Struggling with SD kind of ruining time with baby...
I've posted a few times about challenges with SD since having my baby almost 4 months ago, but I'm getting progressively more and more annoyed. For those who don't know, we have custody of my 6 year old stepdaughter and i've been in her life for 3 years or so. First of all, her attitude towards me has changed - i've tried to include her and if anything, i've been more kind and loving towards her than ever but she's been downright rude. She has made a couple of rude comments, like for example, when we went to visit DH's sister, as soon as everyone left the room, she looked at me and said "why are you still here? you can leave now" and just little comments like that.
At christmas time, she got upset that the baby got presents too. Every single time he opened something (or I opened it for him) she would say something like WHAT ABOUT ME or WHY DID THE BABY GET THAT with a frown. She pretty much ruined christmas morning with her frowning and pouting and jealousy. She went as far as to refuse to say thank you for her presents and refuse to clean up the wrapping paper off the floor. She's refused to clean her room the past 2 weeks. She acts out all the time and throws tantrums.
I asked her if there was anything I could do to help her feel a bit more happy with the change. I told her I could take her out for some one on one time just use two girls. She said, quote on quote, "i just want time with daddy not you" so I told her dad and he's been trying to make an effort. Now I totally understand that a lot of this is probably jealousy from the baby but we try and include her. She just always seems to be in a bad mood.
We'll have fun for like, 10 minutes before she starts whining about something. The worst part... Every single time i'm trying to enjoy the baby (talking to him, playing with him, whatever) she comes over and goes "what about me don't you love me? aren't i cute? do you love me more than the baby?" This drives me CRAZY because she's downright rude and bratty most of the time, has made it clear she doesn't care for me, yet wants me to care for her more than my own baby???
I feel like I can't get a break. Even in the morning after waking up with the baby, I start playing with him in bed because he's always in such a good mood in the morning and it's like she's waiting down the hall for us to be up. She runs over to our room and peaks her head in and creepily says "hello" "can i come in" and it's like NO this is my favourite part of the day I just want to cuddle my baby.
On the one hand I feel bad for her because I get that she's feeling replaced but we're trying to help her feel included yet she's being rude to me and always in a mood and jealous of everything. She refuses to clean her room and tells me she doesn't care about her toys, yet wants toys bought for her when the baby gets them because he needs them - he has no belongings. I'm just frustrated, that's al.
I just needed to vent. I'm sure I'm overreacting but all I want is to be able to enjoy my baby without someone constantly right there making me say i love them as much as him when I don't and shouldn't have to.
There isn't much you can do
There isn't much you can do besides hold her to her word and everytime she wants attention, tell her that she only wants to hang out with her dad and NOT you as she specifically stated. Or that you only play with good little girls and that she has been naughty. It works with my niece anyway.
Either you husband steps up to discipline her bad behavior and to make your life easier or nothing will change. I don't understand why everyone is in such a rush to have kids with every person they date/ marry. Welcome to blended family life.
WTF is your problem? That
WTF is your problem? That last line was rude, insulting and completely uneccesary. No wonder your SM "had words" with you. You are one rude young lady.
I wasn't in a rush to have
I wasn't in a rush to have kids. I've been with DH (living together) for 3 years and we've been dating 4.5 years. We recently got married and I don't regret having a baby one bit! SD was actually pretty decent to me beforehand. I think part of the reason she's having trouble with this is because she's realizing how moms SHOULD be with their kids, but hers isn't very lovey with her. She sees her two or three weeks of the year and doesn't have much of a connection with her.
Edited to add: we have tried diciplining the behaviour but it seems to get nowhere. She doesn't get treats, a lot of her favorite toys have been taken away, and she spends lots of time in her room lately.
Where is dh in all this? He
Where is dh in all this?
He needs to take her out once per week so you have precious time alone with baby
Secondly he should be making her leave the room when she is bold or rude. If she refuses to clean up she gets punished
She has a tantrum she goes to her room
When you are about to get baby up in the morning close the door and enjoy the time
If she asks you if you love her as much you could say well it’s hard to like you when you have been so bold/won’t clean your room/ won’t help put your toys away. I like good girls who are kind and do xxx
Close your door in the
Close your door in the morning and tell her you will come out when ready. Enjoy that peace with your infant because it's over in a blink.
Try to ignore most of the attention grabbing stuff, but if it becomes too much and too constant, tell her she needs 20 minutes quiet time with reading or coloring until she can interact with others without having to being an attention hog.
Consequences for being rude should be given consistently and immediately. Sd, it is rude to interrupt. Now you have quiet time for _____ minutes. Not only will this hopefully curb the jealous outbursts, but she's out of your face for a bit.
I'd get real with her. SD,
I'd get real with her.
SD, babies need more love than big girls because they can't do things on their own like a big girl can.
SD, in a family, you can't have daddy all to yourself. You need to share with little brother, and with me - we're all one big family. Sometimes it's your turn, sometimes it's brother's turn, sometimes it's my turn. He's not more special than you, and you're not more special than him. Nobody's the most special.
SD, brother is getting gifts because all kids get gifts at Christmas. You got some when you were a baby, too.
SD, what ABOUT you? why do you think you deserve something every time brother gets something? You get things sometimes and brother doesn't. Not everyone gets the same. Do I get a present on YOUR birthday? No. Do YOU get a present on MY birthday? No.
SD, it's brother's time for cuddles right now. You can wait your turn.
Sounds like you are doing a
Sounds like you are doing a good job of trying to include and make sure she isn't feeling left out or replaced. So kudos to you.
I'd honestly call her out each and every time she has something snotty to say about the baby, you bonding with the baby, etc. When she says "Do you love me" Say "You know the answer to that, Yes of course but I am not going to answer you if you ask again." Something to that degree.
I would also make sure that your DH is spending some 1x1 time with her. And maybe you as well. That way it will give both you and your DH to also spend some 1x1 time with the baby as well.
And maybe a family "meeting" is in order. You and DH can take her and the baby somewhere special or even doing something special at home and just have a talk with her. Lay it out- we love you SD, you don't have to keep asking or feeling jealous, we are all a family and you have to get over it.
I think your SD knows that
I think your SD knows that you don't feel the same way about her as you do about your child. I think she can even understand that a bit. But she needs to know that DH absolutely does feel the same way about her as he does about your child together.
You mention many things that YOU have tried but I believe it is your DH who needs to take the lead on this. Your SD has already said she wants more time with Daddy. What is he doing to make that happen? Maybe they could have breakfast together so that you get your one on one morning time with the baby?
Some kids also test boundaries when a sibling comes along. They act out for attention. Discipline is attention. DH needs to maintain the same behavior expectations (no rudeness, cleaning her room, etc.)as before your child was born.
I do agree DH needs to take
I do agree DH needs to take the lead. I hate talking bad about him because he truly is an amazing man and father, but he has one little (or maybe big) problem: he wants to believe we're a happy, nuclear family and I'm SD's mother figure and we all love each other so much. I think it makes him feel guilty to feel like SD is an outsider in a blended family or something. I've always been ok with this as i'm happy to help raise her as my own, but the truth is, there will always be differences and challenges, like this, that he doesn't want to accept.
I told him SD said she just wants time with him and he said "well she's just acting out she loves us both a lot" like ok no its not the same love though...Don't get me wrong though, he listens to my struggles being a stepmom, tries to understand, but just doesn't want SD to realize I guess.
I think that all too often
I think that all too often the DHs who insist on "one happy family" actually do more harm to the step relationship. Your DH doesn't get it because he is bio parent to both of these children so he loves them equally. He would like for you to also feel that way. But, it isn't going to happen. And the more he pushes, the harder you will resist. And that isn't helping SD at all. He needs to realize that HE is the common bond between SD and your child. HE is the whose love SD is afraid of losing.
I don't know all of your back story. I think you mentioned that SD's mother left her at 9 months (how heartbreaking!). How long have you been in her life?
Well, he understands that
Well, he understands that logically it’s different and we are not a nuclear family. He’s also very understanding that my bond with SD is very different and I do not and will not love her the same. He gets all of that. I guess he just wants to portray to SD that we’re a nuclear family and I love her the same, which I kind of understand.
Her mother left at 9 months but maintained visitation on weekends until two years ago when we moved away. She sees her in the summer/holidays now. I’ve been in SDs life for 4 years but always as dads girlfriend until last year when we got married and I started taking on some parental responsibility/authority. But she doesn’t call me Mom or anything.
I do think it’s a delusional problem but I see why he does it. He doesn’t want SD left out but because of that, I think she’s feeling more left out. She’s not stupid she knows I’m not her mom and our relationship isn’t motherly/daughterly. I think it’d be more beneficial for him to be real with her and tell her he knows it’s hard for her missing her mom and maybe get her therapy to deal with not having that in her life.
I think he’s trying so hard to make sure SD feels she has me as a mom that he’s not realizing she doesn’t want a replacement Mom, she wants him more than me because she knows he’s the only parent she’s got that connection with and she doesn’t want to lose it.
SD is looking for her place
SD is looking for her place in this family...I mean let's face it she's been thrown away once already by her own mother, so I'm sure she's wondering what will happen now that bio is here. At 6 she can't articulate these thoughts and feelings so instead she makes herself a nuisance to ensure you know she is still there.
Talking to her when she displays these behaviours is the only way to ensure that you are making her aware of what she is doing and that you aren't going to encourage it.
"SD that was very mean of you to tell me to leave, I'm not sure why you want to hurt my feelings today, but I think you need some quiet time to think about that."
"SD please go get your breakfast ready and bio and I will be out in a few minutes, I need to get him ready for the day and I would like that time with him."
"SD I have told you how much I love you and that feeling isn't going to change even now that I have bio/brother."
I get how frustrating it all is, but at the same time she's just a little kid who doesn't understand where she fits into this new dynamic. DH will need to make sure he is building a strong foundation for her in this family so that she feels loved and supported.
I know she’s just a little
I know she’s just a little kid trying to find her place, and because of that, I’m trying hard to be patient. Plus I want her and my baby to have a good strong relationship, even if her and I don’t always mesh, he’s her sister... so I struggle with telling her to leave us alone in the morning and all that. I want her to feel like she’s a part of our family because she is, but I also want my time with my baby. There’s just no explaining all of this to a little girl.
Put SD in after school care
Put SD in after school care then in classes that wear her out several times a week. She needs to focus her energy and attention elsewhere besides whining and jealousy over the new baby. If grandparents or family can take her sometimes on the weekends let them.
Your sd is old enough to
Your sd is old enough to understand you need alone time with your baby. I myself shut my baby’s door in the morning and spend time with him alone. Everyone knows that’s our time. I deserve it, my baby deserves it. We don’t have my SD full time but I get that time when she’s here too.
Now if that had been me on Christmas and my SD behaved that way on Christmas I would have sent her to her room and she could wait to finish unwrapping when she could behave. I say that but my dh would have sent her there first.
Frankly I’d stop doing one on one time with her and just focus on my baby if I were you. Let her dad give her the attention she needs.
My SD 10 asked me tonight if I love her as much as my son. I lied and said yes. She’s basically a good girl. I am not bashing her mother but she’s been very self centered lately and SD told me she told her mom she wishes she could be a good mom like me. My child comes first. That’s all kids want. I think you’re right when you say she’s seeing those differences between your mothering.
I feel really bad that you have her full time and are trying to squeeze alone time with your baby in. I still feel a bit resentful when I am not able to be alone with my baby. Make sure you don’t let this color your time with him. Fight it. You don’t get these moments back.
Hon.... did you read your own
Hon.... did you read your own vent? Did you notice.... DH is no where, the only time you said something is when you said.. DH is trying...
my ass he's not trying one least bit, where's he in all off this, what does he do when SD pulls these tricks? Nothing he sits there with his mouth shut and you have to be the bad one. Why is DH not telling her.. SD knock it off and pick up the wrapping... SD why are you being rude, if the baby can't have gifts then you are not getting gifts.
At SIL's house, this comment ""why are you still here? you can leave now" - what did you do? NExt time you simply get up, take the baby and get DH, then say, HOn SD told me to get lost thus I'm taking the car, the 2 of you can walk back home, and do it right in front of SD....
come one girl, you've got the back bone, stop walking on egg shells, start calling her crap out, and get that husband of yours to step up as a parent.