Why does he still have one foot in the old marriage if he's trying to work on having a future marriage with you? Doesn't make sense why he's still so involved with the ex.

Of course, they HAVE been divorced for 10yrs so it's likely perfectly innocent. Of course it's still annoying and I think it undermines your position as "future wife" if he's still living in the past and playing house with the ex. What type of person is he? Does he normally go above and beyond for people? If he does then I would consider it just part of his personality.

I do think he needs to start setting some firmer boundaries and maybe it's time for him to start making the switch from bachelor to "attached and almost married" man. Basically, he needs to cut the cord with his ex unless he involves you in their friendship as well instead of leaving you off in left field somewhere.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

I didn't realize senior pictures included other family members. The appropriate thing to do would have been (if son wanted his Dad in the picture) to take a pose with Dad and Son, then Mom and Son, but not together. And to also offer you to come along.

I'm not sure what difference it makes if the two are you are married or not. You both obviously have plans to be married and are living as a married couple. A ring on the finger should not determine the decisions he makes. It's the commitment between the two of you that determines that.

Do you not attend the out of town events with your Fiance? Your Fiances response to BM should be, "Sure, my Fiance and I would be more than happy to give you a ride"
She can sit in the back seat. Maybe once she see's that YOU are part of his life, and she no longer comes first, she will be too uncomfortable to insert herself.

How long have the two of you been together?

___________________________________________________________________________
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

I don't see a problem with the picture. I personally took the picture of my husband and his x with their daughter when she made her communion. However, the rides to me would be inappropriate.

This is crossing the line in my book. Even if everyone (you, DH and BM) have an unusually great relationship as parents, then you should have been included in the picture as well.

What really matters is that its crossing the boundries with YOU. You feel uncomfortable with the rides, the pictures, the lack of texts, him not integrating you into his family.

You can wait it out until the youngest son graduates which luckily isn't that far down the line. If you can't then you and fiancee need to come up with solutions.

He knows how you feel about the pictures..does he know how you feel about the other issues? Regardless if you come up with a solution your feelings should be heard if these things are truely bothering you or risk resentment.

Ummmmmm....."I" personally would wonder deeply about the "ride" issues at hand.
That's me. It seems a bit too cozy to be ex's. Of course, again, that's me.
No way dh would give bm a ride or even help her with anything after she continues to put more debt on us all.

The "picture" thing, it sounds like you are describing a picture taken of them, of a happily married couple. Are they going to frame it and put it over the sofa?

I don't think so. Again, that's me...

~Good Luck~

MWC (again)

*DH gave all of the pics of BM, back to her. She wasn't thrilled, but, oh well!!!

it is crossing the line. ss should have the mind power to understand that your dh and bm are OVER and that family has been BROKEN UP so a pic of u and bm with ss was inappropriate.

I dont' think it is crossing the line to have a picture taken for your child with your ex spouse. It would have been nice though to have everyone, including you, in the picture. Make it a whole family thing!

I don't think you can judge anyone else's relationship by your own. Just becuase you woudln't do something, shouldn't mean that it isn't good for other people. In the past, my husbands relationship with his ex wife was so positive, she would come to our house for supper, take our daugther to her garden plot to help pull weeds and she even stayed at our home for a weekend and took care of our daughter while we house hunted in another town. It was a wonderful relationship. My husbad helped her move. We talked with each other. It was just the way we had always wanted it. Kindness and love for everyone. Our relaionhip isn't like this today of course. But, I still have hope that one day it might be again.

Your husband loves you. But, he had a family before you too.

NOTE: I am not talking directly to you Sleepless.... I am responding to the posts on here advising you that you should have a problem with the Picture....

I'm not understanding the responses on here saying the Picture thing is innappropriate and that SM should be in the picture too.... SM wasn't involved in making the kid... When it comes down to it SM is NOT one of this kid's parent's.... no matter how hard you try or how much you want to be.... you are not.... He wants a pic of his mom and his dad and I don't see what the big issue is....
Are you seriously going to argue that you are a parent too so you have a 'right' to be in the picture? GET OVER IT.... there is no need to argue over the fact that SM is a "parent" too in every sense of the word... steps take care of the kids, help raise them, feed them, and do everything else that the bio parent does.... but come on people.... the fact of the matter is that the kid wants a picture of his MOM and his DAD and you (the step) are not one of those!

And you, the step standing in the way is wrong, it breeds resentment and it's one of the petty responses by steps that give all of us a bad name. Why deny the kid? What is this REALLY about? Get a grip.... It seems that those of you who have such an issue with the kid having a picture with his mom and his dad are awful immature and insecure... Not only that but I cannot imagine sitting there saying; "well SS.... you can only have your 'family' picture if I'm in it too!!' Why don't you put your hands on your hips and stomp your foot while you're at it?

As a step, I get why the initial feeling would be a little sour.... disgusted even.... but calm down for a minute and lets all think really hard about what we're talking about.... The kid wants a picture of his mom and his dad.... Does DH want the picture? Is DH blowing up the picture, framing it and displaying it on your living room wall? NO.... he didn't even keep a copy of the picuture! THE PICTURE IS FOR THE KID... Get over it.

She's not wrong at all for feeling sour about the situation with the pictures, and noone is 'wrong' for feeling what they do in regards to certain situations they are uncomfortable with.

Ppl can be given many different perspectives on situations, they can hear them out, think about how it makes them feel, compare it to the perspective they went into the situation with, and then determine if that is the perspective that feels right for them or not, but a perspective that is different from yours, doesn't make it wrong, IMO. **shrugs**

Sleepless, YOU have determine what YOU'RE comfortable with. Noone else can determine that for you honey.

___________________________________________________________________________
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

So let me get this straight..... You don't see a problem with the picture if they are freshly divorced but you do see a problem if they have been divorced for ten years because it 'sends the wrong message'?? HELLO!! Are you kidding me? Taking a "family" picture would be SOOO much more confusing if it were taken while the divorce was still fresh..... But 10 years later?! Obviously they are NOT getting back together and I am sure the now grown kids long ago accepted that.... Do you really think that that a picture is going to change things?
Also.... You don't see a problem with the picture if there were no stepparents involved? Really? So the kid can't have the picture he wants because of his dad remarried? Nice.
The funniest thing I read above was that the picture "undermines" the marriage? For God's sake.... If you believe that.... You've got quite the looonng, miserable road ahead of yourself. Good luck to you.

I had a similar situation occur before I married DH. We were living together then. BM lived 1&1/2 hrs away, which meant when he went down to visit he would sit around her house w/ the kids after taking them to dinner or going to their school event, sometimes for hours. This made me very uncomfortable to begin w/ but what made matters worse was BM did not like me & since it was her home, I was never invited. Well, one night DH came home & after he took pics @ the kids choir concert he took some pics @ BM's house. Some of the kids, some of BM& the kids, then some of just BM (WTF!)... and for the finale..... One of him, BM & oldest daughter sitting on him&BM's legs, inbetween them. I was pissed! It was the last straw... so much stuff before that I don't have time to write. I ended up leaving him. He begged me to come back. Some things got better, we got married last April. Most things have not changed. Anything @ BM's home... I am not welcome, but he goes... for the kids. I understand doing things for the kids but if she has a problem w/anything & does not want me there, she throws a fit, he gives in & tells me he has to because he doesn't want the kids effected by the tension it causes between him & BM. In fact Friday he is going to BM's for the 1st night of Hanukkah... dinner & presents. I am not invited again. But he will go... for the kids.

I know you are engaged & you surely love your fiance.... just be sure how much you can deal with before getting married.

Good Luck!

"No One Ever Said Life Is Fair!"- My Father

Always keep in mind, no matter how many years go by. "MOST" Adult children of divorce would give anyhing to have the parents & family Unit together.
Recently My FH's BD(29) mentioned, in a phone call "BM" went to Rehab, and hasn't drank now in 5 months. Would you consider trying again, daddy? They were married 25 yrs, but the divorce was 13 years ago. He of course he told her,NO,there was more to the divorce then her drinking, he told her. And to please do not bring it up again. Just love your Mother, hold her close to you. She needs you. She's a wonderful person, but not for me. And he told her, I'm here for you too.
So the pictures?? Being I will be his new wife,shortly. I really don't have a problem with Pictures. I think it should be The kid/kids, mom and dad. Also the child alone,and with each parent. And If I am married to him, and were asked, One picture of all of us, as the "second" family unit would be great. If it makes the children happy, and content, there's nothing wrong with it. It will be the same for wedding photo's etc, down the road. Example:
(bride,the Birth parents), (bride,grandparents). (Dad & new wife, bride), (ExBM with new husband and bride), (then all of us too as a second family unit).
I plan on Hanging all the photo's he has in Our Home( minus) a Wedding pic, or romantic type pics, of the EX-BM and him.
I feel the pictures of their lives,S children, from birth and up, should be displayed, in both homes. And I will display all of my pics, chidren/ grandchildren too, along side his.( I'm a widow ) I feel, no jealousy, towards her, none. I know he is done with her. I know there was too much hurt, to ever try again.
Does he love her, of course,he will always love her, but in a certain way, She is the Mother of his children. But he loves her at a different level now. Would he help her, Sure, he would,And I wouldn't have a problem, with that either, unless it was constant/daily. I would expect him to be helpful and kind to her, if she needs help, Give her a ride,why not. Trust in your MAN. IF he is cruel to her, he will be cruel someday to you!!
And more importantly, he doesn't LOVE her, the way he loves me. Our relationship and committment is strong, and the love is deep, I don't see anyone interferring. He lives 1700 miles from me.( until Spring) I trust him 100%. If I didn't,I shouldn't be with him.
So I wouldn't worry. Unless I saw red flags,or he gave me good reason to worry, and if he did, I would handle it.
It looks like he's trying to be honest with you. So give him the benefit of doubt, and trust in his word. He could be giving her rides and NOT disclosing them? And he's being honest , trust him.!! We all need trust, honesty,love, and great communication to hold a solid marriage together.
Actually I am looking forward to meeting the Children Christmas. And hopefully I will get to meet the EXBM. in the near future. We as adults must keep the lines of communication open for the best interest of the Children and grand children. Remember he had the children way before, we were in the picture, he's NOT going to replace them, You can be replaced..LOLOL.
Never come between him and his children, Love him and try hard to love his family too. They will always be his kids. And he will always love them, even when ,he doesn't like some of their behaviors !!

Sus: beautifully stated. You sound like a very strong, stable, loving influence. Kudos to you

Green: the situation you described sound entirely innapropriate. I was referring to professional, tasteful photos.... Not candid, flirty type photos. I would have been so completely pissed in your shoes. I hope dh has straightened out! Also, I thin it's really sad that you're 'not allowed' to attend events for the skids... Sounds like bm is quite threatened by you and is taking it out on her own kids.... Very sad....

I would totally disagree giving her rides or taking her ANYWHERE.
Time to cut the ol marriage strings with his ex. You need to really express your direct feelings about this,tell him how you feel, why you feel it is wrong and what you expect. The only way to nip situations and problems like this in the butt is to be very direct and percise in what you want and expect.

" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore

As both a stepmom a stepdaughter (parents divorced and both remarried) I see both sides to "Is this crossing the line"

I have pictures myself with my mom and dad at things like graduation, wedding, and other events that were momentous in my life. Those pictures were accompanied by pictures I have with my mom and stepdad and dad and stepmom. My parents were always very good about playing nice when we (my sister and I) were around. On the other hand, when my stepson had his first day of preschool at age 4 (he's now 6) BM insisted on a pic of both her and my husband together with him. Our situation with BM is NOT nice or cordial or anything close and has progressively gotten worse. That was the last picture she and my husband took together and there wont be any more.

As far as your fiance giving BM rides to games and events I do think that is crossing the line, my parents never did stuff like that, and I'd have a stroke if my husband ever did that.

It really matters how it all makes you feel. There's nothing wrong with simply having a conversation with him so he knows how you're feeling and where you're coming from. The number one thing for a successful marriage is being able to communicate and see the others point of view (not that you'll always agree with it)

*

I'm a bit late on this post, but wow... First, I guess agree and disagree..its def a hard situation.. My bf is goin thru a divorce with his ex that has been dragging, he and I live togther n have been together a year(just so u know my history for the answer) this might be long.. But it will be worthwhile for advice.. I am 23 and my parents divorced when I was 4.. The first pic since my parents split, of me n my sis with my parents, was taken last year! And mind you, it was a graduation n there were aunts n uncles in the pic, and my parents weren't even standing together.. BUT I know if I was graduating n wanted a pic with my parents, it wouldn't be for a senior pic! Maybe at my party, but I believe I would include my parents new spouces! Out of consideration... I do have to say tho, that around xmas last year, my bf n ex had already filed divorce, she also had a bf.. It would be the kids first xmas without their parents together, and believe this... My bf spent xmas morning with his kids, at his old house!!! Yep!! And believe me you, we battled it out! His thoughts were, "I'm not spending xmas with my ex, I'm spending it with my kids" my response, she will be there with you! (How we got past that..idk lol, that's why we r strong now?) Anyways.. After that mornin on xmas, he took the kids to HIS family party.. And lord and behold, guess who showed up?!? That's right, BM.. At his family party! She wanted "one last family picture" I about threw up!! R u kidding me?! NOW that is wrong! Lol, I have to laugh cause she is nuts, and he didn't even smile.. My thoughts, if the kid wants a pic, envolve all spouces.. So nobody is hurt! As for the rides.. NO WAY! That is uncalled for in all ways!

I am sure I will offend a lot of people with my opinion.. But it is just my opinion -)

Sometimes I feel we make such a big issue about ex spouses or new relationships or spouses we forget about the kids.

Yes we are divorced but we did not divorce our kids.. So, I can completely understand why a child grown or not would want a photo with their mom and dad.

Personally it would not offend me at all if my FH was in a photo with his ex. This photo is for the children.

Geez sleeplessinoklahoma,

You're situation sounds exactly like mine! My DH and BM were married 18 years with two adult children 18 and 22. Except for my DH says he was the jerk to them and now because of that he parents out of guilt. He asked me once if BM could ride with him to an out of town soccer game. I said hell no! Not right dude. I think my DH's intentions were honorable - he's just way too nice. He also used to go to BM's and do chores for her - cooking, repairs, etc.. I had to stop that too. I was totally not comfortable with it and knew he did that stuff out of guilt.

I need to PM you. And guess what - I'm in Oklahoma too.

I have this issue with my boyfriend and his ex-wife who I think needs to stop calling him and asking him for money. Just a few days ago she called my boyfriend asking if he could give her some money to go and get her hair done. Here's the thing they are divorced and they have NO children together or any kind of property. She thinks that because I am cool I won't mind her calling and asking him for things....um YEAH I mind he's not your husband anymore he's in a relationship with me. I did mention this to my boyfriend that it bothered me when she calls asking for money and she's asked him twice on two different ocassions for money to get her hair done.

My thing is that my boyfriend is not obligated to give her any money since he's not married to her anymore. She is also pregnant by another man who I told my boyfriend she needs to get money from if she wants her hair done or something to eat. Some women think that just because you're not with the man you can still call him for things when you are interfering with that person's marriage or relationship. I would put your foot down and make it clear that boundaries need to be drawn and enforcing it. I intend to tell my boyfriend that he has to let his ex wife know if she wants her hair done she needs to ask her boyfriend for the money or save up since she's got a job because it's not his place to be supporting her after the marriage has officially ended.

Some women have a hard time moving on after a breakup or divorce and it's up to you to express that clearly to your spouse or partner that their exes have to respect the relationship. Setting boundaries stops a lot of this stuff from happening and ex wives, husbands, boyfriends, and girlfriends have to realize that once a marriage or relationship is over and your ex is with someone else that's not your place to be calling a lot and asking them for things they are not obligated to give you anything. Ex spouses and partners need to know their place and letting them know where the line is drawn. Always handle the situation with maturity and no conflict usually an ex will back off if the former spouse or partner lets them know that they are crossing the line with things they're asking for or doing.

My thought on the pic thing, if my stepdaughter asked my wife and her ex to take a picture with her, I'd encourage it. The rides for the ex, while being nice, is kinda being a doormat. Anywho, just my $.02

I don't see a problem with a family photo if a child is asking for it. This is in the best interest of the child who is asking for it, not the parents'. If my daughter wants a picture someday with her father and me in the picture all together, I would do it for her. (Now keep in mind, this would a tastefully done, professional photo.) If she wants a picture of her parentage, I have no problem with that. I don't think my ex would either since it is for our child. I think I know him well enough to say he would do it for her too.

For the sporting events: Maybe she wants to be more involved in her children's lives by going to the sporting events. It took getting the divorce for my ex to become more involved in our daughter's activities. We live in two separate states so I don't have that problem of him wanting rides to sporting events. However, he has never come up to visit on any of his "extra weekends" allotted to him in the decree. He just waits for his normal visitation with her to do stuff. If his kids are in the car with him and her, I don't think there is anything to worry about. He is just showing a kindness to her. Divorcees can be civil to each other for their kids if they really want to be (and it can have nothing to do with whether they like each other or not). It's purely for the kids' benefit to enjoy their parents present for their activities and not fighting with each other.

I remember when they had to go to a school meeting of their son....and she come to the house, get into my husband car and leave together....the excuse is about being supportive parents and blah blah blah.
Well each one of them has a car but there's no need to go together because they can meet over there. I was so angry.....is very important to establish boundaries since the beginning otherwise those type of things are going to eat you alive if you don't open your mouth.

Please do not accept your husband picking her up...!!