Interesting talk last night... He texted me asking to talk after he had his counselling session yesterday. He tells me the counsellor ( who's been counselling both of us individually and as a couple) know us well and is also quick to pull him up on his crap when he tries to play the victim.... I like this counsellor. He has also pulled me up on being accountable for my behavior too as we are both here to learn about "being in a relationship too"

I said many times to DH last night, that I can only be responsible and control my behavior and I will not tolerate what he is "offering me" in being married to him ( aka how he treats me in between being loving and making me morning coffee etc)... There's no excuse for being verbally abusive to me because he is stressed and it's not my job to cut him some slack to excuse said bad behavior as I know he is under stress renovating his fathers house... Not my problem. I said HE needs to start growing in his awareness of HOW he reacts to people ( namely me) and how he treats me with regard to decision making, siding with me, checking with me first before supporting anyone else etc etc... He had a horrible upbringing so I know his blue print on how to have a healthy relationship is off.... But that's mo excuse for treating me the way he does. I honestly believe he dosent see how he treats me sometimes as to him it's "normal" behavior... But as I said that is not acceptable and if he wants to stay married to me, he has to learn how to be a better partner or I'm gone. Sure that means he has to step up and change how he is a partner for me... And I shouldn't expect that.. But the thing is I don't and I'm prepared to walk away as what he is "offering me" isn't what I want in a marriage.

He was able to articulate what he did to me regarding his daughter, how he hurt me by supporting her before considering me and my side of the story and how that made me feel ( mind you the jury is still out as he could be saying it because it's what I want to hear from him). He also asked if he could get SD21 to apologise to me would that help and I said yes as it would drive home the point I've been making all along about how she has avoided being made to be accountable ( because of him rushing in to protect her) when it was her bad and rude behavior that pissed me off as well. How dare she ignore my text when I queried her about my $1k.... Even if she was intimidated by me ( cue spewing now!).. She could have at the very least replied by letting me knew that she is planning to do to arrange a bank transfer or what ever transaction and inform me of the progress... NOT just fucking ignore me. Rude bitch. And DH condoned it so I'm equally furious at his behavior too. To him it was no big deal and was shocked I've made this my hill to die on.. And it still is my hill to die on so we will see if the apology happens!

So he has been trying so hard to listen and understand me now ( not before which is what I've been saying too is an issue with us.. It takes us to break up before he recognises we have a problem)... He said to me that I should come to him sooner and I went ballistic at that as I do try and "come to him sooner with my concerns" but he just ignores them or minimises them as to him they are no big deal but to me they are.. And guess where we end up?? Yeah buddy!! You sleeping in a cold hard bed on your own. So HE needs to listen to ME when I come to him with a concern and ACT on it instead of ignoring it!! Have healthy communication ... He is the one who needs to step up here.

He didn't stay last night after our talk.. I'm still not ready. I said I'm scared about him just saying words and not meaning them as this has happened before ( another long story)... I need to know he means it.... I said I want to take things slowly re building our relationship again as to me it's soooo damaged and im not sure if it's even ressurectable.... Any suggestions?

Thanks Sally....good suggestions.

We have another couples counselling session next Tuesday ( his suggestion) so maybe....just maybe this time he has been shocked into realizing I mean business and that Im prepared to walk away from his shoddy behavior. I truly believe after talking to him that he didnt realize he was being an arse and because it wasnt his intention...than he just expected me to accept things the way they are...like its his way or no way.... and than when i tried to discuss my feelings, he couldnt relate as to him the situation was not important and it was me who was over reacting.

As i said to him, he is welcome to marry SD 21 then if he didnt want to consider my feelings about the matter....AND i meant it.

He has to realise we are a TEAM and I will not accept anything less.

On another matter, its been wonderful without having SS16 living FT in my home too. Its not his fault as he is a teenager, but he has been an extremely troubled and difficult teenager to have exist in my normally peaceful environment. DH manages to majority of the parenting of SS16, but there are occasions I have to step up and end up feeling pushed aside or being taken for granted as SS16 expects certain liberties that DH gives him...but I do not and as a result, my DH and I value systems clash. SS16 is gay and has been having his boyfriend stay overnight every weekend and nearly every day during the holidays. SS16 will also go over to his bf's place as well.. I dont care about him being gay but I do find DH's permissiveness too challenging as SS is only 16 and is virtually living with his BF who just turned 16. I never allowed my three daughters this liberty and was strict with regard to allowing boyfriends to stay over night ( not until they turned 18)....so now they are both gone...Im loving my freedom in my home!!

I agree Sally.... And this is where my value system clashes with my DHs. I don't approve but SS16 isn't my lad.

All I stipulated was that I don't end up having SS16 and BF living FT together with us like SD21 and Her BF ( who was then 16/17 at the time) and lived with DH when he was renting. No way!

So yeah it's been so peaceful without having to put up and tolerate SS16 and the presence of his BF every weekend and then Daily during the holidays. BF would even stay in SS16's room all day on the day he worked his PT job!!!

I want my privacy.

I'm having a weekend away with girlfriends this weekend and won't be seeing DH at all. Might be a good opportunity to take Time to ponder over everything. I was chatting to my DH last night about wanting to make sure he gets me and tries to understand me BEFORE things get out of hand and shit hits the fan and we end up breaking up as a result ( this is my issue in that things don't seem to get resolved when we are together as I feel he minimises my feelings and concerns only to find later we have run off the rails afterwards and ended up breaking up)..... I want to feel assured from him that he will try to understand me BEFORE things turn to shit... And to value the relationship we have while he has me.... Not afterwards when he realizes he's lost me.... His response? He can't take it when I kick him out!!!!! I just looked at him and said yes... That's why I want to make sure you get how bad it is BEFORE shit hits the fan and to work on our issues beforehand.. and before I ask him to leave!!

He still dosent get it!

It was a lovely weekend get away and it gave him and I an opportunity to do our own thing and not have to focus on "us"....we had a pretty intense talk on Saturday afternoon on the phone and it seems like he is slllloooowly getting it...but who knows.

To me being kind, or apologizing to your partner when you've stuffed up isnt rocket science, but it seems to him its not an automatic reaction to times he knows hes stuffed up (which is my point as I was trying to explain that we need to be able to negotiate conflict better than what we are doing instead of having everything crash and burn and then we break up...and then he realizes he has stuffed up....why cant he nip things in the budd BEFORE it gets to a point of no return....not AFTER???)

Update: well so far there's not been much progress for us and he continues to see me and is loving etc but then goes home in the mornings to look after his house and get SS16 off to school etc.

I feel like my life is once again in limbo waiting for him to " make an effort" what ever that means!!

We have a counselling appointment on the 9th November ( which is ages away) but in the mean time we are enjoying each other's company and enjoying great sex but we " aren't marreid" as such as we are living independently and separately. I've already raised my concerns about how this arrangement could suit him... Why wouldn't it? He gets the company of a loving woman and has his freedom to come and go as he pleases...

The other night I lost it and told him not to come over as he didn't call or text me to let me know he was going to be late ( he had a shitty day/night at work being understaffed etc) but in the mean time I wasn't aware and was waiting around for him to visit me and stay over... So at 9 pm I sent him a text telling him I'm off to bed and to see him tomorrow and he replied that he was tired too ( busy day) and to see me tomorrow too but I told him not to bother as I thought he was rude and inconsiderate for not even letting me know he was going to be late and it was his blaze attitude to attending to our relationship like I will be there tomorrow sort of attitude ... No... I'm not your girlfriend who is sitting around waiting for you to pay attention to me... I told him I would have appreciated a text or a call letting me know about him being late! It's not rocket science and nor is to too much to ask of him seeing a text would have taken 5 seconds of his time... I hate the way he forgets about how it affects me and sure I get you are tired, but seriously think of me by sending me a text letting me know what's going on. It's like he's slipped back into treating me like his girlfriend where he can come and go as he pleases without considering how I feel about things.

He told me he was sorry and that he heard me... ??

He came around the next morning and made me a coffee but won't talk about it... I had to raise it and explain about appreciating it next time if he just let me know as I can't read his mind.. He acts like a kid who's mother has told him off... It's wweird.. He lacks mature adult communication skills and prefers to ignore stuff and conflict that's happened.... Instead of talking about it so we both feel heard. My counsellor said he is passive aggressive so maybe he dosent say anything for fear of yelling and blowing up?? Who knows but it's tiring as it feels like unless we are " perfect" and not having anything challenging us... We are good but the second we have a moment of conflict then it' gets wonky as there's no communication about stuff.. I'm a talker so it hard for me to handle. I'm hoping counselling can help us but I fear it's too ingrained.

"Some may say Im over reacting but to me, this is a dead marriage now. Both your roles have changed, you are no longer husband and wife".

WOW.....you nailed it SG!! Thank you! It summed up exactly how I feel and whats happening... You are right about him on so many occasions as I DO NOT see any solid evidence to "win me back" other than him liking the current status quo! Im sick and tired of him squashing my thoughts and feelings with him either saying nothing (hoping what Ive said goes away as it challenges where we are at) or that he puts stuff back on me to deflect the issue of him not being co operative to it looking like Im the unreasonable one in the equation. Because he is so skilled at it, It rattles me and I always end up trying to look for alternatives or to compromise but hes made no attempt to "own" his own behavior.

Like another recent thing occurred regarding going away for a trip to a tropical paradise. Ive had this voucher from him for nearly two years (he gave it to me for my birthday as he sort of won it via his work...it cost him nothing but its over $1,000 to contribute to a trip away)...Ive always said we can use it when we get the chance. We never seem to be able to get the chance with his work and needing to look after and transport his son16 to school, his job, to his boyfriends place etc...DH wanted me to use it for a quick 2 day weekend get away to visit my father together...but Im a teacher and about to take long service leave soon so I wanted to use that time (off peak holiday season time = cheaper flights) to see the Great Barrier Reef in Queensland which has been a bucket list thing Ive always wanted.....He didnt want to take 5 days off or to look into ways his son could stay with other people or to arrange for someone to transport his son to his job....DH claims Ive already booked it whether he liked it or not (I havent but he is now turning it back onto me as I mentioned that I wanted to book that week on November) and because he essentially dosent WANT to go but prefers I use the voucher on a quick flight up and back to see my father whom I can see anytime (DH hasnt met him) but I want to use my long service leave to visit a place and stay longer thus using my voucher more wisely....

DH says he understands why I want to go but seems so pissed at me for declaring it at the last minute (Ive been talking about this for weeks and he made no inroads into arranging for his son so he is freed up for him to go with me)...but is then quick to turn it around on me saying Ive already made up my mind and Ive already booked it whether he likes it or not (which I havent and I never said that)...but he has dont nothing to be included....its so passive aggressive it does my head in.

So Im about to book my trip today without him.

To be honest..... Its been lovely without both of them living with me and Ive enjoyed the freedom of not having to "be his wife" living under one roof...that says something dosent it? Its just a mind fuck living with him at times but then it can be fun and amazing...but only when things go well or his way it seems.

I guess Ive been "waiting" till we see the counsellor to declare my plan....which is if things cant be sorted out moving forward Im done....because as you say...why should things change as he has it made..he has me on the side without the effort it takes to be married. Ive already told him Im not his girlfriend!

Im just not sure what to say to stop the sleepovers without jeopardizing the "moving forward plan" to reunite...Like I want to say until we are living under one roof, there will be no more sleep overs, but I dont want to make it sound like an ultimatum...and besides....I honestly dont want SS16 back living with me so Im enjoying him living woth his father! So the longer we delay this the better it is in a way? It looks hopeless doesnt it?

Well the situation sort of presented itself yesterday as I have been out competing on my horse all weekend and was physically exhausted ( I work FT too so there's no day off afterwards to recover) so I sent him a text at 5pm yesterday letting him know that I was planning on having an early night as I was exhausted... He replied with typical emotional blackmail stuff saying " all good... I would get tired of having me around too... Sweet dreams" Like WTF! So passive aggressive. It's tiring. I ignored it.

He eventually asked if I was ok and I replied I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I've not said much to him as sometimes it seems it's better not to say anything much as when I say a lot it dosent sink in anyway. I get tired of pouring out my heart and either he dosent seem to get it or he dosent want to or he can't.

So he is trying hard to check in with me and has just sent me a good morning text. I guess today I will try and explain how I feel and see what happens. I'm tired of living like this. I need actions not words and so far his actions tell me a different story.

Thanks for hearing me out everyone and trying to guide me as I feel all alone with this as I'm sick of talking to my girlfriends about it as I'm sure they are sick of me too. I guess I'm looking for a relationship he is unable to give me... But then I wonder if I'm wanting too much?

"My own dh would become fixated on the consequences and how cruel *I* was because I had reacted to him doing something really destructive (I mean how dare I have feelings and opinions!), so much so the conversation stalled. He steered it to his feelings, accusations and yet again it became about poor little him. It was deliberate, destructive and it meant he didnt have to actually ever DO anything to fix things"...

This is exactly what my DH does too and it makes sense to refer to it as stonewalling. The last part "and it meant he didnt have to actually ever DO anything to fix things" always means that DH is trying to orchestrate things so I have to accept the status quo and fall back into line without anything being fixed. Then he complains about our relationship issues never seem to go away (no shit as nothing is ever resolved)but insinuates its because I cant let things go....like Im the one with the issue! What Ive been working on (before I disengaged) is to explain to him the importance of fixing the little things before they grow into big things (makes sense to me) but then a friend of mine at work says that men are unable to get this ever and we as women have to learn to find our own peace and make ourselves happy and to not rely on others to make us happy.

Is this what Im doing and expecting do you think?