As I read this, I couldn't help but think about the child's step mom. I bet she is livid if her husband is paying CS. He has to work and help support the kid whip BM has the option of not working.

My DIL helicoptered her two one of which was diagnosed with a mild learning disability having had the cord wrapped around his neck when he was born. She was not dissuaded from her feelings until the kids were in their twenties. Far too late. My son (the father) and I never could make her understand.

The point being you're a step father and your wife has given you your limits. Rather than frustrate and embarrass yourself with this kid I personally would leave. If that's not tenable I'd completely disengage. The kids mother is there to take care of him so you should almost never be in a supervisory or displinary position. Sure stop him if he's building a fire on the living room floor but if he won't put his toys away when Mom said so and you discover the disobedience just walk away. Same as chores when he gets older or even sasses his mother. Don't initiate words with him. If he speaks respectfully answer him appropriately but wait for him to say the first word. I mean it, leave the kid alone.

Not your kid not your problem. Here's a link to a article on disengagement, look it over. I disengaged decades ago before the Internet was invented and had to improvise but it seriously changed my life and frankly the kid also. She no longer had any power, the power of disobeying, over me and it shook her. She thought she could hurt me and one day she couldn't. Now what?

http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html

There was a post like this that a stepmom posted, about how frustrated she was she couldn't have her own child & she had been TTC. She voiced her dislike for her SD, 7 I think.

Nobody painted her as a monster.

TTC is hard for both men & women if you think there may be a problem. It a lot of the time does make you feel worse about your step children , because you want your own biochild so badly.

I would consider seeking counseling to deal with your anger so it doesn't leak out & you end up treating your SS badly.

I'm glad you vented here & I hope you get some help so you don't turn into the 'monster' people think you are for writing this lol. It seems like you know these feelings are irrational & that is also good.

I'm a step-father too, and I feel for you and have a lot of the same feelings you do.

I will tell you, that based on my experience posting here, there is a lot of anti-man sentiment. Just my experience, but I feel like some of the women here automatically assume it is your fault, just because you are the man. This is probably based on experiences in their own lives, everyone generalizes their own experiences. I posted about this in the step-fathers section of the forums.

That being said, there are people who give good advice. Some of them are here, others here are just going to tell you how horrible you are. Just like in real life. Don't feed the trolls, and pay attention to those who give you reasonable advice.

Disengaging is a good way to go to help alleviate some of the problems, but you need to make sure your partner is on board with that. Do not just do it with no discussion. You need to sit down and have a rational discussion with your SO, tell her your concerns, and flat out tell her that if she expects you to be a parent to her son that you need to work together on setting up a plan to raise him. My wife and I have done the same thing several times, because often we need to sort of re-balance. Wife thinks I'm too hard on SD7, I think she lets SD7 get away with murder. Be prepared to discuss behaviors of your step that you consider outlandish, and for your SO to be a little offended. You will probably get the "You don't think I'm a good mom." If your wife will not agree to work together on the issues, I'm sorry but you probably do not have a good relationship and you likely need counseling. If that isn't an option, tell her about disengaging. If she will work with you, it is up to YOU to make sure you hold up your end of the bargain.

In our household we have agreed that we have different parenting styles, that I need to ease up and not be a military instructor with our SD, but my DW also needs to take responsibility to correct poor behavior more frequently. It has worked out for the most part, but I still come on here to vent. I'd rather vent anonymously on a message board than take it out on DW or SD7.

As for what he does while with his BioDad - not your problem. Don't even engage in thinking about what BioDad does with him, it will drive you nuts. You can only control your own behavior. I struggle with the same thing. My point to my DW was that if she wanted what was best for SD7, she would fight for full custody because being with her BioDad was not what was best for her. DW sort of agreed but has made no effort to change the custody, and I'm not going to do it for her. Ultimately it is up to the step kid's parents to decide what is good/bad for their child. I used to bring it up a lot, but now I don't even bother. She knows how I feel about BioDad and having to "re-train" SD7 whenever she comes back, no use beating a dead horse.

Regarding the smell thing... I am right there with you. I cannot stand the way SD7 smells. She smells like her father and his house. It is a foreign smell and it is just not something I can get used to. But whatever, it will always be there and I can't change it... so I just choose to ignore it.

You have it harder because you have a special-needs step. It will never be easy, but you need to have as much patience as possible. Honestly, being a step-parent is probably the best training in patience you will ever get. Your job is to support your DW and be honest and open with her. She will appreciate it.

I’m a SM and I think you should try to disengage. It helped me a lot, personally.

I had a lot of the same feelings toward my SD6 that you have toward your SS- I resented all the time DH spent with her because that was less time I had with my husband. I hate the fact that she looks and talks just like her stupid, trashy mom. I hate the fact that she worships her mother even though her mother does NOTHING for her (we have SD full time and BM doesn’t even pay child support or give school clothes, supplies, food, NOTHING).

I should have definitely married a man without kids and now I know this, but I didn’t want to divorce my husband. So I disengaged. I used to spend a lot of time trying to make sure SD ate healthy foods, got to sleep at a decent time, had nice clothes/shoes to wear to school, etc. No one listened to me, appreciated me, or cared what I had to say.

I figured if her own parents don’t care what she eats (potato chip and chocolate milk every day, for example), then why the hell should I?

If her own parents don’t care that she gets to sleep at a decent time so she’s not tired in school the next day, then why the hell should I? The only thing I do ask is that she go to her bedroom at 8:30 so DH and I can have couple time and unwind, but I couldn’t care less what time she gets to sleep.

My life is SO much less stressful now (as far as SD is concerned). Just try to take a step back and stop caring so much. You may be resentful because you are just doing way too much. You said your wife stays home with the kid while you work- I would resent the HELL out of my DH if he did this.

That is not your kid. You should not (in my opinion) be supporting someone else’s child. No wonder you are resentful! Your wife needs to get a job and support her own kid.

You are not an asshole. It's normal to have thoughts and feelings of hate, its just that you voice it and i'm sure others on here feel the same but just don't say it out loud. Some days I hate my SD and I have no problem saying it. She also has some mental issues of her own, but that doesn't change it. I can't control how I feel about this kid. it just happens. Just as you can't help how you feel about your SS. 4 or not.....

If you can't be honest about your feelings here, then where? Isn't that the point of this website? I don't agree with attacking you because you need to express your frustrations about an extremely difficult situation.

At least you care enough to ask if this kid likes and loves you. You enjoy when he doesn't reject you. You are doing your best. You were willing to take on a child that wasn't yours, that has special needs, nearly full time and should be commended for that. You made it possible for your wife to spend as much time as she wanted with her son. You sound like a decent guy to me. Not being able to have a child of your own adds a new level of complexity and resentment for your circumstances. Of course you need to vent from time to time, and I hope you find answers as well as understanding here.

Do some serious, heartfelt research on autism and the entire spectrum of issues that accompanies it. Do it not with the attitude of 'how do i make him do--whatever' but as 'how do i understand him as he is'? If you're wanting him to be the 'normal' kid you've wanted, forget it. not happening. But 'not normal' isn't always a bad thing.

My 4 yo niece isn't diagnosed with autism, per se, but she has so many of the accompanying spectrum issues. It boggles the mind to see the difference in her and her little brother. Discipline, together time, everything is different with a spectrum child. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't experienced it myself with her, and through friends with autistic children. Basically, nothing about how we were raised applies. Spanking my niece doesn't work, because she doesn't register pain. She can burn herself and not even notice. She doesn't care. My sister had to teach her that if you drop something on your foot, that you cry; that it's normal to cry. She's learning that other people besides her have feelings--a big breakthrough for her. She won't eat most meat because it 'doesn't feel good' in her mouth. she won't eat white food. Her mom has spent an enormous amount of time with her and various types of therapy.

On the other hand, she knew sign language before she was 1, could communicate needs and desires, she could read simple words at 2, is already being homeschooled at 4, she can sing beautifully, loves to "art" (draw, paint, color etc), and is the apple of everyone's eye.

If you're not willing to give this child what he needs, it's better for everyone if you acknowledge it now. But please, do research autism, talk to parents of autistic kids, and give yourself a chance to embrace this little guy. He may never tell you that he loves you, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't.

Edit: It's not necessarily, helicopter parenting. With a spectrum child, there is an ENORMOUS amount of supervision needed. Many kids just don't understand the need to stay where they're supposed to be and will wander off without a word--even from inside the house when you thought they were in the next room playing.