Struggling
Hello everyone
I have been a step mum for 6 years now, and my one and only bio child is now a year old. My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years and life was going beautifully.
Then my husband had an accident, he is now coming up to his third year of being at home, this was supposed to be temporary but it doesn't feel like it.
We have had an entire role reversal, he was the main bread winner and I worked part time enabling me to look after the home and be the consistent reserve party for his son. (He worked shifts) The idea was for that to continue so I would be the one at home more with our child too.
Life had other plans.
Now I am the bread winner, working full time in a sector that pays less than my last as I took a pay cut when I swapped jobs before my husband got ill. I have super flexibility with this job so whilst it isnt as high paying I need it to be able to manage when our son is sick.
My husband has gone through 3 years of medical testing, they have found a number of issues but no one has any answers as to whether or not this is permanent. We had just been at the point of buying a house before he was ill, fortunately he became ill before we signed so we were able to back out. That savings pot is now gone.
Our relationship is under so much stress. He does his best maybe 80% of the time, the other 20% hes either too lazy or feeling too sorry for himself and then I get frustrated.
Arguments have sky rocketed. We have no been accepted by a therapist who is affordable but I keep finding myself wondering how long I'm supposed to wait for him to actually do something to help make the best of the situation we are in or is this is?
We went through a dark stage a few months back where we both debated divorce, but we do love each other, we do want things to work for our family. But it often feels like the universe has other plans.
My husband is not good at talking about tough subjects, anything negative sends him into a defensive spiral and his default is to either completely ignore me or disconnect and do zero of the day to day things he is supposed to do. Which just frustrates me more as ultimately I dont have the choice of just fully disengaging as if I do we loose our house, we loose everything.
On the other hand I am someone who likes to be organised, I like to have a plan, which currently seem huge triggers to my husband.
We are now at a point that we only really see one another at the weekend. And we may have one day and the other is a huge argument.
I dont know if hes depressed, I am unable to understand where he is coming from because he point blank refuses to talk about it. Which just ends up with us both rubbing each other the wrong way.
Am I a terrible spouse for getting to the point of wondering if I'm better off calling it quits? Going and renting some small house or flat for me and my son and not having the awful atmosphere and constant rollercoaster fights?
Is there anyone else here who has ended up forced into changing roles in their marriage and it's worked out ok? I dont want my son to grow up thinking this is normal and ok because our relationship right now is not healthy.
Doing it now actually. For the second time in 25 years.
Not due to a tragic injury. My condolences on that by the way. But due to cyclical changes in my industry.
Historically I make extremely good money. The problem is the industries I work in have gone through significant changes, consolidation, mergers, acquisitions, etc, etc, etc.... The first time was when the semiconductor market bubble burst in the early 00s. I was RIFd 9 days after 911 and though I did some periodic consulting work I did not return to full time work until 365 days later and even then I was making 40% less than I had previously. My bride took the lead in supporting us. We have always been very modest in our housing, cars and life style in relation to our income so her income plus unemployment and my severance were enough for us to live life pretty much as usual.
We are 7mos into the second time. The company I was with most recently went through a major re-org and my entire organization was eliminated. A Sr. Exec is not needed when there is no organzation for that person to lead. My wife has carried the load since the beginning of March. We lost ~65-70% of our income. This won't last for ever but it is not what either of us want. Particularly me. I am going Nucking Futz.
Not even close to the major role swap that you and your DH are experiencing but I/we understand your frustration. My bride is amazing.
I hope DH improves and you can return to normalcy soon.
I have not had a job for a
I have not had a job for a number of years now. It is depressing. It draws out and exaggerates my anxiety and made my previously unnoticed and undiagnosed adhd get to very debilitating levels. I have tried a couple of therapists but it wasn’t really doing much. I rejected medication at first but I have changed my mind and am starting down the road of medication. I know the practical steps I should take or could take, I do not need more advice from other people, what I need is my brain to help me take the steps that I want to take. I feel like medication is going to be key for that.
So I would suggest that you encourage your husband to see if his primary care doctor will prescribe something to help him or refer him to a psychiatrist for help.
In the mean time I have a book that I got a while ago called the joy of not working which covers some of the changes in the ways that we need to think about not have a job from what society tells us in order to use our time in a way that is healthy and way for ourselves. One key point that it raised was that in order to be happy people need structure, purpose and community. Having a job, earning a salary and coworkers provide that for most people and when it is removed we often do not have a plan for how to fill those gaps and can fall into depression. You might be able to help a little from the outside to help bring more of balance into his life by trying to help him find which ever of those 3 aspects is missing for him.
As for how long you should stick his out, it really is upto you. I have a close friend who is now separated from her husband who did not work for a few years before their separation due to his mental health. I think there were more issues at play than simply that, but it definitely did not help their situation. Since their separation my friend has discovered a new lease of life and is enjoying being single immensely, it is not easy but she is embracing it, she is seeing a therapist to help her through this time. Her husband is in a treatment program and it seems like it might be working for him. They are not going to get back together but are both in a better place on their own it seems.