I do not know what to say to you, you are gutted and I can feel it in what you write. Do you have reason to feel this way, yes I think you do. However, and this is the awful part. You cannot make this child love you, you really cannot make any of them LOVE you, but your partner should damn well make sure they respect and appreciate you.

This matter needs to be addressed, this girl is not 2, she is well aware of feelings, God help anyone who hurt hers. She has her own feelings and that was clearly shown at the graduation, so now, she needs to be reminded or made aware that others have feelings too and what she did too you was wrong. It was unappreciative and ungrateful, and on those grounds alone, grounds that she will understand the matter needs to be addressed.

I think your fiance should have told her on the day that she wanted a photo with yourself, daughter and her in it, she should have made this young girl aware there and then subtly that what she was doing wasn't right. It did not have to be brought up during the day of the graduation, but could have been shown to her by your fiance instigating something as simple as having a photograph with you and her mother.

You need to sit down and have a long hard talk with your fiance about this, and you cannot let her make excuses for her daughter ie: it was her grad she was excited. Okay, fine, but she did the wrong thing and now let's talk to her about it. If you don't, well this is not going to be the first big event in this girls life is it, where will you stand for the next one, and the next one. Will you pay for the wedding while bio dad walks her down aisle.

Please talk to your fiance about how you feel then see how it goes. Personally, I think she should have never moved onto the restaurant with the family without speaking to her daughter about her treatment of you and sorting that out there and then, I think that was the most awful part. The child, well she's 14, self centred brat, they all are at that age, but it was up to her mother to support you and deal with that there and then. I am so very sorry for you. I know how much it hurts.

My SD8 does this EVERY SINGLE TIME she sees her mother (which is one time per year for a week!)...it takes her AGES to "like" me again.

I'm sorry that you are going through this! I know from experience (I too am residential SM to SD8 & SS9 with a next to never involved BM) that it can break your heart.

It sounds to me like you've thrown your all into this family but not realized that doing all that you do does not make you "dad"...you can love them, do everything for them & bend over backwards...but you aren't the dad.

Is BD paying CS? It doesn't sound like he does...this situation SUCKS.

I'm sorry!

(((hugs)))

What role is mom playing in all of this? Is she working? Why isn't dad paying CS?

My DH has been raising my daughter since she was 5, she is now 10. She barely sees her father, he lives far away and she sees him maybe once a year. He pays no child support and my DH pays for everything. He basically has nothing to do with her except for a few phone calls here and there.

The first time my exh was coming to visit, my DH said he was so afraid that the exact thing you described was going to happen. He said his heart would break if she went running into his arms. He did not want to be there when they saw each other.

It did not happen as she was a little shy when she saw him but I could see the stress on DH's face and I felt so bad. I tried to explain to him that no matter what, that is still her father and in her eyes he can do no wrong. It won't be until later in life that she will see him for the loser that he is.

I stress about what will happen when she gets married one day. Will she have her father walk her down the aisle? This asshole that has done nothing for her ever!! My DH would be devastated because he considers her his daughter.

I don't know what to say but I see how you can be very hurt over this. She is old enough to understand but is at a really selfish age also. I have SD15 that lives with us and she has zero regard for other peoples feelings. She may not see until much later that he is a loser and it was you that raised her.

I also have talked to my exh who says that he is sad that another man is raising his daughter. But he moved away, he chooses not to visit and pay child support so he chose not to be in her life. It was not me.

I am sorry you are so hurt. It is heart-breaking to feel an outsider in your family... however, you are not. These kids are your real family, have been and will be. I do not think your father-daughter relationship is over. It will survive.

As an adult daughter who is estranged from her father, i think i can explain what happened. Let me try. Your father not being there for you when you are a young girl sends you a message ( that you will not be able to articulate if asked) that you are unworthy of love. If he can walk out on me, then i must be unlovable. When he is not there, showing no interest in me, a whole big piece of my soul is missing. The girl feels awful. When he shows up, after missing so many other occasions, she is made whole again: this is how things should be, this is the natural order of things, restored. Him coming to her party means he loves her, means she can feel proud and hold hr head high and be validated. She is not considering anyone else's feelings. She was deprived of his attention before, so now is her feast! Her fete! Her festival! She is not able to acknowledge you because him being there crowds out anything and anyone else. She does not feel remorseful because you have a strong bond with her and she feels secure knowing that you love her.

Having said all that, the one with the broken heart will be your SD when her BF lets her down, as he very likely will, more than once. You will be there to comfort her.

Think of Marc Ruffalo making an appearance in Kids Are Alright. Or of adoptive parents dealing with adopted kids taking off in directions unknown to find their birth mothers. It does not change the equation in the end: we all know who their real parents are.

I do not think this man should throw in the towel and disengage as step 1. They have been a loving caring family up until now and to lay all the blame at the SD's feet and tell him to disengage it ridiculous. Be aware, act upon it, deal with it, discuss it at length with his partner, and stand up for himself, demand respect for himself absoutely, but disengage, no, it is too soon and too harsh at this point in time. I think we all know disengaging leaves a lasting impact on the marriage, does he want to go there after 1 incident. All be it a very, very serious and hurtful incident. But I think he would rather resolve it than keep it going on now forever and disengaging going to leave a forever imprint.

I would strongly suggest one incident does not become 2. Your partner taking the attitude "you'll get over it" is not on. She herself owes you a huge apology for her role in this, and you need to demand it. You do need to show her you will no except this, this is not the life you planned for her and your daughters, and they are your daughters from your account of things. If this is how your partner intends to deal with this situation in the future the you need to know now.

Another poster suggested you take the girl out for an ice cream and discuss it with her, I think that is an excellent idea. Let her know you are happy for her, you understand he is her bio father etc., but communicate to her you felt hurt. Not in a I hate you now way (which I am sure you won't), but in a she needs to be mindful of other peoples feelings too way.

Pilgram soul has expressed it very eloquently and in reading that, while I felt disengaging over this was wrong before she has convinced me even more, if her father walked out and left her, and you pretty do much the same but worse really because you have been Mr Dependible, then I hate to think what damage that could do.

It needs to be addressed and your partner cannot stick her head in the sand over this. Please talk to her. Work this out, because this has to be a one time only thing, it can never happen again. By that I do not mean the daughters reaction to her father, I mean the way you were pushed aside.

Sueu2 and pilgram soul have covered it beautifully for you. Having said that can I just add this. I have 3 children, my second, my son was deeply IN LOVE with his mum, we used to complete each others sentences. At the age of 16 he got a girlfriend, nothing serious, but I wasn't too happy, still I coped. At the age of 24 he got a serious girlfriend. You know what. I was dead set jealous of her, I really was, I was hurt that my son could just dump me like that for this slip of a girl.

I was completely shocked at myself and to this day thank God I instantly recognised I was jealous and allowed my son to grow up and start his own life, but I still remember the hurt dumping me for someone else caused.

My son replaced me (little shit), or so I felt at the time, and it hurt. You possibly feel your SD is replacing you. I don't think so, I think it is exactly as Sueu2 and PilgramSoul have described it. However, your feelings on this are 100% valid and I say again. Your partner has to bear the responsibility for this, she took part in it, she by her complaceny and going along with it, encouraged it, and you need to tell her to cut it out because her daughter is going to learn from her mother's example. Mom went along with the whole shibang and mom left you at home alone and upset (they must have all seen it, come on), and daughter saw what mom did. Speak to your partner, she has made a huge mistake here.

YOU KNOW WHAT, BETTER STILL. SHOW YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN HERE. IF WHAT YOU WROTE DOES NOT WAKE HER UP TO HOW MUCH SHE BROKE YOUR HEART (SHE NOT YOUR SD) THEN NOTHING WILL. SHOW HER YOUR LETTER AND THE RESPONSES IF YOU LIKE.

As a fellow who has been through this I'm going to disagree with most of what the others have said. Maybe all of them I didn't read them all. I'll tell the story below for those who really want to read it.

This little girl has been missing her father for years now. She's built up a fantasy about him and when he actually arived all her hopes and dreams came true. That's not a rejection of you - its a reaffirmation of 'blood is thicker than water'. This is normal behavoir for a child this age.

Children are not going to think about what you've done for them financially, emotional support, food and clothing. It was all provided in the normal course of life. Everyone else in her life had it that way so what's new? Or better yet what's missing? A Daddy of course.

What you need to do is continue on the high road you took when he showed up. Continue to be there for her exactly as you were in the past. Encourage any contact between the two that they wish to participate in.

Listen. First this guy may have turned a corner. He may now be interested in his family. He may have gotten off the booze - he may have finally gotten financially stable - he may have just woken up to what he's been missing.

If you listen to the others and disengage or go to war with this guy you alone will be the loser. She and Daddy will tighten ranks and both become your enemy. Don't do that to her or yourself and lose all you've built up.

Listen more - you're a step-father. You're powerless in the face of bio-family. As the bio-father he can take all the rights of such a title and you opposing him either in civil court or the court of his kids opinions will result in a loss to you. Step aside and let him create whatever connection he is able to connect.

If he continues to be the bum he has been in the past, and he probably will, his children will in the passage of time come to realize who the real hero is. Let them come to that conclusion on their own. Don't encourage them and don't let your wife - the bio-mother - bad mouth him or try to hurry the process. They're not stupid, just young and naive. Let him build his own history with his children - for good or bad.

There are people here who want their hate to be passed on to all who visit here. Who would have you start WWIII over a simple snub of a new wife by a ex-wife. Don't fall into that trap - remain cordial towards him. He'll dig his own grave if indeed he deserves one.

Trust me I've been exactly where you were: My story - my childrens step father was a blow hard promising all sorts of physical toys and trips and vacations. At one time I delivered the boys home and the eldest ran to him yelling "Daddy Daddy Daddy". Well hell yes he had promised a gasoline driven scooter.

Guess how many of these primises came to fruitation? Zero. And when they came to realize what type of guy he was the disillusion started. Today although they have kept in contact with him there is a large segment of disgust for him as they realize what he was doing. The oldest around 12 at the time has zero contact. The middle around 10 has minimal contact and the youngest around 6 at the time has the most contact but even that is only when there is a need such as when their mother died.

That moment of "Daddy" was the heartbreak you feel and I feel it again reading your story. Although later I reminded the children of the difference between father and step-father I knew that by making a big deal out of it I could lose the whole ball game. In the end I was right but it did take 10 years before it was all over and the dust settled. And all of it settled on him.

^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^ (Orange County Ca)

My former SD19 still has her father on a pedestal and neither I or her mom can figure it out. My kids are the same way. Well, my son sees through him, but my daughter ignores/forgets all the crap he does and it's all good again every time she sees him. It's very frustrating!

Also, my parents never divorced...and do you know when I actually appreciated all the things my dad did for us such as schlepping us to practices and trips out of town for meets, etc.? A couple of years ago when I was schlepping my kids around and I realized how much work it is! 14 yr olds are SO self absorbed, and as described above, she has built her dad up to be a freakin super hero.

This is not fair to you. I think we all understand your pain. But you need to remember with any child...you have to love selflessly and without expectations...unconditionally. If you only give to her because you will get something-ANYthing- in return, you need to stop. If you truly want her to have/be/do, then by all means keep on giving.

I would not talk to the mom about this, I would speak directly to SD14. My guess is that she will be SHOCKED that this bothered you at all because she figures you know where you and she stands. She has not been a parent, so she doesn't understand what you are going through from your perspective. All you need to tell her is that you care for her very much and that you were hurt by being pushed aside. Tell her that you may never replace her father in her eyes, but that you consider her a daughter and will continue to treat her as such. It might help if you wrote her a letter so that she can ponder it by herself before responding. Otherwise, she may be defensive.

Yes you are hurt, and you have the right to be, however I don't think disengaging is the way to go. You have spent the last 5 years doing what is in the best interest of these kids; this is not the time to abandon that mentality. The kids need you in thier life, and will realize as they get older that you were the one always there for them. Even if they never fully appreciate you, wouldn't you rather go through life knowing that you always did the right thing by them and put them first? Disengaging will disrupt your relationship with your fiance and the other kids; it just doesn't seem worth all that.

I sympathize with you. When I remarried his daughter was a little older though, 19. His home was horrible and we both worked at good jobs and I put my check in the bank along with his. We turned this place into a home, something his children never had before. Totally remodeled it. Redid her bedroom into something cute for her. I got her her first cell phone. But it sounds to me emotions run deep, I can tell you that. Her mom is passed away for 13 years now and she still plays the guilt card on her father. She never dressed so well until I came into the picture. But one thing I feel you and your wife should sit down and make time to tell her how you feel. You have a right to your feelings. They are yours. I made the mistake of trying to make them like me with material things. But they must like you for who you are. For now you deserve some space from your SD. If she should ever ask you whats wrong, in the right way try to explain. Your wife needs to back you up more.

These girls it sounds like did not have a father they could depend on. He will more than likely let them down again then maybe they will appreciate you more.

I am very glad you spoke with your partner about this. But please, keep an eye on it, and don't let it happen to you again. I it does, deal with it on the spot. Immediately talk to your partner there and then. No one deserves this nonsense. Also,if you say nothing, put up with it, keep it inside, then everyone around you thinks you are accepting of it, so they keep on doing it. If you want your family to respect you, you have to respect yourself too. You know that you deserve better treatment than you got, and I hope you guys work through this and it NEVER happens again but they are kids,it might, so your partner needs to be there in the moment to teach her kids right from wrong. I wish you all the best.

It is fantastic to hear that things have settled in the marriage. It may happen again, and a kids parents are a kids parents we can never be a mother or father to them no matter what. But somehow in your case given that you and your wife have talked this out, I think that the next time will not be so "in your face" and your partner will stand beside you, so therefore as much as it will still hurt, you will not feel completely abandoned by your entire family. I do think that as this girl grows into womanhood she will look back and be grateful for what you did. She is only 14, she will have a few rough years ahead (so will you) before she becomes a real human being. Buckle up and brace yourself for the ride. Thank goodness you and your partner will be in the drivers seat together this time.

It is fantastic to hear that things have settled in the marriage. It may happen again, and a kids parents are a kids parents we can never be a mother or father to them no matter what. But somehow in your case given that you and your wife have talked this out, I think that the next time will not be so "in your face" and your partner will stand beside you, so therefore as much as it will still hurt, you will not feel completely abandoned by your entire family. I do think that as this girl grows into womanhood she will look back and be grateful for what you did. She is only 14, she will have a few rough years ahead (so will you) before she becomes a real human being. Buckle up and brace yourself for the ride. Thank goodness you and your partner will be in the drivers seat together this time.