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Am I unreasonable?? Feeling voiceless in own house!

Ilikepie992's picture

Hi everyone 

my husband and I bought a house together. My SS7.5 lives with us full time. Our previous house had only one bathroom/toilet so of course we all shared it.

our new house has 2 bathrooms and one of which is an ensuite attached to mine and my husbands bedroom. So I just automatically assumed it would be mine and my husbands bathroom.... and the other bathroom would be for SS. But apparently I'm being unreasonable and my SS is allowed to use the ensuit bathroom because his bedroom is next to ours and it's closer for him to walk to.

My SS kept coming into the bedroom while I'm sleeping to use the toilet which wakes me up. I asked him not to come in when I am sleeping (I work late shifts) and SS agreed but husband went against me and told him to use it anyway. SS also showers in the ensuit shower everyday because my husband showers him every night (or I have to). So I decided that the other bathroom will be my own bathroom and accepted this because what else can i do... I don't see why 3 people would be crammed into a small ensuit bathroom!!

now my husband is telling me that my SS is going to be sleeping in our bedroom on a mattress because he is lonely in his own bedroom which is next door to ours!! I put my foot down and said no!!! Where is my/our space?? There is no boundaries here. He's 7 and a half! Now my husband is saying I am unreasonable etc and fighting with me. I'm so fed up!! 
 

my SS is a terrible sleeper but we finally got him in his own room a couple years back (husband has to fall asleep with him and he gets up in the night to get my husband back in the room) but at least it was our own space. Am I really an asshole in this situation?? I don't want to share my bedroom with a 7.5 year old! Doesn't matter if they are a step kid or a bio kid! Why can't I have a voice??
 

advice please Sad

 

 

tog redux's picture

Your husband is being ridiculous. Your need to sleep comes ahead of SS's not wanting to walk a bit further to the other bathroom. And moving him into your room will set him back in terms of sleeping independently AND is unfair to you, so that one benefits no one (except your DH, who has equated "coddling" with "parenting", so it makes him feel good to do whatever SS wants).

Move yourself into SS's room and DH can sleep with his real partner - SS.

Winterglow's picture

Ask yoiur DuH why he wants to stunt his son's development by making him dependent on him... because that's what he's doing.

caninelover's picture

The ensuite bathroom belongs to the adult head of household couple with no other users except in emergencies.

SS can't walk a little?  How big is this house - it can't be more than a few extra steps. Stupid to allow the kid to use the master bath.

As for sleeping in the master, no.  DH can go sleep with his son if the kid is lonely.

Dogmom1321's picture

He is being 100% ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with wanting privacy. We moved into our house 3 years ago when SD was 8. She has her own room AND own bathroom. In our master suite, we have a jacuzzi tub. DH said, "Well, I'm sure she will want to use our nice tub." NOPE, I put my foot down. This was a hill to die on. I needed MY space in the house and needed to have privacy. I don't go invade SD room or bathroom to just "hang out" and I expect the same respect in return. Not to mention, who wants to be using the same bathroom when the kids get older and are going through puberty?? GROSS. Set the precedent now that this won't be happening. 

PetSpoiler's picture

What?!  The kid is 7, more than old enough to sleep in his own room.  You are not being unreasonable,  they are.  My SS I think wanted to sleep in our room too, saying he was scared in his room.  We made him stay in his room.  I was admittedly unhappy about him coming to live with us at first and I would've had a meltdown if he'd slept in our room.  I needed a space that was mine, that he couldn't invade.  We didn't allow him use of our master bathroom either, which his room was right next to the other bathroom so it wouldn't have made sense for him to be using ours.  He had his own bathroom until my DD was born.  I will say though that I was more ok with our bios sleeping in our room and using our bathroom.   It is different when it's your own child versus a child who is not blood related to you in any way, even though you may even love that non related child.  Perhaps suggest to your husband that he move into his son's room with him since he prefers to share a bed with him instead of you. As long as he insists on letting his son sleep in your room I would inform him that he can forget about sex.  I would've felt put out if my husband had acted the way yours is.  Your husband is the problem, not you, not SS.  Him.  

Left out mama's picture

"SS also showers in the ensuit shower everyday because my husband showers him every night (or I have to"

wait!? What!? This is so totally inappropriate!!!! There is ZERO reason an adult should need to shower a 7 year old that is able bodied. 

Everything else your duH is being an idiot on. Tell him this in no uncertain terms. He clearly needs it drawn in crayon in order for him to understand it:

This kid does not need to be walking through your room to use the toilet. He does not need to sleep in your room. 
you may not be able to get through to your husband so start invading the kids space. Set up a yoga or exercise area in his bedroom. Or a writing desk. Start just hanging out in there like it's your area too. Let him feel what is like to lose all sense of privacy. When he starts complaining about it, then agree to back off his space if he backs off yours. If your husband bitches to bad. He's not gonna stand up for you, so you need to stand up for yourself. Don't back down. 
 

or... make your husband pay the mortgage by himself. If you don't get to have privacy in your home, why should you pay financially? 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Welcome to the site. You know, deep down, that what your husband is doing is wrong on so many levels. It's a sad commentary on our society that these child-enmeshed, codependent man-babies would rather sleep and shower with their children and correct their wives, than the other way around! And, that he even has you feeling guilty or selfish about it! You know this situation is wrong. I agree with the posters who say let him share a bed and bathroom with the tiny tyrant he's raising, and you have a peaceful adults-only room. I bet if you did that, this jerk or his kid would even then try to horn in on your space. Also, the kid is old enough to bathe himself. 

Rags's picture

Get rid of the shallow and polluted gene pool in your life and find a DH who respects you and is not an idiot like the one you have now.

Good luck.

Shiba Mom's picture

Your DH is only doing harm to the development of that boy by not encouringing him to be comfortable in his own space. Sleep training is hard, especially hard the older the child gets and the more set in ruitine they are. But it's just such an important step for both parent independance, and his. It's not a sign of weakness, or loving your child less to place boundaries and also teach him to be flexable with change/new experiences. Maybe DH needs to hear it in those terms, because he's only going to cripple SS's relationships down the line. He sounds overly protective to me... but again, teaching a child how to bathe themself is an important life skill, unless DH wants to live the rest of his life bathing an adult?

Misstepped's picture

Your DH sounds like mine until about a year ago. Fights because he wanted his child to sleep in our bed. The child was sleep trained eventually through many heated arguments (I'm talking 3-4 years) I always said one day he would thank me. We almost broke up over the issue over and over. Now, SS is 6 years old and sleeps independently. My DH is bragging to all his mates about how I did it and that is was the best thing ever. Go figure. For a long time DH would either lay next to him, and get up 6 times a night to do it again everytime SS woke, and then fall asleep in SS bed until I dragged him back. But I finally broke that too when SS turned 5 and we got him a bunk bed. He wanted to sleep up top and DH can't actually get up there. Ha! DH said SS wouldn't make it through the first night on top and how we should have got bunk with a double below so he could still fit in with him. Pffffffft. SS slept perfectly on his own the first night and has ever since. Also had the bathroom issue, I never really worked out why they have to use the ensuite and why the DHs are so hell bent on us not having our own space. It's like they take it personally that we just want an adult space to ourselves. Your DH needs to stop being over the top about everything. Or he should move into a 1 bedroom apartment and live his dream in a relationship with his kid. I feel you. Just stick to your guns. Make your voice heard.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I don't live with my SO but i sleep there about half the time. His son, then 9, walked in on me in the master bathroom completely naked last year, and SO still tried to argue about how it would be cruel to ban the kids from going into any room at any time, since  the whole house is their house, too. SO even yelled at me, saying "Didn't you know he was in here?!" From then on, i put my foot down. He can have his kids in his bedroom or me. 

Your DH sounds about as pathetic as my SO when it comes to this. You're right, some of these DH's are hell bent on us not having any personal space. It's pretty f'd up though, that they are willing to let their sons see us naked as well, to serve some weird delusional togetherness fantasy where they get to share all of their space, including their beds, with their kids.

Sorry, i'm just still really pissed off about it...

Winterglow's picture

I would be too. 

As an aside, can you imagine what BM would make of it if she knew her son had seen you naked? 

Ilikepie992's picture

Thankyou so much for all the replies

i actually bought my SS a bunk bed which he used for about 2 weeks but now he is saying that he's lonely and then that's when my husband decided it would be cool for him to sleep on a mattress in our bedroom and that I'd somehow be OK with it. My SS is 7.5 years old and his bedroom is set up so nicely (like a studio apartment almost!) which cost so much money but can't sleep in there??? 
 

The thing that pisses me off most is that my husband thinks my SS is hard done by. What a joke. My SS has more than any kid could ever imagine. His own TV in his bedroom, 2 iPads, phone, laptop, desktop computer... and is allowed to use the the theatre room tv any time he likes and all day if he pleases. And no bedtime so sleeps about 11.30pm. Doesn't eat proper food has to have meals made separately every dinner time because my dinners are too healthy. There's no rules. But apparently he's hard done by and I am unreasonable???

 

 

 

tog redux's picture

Parents like this cripple their kids emotionally. Prepare for SS to not launch from your home before age 25. This is the height of selfish parenting - it makes DH feel better but ruins the child's life. 

Rags's picture

Send them both to SS's room and inform DH that when he grows into the man that you thought you married he can return to your marital bed.  And not before.

Let him know that there is a very short horizon before they are both out for good and you find a real man to share your life with.

smh

Winterglow's picture

Your husband is delusional. Why does he think his kid's hard done by? He's also doing him a great disservice by catering to his every whim. Sounds like the kid's the one running the house ... You have a prime example of a Disney daddy on your hands.

I was glad to see you put your foot down about your bedroom, but is it enough? Children need structure and schedules - these things make them feel secure. At his age, 11.30 is WAY too late for him to go to bed. Does your DuH understand that children grow and develop while they sleep so him not getting enouigh sleep is yet another way in which your DuH is stunting his development? Why is he getting junk when there is a good meal already on the table?  How is he dealing with remote learning?

PS - why do you have him full-time? Where is his mother?

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I would tell DH he can lay down with SS in his room until he falls asleep of it's such an issue for him. Also the best thing I ever bought DS was a weighted blanket he sleeps so much more soundly now. He was always restless sleeper.

shamds's picture

Him?

my kid is almost 5 and can bathe herself, put shampoo, hair conditioner, hair masques and body wash on herself even with delayed speech. 

7.5 is plenty old enough to do this himself. Even when wr were staying in a hotel or serviced apartment with 2 bathrooms, me hub y and our 2 kids got the master bedroom with ensuite, skids could wait their turns for their own bathroom snd toilet 

my husband at times is a guilty disney dad but 1 line that doesn't ever get crossed is my personal space. Skids don't come into our bedroom nor have any need to come in and if they stupidly think they have a right, he puts them in their place.

you are not related to his kid, it's inappropriate to be sharing a bedroom or bathroom together. This is like emotional incest, actually it is emotional incest