or is it loss. Both I guess. There is so much more in the details but I won't bore you with it all. Thanks again.....
I'm so very sorry for your
I'm so very sorry for your loss. You have every right to grieve for as long as you need to.
So very sorry. To love is to
So very sorry. To love is to grieve. There are no rules. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Be kind to DH, he doesn't know what to do either.
Be kind to BM, she is lost too.
Be kind to yourself, you've suffered a huge loss as well.
You don't need anyones permission to feel whatever you feel.
Being a take charge person is a blessing and a curse. You will never feel that you are appreciated but the fact is you very much are. Doing all the things that need to be done is a way for you deal with the loss, to keep your mind occupied and know that you took care of #2 son in death just as well as you did in life.
Big hugs, love and light.
I offer you my condolences
I offer you my condolences for the sudden death of your step son.
It is now time for you to grieve yourself. Guess what, your allowed to.
(((HUGS)))
Again I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry.