Update - I should have my head examined
Sorry all, I feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride and dragging you all with me, but I just have to vent.
So after agreeing to my list of conditions to move back in two weeks ago, I asked DH to consider whether it would be a good idea to live apart for six months. Let him get things worked out with his kids, let me think, etc. He didn't like that idea, but has now decided that if I don't want to have BM's nephew over for every visitation that we have the skids for, then he should probably move back to their town and live apart from me since he needs to "put his kids first like I put mine first". Oh really? Driving a three year old 4 to 8 hours every weekend to pick up and drop off the skids, and bring SS17 to her minimum wage job is in DD3's best interest? Supporting DH so that he can support his lazy ass exwife and kids instead of putting that money into an account for DD3's college is in her best interest? Dropping DD3 off with my family to take DD17 to visit colleges for 4 days was in her best interest? No - I have been putting him and his spawn first or at least equal to my DD3. It just hasn't been the other way around EVER.
I will be putting DD3 and myself first NOW - over my dead body will I cave and spend a full week of Xmas vacation with BM's horrible nephew. Frankly, he will never set foot in this house again, regardless of what happens with me and DH. He is a 14 year old with a screw loose that DH has not adopted or has any legal right/obligation to. Not interested in allowing him around my 3 year old.