Unsure if I'm with my girlfriend because of the kids
My "girlfriend" and I have a one year old son together. Over this past summer we separated due to me not wanting to be stuck in a relationship with her or her two kids as well as her not appreciating anything I was doing for them. We have recently reconciled, but nothing has really changed. I feel that I'm with her just to see my son until things get settled in court. She thinks she can keep my son with me if we are not together. At one point I did love her, but now I'm just with her to see my son on a regular basis. I feel trapped being with her. I am seeking counseling privately to talk about myself and my situation. I'm looking for advice from every direction. I don't think this relationship will last too much longer, and I don't want to keep fooling myself that things will change when they aren't. I just want to be a part of my son's life and I don't feel she has the right to say other wise.
What kind of custody
What kind of custody arrangement and visitation schedule do you currently have with your older child? Getting at least visitation rights likely would be no different/harder for this current child than the one you already have.
I would think staying together for a child would not be in the best longterm interest of the baby. When parents fight and/or are obviously unhappy together as a couple it leaves the child in a bad unhappy homelife. With your newest baby, visitation may not be as much while he's a baby and a young toddler as it could change to as he gets a bit older, but once child starts preschool he'd be quite ready longer/more visitation schedules. Consult a lawyer and see what the guidelines and laws are in your state. Did you sign the birth certificate? That would waive perhaps the initial stage of having to establish paternity as legal father. While, unless for some reason your GF would be found an unfit mother, yes, she would usually receive primary custody as her custodial role was a given at birth. But your GF can't keep you from this child just because she is mother and would have primary with residential. Even as an unmarried biological father you still have rights to parenting time and have regular visitation. Of course you would also be expected to help support the baby with CS (perhaps daycare and healthcare also).
No one here can advise you what is best for you or you and the baby, it's a personal decision you'll have to weigh for yourself. Staying with someone when the situation is all wrong for you doesn't guarantee a good happy childhood for your baby nor does ending the relationship mean you can not have a close relationship and a strong bond with your child. Of course he would see your son less, but if the time you currently have in the home is unhappy and stressful only you know what that could do to the entire household.
What is being settled in
What is being settled in court?
Fight for at least equal
Fight for at least equal custody. Now days as long as you are a good dad you should have no issue getting 50/50 placement with your son. Do not stay for your kids. This is my opinion and by what I have learned in life.
My DH was going to leave his first wife and she found out she was pregnant so he stayed. He stayed through all the crap she put him through, cheating on him, spending all his money with no answer to where the money was going..ect. He stayed for 16 years because he had 2 kids with her and didn't want them growing up without a dad. She left him for another man.
If you have any attachment to her other kids, don't stay just for that either. Part of the reason I stayed (for the record, I am madly in love with my husband) BUT I know part of the reason I stayed was also because of his youngest daughter. Her and I were so close until one day she turned on us (due to drug issues) and now she doesn't have any contact with us. Anyways if your heart is not in it, don't stay. You will not only hurt yourself but you will hurt her and your son more.
Unless there is a way you two can work it out together...counseling with her? anything to make your relationship better and more worth it. Do you still love her, could you see yourself with out her? Also could you see her with another man who would be in your sons life? Those are all questions you have to weigh out. Sorry you are going through this.
^^ This my DH stayed because
Also, my parents were married 21.5 years I believe and my mom stayed for the kids. As a child I cannot tell you how uncomfortable it became knowing there was tension in the house and this started at a fairly young age as my mom will think back and talk about me asking to go see me great-grandmother most of the time when my father was home at the ages of 4/5. Mind you my dad wasn't home a lot as he went to school to become a veterinarian in another town than where we lived however my mom couldn't move us as she was making the optimal money where were at and she supporting 2 kids, and 2 houses (our and his). It is not fun for you if there is not love and want to be there and I promise you it won't be for the child either no matter how much you pretend.
Please take the other post advice and take mine as well. I have seen this from many different sides.
I see that you are receiving
I see that you are receiving counseling for yourself, would your gf be open to couples' counseling? the two of you have a child together. if both of you could put your own desires on the back burner, just to get this child raised with both feet on the ground (you'll get your life back one day), it would be in the best interest of your child. like another poster said, are you prepared for her to get a new boyfriend and this other man being with your child daily? a man that you have absolutely no say in how he was selected, a man that you will have absolutely no control of? do you trust girlfriend's judgement enough to select a decent person? you son may even call this man "dad". honey, when you have a family, you ARE trapped. for the next 18+ years whether you live there or not. this woman will lurk in the shadows of your life FOREVER. can't run far enough without running from your child. why not at least make the effort to make sure your SON is raised properly with two parents in the same home? if at all possible, don't turn your kid into another "victim" of divorce/ended relationship. you shouldn't go until EVERYTHING has been attempted.