what's the deal with in laws?
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I've been thinking about this lately and just wondering what everyone else's opinions are.
I know In laws are a pain in general but do you think it's worse in step families?
FMIL sometimes seems a little obsessive about what FDH and I are doing/going/what decisions we make etc and sometimes I just wonder if it's just her personality or if it's because FDH has a son. I get a vibe that she thinks that FDH owes her information because he lived with her and she'd help him with FSS before we bought our home...
What are your thoughts? (:
I see, that seems very true.
I see, that seems very true.
I've caught fmil on occassion refer to fss as "my son" and then she'll catch her self and say "oh, i mean grandson". it's very strange.
That is very strange. A bit
That is very strange. A bit obsessive huh?
I can see my EXMIL acting like this when my ExH finally gets in a serious relationship. She has been raising him when they are with their dad for the past 8 years.
Yeah, It's so
Yeah, It's so frustrating.
She tries to butt into everythiiiing.. we're planning a wedding and she recently asked me if she can be my maid of honor, when i politely tried to brush her off by telling her no because I already have a MOH she then said "it's okay, I can be a bridesmaid."
It's even worse when it comes to issue w/ fss. smh.
Wow, that's crazy. Have you
Wow, that's crazy. Have you ever tried putting your foot down on this?
When did your FIL pass away,
When did your FIL pass away, lavender75 ? How long has it been?
Ok. I was just wondering
Ok. I was just wondering because my father passed away 3 years ago and for the first year or so my mother was pretty needy if that's what you want to call it. I think she didn't want to be alone a lot of the time, and also dad was the one who did most of the fixing of things in the house and whatnot so I don't think she was sure how to handle it after he was gone and was always asking people to do things for her. 7 years ago is a long time though.
Yep! I hate that he is
Yep! I hate that he is basically her other husband! She has given him adult status his entire life also, and talked to him about totally inappropriate things like her relationship with FIL and money issues. SHE STILL DOES THIS!!! Lady, you have a husband, use him. I dread the day FIL passes away...god knows MIL will be 10x further up my husbands asshole.
I think that one after a
I think that one after a grandparent take a parental role it is hard to go back but also GP are more protective of both children and grandchildren after a divorce.
I know personally I am a child of divorce and my grandmother not only tried to protect my father in the aftermath but also tried to "shield me" from everything that was going on...mind you I have always been a out-spoken individual and never believed her or my fathers side as I lived the situation and saw the dirty side of my father that everyone tried to hide. This has made it difficult even for me to date when I lived closer to her than anyone else I moved to a town to go to school that was about 30 min away, nothing to do with her but she took it as such and would give me "advice" on how to make sure I could find someone I wouldn't be hurt by, and a bunch of other crap and so I feel like it made her more guarding of me. On my moms side my grandma just let me vent and be me and encourage me to go break hearts until I found the one I loved and told me if I got my heart broken it was a step she knew after how I dealt with my parents divorce so young I could survive most any breakdown.
As being a SM and dealing with in-laws I have encountered the same approach. I love MIL but she was very protective of SS and DH saying I may be to rough for them as I am a "cocky, loud, liberal" as she put it when we first got together mind you we live in a small town and I am probably one of a very few that will go against what others thing publicly. MIL and I though now have a great relationship. FIL was the same way and again we have a wonderful relationship and he encourages me to do what I feel right for both his son and SS as he knows I do more than most would, especially considering BM and have never tried to do anything but provide for the best. Now SMIL is defensive of BIL as I give him crap in our friendly way it's just how we interact but is not concerned with me and DH...just BIL and SS. She will be jump to tell me I am not doing what I should and try to tell me how I am wrong and pull out sympathy cards from when DH and BIL and SIL were younger mind you they were on the verge of teenage hood and SS is about to turn 5, two completely different worlds, and situations. But she is quick to get defensive and try to dictate what should be done especially if FIL isn't around as he will shut her up and defend my side....mind you SMIL still text BM....
I have the same thoughts as
I have the same thoughts as CheriWilson regarding when a GP takes on a parenting role it is hard for them to stop later on. My DH lived with his parents before we moved in together (in between the time he was with BM and the time he was with me) so SD was with them every other week for the full week. That's a whole lot of time to be spending with Grandparents! Needless to say, my MIL is the same as yours. She is always in our business, and still tries to play the parent role with SD. It also doesn't help that she watches SD all day while DH works so she is still around her for a lot of the time. She takes SD to the doctor/dentist, registered her for school, things like that-- things I believe the PARENT should be doing, not the Grandparent.
yup, same here except fmil
yup, same here except fmil doesn't watch fss however she was picking fss up on friday for fdh but she was being weird about it. She'd call and ask him all snotty if she "NEEDED" to pick up fss (because bm lives in another city that fmil works in on fridays) and fdh would just go along with it and have to listen to her moan about how she'd go get him but she was super busy blah blah blah. so I talked with fdh and asked him why he was even letting her pick up fss if she was acting like she was bothered by it. So he stopped letting her pick up fss. It's like she wanted to pick up fss but didn't want fdh to know she wanted to do it, she would twist it into her doing him a favor and she'd go on and on about how she picks up fss and fdh doesn't appreciate it.
My in-laws are generally
My in-laws are generally pretty awesome .. and they live on the opposite coast .. so we don't get much grief from them
You're lucky!! Things w/
You're lucky!!
Things w/ fmil were great until fdh and I moved in together and then she changed... she was almost trying to act like she was my mom too... before we bought our home she'd invite us to do activities with her and then we bought our home she'd call me and say things like, "we're doing this on this day so be ready at x time"... like we were somehow obligated to drop any plans we had to be with her, fdhs stepdad, fsil and her husband.
Don't get me wrong, we still get along great because fdh is the one that puts his foot down. I don't say anything to her about her behavior because I dont want to have any bad blood... I've just never seen anyone act this way before...
I don't see it as strange or
I don't see it as strange or obsessive. Unless she interferes excessively anyway. In a normal situation of this sort just a few reminders of who is in charge usually straightens things out. Not telling her to bug off just by not doing what she suggests when its harmless otherwise.
By observing you two not taking her suggestions she'll get the idea she is no longer incharge and will give up the parent title.
She was interferring
She was interferring excessively but fdh put his foot down on that so it's not really an issue anymore but I was just curious if other people have gone thru this.
yesssss. nanna took care of
yesssss. nanna took care of (spoiled) stepsons their whole life cause dad thought it was mom's place, and mom was a piece of crap. after their divorce, (and while married too i should say), nanna "took care" of dh, too. this man almost couldn't go to the bathroom without her help (hid it pretty well while dating, tho), so when i come along nanna was taught her place when it comes to my marriage (it was rough and still is from time to time). she can take care of boys for the rest of her life as far as i'm concerned (keeps me from having to do it), but because she's blown all her money on them and hasn't saved a dime for retirement (she's almost 64), not my problem. all these boys have to do is call her up and she's an atm that makes deliveries. she doesn't understand the concept of someone "deserving" something when it comes to them. she claims to hate dh's ex, but they have a relationship that goes a little further than because of the boys (lunches out, presents, etc...) needless to say, we get along on the surface, but she doesn't care a whole lot about me cause i took her wittle baby away. he was running to her everytime we had an argument! the last time he did i was ready for a divorce. and i let him know if he ever does it again, he may as well take everything cause he's not coming back here. whew! needed that vent. thank you!
also wanted to add...if you
also wanted to add...if you look closely, there are alot of men out there who have never truly cut the cord with their mothers. i think it gets enhanced after they have children because they've never really took care of themselves, how in the world would they be able to take care of a child? so when dating, it's one thing for a man to be "close" to their mother. i've learned it behooves a woman to find out just how close.
Ahhh fdh tried that in the
Ahhh fdh tried that in the beginning and I told him that if he talked to his mom again about our problems that we wouldn't have ANY problems again becuase I'd be out!
I think it is soooooooooooo
I think it is soooooooooooo common for inlaws to be jerks because they so often helped to raise the skids, usually because the father lived with them or used them for babysitting. Same for my situation...MIL is ok now though.
Yup. It's very annoying. Fdh
Yup. It's very annoying. Fdh does a good job about putting his mom in check but it's like you give her an inch and she takes a mile.
Wow, that's so rude.
Wow, that's so rude.
then there are the ignorant
then there are the ignorant dumbass SILs who *say* they hate BM and then have her over to their pathetic apartments and buddy up with her
This is exactly why I have little to do with my SILs. Hubby has little to do with them, either.
Pssh. Your BM just visits
Pssh. Your BM just visits DH's family? BM in my sitch LIVES WITH my MIL & SFIL. Yep. They all live under one roof, one happy dysfunctional heap of shit. These people (ILs) seriously can't understand WHY DH has cut ties with every. single. one. of his family members.
Like to actually MARRY you
Like to actually MARRY you two??? :jawdrop:
Well I despise my mil. Do I
Well I despise my mil. Do I think she is worse becaus ewe are a stepfamily? I think she pretty much hates people in general- but I would have to say she is somewhat worse as we are blended. Not that she is any worse because we are blended but more that it was easier perhaps to expose our weaknesses. Drive a wedge between ss and my children. Between ss and I. Between dh and I. From the beginning (which really should have raised red flags but I was naive)- she would make little comments to perhaps suggest that I treated ss differently. For example a few months before we were married dh told her we were getting the kids pics taken. Se immediately asks, "is she getting ss's taken too?". First of all WE were getting their pics taken, we all lived together, were getting ready to be married, but yeah, you idiot I am just going to tak emy two kids and get their pics taken. Not ss's. they were always giving parenting advice to dh about ss- never about the other kids- dont get me wrong I surely would never take her parenting advice, but she made it clear that ss was special, unique and she needed to make sure he was tested fairly. Even after dh and I had a bio together- she would ignore my bio and cater to ss.