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I'm not sure how to feel

TheRightThing's picture

Ok bare with me because this is going to be long. 

I myself am a child of divorce. I am my fathers only biological child but grew up with 4 step siblings. My parents believed in allowing me to make my own choices from a young age and as such I chose to live with my father when I was 6. That's where I remained until I moved out at 18 with varying levels of contact with my BM. She was very much involved but I went through stages of not wanting to see her and my parents never forced me. 

I have never had a good relationship with both my BM and step mum at the same time. The biological father of my step mums kids vanished and it always seemed to annoy her that my BM was still in the picture. She truly wanted us to be a new family. 

Moving on to when I met my husband, I moved abroad for him. My father and step mum massively supported me in doing so but I guess they never thought it would work out since when we got engaged they flipped a switch and demanded I move back home. I refused and there has been no contact since. 

When my son was born I did get a message from my father asking for details about my son. I sent photos, I gave all details, I told him that despite us not having had much contact recently perhaps this could be a new start. Zero response. 

Now my son has turned 1 and out of no where I get another message from my father wanting an update. Hinting he would like to meet him. No comment as to how or where he is wanting this meet to take place or if it's just lip service. 

Would you guys go for it and see what happens or let a sleeping dog lie? I'd rather not introduce my son to a grandparent if hes not going to be consistent but at the same time I dont want to withhold family from my son. Where would you draw the line? Say fine but insist that he (or they) come here or me take my son back to my home country? 


Winterglow's picture

I would let him meet his grandson but let him come to you. Things are always easier when you play at home Smile

I wouldn't deprive your child of a grandparent - I live at the other end of the continent from my mother (Dad died a few years ago) and my daughters didn't see their grandparents regularly, sometimes not even every year. However, that didn't stop them from loving them. Consistency can be overrated - what's better for a child, not seeing someone often or never seeing them at all?

Who knows? Maybe your father will come bringing an olive branch ...

tog redux's picture

Read up on Parental Alienation - your father and stepmother alienated you from your mother. It's not uncommon for a kid who lived with an alienating parent to then cut off contact with that parent as an adult, because people who are alienators are not usually the warmest parents, and conflict arises when the kid they were able to control no longer does their bidding. That's why your stepmother got upset if you wanted to have anything to do with your mother, and why they got upset when you didn't do what they wanted in terms of your marriage.

Alienation continues on through the generations - you can break that by allowing your son to have a relationship with his grandfather but on YOUR terms, not your father's.

Kes's picture

Yes, I agree I would let your son have a relationship with his grandfather, but on your terms, and remember you can pull back at any time if you feel that he is overstepping the mark. 

TheRightThing's picture

Well...I responded and got an almost immediate reply to say that it was rude and disrespectful that I didn't respond immediately so hes going to no longer have any contact because I am toxic. 


tog redux's picture

Well there you go - please do read up on Parental Alienation.  You likely have some healing to do from what he did to you. 

TheRightThing's picture

I will read up on it but honestly, I dont know if I think that is what happened. Both my parents and my step parents tried very hard to keep things friendly between all parties. In the early days my mother and step father actually babysat to enable my father and step mother to have dates away. My mother took me and my step sisters on a short weekend away, my step mother and mother were friends early on. My step mother had known me since infancy, had long been friends before there was any romantic attachment. 

Ofcourse my view may be very different from theirs but from what I remember it all changed when the biological father of my step mothers children just walked away. He attempted to have contact with his favourite child but refused the others. It was a very traumatic christmas the last time he let his favourite down, I remember it well because me and that step sibling fought like cat and dog. His father would promise to come and maybe turn up some of the time, whereas my mother came every time she said she would, I only need call and she would be there. My step sibling waited all day by the window for his father to come but he never did the following day my mother was due to come and collect me and was on time as usual. It caused alot of issues and hatred between me and my step sibling, despite the 5 year age gap we could understand it meant my "other" parent cared more and as the previously golden child it was hard for my step sibling to bare. Made worse by his other siblings indifference as none of them wanted contact. 

I think both my father and step mother did the best they could in a complicated situation. Combined with my parents belief that even as a child I had the right to my own decisions, it must have been awful for them to try to manage the needs of 5 kids in a blended scenario.

Ispofacto's picture

Wow, what a narcissistic response he gave.

Please read up on NPD, it frequently accompanies PAS.