FDH finally put his foot down with BM
If you read my previous post from last week about BM call my FDH and bawling about behavior issues that FSD had you'll know that FDH was going to email BM and tell her yet again that she is only to call in emergencies i.e. one of the kids needs immediate medical attention, text if it's schedule change emergency and she doesn't have time to email or if one of the kids wants to talk to him, and everything else kid related is relayed via email.
After he sent the email to her she responded with, I will continue to contact you in this way and I will just assume that when you don't answer or respond that you don't want to know what's going on with your BD.
I hate the fact that she is still trying to bully him. If you don't do what I say then I'll find some way to punish you. It's just ridiculous.
Anyways, In our state once someone has told you that they only want you to communicate with them in a specific way you become legally obligated to do so. So FDH replied citing our state code specifically section C which goes a little like this:
"Nonconsensual contact" means any contact with the victim that is initiated or continued without the victim’s consent, that is beyond the scope of the consent provided by the victim, or that is in disregard of the victim’s expressed desire that the contact be avoided or discontinued."
Now FDH has sent the same email in regards to how he wants contact with her over six times in the last nine months. She has also done things like sit outside the house at 3 am, show up at the house uninvited while FDH and I were at work. She stalked FDH for the first year of our relationship so this has been a long time coming.
And the best part of this story is once crazo looked up this state code she never responded back. Infact we haven't heard from her since Friday of last week. Maybe she got a little slap of reality seeing how the state code that FDH quoted is for second degree stalking. And that's only one section of it. She is guilty of pretty much everything it specifies in regards to stalking behavior.
It sounds like there is a lot
It sounds like there is a lot of bad history and precedent with this BM, and I don't want to stir the pot, but just from a different perspective:
Last week my DS had a total meltdown and acted out in a way I found I could not deal with on my own. I did not call my live-in BF for advice or comfort, I was incredibly upset, crying, and disheartened and I called his BD. There were no ulterior motives, or anything of the sort (granted, we get along great and all spent Christmas together), but DS is his son and I needed help with ideas of how to turn this type of behavior around and some support as a mother. I have read a lot here about how it is not the step parent's job to parent the child, and how the SP doesn't want to be as involved as they are, I don't know if BM is re-married or has a partner she could have reached out to, but it would seem that BD would be a logical person to ask help with their child. I did not go to my BF for help with DS in the moment, though we did talk about it later and BF was supportive, but had no real input, and was in no way threatened by the fact that I had reached out to BD for support.
Like I said, it sounds like the BM in your life is a nightmare and I'm not excusing her disregard for your and your DH's wishes, just wanted to respond to this and a lot of the responses to your original post and play a bit of devil's advocate. The stalking, and showing up unannounced are alarming for sure, but the phone calls don't seem as egregious, to me personally. It seems that quite a few SP on here have/had terrible experiences with biological parents and reading about it really makes me feel blessed for my BD and our friendship.
We have all contact via email
We have all contact via email or text. Better that way and we have a history of everything for the lawyers. When she does call he responds via email. Tells her he will think about it. Works better this way and it was our lawyers suggestion.
BM is married and there is so
BM is married and there is so much more to the story about her crazy behavior.
- She has called FDH's mother bawling and trying to talk her into talking FDH into getting back together with her on numerous occassions.
- She has called FDH begging him not to let me move in.
- She has had her father call and ask FDH not to let me move in.
- She has sent countless texts where she stated she was still in love with FDH and wanted to get back together when she knew he was in a relationship and would not stop even after he told her every single time that he was not interested.
- She has sent pictures of herself to FDH and called repeatedly for non child related issues.
- The first time I met her we had a five minute converstation where she was consumed with picking my BD up from school. (This was while she was stlking my FDH) When I returned home for the evening she called FDH and wanted to talk to me. FDH asked her what she wanted and she told him that she wanted to pick my BD five at the time up from school and take her out to lunch. When FDH told her that I did not want her to do that she freaked out stating that it wasn't fair because I get to spend time with her kids. The following week she took it upon herself to go down to my BD's school and have a conversation with her on the playground asking her if she wanted to come over to her house and play.
- She has shown up at our house while both FDH and I were at at work without our knowledge or approval. This has been witnessed by multiple neighbors on more than one occassion.
- She has convinced FDH's BD that daddy is the one that broke the family up and that he used to scream at her. (I've read the decree, she's the plaintiff.) This one has caused a lot of issues between FSD and FDH.
- She tried to intentionally break FDH and I up.
- She's told FSD that if Unhappy and daddy aren't getting along that mommy and daddy are going to get married again.
- She's flat out told FSD that mommy and daddy are going to get married again.
- She's told FDH about how sad she is because mommy and daddy aren't married anymore.
This has all been in the last two years.
I'm sure I'm missing stuff but I think that your getting the general idea. If FDH even has one conversation with her she'll find reasons to contact him everyday. She's obsessed with FDH. I'm not sure if you have ever done any research on how to handle a stalker, but usually you tell them to stop and cut off contact with them. FDH can't do this with BM because of the kids. But he can limit the contact he has with her as much as possible.
Oh and if it was about her concern for their BD then why would she email FDH and tell him that if he won't talk to her she'll just assume that FDH doesn't view it as important and wont tell him about what's going on with their BD? It's because it's not about their BD. It's about needing to have contact with FDH.
I don't know how I deal with
I don't know how I deal with all this drama. I just do. FDH just keeps puching back everytime she crosses the line. Now if she continues he is going to have to really put his foot down. Say maybe calling the police the next time and they can show up at her house and let her know that she needs to stop. Who knows if that'll work though. She's nuts and crazy people don't work on the same plain of thought that most other people do.
The only thing that I can offer is to just keep pucjing back or ignore the behavior completely and see if that works.
Ok, wanting your ex back I
Ok, wanting your ex back I can somewhat understand. Yes, stalkers are crazy.
For another woman to talk to my child without my permission like that- there would immediately be a fight and/or police intervention. I wanted to uppercut BM when she picked up our BD at 3 months without asking.
I don't know how you guys haven't filed for protection from her already
The option is still on the
The option is still on the table depending on how she continues with her behavior.
Did I want to knock her out after I found out about what she did at the school with my BD after she was told to stay away? You bet your a$$ I did. I was hot. She's insane. But we do have it documented in emails that she has done this. She tried to lie about it at first and told FDH that she was at the school to visit with their BD and my BD came over to her and started talking about her new shoes and that was all that happened.
Well what she didn't realize was that the girl who lives next door watched and heard the interaction between her and my BD. That's how we knew that she was trying to invite my BD over to her house to play. When she was confronted about this she didn't even deny it. But like I said this all documented in emails and if she wants to keep pulling punches that's fine because with all the documented eveidence that we have her addmitting up to I'm sure that there is something that the legal system can do.
Yikes, sounds like a very
Yikes, sounds like a very difficult situation.
Perhaps an order of protection is called for?
How old are your future step children? If BM is going to feed them all kinds of BS and lies, maybe it's time for a family meeting between all parents (you, FDH, BM and BM's DH, maybe a mediator), where FDH and BM can together discuss the situation (divorce, DH's remarriage, BM's remarriage) so they can have some clarity.
It seems unlikely that BM would lie about the circumstances of the divorce or possible reconciliation with you and her husband present. I don't mean that the adults should share the nitty gritty details, but saying something like "BM and I both love you kids very much, and we were having a hard time getting along and providing the best home for you guys when we were married. BM and DH, and SM and BD are going to work really hard, together, to give you guys the best *two* homes you can have. BM and BD are never going to live together again, and I know it is complicated but now there are four grownups who love and look out for you instead of just two."
Perhaps she is too crazy for this to work, but maybe something along those lines?
Best of luck to you.
Ripley, Where have you been?
Ripley,
Where have you been? You always give such good advise. I'm going to take my trip to the caribean in three months to get married over eloping. Not that it's not a good idea but a week on the beach with just FDH and I just can't be beat. And there is no way in hell I'll let crazo take that from me.
She would just lie about it.
She would just lie about it. There's no way she would admit up to stalking FDH in front of her new husband, who by the way has already told FSD before her mother married him that he did not want FSD as a daughter.
You can't reason with crazy. When I confronted her about all of the I'm still in love with you texts she told me that it was none of my business. Really? I think in her crazy mind that she thought that FDH and her were sharing a secret relationship. She has admitted to sitting outside the house at 3 am in an email and then tried to justify her behavior.
I think that the best thing for all parties involved is to minimize contact. FDH has an appointment with a psychologist for FSD and her behavior. The first appointment has to be between BM and FDH, which should prove to be very interesting once all this crap is brough up. The psychologist is going to want to know how they communicate in regards to the kids since the divorse and FDH has promissed me that he is going to be honest and not worry about pissing BM off since this is about FSD and it's important for the psychologist to know what type of a person BM is. We never deal with any of the crap from FSD at our house that BM has at hers and I think a lot of that stems from the fact that there is something mentally wrong with BM and that is rubbing off on FSD.
I agree it is unlikely she
I agree it is unlikely she would admit to the stalking or bad behaviors, but I wasn't meaning to address them, I meant more "this is our situation, this is what is going to (or not going to happen in the future." You and DH can minimize contact, but it sounds like she is misleading the kids about the future prospects between her and their dad, and your and his relationship, which you really can't control. If, however, you all talked to kids about where everyone is at, she would have a hard time contradicting that.
My ex- husband is insane, and I totally agree, you can't argue with crazy. But you can try to help the kids know what is actually happening, not just what she says is happening.
Maybe?
She is no longer pulling the
She is no longer pulling the mommy and daddy are getting back together crap anymore. Or at least not to my knowledge. She just can't manage to let go of FDH. After everything she has done she just thinks that it's all water under the bridge and it shouldn't matter because it's all about the kids. Right. So moving an ex con into your house the same month he gets out of prison marrying him four months later and then getting knocked up two weeks after the weeding is in the best interest of the kids?
Letting her now husband tell FSD that he doesn't want her for a daughter is in the best interest of the kids? The only thing that matters to her is what's in the best interest for her and that's it. When she was trying to get back together with FDH I never saw a single text about how they should try and work things out for the kids. It was always about her and what she wanted.