What the heck is wron with this kid? Does anybody have any advise or maybe a reason why she acts like this?
I just don't get it. So yesterday we get FSS(5) and FSD(7) back from BM's for the week. Everything was going fine until FSD asked to use by BD(7) nintendo DS. When my BD said no to her request FSD went into attack mode.
I got up and walked into the hallway to find her DS laying on the hallway floor right where it could be stepped on which meant that before FSD even asked to use it she went into my BD's room, which she's not allowed to do unless she has permission, and took it.
I just picked it up and put it away and wasn't planning on saying anything. When I walked back out to the living room FSD decided it was time to make her move and told my BD that she's mean and that nobody will want to play with her. My BD is sensitive so this of course upsets her and she goes off to her room and closes the door. Both FDH and I jumped on FSD's behavior when she did this.
So what do you think FSD does next. Waits for FDH and I to start watching a T.V. show in the living room and proceeds to enter my BD's bedroom yet again uninvited. While she's in there she tells my BD that she will never have any friends amongst many other things and takes one of my BD'd books without asking and walks out into the living room to let FDH and I know what she just said to my BD. Oh I was heated. I walked over and took the book from her immediately and FSD was sent to her room by FDH and he also had a little chat with her about what behavior is acceptable at our house.
Fast forward to this morning. Both FSD and BD picked out the cereal that they wanted. My BD told FSD that she got a poster from one of the cereal boxes so of course FSD wants the next poster which I thought was fair. Then my BD said that she wanted something on the other cereal box. So when FSD asked her what it was she was very hesitant to say anything. When she finally told FSD what it was FSD said that she wanted it and she had wanted it first. I told FSD that she didn't even want it until my BD had said something about it and that my BD has been asking for weeks if she could have it. (I already had an empty box saved but FDH threw it away)So FSD asked if she could have the next one and I said that was fine.
Then comes time for the drive to school. My BD gets into the car and grabs the leapster explorer. I walked out to see FSD just closing the car door and proceeded to get into the car. FSD then tells me that my BD took the game from her which I told her that didn't happen because BD was already in the car before she even got in. So of course she starts to argue with me about it and I told her she can play with it tomorrow.
Once we arrived at the school I got both of the girls out of the car and walked them up to the school. This is how the convo went between FSD and myself:
FSD: I can't wait for daddy to pick me up today after school.
ME: Why?
FSD: Because I'm going to tell on BD.
ME: Why?
FSD: Because I didn't get to play the game.
ME: I already told you that you get it tomorrow on the drive to school and if the game being in the car is going to cause fights I'll just take it out and nobody can play it.
FSD: So I get the next poster right?
ME: Yes.
FSD: And I get the next thing on the back of the cereal box?
ME: Yes.
FSD: And I get to play the game tomorrow?
ME: Yes FSD. We have already talked about this.
It just drives me crazy. She didn't want what was on the back of the stupid box until BD said something. She takes it upon herself to just go into BD's room whenever she wants to and takes whatever she wants to without permission. She's mean and attacks my BD verbally and I would say emotionally whenever she can. She has taken my BD things and just hid them. Not to play with them later but so that my BD can't play with her toys. She has told my BD repeatedly that all of BD's toys are actually hers. It just makes me want to scream at her and ask her what the heck is her problem.
Anybody got some insight for me?
From the outsider looking
From the outsider looking in:
SD is very jealous of your BD. That is probably something that you didn't already know though.
What if you were to give your SD some small token, here and there, just to let her know that you thought of her?
You know, say you are at the $1 store and see something she would like. Just buy it for her and give it to her. At the same time, don't buy your BD something. Explain to your BD that when you saw the item, you thought that SD would really like it. And when you see something that she will like, you will get that for her.
Those small little tokens MAY go a really long way with your SD. She is jealous. Make her feel special.
This may really work since everything you've mentioned revolved around material items. Don't know if you've ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? Google it. Your SD's Love Language may be "Gifts."
That's all I've got for you.
GOOD LUCK!
My BD dad is not really in
My BD dad is not really in the picture and when he is he really doesn't spend much time with BD. He got her the DS for Christmas, which makes it something special to BD.
As I stated in my post, FSD had already gone into BD's bedroom and took the DS without permission and then left it in the middle of the hallway where it could have gotten stepped on and broken. FSD has proven that she can't take care of things and if she broke the DS my BD would freak out.
I just took her out the last
I just took her out the last weekend she was with us. I took her to the jewelery store to get her new rign sized that I bought her. Walked around the mall with her, took her out to lunch. I took her into my work which my BD has been begging me to do all so that she could have a special day.
I understand the jealousy but it's out of control. She is assaulting her new step sister at her moms house. She's just a mean child. Even her great grandfather said that. He said that you can see it in her eyes that she's just a mean child and this is coming from the sweetest man you'll ever meet.
I hear ya. If I were to show
I hear ya. If I were to show you pics of my SD... you could see the evil in her eyes. The girl just ain't right. I think the cocaine and alcohol her mom did while she was pregnant and nursing really made an impact.
Sounds like my younger sister
Sounds like my younger sister (a year apart) when we were little. Everything I had, she had to have, anything I wanted, she wanted, even if she didn't. Drove me absolutely bonkers! She would throw tantrums if she didn't get it and my parents/grandparents would tell me to be understanding because I was more mature and older. Hated that.
I don't have any advice other than telling you what happened with me, when I reached puberty my parents got tired of always stepping between us and allowed me to defend myself and my things instead of stopping me... Needless to say after a huge amount of nuclear blowups on my part, she stopped and realized not everything that was mine was her's. We now get along decently, especially when she found out anything she would do to me, i'd do it right back.
It just bugs me to see my BD
It just bugs me to see my BD get picked on. She's not used to dealing with mean people and as far as mean kids go I have never met a child quite like FSD.
I'd like to see my BD put her in her place but I know that will never happen because she's just not like that.
Little Girls Can Be Mean:
Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades
Michelle Anthony M.A. Ph.D. (Author), Reyna Lindert Ph.D. (Author)
and
Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World [Kindle Edition]
Rosalind Wiseman
good places to start.
I know, it can get
I know, it can get frustrating. However I always said my sister was a good gift because if nothing else, she taught me how to stand up for myself... Even against the people we love. She also taught me how to win arguments. Haha.
It usually is a jealousy issue, and sometimes it's because they want someone to play with them, so any attention is good attention. Especially for children who have not learned to differentiate.
Bd should ignore her and not speak to her other than responding the excuse me's and thank you's and your welcome's, if she can. I used to go weeks without talking to my sister when she pissed me off even though we'd be living under the same roof. She'd always crack and want to talk, but it'd have to be under my terms. She learned that you don't kick a cat to get it to play with you.
I will say I think it causes
I will say I think it causes trouble for one kid to have something and the other not. So either both have a leaps tear explorer to play in thiecar or neither plays it. Some may disagree but I feel this is the way to go when there are extreme feelings of jealousy.
Thanks Scubed. These are all
Thanks Scubed. These are all really good ideas.
Does your bd ever go visit
Does your bd ever go visit her father? The sd may be jealous, not of the things, but of the time your bd gets with sd's dad, and not having to go back and forth. She may feel like your bd is taking her place and getting everything SHE should get.
I would say that for the
I would say that for the thing in the house that they need to share/take turns with..... Have a schedual. Bd gets the leapster on Mondays and Wednesdays. SD gets it on Tuesdsys and Thursdays.
Have it established which toys are to be shared, and which belong to each girl individually. And a set punishment for whichever girl takes something that doesn't belong to them without permission.
Maybe have some sort of chart to decide whose turn it is to get something off the cereal boxes? Or each girl gets to pick a box at the store, and they get what ever was on their box?. Or what I do.... No one gets anything off a box because its all garbage anyways.
It seems a lot of her anxiety over stuff is not k owing when it will be hers or her turn, and the panic that she won't get her fair share. If it was laid out more like a schedual or on a chart, it might help with the worry over things.
My sister, brother and I did the day schedual as kids to avoid the fighting, and it worked out well. We each had two days a week, and on our "day" we got to sit in the front seat and all the fun stuff, but we were also responsible for feeding and walking the dog that day. Whoever called it on Sunday got that as their day too... For privileges and responsibility.
^^ This However, it looks
However, it looks like SD KNOWS which toys belong to whose (and when we were younger, we had a rule in our house that everyone's individual rooms are OFF LIMITS and thereby anything in their rooms are OFF LIMITS) and is choosing to ignore it.
My sister sometimes broke that rule. Sometimes I did too. We all knew the rules and we all got punished accordingly.
I will say, it is jealousy, it is feeling like your place is not secure so you fill that hole in yourself with things, and it works for a while--but that will NEVER be enough and soon the hole will be back, and teaching a child that in order to get rid of those feelings you must receive tangible things from other people is asking for trouble IMO.
You need rules, and need boundaries between them. And that includes marking out which items are to be shared and which aren't. That's life--we don't break into other people's houses and take their things, but we can all go to the park and enjoy the scenery. Somethings are meant to be shared, some things aren't.
I agree that I think that it
I agree that I think that it could be jealousy, but I also think that there is more to it.
Anyone who has read my posts over the last year will know that FSD has a lot of behaviorial issues. Last year when she was 6 she punched a kid in the stomach at school and then called him/her fat. She stoled from another kid at school and another kid at daycare. When she was told to give the item back to the kid at daycare she did and then turned around and stoled it again and then stoled another little girls lip gloss. It got to the point that when all the kids were outside playing she wasn't alllowed to go into the building to go to the bathroom without a daycare worker going with because they were afraid that she was going to steal from them. She has almost been kicked out of daycare on multiple occassions because of her behavior. She has lied to the police about her father grabbing her face and slamming her head into the wall which cause CPS to show up at the house. Her dominating personality got so bad last year with my BD in school that their teacher split them up for first grade because she was worried about my BD's development. She has asked my BD to touch her in an innapropriate area.
She is now seeing a psychologist and is in a specail class at school where they are trying to teach her how to interact with the other kids on a socially acceptable level.