Well that didn't last long
I posted yesterday about going to marriage counseling for the first time and feeling hopeful. Today I am back down again. It started with my BS19 finding a gift online that he thought would be perfect for my DH. He was on the fence about mentioning to the skids because SS18 didn't really say anything last week when BS first talked about it and asked if he would want to go in on it, and SD15 does not really acknowledge his existance. The gift came in the mail today and he wants to give to DH tomorrow as an early Fathers Day gift. Skids will be here, so I told him he should text both of them (he was at work) and ask, say he needs to know by x time if they want in, and if he hasn't heard, then not to worry about it anymore. So he did. SS responded right away and said sure, he would give him $ tonight Nothing at all from SD, so apparently she is freezing out my son through texts like she does me. So that brought me down. Just rude, especially after her complaining about my son and I seeming separate. Well stuff like that is why. Then later DH informs me she is getting out of school early tomorrow from exams and her brother is picking her up and bringing her here. Cool. Oh and she is bringing a friend. I am off tomorrow. If he had asked me if I minded, I would have said no. But because he tells me what is already set up without asking for my input when I am the one at home, my blood pressure skyrockets. We literally just talked about this at the counselor yesterday. Don't disregard me....he spent all evening talking about how he is sorry for doing that and he is going to make changes, and barely 24 hours later once SD steps foot in the house again, that is all forgotten. Instead of shutting down I told him i was upset, and he doesn't get it. And rolls over and goes to sleep. If things were fine, if he hadnt admitted some things to me that show SD js trying to come beteeen us, if stepping over me hadnt beem happening for years and we hadnt just gone to counseling becaue of it, telling me a friend is coming might bot be a big deal. But right now it is, I had thought he was going to start making some changes in how he does things. I really don't think it is going to get better and it makes me so sad because I don't want to lose my marriage. But I can't keep beating my head against the wall. Not sure what to even say to him at this point. Sorry for the rant....trying to remind myself that this is a journey that can't fix itself right away. : /
That's right. It won't fix
That's right. It won't fix itself right away.
Now, while it's still fresh in his little mind, you must at once say to him, hey, we just talked with the counselor about you making decisions in a vacuum and not discussing them with me. Try not to be too angry when you say it -- he is (supposedly) attempting to change long-time behavior and it won't happen easily or overnight. But this is the perfect example of the issue, so now is the time to remind him.
We went through the exact same thing and I was shocked he couldn't get it right the first few times he had the chance to show me he could, well, get it right. You just have to keep reminding him: "This is exactly what the counselor cautioned us about. You're always, ALWAYS supposed to tell the kids, 'Let me check with Stepper47 first.'" No, you shouldn't have to, but you will have to because he and his kids have been operating this way for so long.
The other approach is that you could just tell him that because he didn't ask, it's not OK and he has to tell his kids NO after the fact. But I'd reserve this for later when he still can't remember to consult you first. Give him a chance now. But every single time he does this, you MUST reinforce that he handled it the wrong way.
I'm still trying to convince my dog that the carpet is not the grass. We have the same go around every time my dog confuses the carpet for the grass. These men are not much better when their kids are involved. It's much easier not to hold it against my dog, though.
Hang in there, Stepper. You can do this. I'm not sure your husband can, but you can. Next time you go to the counselor, tell him/her about every instance when he failed and let him/her set your husband straight in a more meaningful way. It's always better coming from that third party. Just give it some time. I'm not guaranteeing your husband will ever get it, but you've gotten this far so you might as well keep trying.