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Survived the grad party

stepper47's picture

Yesterday was the day I had been dreading for weeks, SDs grad party, given by BM.  I wasn't really anxious about seeing her for the first time since Chrstmas. It was that I assumed it would be her friends and BM's family, all of who I assume have heard the worst version of events in our relationship with SD, and therefore  look at me as "evil SM".   I had it built up into that it was going to be uncomfortable at best, humiliating at worst.  

It was neither, I actually had a nice time.  The original list included us, my son, and my inlaws for DH's side.  For once, I was grateful for my mother in law's rude habit of inviting a bunch of people to someone else's party - she did that here with DH's extended family, even though he had told her *he* wasn't giving the party.  Worked for me, especially because the first people we came to were his cousins who are awesome, and talking to them first helped me feel at ease.  There were actually more people from DH's side than BM's side.  Thanks, MIL!   SD had her polite face on, and from the outside you would not know there were any issues between her and us.  I left actually thinking maybe things will be ok, maybe this thawed the ice and she and DH can start to rebuild. 

SS21 lives about an hour away, and had planned just to come for the party and home the same day. Friday night he called DH and said he just realized Sunday was Fathers day and asked if he could stay with us Sat night and take DH to breakfast.  That was nice.  After the party, he came back here and it came up about my son and I going, which I hadn't planned on but since they asked, this morning the 4 of us went out to breakfast.  No one mentioned SD, and I did not ask.  Later in the afternoon, DH got a text from her saying happy Father's day and that she hoped he enjoyed the breakfast she wasn't invited to. He said he responded that typically kids reach out to their dads to set something up to see them on fathers day instead of the other way around.  There was more from her he didn't share with me but he was upset.   So crazy how we can go from feeling optimistic about things one day, and realizing it's still mess the next.  

I am wondering if SS actually did tell her/ask her beforehand.   Clearly he told her at some point, she didn't have any other way of knowing that we went and she even knew what restaurant.   Doesn't really matter because it's ridiculous either way, but if he had invited her (which I feel like he would have), it's kind of next level to use that as a reason to be mean to her father. 

DH is feeling done, he is seeing a pattern in that she is pretty much touching every holiday or event  with something crazy to use against him.  He said he can't handle getting hurt like this over and over when there is literally nothing he can do about it.  I don't know if that will stick, easy to say when you are hurt and angry.  I am leaving their relationship up to them, I just hate to see him hurt.  For me though, I feel like I have done what I need to do, and I'm ready to keep my distance from her.   I heard some things out of BM yesterday, along with some other things DH revealed about his relationship with BM, that proves to me that SD is so negatively influenced toward DH and I that I don't think there is any fixing it on our side.    I think it if anything will help, it's time and SD being out from under BM once she goes to college in the fall.   But, there's a good chance that nothing will.   Such a shame, things shouldn't be this hard between people who are supposed to love each other.  

JRI's picture

I understand where you are coming from.  My SD59 can bring drama and negative energy to every possible family event.  It sounds like your SD is similar.  Detachment is our friend.  Good luck.


Rags's picture

I would drag SD kicking and screaming into clarity on the PASing crap that BM is perpetrating against SD and DH.

Over..... and..... over.......... and .................... over again.

Lather, rinse, repeat until SD either gains clarity, BM keels over or ..... SD just ceases to exist in your life with DH.

Apparently SD's brother has intelligence and clarity and makes an effort with his dad.

Sometimes, we just have to take what we can get.

CLove's picture

Ive been learning about this topic. Researching it. SD22 has always been "the victim", a theme that had started when she was 15 and I had just begun a new relationship with Husband. It was always "your choosing your GF/Live in/stupid wife over me, your CHILD".

Well thats been used as a whipping stick on Husband for as long as Ive been in this (7 years). Shes a bit better, I am basically no contact. But I hear from SD15 backstabber/munchkin that at every opportunity Feral Forger SD22 will use guilt as a tool to manipulate the mother Toxic Troll. "Your the cause of all my problems".

It seems to be a common theme among emotionally stunted narcissistic skids with narcissistic PAS bio mothers.

Toxic breeds toxic.

Its gotten a little better with time. Hopefully at 23, SD22 Feral Forger will have obtained a drivers license and a job. If she doesnt Im certain it wont be her fault.

Rags's picture

I have referred to this as "Victim mode".  Over the years it has been a periodic discussion with my DW in relation to my entire IL clan.  They seen to  all be victims of an all powerful dominating force I refer to as "the man".  The man is always out to get them, isn't nice to them, won't work with them on avoiding foreclosure or repossession, or, or, or, or, or..... 

It is good to hear that there is more to it than just my informal layman's observations. 


Time for me to do some research.

As for... The Man!

The man gets those in victim mode fired (no recognition of incompetence, or failing to show up for work, or violating policy, or not doing what they are told when they are told to do it which is what they are paid for,  etc...) those in the victim oriented gene pool swears the man is an idiot and the victim knows better than the man in the boss role, the man gets their cars repossessed because he will not work with them on keeping vehicles they don't actually pay for, the man gets their homes foreclosed because he will not work with them any longer on catchup plans for countless missed house payments, the man gets their farms foreclosed because he will not let them continue to pull crops off of acreage they have not paid a dime on in 2+ years, the man does not loan them any more money for degrees they will never complete though they have $80K+ in loan balances that they have not paid a penny on in 10+ years, the man will not send them their tax refunds because their refund is confiscated to service a minor % of their outstanding school loan debt, the man victimizes their children because their kids have to take summer school because they didn't do their school work during the school year, the man holds their high school diplomas because they failed to complete a Freshman project class that every student in the district is required to complete during Freshman year so they have to scramble at the last minute to be able to graduate with their HS class, the man takes the form of an FFA advisor who is an idiot knows nothing about agriculture yet has multiple degrees in agricultural business agricultural science, or the form of a school principal who is out to get the latest school age generation of a gene pool, etc........

Victim mode can be a strong and nearly overwhelming force in some gene pools. Oddly the man is not even a thing in many other gene pools.