Struggling!
Hello, I don’t know where to start but I need some advice from other step parents please (long story ahead)
A little about us, I came into my step sons life when he was 4 (I am “mum” at our house I do bedtime, bath time, dinner, school stuff, parent teacher interviews, sick days, play dates, school sport etc )at this time in his life his BM was seeing him once a week (she never bonded with him as a baby and had very bad PND) he lived full time with my husband, I absolutely adored my SS and we got on incredibly well from that start! (I have no kids of my own and am about 8 years younger then his BM) About 6 months into our relationship my SS’s BM decided she wanted to be a bigger part of his life (a bit of jealously with me around I think) we of course were so pleased because that is lovely for him.
It is then that things got tricky we had 50/50 shared care, she is a bit of a “Disneyland Mum” no rules, no routine, eat whatever you want, no bedtime, unlimited screen time.. where as our house is always routine, structure, healthy eating etc. SS would come home from a weekend with her, exhausted, rude, grumpy and disrespectful because I supppse he got away with it all there. Husband and I have had many a conversation with her about this but nothing has really changed.
We only ever have good things to say about her in front of SS and would never stop him seeing her but now that he is 6 the time she shares with him without the rules and routine are starting to really effect his schooling! She has actually recently had a new baby and isn’t able to cope with both children so we have had SS full time with her seeing him every second weekend. And he is honestly like a COMPLETELY different child and thriving in school.
I suppose for me I’m struggling now with how much time, effort, energy and love I give too a small person who isn’t “biologically” mine, I do more for him then his mum. But I can’t understand why at school we can have the most fun weekend and he can have so many awesome things to write about but instead will make up a story about something he did in the weekend with his BM and her partner which isn’t real... I don’t understand this it feels like a bit of a slap in the face, does he not want to be with us? Would he prefer to be with her? I’m trying so hard to be an amazing person in his life but I feel like all he wants is to be with his BM even though she isn’t good for him of course I know that is because she is his mum!
But how do you ever deal with the rejection and exhaustion from putting everything you have into another persons life knowing it will never be recepricated or appreciated?
Honestly don’t put so much
Honestly don’t put so much effort until the child asks for it from you. Let him fantasize about his BM. I don’t do much for SD so she’s recently started asking her dad what she can do to get closer to me.
We went through something
We went through something similar when SD was younger. I would buy her something and days later I’d hear her say “BM bought me this” even though I knew she knew I did - BM was barely in the picture after all. It felt like a huge slap to the face.
but eventually I realized this was her way of trying to convince herself that mommy cared. She wanted so badly to believe her mom loved her that she started pretending her mom did normal things like buy her teddies, take her to the park, etc.
I notice she still does this just in different ways IE she’ll say “BM took lots of pictures of me when I was a baby” when I’m taking pictures of my 10 month old. I just agree and tell her that yes, that happened, even tho we both know it’s not true.
Her mom has no pictures whatsoever of her because she left at 9 months and refused to see her for a while. But SD needs to convince herself these things because it’s easier than her little brain trying to make sense of a mom that doesn’t love her.
I take the "I'm just dad"
I take the "I'm just dad" approach with my SS-26. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. Early on I knew that if I was going to spend my life with this amazing woman that I needed to step up and be dad.
So that is what I did. It is what we all did. We were the Three Musketeers. We made a life together. Sure we struggled with the shallow and polluted end of my Skid's gene pool and my bride and I battled their toxic manipulative toothless moron crap for the 16+ years we lived under our son's Custody/Visitation/Support CO. But we kept the focus on our family and on the Skid's best interests.
To make a long story reasonably short... and save the long time STalkers from yet another recounting or my StepLife.... my son asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen. The only changes that brought was to provide papers for what had always been the case.. .and for the first time in their lives my bride and my son shared the same family name. Our family name on his chest (USAF Uniform) gives me a catch in my throat every time I see it or think about it.
My perspective is that the blended family opposition is irrelevent. Kids should be raised with standards of behavior and standards of performance, they should be held to those standards and they should have the advantage of adult parents in their lives that demonstrate continuously a mutually respectful, caring, loving equity life partnership based life together. Equity life partnership includes being equity parents to any children in the home regardless of kid biology.
Kids that are raised with these examples have every chance of growing to viable adulthood. Regardless of if they are raised by parents in an intact marriage or in a blended family situation.
Part of that is holding the blended family opposition accoutable to a standard of reasonable behavior and rolling up the CO and smacking them with it when they don't comply. I would have applauded if the SpermIdiot and SpermClan were reasonable people who cared for SS rather than the manipulative toothless DipShitiots that they are.
Though we never bad mouthed them and always required SS to speak respecfully of them we raised him with the facts of his blended family situation. He always knew the truth and facts in an age approprate manner and as such... when he was an adult... he pretty much wrote them off as the toxic influence in his life that have always been.
I suggest that you review the made up fantasy stories about BM with the Skid. Discuss it with him. Get him to talk about why he makes this stuff up rather than tell of the fun stuff he actually did. Keep him grounded with the facts. That will reduce your frustration and in my experience it will help prepare him to deal with his toxic BM when he reashes adulthood. Far too many blended family efforts are spent keeping the Skids/Kids insulated from reality rather than grounding them in the truth and the facts of the entire situation.
So don't over think things. Keep them simple. Stick to the facts. Enjoy your life.
And if it helps, that was
And if it helps, that was when SD was 3. She’s 6 now and calls me “Mom” and states that I’m her favorite mom, the best mom, etc. all the time lol I’ve never pushed it or been jealous or anything. In fact, I really don’t enjoy it because it leaves me feeling guilty that I don’t WANT to be her replacement mom. I’d much rather BM step up and do her job.